Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: THE FINALE

Well, people - I've got my limited edition Guy Sebastian Idol mug at the ready, my limited edition Daniel Mifsud Idol scarf round my neck and my limited edition Lisa Mitchell Idol ballet flats on my feet, and I'M READY TO LIVEBLOG.

Raoul and I here in Idol HQ will be running a live commentary on this glittering night of nights, and updating this entry every few minutes. All you have to do is keep refreshing this page! Let's just pray to the server gods that I won't exceed my bandwidth, or anything boring like that.

So as the clock ticks down, and Ruby Rose and her tattoos attempt to do something entertaining for once on the Your Generation Xmas special, we wait...

7.34pm: And wait...

7.35pm: Good, everything appears to be working so far. ISN'T LIVEBLOGGING FUN?

7.37pm: Ooh goody, it's started - with the obligatory montage of Stan and Hayley, our illustrious final two, as well as a montage of past Idol finalists you seriously can't remember. SOON, FOOTAGE OF ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL BE ADDED TO THAT MONTAGE FOR NEXT YEAR.

7.39pm: Next up - a performance from the choir of teens not good enough to make it into the top 100. Give them a hand!

7.40pm: Now a bunch of random audience members has stormed the stage! SECURITY, STOP THEM! Oh wait, it's the other finalists. You know, the ones you decided you didn't like weeks ago. So sit back and enjoy this performance by singers the whole country said they didn't like.

7.41pm: COUSIN IT CAN PLAY GUITAR! This is a real win for the Addams Family. Maybe they could start a band? The Partridge family did it.

7.42pm: Petstarr - "This song is terrible." Raoul: "This SHOW is terrible."

7.43pm: "This is major pants," says Raoul, before launching into a verion of "This is ground control to major pants...". Speaking of which, I'm rather impressed that Hayley has come dressed as David Bowie tonight. SALUTE YOUR ROCK ELDERS.

7.44pm: Meanwhile, Stan has come as a FULL ON NEW ZEALANDER. "Oh moy gourd thus us wucked men!"

7.45pm: OH MY GOD MARCIA WHAT THE HELL?

7.46pm: OK, now I've composed myself slightly I THINK I can work out what happened to Marcia's outfit - she was rushing to the Opera House from a bit of late Sunday shopping at Bunnings when she accidentally fell over an errant broomstick in the string aisle, and got caught up in a roll of twine. That can be the only explanation.

7.48pm: Hmm. I'm not going to be able to put up any photos tonight, am I? Bugger.

7.49pm: I might take this adbreak as an opportunity to say - if you're sitting here pressing F5, please leave me comments! I'd like to think I'm not all alone here. Also - if you can come up with a better explanation for Marcia's outfit, I'd like to hear it.

7.51pm: Michael Buble takes out his little book of Swing King Cliches, turns to chapter 11 - "Old school swing songs that 'the kids' still seem to love" and starts singing Feeling Good. It should be pointed out that he is LOOKING good, however. Mmm, Buble.

7.52pm: And here comes Hayley to ruin it even more. Sigh. Fortunately I am distracted by the glare from the shine on her bowling shoes which she has specially rented for the night.

7.54pm: Apparently it's a heatwave in Sydney right now. To this I say SUCKED IN. Now, where's my beanie and mug of hot tea? Mmm that's better.

7.56pm: "VOTE CLOSE COUNTDOWN - 73 million hours". At least, that's how I read it.

7.57pm: Another ad break. Didn't we have the last one about 32 seconds ago? This is going to be a long night. In other news - thanks for the comments! They are bolstering my spirits. I feel like a digger in the trenches receiving telegrams from home. OK, so it's not quite that bad - but Hayley hasn't sung her single yet so, you know..

8.00pm: OMG KYLE CAN SING NOW? Oh wait, that's Wes Carr.

8.01pm: OK... Wes Carr is singing Beat It...

8.02pm: With Ian Moss.

8.03pm:

"Oh Wes, why did you have to sully my memory?"

8.04pm: "There's one Carr I'd be happy to trade in," quips Raoul, who has recently taken to dad jokes.

8.05pm: OK, I will admit that that performance really wasn't that bad. And not just because Wes Carr is a fellow South Aussie. But honestly Wes - THE HAT? ISN'T IT TIME TO LOSE THE HAT?

8.06pm: Time for some Where's Wally with Ricki Lee in the crowd. Fortunately, the kids have made a small ring around her - or maybe she's just forgotten to wear her Rexona tonight.

