Adelaide, it's time to get out and walk

Hold onto your latte, Adelaide, because I'm about to share a great secret with you that will blow your mind.

Are you ready? You might want to sit down for this. Here it is: You and New York, you've got a bit in common.

Here, do you need a paper bag to breathe into? Are you alright? Now stop laughing, breathe deeply, and let me explain.

Obviously the Big Apple is much, well, bigger than you. Sure, it has a few more internationally famous landmarks. And I'm not going to lie, its nightlife is considerably more exciting.

But after reading the story online this week over the proposal to remove parking in Adelaide's CBD it hit me that there's one major thing you have in common with New York – and one major thing you could learn.

Here it is: both cities are very pedestrian-friendly, but only one knows how to actually encourage pedestrians.

Both cities are relatively flat, built on an easy-to-navigate grid and have pretty much everything one needs within walking distance (assuming you're sticking to one general area of Manhattan and not, say, attempting to walk from tip to tip).

The difference is that in New York people don't bat an eyelid at walking 10 blocks to get somewhere, even in the rain or snow. Suggest that kind of trip in Adelaide – say, from Parliament House to South Tce, and people will automatically reach for their car keys.

Is it because Adelaideans are lazier than New Yorkers? Probably. But it's more than that.

It's true that most New Yorkers simply don't have cars – on a tiny island crammed with 8 million people, it's practically impossible to even find a place to park one, so walking is something of a necessity.

However they do have one of the greatest public transport systems in the world in the New York subway. So why do so many people still choose to walk?

Here's the thing, Adelaide: walking is actually enjoyable. You see things you wouldn't see from the driver's seat, you interact with people, you feel the buzz of a place.

And for a small city that enjoys such great weather, wide streets, empty footpaths and picturesque views, it is quite simply crazy how reliant you are on the car.

You might say “But walking through Adelaide is boring, the only shops and cafes are on the major strips, and everything in between is dull.”

Maybe, but it's a vicious circle. More foot traffic through a neighbourhood means more vibrancy, more trade and more opportunities for business to thrive. It's no wonder Adelaide finds it so hard to develop new parts of town (the south west corner, anyone?) when no one will get out of their cars long enough to visit them.

This is why this whole kerfuffle over Adelaide's parking is so ridiculous.

The state retailers' association says the plan would kill retail in the CBD, as people would simply drive to suburban shopping centres instead where they can park their cars.

Er, isn't that already happening? Hasn't that been happening for years?

Maybe Adelaide should stop talking about how to accommodate more cars in the CBD, when it's patently obvious the suburbs are always going to win that battle, and work out what else it can offer shoppers. Like say, more footpath space for alfresco dining and better public transport – both projected results of, golly gosh, REDUCING PARKING SPACES.

Take a tip from the Big Apple: a vibrant city isn't about cars parked on streets, it's about people walking on them.

---

This article was first published in the Adelaide City Messenger on January 19, 2012.

Read More

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E4

After last week's Cray Cray Festival involving bikini skiing, bridge climbing, bitching and spontaneous fainting it's hard to believe The Bachelor could get any more nutso - but then Ben flies on in a helicopter and announces he's taking everyone to Utah.

THIS.

Utah? Maybe he's going to marry them all in one big, mormon ceremony and we can finish this shit right now!

Sadly that turns out not to be the case, but having Utah as this week's setting does mean we get lots of the following:

a) twangy guitar

b) sweeping landscape shots

c) wistful staring at said landscape

d) boot wearing.

So, you know, silver lining.

"I want The Women to experience the outdoors, the outdoors are a big part of my life," explains Ben, as if up until now they've all been stuck inside knitting.

As a side note - Ben may well be the only man ever to want to take 13 women who are all gagging for it OUTSIDE.

"Whenever I look outside I think this is the perfect place to fall in love," sighs Nikki, staring wistfully at the Utah landscape.

Millions of Mormons know this to be true.

But this isn't all majestic mountains and doe-eyed puppy love - THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Enter host Chris Harrison to outline the rules of the day, the most important being: "If you get a moment with Ben, don't talk about the weather".

WEATHER TALK MAKE BEN ANGRY.

Time for the first solo date of the day, for which Ben has thoughtfully chosen washed-up movie star Tara Reid. Aw, that's nice of him, that will make her feel better.

Oh wait, it's actually Rachel.

Rachel is just one nip slip away from a perfect Tara Reid impression.

While perpetually hoarse-voiced Rachel heaves and hacks her way through explaining how excited she is to be going on a date with Ben like she's just smoked 20 packets of Lucky Strike, Kacie B retreats to the balcony for a picturesque whinge about how Ben didn't pick her. Again.

CUT AWAY TO GRATUITOUS SHOT OF ACCOMMODATION. CUT BACK TO KACIE B, CRYING. AGAIN. THIS TIME IN A DIFFERENT OUTFIT.

"I don't want to see him in a helicopter with another girl," wails Kacie B.

What about a hovercraft, Kacie B? Could you see him in a hovercraft with another girl?

Or a hot air balloon? Would that be OK?