"Rip her top off!" shrieks Raoul.

8.07pm: "Let's take a look at your final two and how they've made it here to the grand final!" says Ricki Lee. Oh good, yes, let's have ANOTHER FUCKING MONTAGE.

8.08pm: Oh god... Sabrina is singing When Love Takes Over again. OH GOD NO, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

8.09pm: WHO TOLD THESE GIRLS THEY COULD SING THIS SONG? WHO? I WANT NAMES!

8.10pm: Kate the cowgirl comes on in her trademark hat and ill fitting jeans with a dance beat backing - the overall effect is like New Year's Eve at the Gol Gol Pub.

8.10pm: Some girl I have never seen before in my life wanders on in a satin bedsheet and leather gloves, looking like an extra from Labyrinth, and starts yelling "OVER, OVER OVER!" at the audience. Yes, we wish it were OVER too.

8.11pm: "VOTE CLOSE COUNTDOWN: 32.57". Can we vote that this thing finishes at 8.30pm?

8.12pm: I might as well admit right about now that I've had Stan's little black box in my head all week. NOT IN THAT WAY, YOU DIRTY PERVERTS. The song, obviously. Aren't you just DYING to see the video clip for that? It's reason enough to vote him in as the winner.

8.16pm: While we're in a completely boring adbreak - I'll give a shout out to Raoul, who has just made the most delicious coconut jelly dessert for me! Aww. He's not always shouty and rude, sometimes he's decidedly metro.

8.17pm: Let's take a look back at all the crappy guest judges they've had this year - Suzi Quatro, aka your crazy auntie; Liza Minnelli, aka your crazy great auntie; Ross Wilson, aka the guy we roped in early before we knew who we could get that was any better. Remember when they had Pink? And Britney Spears? No, neither can I.

8.19pm: OMG BRUNO HAS TOTALLY PUNK'D THE IDOL STAGE! YES! GO BRUNO! I hoe he shows his kugelsack.

8.20pm: I am LOVING Bruno's awesome embroidered belt. Very now. I totally didn't know he could sing!

8.21pm: Actually he can't.

8.21pm: Er, IS that Bruno?

8.21pm: Right, so it's Mika. Apart from his embroidered belt, and his foppish hairdo, and the fact that his drummer seems to have an exotic sort of fungus growing on her shoulders, this is completely underwhelming. I liked him better when he was Bruno.

8.22pm: I'm not sure what's prompted it (perhaps the belt) but the audience has revolted. "WE ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK WE ARE!" they shout angrily, waving their fists in the air. Unfortunately, any hopes of this protest group forcing Mika off stage are dashed when he launches into another song. Sigh.

8.24pm: So I'm guessing we're not going to see anyone's kugelsack, then. Unless Kate gets another performance.

8.25pm: "How good was that?" yells Ken Doll.

...

8.26pm: Ken Doll announces tonight's show is brought to us courtesy of the government's national anti-binge drinking campaign. Which is a pity, as binge drinking would seem to be the only way to survive this catastrophe.

8.30pm: So, are there ANY blokes in the live audience tonight?

8.32pm: OMG RICKI LEE IS SINGING THE DEODORANT AD LIVE!

8.33pm: Ricki Lee has borrowed Adele's satin dress from before to dress up a four poster bed for this act, which she awkwardly climbs off with the help of two backing singers. She had three, but I think she got hungry backstage.

8.33pm: I think we should all declare Idol 2009 "The Year of the Thigh".

8.34pm: Ricki Lee attempts some stripper dancing, but ends up looking like she just wants to go to the toilet.

8.35pm: Toilet dancing and thighs aside, I love Ricki Lee. What a champ. TAKE THAT, BRITNEY LIP SYNCHING SPEARS.

8.36pm: And then there was foreboob. Sigh.

8.37pm: Time for an Ed Hardy fashion parade, courtesy of the male finalists and Snore Patrol.

8.38pm: WELCOME BACK TIM. HEART.

8.38pm: I am so disappointed Scott Shark Eyes has neglected to put his tattoo sleeve on tonight. He does, however, appear to be wearing a costume tail. OK.

8.39pm: Speaking of disappointment - I am most upset that Gaythan hasn't turned out in sequins and feathers like I'd hoped. Actually, where is Gaythan? Has anyone even seen him? Has he chucked a strop for not getting into the top two and decided to hide in the back somewhere?

8.41pm: Bunch of blokes in black vinyl run around singing song you've never heard of. That's basically what that last three minutes was.

8.43pm: Comment of the night so far from Anonymous: "Didn't Toby quit? Usually if u quit a job u dont get invited back for the Xmas party!"

8.43pm: Speaking of Christmas parties, if only the Idol one was like this:

That would obviously be Sabrina in the purple dress.

8.46pm: Ken Doll: "Voting lines have closed. But we're going to continue dragging this bitch out for hours yet with performances by people you would normally cross the street to avoid."

8.47pm: The original and best Idol Guy Sebastian has borrowed Usher's entire vibe and Wes Carr's hat for his performance with Jordin Sparks. Jordin is having an AWESOME time, because she's not there. They're just showing the bits of her from the video clip. This is rather like advertising that Arnold Schwarzenegger is coming to your birthday party, and then playing a DVD of The Terminator to your guests.

8.51pm: CHECK OUT GUY'S GUNS. I swear, they never fail to impress me.

8.51pm: Apparently Jordin couldn't come because she had appendicitis. I think it's more likely that she saw a tape of the 2008 Idol finale and thought "Fuck that".

8.54pm: So. How's everyone doing? Everyone got enough to eat? Drink? NO BINGE DRINKING ALLOWED - the government says so. Sort of puts the mockers on my Idol drinking game, where you get to slug a shot every time Stan says "ay".

8.55pm: Also, you need to drink every time Ricki Lee mentions "wetness" or "odour".

8.57pm: "I love this job because I turn up to work every day and I never know quite what to expect," says Ken Doll cryptically, as the lights dim and ominous strings strike up. The crowd starts screaming - ARE THEY GOING TO SHOOT THEM ALL? THAT would be great television.

8.58pm: As it turns out it's NOT a mass killing, it's just Michael Buble singing again. So, you know, kind of the same thing. ZING!

8.59pm: Fireworks, brass, crooning and a tux - this performance could only be bettered if they concluded it by firing Liza Minnelli out of a cannon. DO YOU THINK THEY WILL? Surely that's within the budget?

9.01pm: New comment of the night from Anonymous: "Don't let a night out turn into a nightmare = don't let sabrina sing when love takes over - again."

9.02pm: In a moment of clarity as yet unmatched on tonight's show, Michael Buble sums up the entire thing in five words - "It doesn't matter tonight, really."

ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE MIGHTY BUBLE.

9.07pm: A pair of ripped acid wash jeans walks onto the stage accompanied by Hayley Warner and her hunch.

9.08pm: "Whatever happens from this point on is a career turn," says Hayley.

"I was famous once. Would you like fries with that?"

9.10pm: It's been a least 10 minutes since our last montage, let's have another one. COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE ANY MORE FOOTAGE THAT WE HAVEN'T ALREADY SEEN? Until they show hidden camera footage of Hayley snorting coke off a half-naked Chippendale in the back of a panel van, I'm not interested in any more montages, thank you.

9.12pm: For the drinking game - make sure you have a shot any time someone says the word "journey" or "dream".

You in the morning.

9.15pm: Hayley sings Pink. Again. Mika stands backstage going "Yeah, but does she have an embroidered belt?"

9.16pm: Dicko, Marcia and Jay Dee say something from wherever they are which, by the looks of it, is hovering above the stage somewhere.

9.17pm: BC Commenter Little Faerie Girl is right - "national binge drinking campaign" DOES rather sound like an INVITATION, rather than a call to arms. PASS ME THE TEQUILA, IT'S A CELEBRATION!

9.18pm: It's about this point that I realise you lot over in the eastern states already know who the winner is. That rather takes the wind out of my sails.

9.20pm: BC pageloads hit 1066! YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME! (Does this mean I'VE won Idol?)

9.22pm: "I'm so blessed, ay," says Stan. DRINK!

9.23pm: "Thanks to everyone who voted for me, ay," says Stan. DRINK!

9.25pm: The best part of Stan's montage is the part where we learn he used to be Michael Jackson circa 1979.

9.26pm: Stan might have lost his job at that shopping mall, but it's good to see he's already got a backup plan if he doesn't win tonight:

Liza Minnelli has already signed up to the customer rewards program.

9.27pm: Stan looks through the catalogue of all the awesome songs he's sung on the show so far, ignore Purple Rain, Nothing Else Matters and Single Ladies, and goes with It's a Man's World.