What about a unicycle?

Before we get a chance to determine which modes of transport Kacie B would be content with Ben to use on his date with Rachel, Ben has zoomed off in a helicopter on his date with Rachel. Oh well.

They go to a secluded spot by the river where the only sounds are the trickling of water, the gentle swooshing of the amber trees and the chirrip of birdsong. Which is a pity, because it means Ben and Rachel's stupidly boring conversation is clearly audible.

Actually, it's less of a "conversation" and more of a "totally boring running commentary on how things are pretty and nice", to wit:

BEN: This is nuts.

RACHEL: God it's so pretty out here.

BEN: This is our lake for the day.

RACHEL: God this is too pretty. I'm so happy.

BEN: I'm glad that you're here.

RACHEL: Mmmm.

BEN: It's so... nice.

RACHEL: Mmm, for sure.

BEN: It's so... romantic.

RACHEL: It IS.

*SILENCE*

RACHEL: This IS nice.

Eventually Ben whispers "peace and quiet!" and kisses Rachel, presumably to stop her from musing on how nice things are. There's one way to get a kiss - just be so boring that there's literally nothing better to do with you.

Back at the Pinot Palace some amazingly unexpected things are happening, like the fridge is making things cold, water is making things wet, and Kacie B is whingeing. Again.

"I guesss I didn't think it would be this hard so soon," wails Kacie B, as millions of viewers around the country shout "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Back on the most boring date ever, Ben and Rachel have finished their dull conversation in the boat and have begun scene two on land.

BEN: You've been on dates every week!

RACHEL: Yeah I've been on group dates, but now I'm on a real date.

BEN: A real date.

RACHEL: A real date.

A conversation so dull, even inanimate objects can join in.

They drink some champagne in desperation for something to do, before staring awkwardly at each other for a while and talking about squinting. The dialogue is so sparkling, it could win a Tony for best stageplay:

RACHEL: I like how you're giving a little wink.

BEN: Am I? It's more like squinting right now.

RACHEL: No it's just like, cos I dunno, the sun... I've got the sun...

BEN: Yeah, you've got the worst of it. I have a hard time with my... my eyes.

RACHEL: I'll have nice... um... lines.

BEN: Really? Crow's feet?

*AWKWARD SILENCE*

BEN: God, it's nice out here.

RACHEL: It IS.

"Can we go home yet?"

"Rachel is beautiful and we have good chemistry, but the conversation was kind of lacking," says Ben, simultaneously winning both the "Least Accurate Description of Chemistry" and the "Understatement of the Year" awards.

"LOOK A BEAVER DAM!" he says, pointing at a pile of wood in a desperate effort to inject some excitement into the proceedings.

Ladies, if you're on a date with a guy and the most exciting thing that happens is that he notices a pile of logs, you're in trouble.

Meanwhile Rachel sadly misses an opportunity to make a joke about beavers and instead returns to blinking.

"She's tougher to read than the other girls," Ben says, charitably.

DO YOU MEAN BORING, BEN?

I'm assuming about 11 hours pass over the adbreak because by the time we return it's pitch black (Christ knows how they filled that much time with only one bottle of champagne and a beaver dam) and Ben is leading Rachel through the woods, perhaps to a clearing where he will behead her while shouting "A REEEEEAL DAAAAATE!" before disposing of her body in the picturesque river, purely for something to do.

But no, he takes her to a log cabin to indulge in some more awkward banter.

"This is the first one on one date where I'm a bit confused, it's not that my guard's up with Rachel there's just something I can't put my finger on," muses Ben.

HOW MANY CLUES DO YOU NEED, YOU IDIOT? SHE'S BORING.

Time for Act 3 of "Awkward Date", in which the repartee can be summed up by this one picture:

Back at the Moselle Mansion The Women are all getting excited about the next group date, except for Patti Stanger who is annoyed everyone is constantly breaking the two drink maximum rule at the mixer.

"I could organise a better date than this guy."

"What do you think he's looking for from us on a group date?" asks Kacie B, in a rare moment of not whingeing.

"I think he's looking for someone who can be friendly with everyone," says Emily.

"YEP THAT'S ME ALRIGHT. NOW HAND ME MY KNIFE."

Back at the Cabin of Boredom, Ben is struggling so hard to continue a conversation with Rachel he's practically yawning in the middle of sentences. Which is OK, because Rachel is only talking in non sequiturs anyway:

I can't wait to see this on Broadway.

The conversation turns to bad relationships and Rachel starts explaining her worst flaws, which is always a good way of winning someone's heart.

"For me in past relationships it's something I'm not good at, it is something I've struggled with," she says.

"What is?" asks Ben, completely confused.

"Communication," she says, thus somewhat proving her own point.

Ladies, if your date makes this face at you, start talking about football.

Clearly this is not going well. But still Ben avoids hitting the ABORT button on this date, or the EJECTOR SEAT button next to it, which would have been more interesting to watch. No, in fact he gives Rachel a rose, which at least means we can finish this arse-tearingly boring evening and move on to the group date which today is taking place in a field.