9.29pm: If Stan doesn't win tonight, I'm going to eat Wes Carr's hat.

9.30pm: NEW DRINKING GAME CATEGORY - drink every time Stan mentions god. Start by skulling a pint of vodka to catch up.

9.30pm: The judging gods speak from the rafters again. Are the ghosts of Kyle and Holden up there too?

9.31pm: "You think it's awesome now? Wait until after the break," says Ken Doll to Stan. Er... did he just let the cat out of the bag?

9.33pm: WHY DID I LOOK AT MY TWITTER FEED JUST THEN? ARGH. THANKS FOR RUINING IT, LOSER.

9.34pm: Thanks to the Twitterverse for ruining any joy I might have taken from being surprised by the winner's announcement. I shall, however, trudge on regardless.

9.36pm: LIZA MINNELLI! DRINK!

9.36pm: Actually, drink AND take some pills. Any pills, it doesn't matter anymore.

9.37pm: KEYBOARDS, DRUMS, SYNTH - BRING IT ON!! IT'S THE FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! (do you like how I'm drumming up excitement here even though I already know who's won?)

9.38pm: IT'S ALL OVER - DRINK WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT LEFT....

9.39pm: AND THE WINNER IS...

9.39pm: STAN!

9.39pn: It's about this time that I'd like to remind you all of THIS, predicted by me approximately 37 years ago:

I WAS RIGHT, RIGHT I TELL YOU!

9.39pm: "I just want to thank god man, praise god, ay," says Stan. That means you drink three times. If you haven't already passed out.

9.40pm: Stan's extended family, which comprises about 37% of the audience, spontaneously breaks into a haka. This is possibly the best performance of the night.

9.41pm: Say, have you heard the one about Stan's little black box? WELL HERE IT IS AGAIN, FOR THE 53RD TIME TONIGHT.

9.43pm: I can't believe I've only just noticed that Stan is wearing a vest. THAT should be the title of his new single - "There's a little black vest, somewhere in my wardrobe, and I can't sing without it..."

9.44pm: "Farkin' hell, he'd be praising Jesus up the arse tonight," splurts Raoul, who has just wandered in for the first time in over an hour. THANKS FOR THE HELP TONIGHT, RAOUL.

9.45pm: Everyone says thankyou about a million times, leading me to include a late addition to the Idol drinking game rules - drink every time someone thanks someone. The show's over now, so you might just have to guesstimate at how many times that was and backdate your drinks.

9.46pm: AND THERE WE ARE. Stan's won, you're all drunk, and I've finished a complete Idol Wrap Up earlier than ever before. WHY DIDN'T I JUST LIVEBLOG EVERY SUNDAY? Anyway that's it. I hope you've all enjoyed your time here in the BC - I'll be blogging bits and pieces from now until the next reality TV series that takes my fancy. Suggestions? Add 'em to the comments.

Until then, you can catch me on Twitter - @petstarr - and propping up the bar at various places around SA.

See ya next time, kids!

Toooooniiiiight, tonight, won't be just any night...

IT'S FINALLY HERE.

THE NIGHT OF NIGHTS.

THE BIG ONE.

THE AUSTRALIAN IDOL FINALE!

"Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."
"Mmm-hmm!"

Because tonight's show goes for like, 16 hours, I'll be LIVEBLOGGING it all from 7.30pm CST right here! So don't wait for it to be over - head on over here from the kick off and keep hitting that refresh button for LIVE and HILARIOUS running commentary from me (and possibly Raoul, if he can stand it).

Tonight it's just you, me and the F5 button.

SEE YOU IN SIX AND A HALF HOURS!

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 2 - Winner's Singles Night

Greetings, Idolites and BC fans - I come to you from the land of the long, white steam cloud, otherwise known as Adelaide in a heatwave. In November.

Yes, it's EFFING hot here right now. It's hotter than James singing Hot in the City, Buble style. It's hotter than Scott's tattoo sleeve. It's hotter than Satan in an alpaca jumper sitting on an oil heater in the Simpson Desert. While on fire.

It's about this hot here right now.

But even Adelaide's searing 43 degree heat is no match for the opening performance by our final three - a finely tuned bit of MEDLEY MAYHEM combining Europe's Final Countdown with what they obviously assume are their best songs to date, ie: Purple Rain, Crazy and Somebody Told Me. Somebody told ME Hayley and James were wrong about that...