"The group date card said 'let's see if you're a good catch' and I absolutely think I'm a good catch," says Blakely, who has seemingly forgotten that she is a 34 year old Hooters waitress.

Suddenly Ben gallops up on a horse, sending The Women into paroxysms of hysteria, not least of all Lindzi who, in case you've forgotten, loves horses.

"My heart kind of melted when Ben rode up on a horse, I mean clearly I like horses so..." begins Lindzi.

But this date's not about horse riding. No, instead the Benchelor and his harem will spend the day indulging in that romantic, age-old sport - FLY FISHING. Not only will they all spend a magical day half submerged in water throwing sharp hooks around, they also get to wear fashionable fishing gear like this:

On a positive note, this is more clothing than Blakely has worn in about 25 years.

"It's really hard for me to see Ben with other women, because we have a connection," starts Kacie B. AGAIN.

Because she can't be left unacknowledged for longer than 30 seconds, Kacie B calls Ben over to teach her how to fly fish.

"See how your wrist is going? Not a whole lot of arm, just give it the right amount of wrist," says Ben, as Blakely runs over shrieking "PICK ME, I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!"

"Oh, you were talking about fishing."

"I know this is a fishing day but let's be honest, it's not about catching trout, it's about catching Ben," drawls Courtney The Model who, if nothing else, proves that she recognises a good visual metaphor when she sees one.

"I've never fished before but catching a fish is probably not a whole lot harder than catching a man," she slags, simultaneously making herself look like a harlot while denigrating the global fishing industry.

"I love spending time with Courtney, I don't know what it is - she just kind of gets it," says Ben, completely oblivious to the fairly obvious fact that Courtney is utterly hideous.

But at least they have one thing in common - their love of intellectual discussion. From the "you have great hair, no YOU have great hair" conversation of episode 1 to the "you look hot, no YOU look hot" discussion of episode 2, when Ben and Courtney are together it's like a veritable meeting of the minds.

"Mustard's my favourite condiment," he says.

"Me too - dijon," she says.

"Oh it's got to be spicy or dijon," he says.

"I was going to say that," she giggles.

SUDDENLY - the score swells with dramatic violins, the sky darkens and people turn in shock, horror registering on their faces. Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Pentagon lights start flashing and a siren wails. A security operative's mobile phone beeps with a message. His face freezes in abject terror but he pulls himself together, racing down hallway after hallway, barking orders like "ISOLATE SECTOR H!" and "LOCK IT DOWN!" to various terrified personnel before bursting through a door marked "DO NOT ENTER". Six marines draw their revolvers on him and shout "FREEZE!" but he knows this message is too important to worry about his personal safety - he pushes through the angry men and thrusts his mobile phone into the face of the bespectacled chief officer behind the desk.

FUCK.

As the US Armed Forces prepare for their raid on Utah, Courtney perfects her "I'm a cute wittle five year old" routine which, inexplicably, Ben seems to find attractive.

"Yay, I caught a weally big fishy wish for Benny Wen! Yummy num nums!"

Everyone manages to avoid punching Courtney in the face and they all move on to a hotel for cocktails and canapes, and a chat with some girl I have never seen before in three whole episodes. Ben decides to impress her by telling her he's been in love FOUR TIMES.

"FOUR? You're 28, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's a lot, do you fall in love easily?" she asks, reasonably.

"Nooo!" he laughs, as if it's completely normal for someone to have fallen in love FOUR TIMES by the time they're 28.

"I mean that's since high school so that's 15 years, carry the two... that's pretty normal, I think," he says.

Just to be clear - THIS MEANS BEN IS COUNTING RELATIONSHIPS HE HAD WHEN HE WAS 13.

Suddenly Samantha, aka Lady Gaga, bursts in to lodge a formal complaint with Ben about not having had a solo date yet.

"I have such CRAZY feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a RING on my FINGER," she blurts in what could be mistaken for an audition for Fatal Attraction 2.
"I've been on THREE group dates, what are you OBSERVING?" she trills at the Benchelor, more than a little hysterically.

"To be honest, the group dates you've been on, you've been highly emotional," he snaps in what is obviously a complete lie - if Gaga had been anywhere close to "highly emotional" she would have taken at least some of Courtney's screen time.

"I'm wondering if you can continue to hang and be a part of this, I'm wondering if you're even here for me," he continues, as it dawns on Samantha that perhaps her strategy has backfired.

Trying to keep that p-p-pokerface.

"And THAT'S why you continue to be on group dates," he concludes, like an angry stepfather punishing his teenage daughter for drinking nanna's whiskey.

To hell with the rose ceremony, Ben, let's just punt this pop star right now.

"Based on your track record, I think we should probably end this," he says, somewhat mystifyingly.

Has anyone even SEEN Samantha on screen in the last three episodes? Has she even done ANYTHING? It can't be that she's boring - Rachel talked about crow's feet for 20 minutes and got a rose, for christ's sake.

Nevertheless, the die is cast - Samantha complained about not getting enough attention from Ben so he punished her.

THIS sort of complaining, on the other hand, is OK.