The performance really heats up when James jumps up on a ledge behind the judges and starts shrieking "I THINK I'M CRAAAAAZY!"

"Geez, I'd love to see him fall off there," says Raoul.

Me too.

In celebration of reaching the top three, James and Stan have come dressed as each other tonight, but have helpfully chosen different coloured shirts so we can tell them apart.

Also - Stan is the talented one.

In a surprise akin to eating a packet of chicken flavoured chips and finding they taste nothing like chicken, STAN is voted the first person through to the final. He says something like "Praise god ay yeah" in his usual articulate way.

"Please fucking get rid of James," pleads Raoul, in HIS usual, articulate way.

Drum roll - and our second finalist is... HAYLEY. Raoul erupts with joy.

"SEE YOU LATER YOU LITTLE PUFFED-UP SLEEVES, ABOUT TIME!" he shouts. As a reminder: Raoul likes to pretend he doesn't like this show.

"Woah, I was packing it before, I thought I was going home," Hayley says.

"You are, next week," scoffs Raoul, who has by now set up his tent in the pro-Stan camp and is already roasting marshmallows and unrolling his sleeping bag.

Meanwhile, over at the judge's desk, Marcia looks like she just hopped off the Starship Enterprise:

SING LONG AND PROSPER.

Actually, hang on - IS SHE A KLINGON?

Spot the difference.

I swear to GOD if that woman doesn't have her own float in next year's Mardi Gras, I'll lose faith in the entire gay community.

Let's move on to our special guest judge which tonight is swing king Michael Buble. Either that, or someone's accidentally poured a bucket of water on James and reconstituted him to his full form.

Meanwhile, Britney Spears is still absent, having declined an invitation to be guest judge due to the logistics of lip synching live commentary.

OK so we're all set up - we have our final two, we have our guest judge, we've gotten rid of the short annoying one and now it's time to SING! Anyone have any idea how to fill two hours of show with just two performers?

It's a book! No, a movie! Two syllables? TITANIC! Oh, wait...

Fortunately we won't have to resort to charades with Jay Dee and Ken Doll, as Stan and Hayley are going to sing THREE SONGS EACH. Hmm, on second thoughts - can I have another stab at that movie title?

Too late - it's on to STAN for our first performance of the night. But first, time for some QUOTE-A-RAMA with Mr Micky Bubble:

"I didn't like Stan very much, he has a ridiculous voice."

"God kissed Stan's throat."

"When he sang, I wanted to kick him a little bit."

Buble is so excited you get the impression he'd pash Stan if he could - and if God would only get his tongue out of his throat first.

Stan's chosen to sing How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, otherwise known as How Can You Bore an Audience to Tears. The answer = like this.

"How can you stop the rain from falling down?" he sings.

Move to South Australia.

Dicko clearly has nothing interesting left to say about Stan anymore, so turns his critique into a lame interview instead. Meanwhile, Marcia hears the engines starting up on the Enterprise, grabs Buble and runs off stage so as not to miss the ride back to her home planet. Jay Dee says something about texting a hitman, which may or may not be at the root of his plan to keep Kyle Sandilands off TV forever. Everyone holds hands, pashes each other and says how much they want to have Stan's babies. Then they set up their tents next to Raoul's and start telling ghost stories around the fire.

Next up is HAYLEY, with Sneaky Sound System's UFO.

OMG - has Hayley actually chosen a good song?

"I saw a UFO and nobody believes me," she sings.

"I believe you."

Marcia continues the theme of not actually saying anything of note by saying "congratulations". Buble says Hayley is infectious - maybe she was pashed by God too? Dicko says she's not too cool for school. Jay Dee says she's out of this world.

"There are more worlds than you could possibly know about, Mr Springbett."

Back over to STAN, who's either a) outing himself as a transexual on live television or b) really testing the boundaries of Idol's PG rating by singing about his black box. Or a black box. I'm not sure which, but it'll be his single if he wins, so if you plan on listening to commercial radio at any point in the next three months you should probably get used to it.

"There's a little black box somewhere in the ocean, holding all the truth about us," he sings, sounding a bit like Coldplay would if Usher got them drunk and then did unspeakable things to them in a cheap hotel room.

The song lends itself nicely to a dance remix that will no doubt be included on the next R&B Superclub compilation, sandwiched bweteen Sexy Bitch and Shake Dat Booty. It also smacks of "summer TV promo" - so expect to see Ten promoting all its shitty imported American TV fails with it this December.

For the record, I'd like to say that the only songs I want to hear Stan record are by Al Green, Marvin Gaye and HIMSELF, if this Youtube video is any indication of his song writing ability:

Buble goes on some more about how great Stan is. I try to listen to what he has to say, but I'm momentarily distracted by the skirting board. Jay Dee takes one look at Stan and says he wants his T shirt back.

This is how Jay Dee keeps track of his T Shirts - by screenprinting a giant picture of his face onto them.

Dicko says it's awesome. Marcia says - ah who cares, no one's saying anything interesting anymore.

Time for some filler? YOU BET. Let's check out all the Idols you've long forgotten about going to Maccers for McHappy day, where C grade celebrities sell burgers for a day in order to remind us all they still exist. Or actually, are they all at KFC? I think the answer is WHO THE FUCK CARES.

Back over to HAYLEY with For Once in My Life. OMG, THAT MEANS...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ONLY UP TO FOUR.

To be perfectly frank - IT IS LAME. Cruise ship lame. Maths jokes lame. CIRQUE DU SO LAME. It is so bad, she can't even get the crowd interested in clapping along.

"You're a talented girl... you're a nice girl..." says Buble, who is clearly ITCHING to finish the sentence with "but you're not as good as Stan".

Jay Dee says he's "mesmerised by her versatility", which I think is record label exec speak for "lame". Dicko says he listened to it "with my ears in" - AND IT WAS STILL LAME. No word on where his ears were earlier in the show.

Perhaps under Marcia's shoulder pads.

Marcia receives a transmission from the mothership and tries to translate it on the fly for the English speaking audience - it comes out something like "You should have sung the song to yourself because I saw the light in your eyes and it went damn."

"bIjatlh 'e' yImev."

Back over to STAN in this NEVER ENDING VOLLEY OF CRAP POP SONGS - thank the lord he's opted to bring us some more Beyonce, sweet, sweet Beyonce, with Sweet Dreams. And another hoodie. I thoroughly approve of one of these things. He takes Beyonce for a spin around the islands and Maoris her up a bit, chucking in a bit of a haka half way through. I APPROVE.

"This could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful KA MATE KA MATE KA ORA!"

"You do come from a culture where masculinity is prized," says Dicko, distinguishing Stan from all those other cultures that don't prize men...

...all of which you can see clearly identified on this globe.

Marcia says it was bad. But bad meaning good, like the Michael Jackson way.

Not bad meaning bad, like the Nikki Webster way.

"I always felt I was a heterosexual guy, but I feel all fuzzy when you dance like that," says Buble. Wait until he finds out about his black box.

Jay Dee continues this ENTIRE SEASON'S overarching theme of lame homosexual-themed comedy by complaining Stan's nipple kept falling out. How did I miss that? More importantly, how did the cameras miss that?

Never mind, it's back over to HAYLEY for what feels like the 53rd performance of the evening with her winner's single, Good Day. It's what Pink would sound like if Kelly Clarkson slipped a roophy into her beer and dressed her up in a cocktail dress and pink stilettoes while she was unconscious. It's pretty good.

"This'd be a GOOOOOD DAY to let you down," she sings.

Meanwhile, Raoul decides it's a good day to go watch The Wire in the other room. Quitter.

After a few more choruses and approximately 723 repetitions of the line "it's a goooood daaaaaay", I decide it'd be a good day for Hayley to stop singing - this song has suddenly gotten extremely irritating.

Marcia says Hayley has a distinctive voice, an observation that has been made about 357,002 times tonight. Buble makes the audience cheer for no apparent reason, Jay Dee congratulates some bloke called Ross, and Dicko says the song is so good he's going to illegally download it, rather than pay the 99c it will no doubt eventually be on iTunes.

Before we get to Stan's final song we're forced to sit through an unusually morbid montage in which he mentions something about being abused, having no hope or purpose, and crying himself to sleep.

"As Stan takes the stage at the Sydney Opera House next week he's proved one thing - no matter how dark life can get, there is always hope," says Ken Doll.

Me right now.

Then Stan ruins it all by singing a Luther Vandross song. Oh well, it couldn't last anyway.

Buble asks Stan's parents if it's weird that people will soon be making love to their son's voice in the shower. Then he asks if they'd find it weird if he made love to their son in the shower. They would.