And so off trundles Samantha in a flurry of hysterical tears. Let's just hope Ben doesn't have a pet rabbit.

Meanwhile, Courtney seems to have really made herself at home in Utah.

Undeterred by Samantha's recent dismissal, Kacie B has YET ANOTHER whinge about having to share Ben with the other girls, and he somehow manages to not push her off the balcony and move on with his life.

"Today I wanted to kiss you so bad in the river... er, the creek... er, I mean... VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!" shouts Ben.

Not to be outdone in the moping stakes, Courtney combines both of her superpowers - behaving like an annoying five year old and acting put out - and managed to beat Ben into complete submission.

The whole "creepy towel" thing probably helped, too.

"I had a weally gweat day today," she says, sucking her fingers.

"I was surprised at how well you did!" smiles Ben, not at all minding the weird father role he's worryingly slipped into.

"I caught a fish!" she giggles.

Then Ben reads her a story, rubs her tummy and tucks her into bed with her favourite teddy. But not before she launches stage two of her attack, titled "When I'm not with you, I feel funny in my tummy".

"I'm having a rough time, I'm feeling down a little bit, I've lost sight of us a little bit," she whinges which, translated into English, means "GIVE ME A GOD DAMN ROSE, MOTHERFUCKER."

The deal is sealed when Courtney pulls her classic power move - the duck face:

"See how badly my self esteem is hurt? SEE IT?"

It's an impressive performance from Courtney, but her powers must be waning as it takes her at least eight goes at the duck face to get Ben to fetch her the rose.

Wow, she really IS a model.

Fortunately, Ben is a total moron so dutifully gives Courtney the rose in order to stave off her pending mental breakdown.

Things are getting far too exciting here, let's move on to Ben's solo date with Jennifer, a contestant absolutely no one cares about.

Continuing in the tradition of "Dates that could be the basis of a scene in Mission Impossible", Ben takes Jennifer to a giant underground cave and makes her rapel into it.

And here you thought bikini skiing was the worst date ever - try tandem bikini spelunking!

"I'm scared of heights," says Jennifer, displaying something of a lack of understanding of what a cave is.

Come on now. Scaling bridges, skiing down streets, rapelling into craters - who the fuck IS this guy? James Bond?

But Jennifer has to TAKE THE PLUNGE and DIVE INTO THE UNKNOWN to impress Ben, so with bad metaphors and dreams of quadraplegia dancing in her head, she strips down, straps up and jumps into the abyss.

Remember girls - if you're scared for your life, just ignore your own instincts. As long as it impresses the guy you're with. You can deal with the medical bills and life long debilitation later.

"I need someone who is flexible," says Ben, as Blakely divebombs from the top of the cave shrieking "I CAN PUT MY LEGS BEHIND MY HEAD!"

Meanwhile, if you thought this date couldn't get any worse, they then go to dinner in the middle of a rainstorm while discussing their "daily structure" ("I'm a nine to five girl, eight to four," Jennifer says) followed by a country music concert.

Would rather do this.

Of course he gives her a rose.

"I have a little piece of Ben that no one else does," swoons Jennifer, which explains why there's blood dripping from her jeans pocket and why Ben is now screaming in pain. It's only little, he won't miss it.

Back at Goon HQ, Courtney is beguiling everyone with her unique and original tales of how she "has heaps of guy friends" and is "more comfortable around guys than girls", which will certainly help cement her position as female viewers' favourite character on the show.

"I'm just not used to being around SO MANY WOMEN," sighs Courtney, who clearly

a) lives on the mythical planet of Testosteronia where women don't exist, and

b) takes longer than three whole weeks to get used to new situations.

I understand though because, for models like Courtney, it's really unusual to be around lots of women all the time.

Really very unusual.

I think it's just about time for the rose ceremony party, don't you? In a (large) nutshell (like say, a coconut):

• Emily wages war on Courtney, describing her as "a statue made of marble. It's really beautiful but it's cold and it's hard on the inside." Other similes Emily could have used include: a statue made of ice, something else made of ice, a badly microwaved frozen burrito.



• Emily sits down for a chat with Ben and, remembering Chris Harrison's warning, avoids discussing the weather. Sadly though she forgets the warning of all sane women everywhere: "Don't bitch about the girl the guy you like likes because he'll hate you for it". Her thinly disguised whingeing about Courtney's two-faced behaviour makes a huge BANG! sound as it backfires spectacularly.



• Courtney hears that Emily has bitched her out and spontaneously turns into Charlie Sheen, shrieking "WINNING!" at various intervals and angrily spitting tiger blood.



• "She talked about ME? I wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her," says Courtney, a plan which raises two potential problems:
  
  1) Ripping Emily's head off would constitute ACTUAL assault, rather negating the need for any verbal assault, and
  
  2) Ripping Emily's head off would kill her or, at the very least, render her unable to hear anything, making a subsequent verbal assault somewhat pointless.
  
  And of course, this is ignoring the fact that Courtney already launches a verbal assault on EVERYONE every time she opens her mouth.



• "She's on my LIST," threatens Courtney, leaving everyone wondering who else is on there.
  
  
  She REALLY hates Kool Aid.



• "Can you just look at the craziness outside?" exclaims Rachel, staring at the rainstorm. Unfortunately everyone is too distracted by the craziness inside to give a shit.



• "I don't start fights, I finish them," says Courtney through gritted teeth as she storms over to Emily's couch and commences a session of heavy staring.
  
  
  "Your girlish ways are no match for my duck face."



• Sadly Emily proves herself to have no cajones whatsover, and starts fretting and crying and OH GOD GIRL, GET A GRIP, YOU'RE BEING THREATENED BY A FIVE YEAR OLD WITH A DUCK FACE.



• Time for a drinking game! Down a shot every time someone says "emotions run high", "the stakes have been raised", "it's getting hard", or anything other than a straight "yes" to accept a rose, ie: "absolutely", "of course", "definitely" or "JUST GIVE ME THAT GOD DAMN THING!". Drink a double every time a woman whispers sub-audibly when accepting a rose.



• For some reason known only to the producers, Blakely gets a rose. As IF Ben is going to marry a Hooters waitress. No one marries Hooters waitresses, that's why Blakely is 34 and on a televised dating show.



• Everyone is shocked when Emily gets a rose. Oh MAN, now she'll just keep fighting with Courtney every episode! Oh, right...

Everyone gets a rose except Monica who is kicked out into the snow - bur not before grabbing Blakely's number on the way out.

Of course she did.

Now that's over, Ben can reveal the next exotic location on the group's itinerary - PUERTO RICO!

OMG!

"Oh, I was just there two months ago," says Courtney, disappointed at receiving a free tropical holiday to somewhere she's already been.

BITCH, PLEASE.

"Well... we're all going back," says the Benchelor, prompting another round of cheers and glass clinking.

"I can go higher than anybody!" gurgles Courtney, raising her glass.

Let's just hope someone has the foresight to slip some arsenic into it.

---

WANNA RELIVE THE PAST? GO BACK AND READ Episode 3 | Episode 5 coming Tuesday, January 31.

Read More

The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E3

Having left the bright lights of the Sonoma cheese shop behind, the Benchelor takes his harem to his home town of San Francisco where HANG ON, WHO IS THIS BITCH?

Oh, right.

Thank goodness, it's just his sister. I thought "The Women" (as Ben lovingly refers to them) might have had some extra competition to worry about there. LET'S HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.*

*Note: It might happen again in about 35 minutes.

Julia, who is no doubt extremely proud of her brother for signing up to be a man whore on national television, asks the Benchelor how things are going and gives what might be the best response ever when he tells her "the girls are incredible":

"Really?"

She also gives the correct response when told that "There's one girl called Lindzi, she rode in on a horse":

"YES SHE SOUNDS LOVELY."

Ben's startling lack of perception and understanding of women is evidenced again when he tells his sister "There's a model called Courtney, you would really love her".

Ben goes on to describe Emily the epidemiologist as "a science nerd", as opposed to AN ACTUAL SCIENTIST, and Jennifer as "an accountant - but she's super attractive".

"Just because you work with maths doesn't mean you have to be unsexy!"

After two minutes with Julia we realise she is far too sane to take up much more screen time so we quickly exit to some posh hotel where The Women are squealing about nothing in particular and drinking iced tea.

KIDDING! They're drinking champagne, of course. What do you think this is, normal everyday life where people don't drink alcohol first thing in the morning?

Someone accidentally rubs an old, dusty bottle of pinot grigio and out pops Chris Harrison in a puff of smoke to give a speech that will ensure The Women go batshit crazy over the Benchelor for the rest of the episode.

"When you get time with Ben, wherever it is, take advantage of it - it might be the only time you get before the next rose ceremony," he advises, as The Women narrow their eyes and start sharpening their claws.

Actual image from The Bachelor producers' storyboard for episode 3.

Chris announces Emily the epidemiologist (aka the one wot knows about science and that) has been chosen for the first solo date of the day.

"There are a thousand things going through my mind," she says, which is a nice change from all the other women who typically only have one or two things in their mind.

"Does smiling like this make me look prettier and more vulnerable, or just drunk?"

"I wonder if Chris Harrison is single."

"I hope no one's noticed that I look like Patti Stanger."

"Who the fuck am I?"

"I'm sure the date with Emily will be boring," shrugs every female viewer's favourite contestant, Courtney the model.

"Some of these women are really well educated but, and I always say this, 'book smart' can be a little boring."

Right on, Courtney. Just TALKING about books makes me fall asleep, which is why my head hit the keyboard three seconds after this and I only woke up in time to see Emily running towards Ben on a pier as he exclaimed "I've been in every nook and cranny!". I can only assume he was talking about Blakely.

Then he announces they're going to be climbing up San Francisco's Bay Bridge, because crapping your pants in fear while having your crotch bruised to hell by a harness is the perfect way to spend a first date.

"This is all about diving headfirst into the unknown," says Ben, displaying a worrying lack of understanding of how to climb a bridge.