Jay Dee says win or lose, Stan's won. Or lost. Then he says he's ridiculous. Dicko says some load of crap, I dunno - is this nearly over? Marcia thanks the Australian public and then starts thanking the band and crew for all their hard work, having clearly forgotten that Hayley still has a song left to sing.

The audience starts to file out and Jean the Channel Ten cleaning lady moves on to the stage with her mop and bucket before someone reminds her that Hayley hasn't sung her final song yet. Everyone sighs and sits down again.

HAYLEY finally comes up and wraps up the night with another pop gem, Rihanna's Don't Stop the Music. It's fair to say she's chosen the better songs tonight. The fact that she's singing them all fairly badly is secondary. I also thoroughly approve of her new jacket, which looks like what you'd get if a piano mated with a tuxedo.

Jaunty.

She is still dancing like an absolute mong though. Bless.

"I thought sitting next to the sexiest guy in the room is why this guy was on fire tonight," he says cryptically. I have no idea what he's talking about but the fact that he can acknowledge anyone other than himself as being sexy is in itself, astounding.

Dicko says he's not irrelevant. Not until next year anyway. Marcia helpfully points out that Hayley is a chick. THANKS MARCIA. Buble says she's a nice humble kid, and then adds "but Stan is way more awesome" under his breath.

AND OH MY GOD, THATS IT. IT'S ALL OVER. Well, until next week's grand finale - otherwise known as TWO HOURS OF FILLER featuring celebrities with not very expensive hire fees and past Idol contestants you no longer care about.

BUT WHO WILL WIN?

Hmmm...

Now you can be as cool as Scott Newnham!

In case you didn't think you could ever be as cool as former Idol finalist Scott Newnham - think again.

Now you can look like a totally cool, tough, legitimate rock star by buying a set of these awesome tattoo sleeves.

YES, YOU CAN LOOK THIS COOL.

I've already ordered three sets in psycho, pixies and black dragon.

Now, if only someone would invite me to the Idol finale I'd have somewhere to wear them...

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 3 - Two Hours of Power Night

OH MY GOD, WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL THREE. Well, we will be as soon as everyone stops singing We Built This City on Rock and Roll. Seriously, they made them do that to open the show this week. And you know why?

BECAUSE IT'S TWO HOURS OF POWER NIGHT!


Big deal - I have 24 hours of power at my house every day.

That's right - just three singers, FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS. HOW DOES THAT WORK? Maybe I misheard and it's actually "Gilbert and Sullivan operettas night" and it won't be over until Nathan has sung the whole of The Mikado.

Unfortunately the presence of Starship in the first five minutes seems to contradict that theory - although Hayley's COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS outfit wouldn't look too out of place in Pirates of Penzance.

She is the very model of a modern major general. Apart from those ripped tights.

Hayley, I know I've criticised your black jacket and jeans ensemble quite consistently over the last 10 weeks, but if I'm in any way responsible for your apparent need to turn to ripped leggings and tails, I am truly sorry.

So it's over to the votes - and it's slim pickings this week with only Mini Zoolander, Light Red, Gaythan and Stunned left to choose from. First back to the bench is... WHAT THE? JAMES?

I think we can all thank Toby for this turn of events.

Thanks to the quitting teacher, Australia has clearly had a change of heart about poor little James and his puppy dog eyes and voted for him in earnest. Drats. Which leaves a highly undesirable bottom three of STAN, NATHAN and HAYLEY.

HOW THE HELL?

I'm momentarily distracted from this awfulness (and no, I'm not still talking about Hayley's outfit) by Marcia, who is looking FIIINE tonight:

Mama's got a brand new wig.

But her Halle Berry-ish new look isn't enough to distract me from Australia's ultimate decision, which is that GAYTHAN should be kicked out of the competition.

This prety much sums that up.

So it looks like the people of Australia DID eventually get behind Nathan - and booted him out the door.

"I just wish everyone could see the amazing people who work back stage here," Nathan says, ignoring the fact that Ten is having enough trouble convincing viewers to watch the people ON stage.

Speaking of which, how are they planning to fill two hours with just three people?

"Each of our Idols will perform three songs tonight..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"It'll be all killer, no filler," Ken Doll continues.

Some simple maths would seem to refute that: If each Idol has three songs at approximately two minutes each, that's 18 minutes down. OUT OF TWO FUCKING HOURS.

Clearly there's going to be some time to kill tonight - so it's over to Ricki Lee, who is single handedly setting back the national domestic violence campaign by looking like someone has punched her in both eyes.