"If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there's no telling how far we can take this relationship."

I'd say about THAT far.

"I feel like I want to die," gasps Emily, which is not unlike something I'd say if forced to go on a date with Ben, bridge or no bridge.

Emily braces herself and starts the slow trek up the side of the bridge with nothing but a couple of wires to break her fall, as I stare slack jawed at the TV and squeak "Are you serious?"

This chick better get a fucking BUNCH of roses at the end of this, for real. How one manages to remain charming, attractive and personable while clinging to a carabiner for dear life I do not know.

Honestly, they're REALLY going to the top? The TOP, top?

Just to reassess: Courtney went on a picnic, Kacie B got dinner and a movie and Emily gets to strap on a fluoro safety vest and hard hat and climb to her potential death. Just making sure you got that.

Meanwhile back at the Casa di Chardonnay, The Women are just hanging out doing the usual - you know, mapping the trajectory of the planets with their telescope - when they miraculously spots Ben and Emily 10km away on the side of the bridge.

"I can't see them, it's so dark outside! Are they near the big TASCO sign or what?"

"Oh no, but Emily's afraid of heights!" they all chirpily enthuse.

HELLO, SHE'S 160 METRES ABOVE SAN FRANCISCO BAY. EVERYONE IS AFRAID OF THAT.

Back on the bridge, Emily's freaking out and refusing to move any further so The Benchelor does the only thing he knows how and kisses her.

Sadly, Emily doesn't fear-vomit into his mouth but kisses him back, and because Ben's saliva is some sort of magic elixir that cures all anxiety she dutifully resumes her charge up the bridge of death, all the while quipping metaphors about how bridges and near fatal experiences are just like relationships.

They finally get to the top, they hug, no one dies, it's magical.

Yeah great, but now you have to get down.

"If we can accomplish this, there's nothing we can't do together," grins the Benchelor, echoing the sentiments of bridge maintenance workers the world over.

"Hey Bob, wanna get married?"

After an afternoon of almost dying, they pop off to dinner where Emily admirably eschews drinking an entire bottle of whisky for a sensible glass of wine.

Strangely, this doesn't stop her from telling Ben all about the time she almost dated her brother on the internet.

Despite this admission of near incest, Ben gives her a rose, pashes her and sets off at least $25 worth of fireworks. Result.

Back at Pinot Grigio HQ, The Women are trying to decipher the Benchelor's latest group date invitation.

"It says 'let's cross something off our leap list', what do y'all think that means?" drawls Kacie B.

Here's hoping it involves another bridge.

As it turns out it involves "snow skiing", in the middle of San Francisco, in summer. Cue Tim Allen "whuh?" sound effect. SKIING? ON SNOW? IN SUMMER? IN THE CITY? BEN, YOU SO KER-RAZY!

They all pile in to Ben's whizz bang super car, which is so technologically advanced it is basically Knightrider's KITT on steroids. Check out the amazing "wallpaper" feature:

WOAH.

Ben shows just how super incredible this feature is by pressing about 57 buttons and navigating through 13 different menus to change the photo to Blakely.

"I'd rather see Rachel's picture," sniffs Monica, who seems to have forgotten what happened in episode 1.

I guess we can't blame her, there WERE about 26 bottles of pinot involved in the lead up to this moment.

They finally reach their destination, where Ben reveals that the top item on his "leap list" has always been to cordon off a city street, cover it with trucked-in snow in the middle of summer and piss off an entire block of residents by "skiing" down it all day.

Everyone was thrilled to lose their parking space for a day, because it was for TV.

They all promptly take off their clothes, strap on skis and begin THE STUPIDEST GROUP DATE EVER, YES, EVEN STUPIDER THAN THAT KIDS' PLAY THEY DID IN EPISODE 2.

Really?

"Everyone is stopping and staring, it's the weirdest feeling ever," says Monica, who seems confused as to why blokes are suddenly congregating on their roofs with eskys full of beer.

Attention Monica: This might be why.

Meanwhile, back at Goon Mansion the Benchelor's latest solo date invitation has arrived - it's for Brittney, who will obviously be going on a tour of San Francisco's kitschiest tourist spots, as heralded by the crappy souvenir Ben included with the envelope.

So, Alcatraz then?

Because there hasn't been any drama in this episode since Emily almost fell off that bridge and killed herself, the producers decide to create some by getting Brittney to speculate that she might not have a good time on her date with Ben.

After the shock waves have dissipated and the paramedics have finished reviving all those who spontaneously fainted at this awesome announcement everyone commences a period of awkwardly smiling at each other, much like amateur actors do in a stage play when someone's forgotten their lines. This is possibly because they ARE amateur actors who have forgotten their lines.

Staged? This? Nooooo. OK, maybe.

"Wow, a date, I didn't see that coming," says Brittney, while desperately trying to look as though she hadn't read all about it in the script the producers gave her the day before.

"You guys are going to have an awesome time, you're both... so cool," ventures Emily, before shouting "PROMPT!"

We leave the Women's Temperance Union Amateur Dramatics Society there for a moment to catch up again with Ben and The Women, who by now have finished showing their arses to innocent San Franciscan bystanders and are sinking piss at a tiki bar.

Well, Kacie B isn't. Instead she takes The Benchelor outside to whinge to him.

"It's hard to see you with other women," she complains.

"All you have to do is just focus on that beautiful evening that we had," says Ben, before finishing with "And try to forget that you're the last thing on my mind when I'm pashing 16 other women every episode."

"Whatever, babe. Now go make me a sandwich."

Back at the Chardonnay Players' opening night performance of their new show "Brittney's Struggle", Brittney is explaining her decision to - DUN DUN DUNNNNN! - leave the house.

"These circumstances are not for me, I really don't want to be in a house with 25 girls," she says, which is totally understandable given that she elected to be on a TV show in which 25 girls share a house.

"I didn't know what I was getting myself into," Brittney says as she packs her bags, which is fair enough because The Bachelor has only been on for 16 SEASONS.

As Brittney begins her sad walk back to a normal, breakfast cocktail-free life, we head back to the tiki bar where Blakely has discovered the one thing that's sure to turn any many on - bitching about other women.

"They all HATE me, they're very spiteful and very jealous," she spits.

"Tell me more, I just LOVE hearing about your problems."

"What I would truly hate is for this to be too hard for any of the girls to the point where they might leave," says The Benchelor, which is A TRULY AMAZING COINCIDENCE because look - here comes Brittney up the garden path with her travel bag for Act 3 of "Brittney's Struggle".

TOTALLY UNSCRIPTED DRAMA.

Brittney buggers off home, Ben gives the group date rose to Rachel the hoarse voiced (as opposed to Lindzi the horse lover and Blakely the horse faced) and we all move on to the second solo date, otherwise known as the "you were my second choice after Brittney" date.

This time it's with Lindzi, who Ben clearly thinks is 10 years old as their first stop is an ice cream shop followed by a tour of City Hall. Which is locked up for the night, natch, but Ben has a key. Double natch.

"I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS, BUT HE'S KIND OF AMAZING," gushes Lindzi, as though Ben is just a normal guy who always carries around a key to San Francisco's City Hall on his keyring and isn't actually on a TV show.

Once inside the weirdest date ever gets weirder when a group of leather-clad men jump out of nowhere and start shrieking. I hope it's a band of Californian ninjas come to steal Ben's key to City Hall, and that there's a lot of POW!-ing and THWACK!-ing to follow. But no, it's just some band I've never heard of.

"That's right, I'm being paid a shitload for this."

After 10 minutes of awkward dancing Ben and Lindzi head to a speakeasy bar where Ben raps on the door and mutters "a horse of course" through the keyhole. I assumed he was just describing Lindzi to the bouncer but it turns out that's the password to get in. Clubs these days!

They make their way to the back for dinner where it becomes obvious not only that they've enjoyed more than their fair share of pre dinner drinks, but that neither of them has seen a bottle of shampoo in some time.

It won't happen overnight, but... no actually, it probably won't ever happen.

United by their mutual disdain for hair products Ben and Lindzi kiss, he gives her a rose and, because they've only danced awkwardly in one crazy place tonight, he takes her to a piano sales showroom to waltz to David Gray.

"That one over there comes with a free stool and a 24 months interest free payment plan."

Meanwhile, is anyone else like... ew?

Sales of Zovirax have skyrocketed since the beginning of this episode.

"I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING THAT COULD RUIN TONIGHT!" gushes Lindzi, giving the world's biggest cue for something to come and ruin tonight.

Remember how earlier I said The Women might face some extra competition this episode? THAT.

"Here's to a positive, drama free night!" smiles Courtney, clinking glasses with everyone at the rose ceremony, giving the world's second biggest cue for something to come and bring some serious drama.

Cue theme from Jaws.

But first: it's rose ceremony time which means there's some serious boob heaving, teeth flashing, hair flicking and general sucking up to do in the pre-ceremony drinks fest. In a very large nutshell (like say, a Brazil nut):

• Having not scored a date this episode, Jennifer launches into a military grade charm offensive at about DEFCON 12, heaving and flashing and flicking all over the place - but sadly misses out on any sucking, up or otherwise.



• Meanwhile, the mysterious steering wheel hands of death get closer...
  
  
  DUN-DUN... DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN...

  
  Who could it be? WHO IS THIS HARPY DRIVING ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO TAKE BRITTNEY'S PLACE AND UCK WITH THE WOMEN'S SHEE?
  
  

  
  Oh. It's just "Shawntel", a loser from a previous season of The Bachelor.



• "My feelings for Ben are very strong," says Shawntel, who can say this unequivocally as she's seen Ben on television.



• While Shawntel gets ready to crash the party and cause total mayhem, Ben and Nikki play a round of sexy trivia with the question "Garden path or back alley?"
  
  
  Surprise!



• "Nikki bless your heart you're so sweet, but YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT," scoffs Courtney The Model, before attacking Lindzi for looking "up and down" at another girl. The irony of this seems to escape her.



• As usual, Ben takes Courtney upstairs to tell her how wonderful she is at exactly the same time as everyone else is dissecting just how horrible she is in the other room. Ben is SO perceptive.



• "I don't feel threatened by ANY of the other girls here," smugs Courtney, mere seconds before Shawntel waltzes through the room on her attack mission.
  
  
  Countdown to Courtney's melt down in 10... 9... 8...



• Even Lady Gaga is all "WTF?"
  
  
  And she's not easily surprised.



• All The Women undergo a rapid process of ghetto-fication, waving their fingers around and saying things like "BITCH NO YOU DI'NT!" as Shawntel busts up to the Benchelor and sits him down for a private chat.
  
  
  Toooootally private.



• Having not seen Shawntel's previous season of The Bachelor I am completely confused as to who she is and why she wants to join the show again, or how Ben even knows her save for off the television. So let's ignore all of that and just watch the other women's reactions to her arrival:
  
  
  It's like a really bitchy Brady Bunch.



• Angry that their group of 16 strangers is now a group of 17 strangers, The Women become what is known in scientific circles as "batshit insane" for reasons that are not entirely clear.
  
  "This STRANGER just walks in, it's unfair!" says Rachel. Because obviously the rest of them are all such close friends now, having known each other for at least a week.
  
  "Well her thighs are thicker than mine, that makes me happy," says some girl I have honestly never seen before. (So you know, her thighs might be thicker but at least people remember her name... Just sayin'.)
  
  "BRAD REJECTED YOU, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU LOSER!" helpfully suggests Elyse, who has clearly had training as a counsellor.
  
  "WE DON'T WANT TO RE-USE BRAD'S DUMPSTER TRASH!" shouts RuPaul, who obviously still hasn't found his way to the Drag Race set yet.
  
  "YOU'RE A CREEPER AND YOU DRAIN PEOPLE'S BLOOD FOR A LIVING!" shrieks Rachel, which rather silences all other conversation.



• CUE COURTNEY'S MELTDOWN: "I watched him talk with this girl and I'd just rather check out now I DON'T NEED TO FIND LOVE LIKE THIS!" she wails.
  
  
  It's lucky she's so well adjusted.



• "So Shawntel rides in on her high hearse, no pun intended," says Nikki, who rather misses the point of what a pun is.



• Chardonnay Mansion has been consumed by a veritable tsunami of tears and tantrums, with virtually every woman freaking out on a nuclear level for no real reason. Time for Chris Harrison to appear and sort this shit out.
  
  
  He makes problems go away.



• Chris hands out some Valium, tells everyone to calm the fuck down, and demands an immediate rose ceremony. Good call.



• Clearly Ben has taken some psychotropic drugs to get over the stress of Shawntelgate, as he gives the first rose to Courtney, who then pretends she doesn't want to accept it.
  
  "Tonight was heavy for me; I saw you talking to whats-her-butt and it was not easy," says a drunk six year old who has accidentally wandered near the microphone. Oh no wait, that's Courtney's voice.



• "On a scale of one to 10 I feel like I'm going to throw up," says Jaclyn, inventing a brand new numeric system that's sure to take off.



• "If Ben chooses Shawntel over me, it will not be pretty," she continues.
  
  
  I think I'll leave that one there.



• We get to the final rose and Chris Harrison's valium is obviously starting to wear off as The Women are getting shrill again and starting to beat each other with their shoes. Can we hurry this along?
  
  "Before we go any further I'd just like to say a few things," says The Benchelor.
  
  "FUCK," yells someone in the back row, which is possibly the most intelligent thing anyone's said all night.



• As soon as The Benchelor begins his speech, Erica passes out and falls to the ground, putting the final nail in the coffin of Ben's future career as a motivational speaker.



• Everyone stands around and watches as Erica lies on the floor, saying helpful things like "Your lips are turning blue!" and "Do you need some orange juice?". Fortunately Emily the epidemiologist is there to confirm that she doesn't have a disease.
  
  
  "Nope, it's definitely not ebola."

Finally Erica recovers from her fake fainting disorder and gathers herself for the final rose showdown with Jaclyn, who kind of looks like a bloke, and Shawntel, whose name kind of sounds like a bloke.

Will Erica's trip into the unconscious be enough to trigger Ben's empathy switch?

Will Jaclyn's threat of physical violence, and sheer muscle mass to make that threat a reality, be enough to frighten Ben into voting for him her?

Will Shawntel, who drove across the country to proposition a guy she's never even met, score a rose by managing to be the LEAST crazy motherfucker in this show?

They're all so tempting, it's hard to choose.

As it turns out, it IS too hard to choose - so Ben decides to dump all three of them and keep his rose for his nightstand.

Good call, Ben.

Shawntel runs away crying, Jaclyn storms off to the toilets to angrily adjust her codpiece while Erica collapses again, spewing forth torrents of tears, but the true indicator that things are awry in the house is this:

Is that... WATER?

Join me tomorrow for a recap of episode four of BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY!

---

Go back and read Episode 2 | Go on ahead and read Episode 4

Read More