To bad make up - Australia says no.

Or maybe she's just trying to outdo eyeliner-loving special guest judge PETE WENTZ, who tonight is rendered even MORE special by virtue of the fact that HE'S NOT BRITNEY SPEARS.

Sadly, Britney couldn't get out of her circus cage to attend tonight.

Seriously, Pete Wentz? Are Fall Out Boy even touring at the moment? Why is he here?

"He looks like Missy Higgins," says Raoul.

"But with more makeup," I counter.

Speaking of makeup, it seems Ricki Lee has won the eyeliner battle as Pete has turned up clean faced, in a hoodie, jeans and maths nerd haircut and looks like the guy who lives down your street. Inexplicably, every teenage girl in the audience spontaneously wets their pants.

On to the performances, starting with JAMES who is attempting Toto's Hold the Line. Well, what beter way for a crooner wannabe to get around the "two hours of power" theme than with a dose of yacht rock?

He has a nice, wrought expression on his face - like he's just discovered the mass of cocaine he's bought for the bikini party on his yacht this weekend is actually bicarb soda - but he really needs a moustache to complete the look.

"Holder lion - glove isn't hallways on life," he sings, suggesting he might have had a little too much of that bicarb.

He finishes on a power note, and it looks uncomfortably like his brain is going to explode out of his forehead.

"Hold the OWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"I hate him - I hate the way he looks, I hate the way he sounds, I hate his little twitchy movements, I HATE EVERYTHING," shouts Raoul charitably.

I'm not sure I necessarily agree with Raoul's summation, but I do reckon I've seen better performances on footpaths. And so as a one-off special event this week I shall compare each Idol song to a past performance on that illustrious beacon of Australian TV talent quest integrity - POT LUCK. Fans of 90s Saturday night television, like me, will remember the best of Pot Luck courtesy of The Late Show's weekly toilet break.

As everyone knows, the number one Pot Luck performance of all time, the yardstick against which all other talent quest performances have always been measured, is the unforgettable Todd Rixon:

While James' performance didn't quite get to the level of awfulness of Mr Rixon, I reckon it was fairly on par with Chris Lopes:

Dicko says James' power is in his tenderness, and he should have done something tender. As much as I'm not a fan of James, I think we all know that if he had come out singing Jack Johnson on TWO HOURS OF POWER NIGHT and argued the "tenderness is my power" line, Dicko would have told him he was shit. And I would have agreed. SO BASICALLY, JAMES CAN'T WIN. Marcia fulfils her contractual obligation to disagree with everything Dicko says by disagreeing with what Dicko said. La Wentz says James did an excellent job of interacting with the crowd. Another girl wets her pants. Jay Dee says he doesn't know if James did anything wrong, but he's not sure if he did anything right either. Then he says he's Liza Minnelli.

Which goes some way to explaining his last two comments.

Over to HAYLEY who has gone for the biggest gun in the Idol arsenal with U2's One. Or as she sings it: "Werrr-errrrn".

I continue to be distracted by her atrocious outfit. Honestly, she looks like she's been dressed by a mental patient with a military fetish. Is this the result of some sort of equal opportunity initiative in the styling department? Has Sheridan been recruiting apprentice stylists from special schools again?

THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

The ensemble of hoodie, sleeveless jacket with tails and gold braiding, ripped leggings and school shoes makes me wish she'd chosen Metallica's One instead - lyrics like "darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror" seem far more appropriate. I'm so enthralled by her outfit that I almost miss her performance of Wern - except for the bits where she sang off key.

In the Pot Luck stakes, I reckon Hayley is a bit like Razia - it might have seemed like a good idea when she put the costume on, but the performance never really lived up to expectations:

Just for something different, Marcia says Wern is one of her favourite songs. La Wentz shows how cool he is by wanking on about how he was in the studio when they were remixing U2, then shows off his Wikipedia research skills by giving us the whole history of the band before concluding that Hayley is kind of OK. Liza Minnelli says U2 is too safe. Dicko says Hayley wasn't great but she didn't destroy the song either, it was a nil-nil draw.

WHAT A SCINTILLATING CRITIQUE.

Moving along to STAN who takes a look at Hayley's puny U2 gun, pushes it aside and reaches for the double barrelled nuclear missile launcher with Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. Oh dear. This has bad news written all over it.

And then - BLOODY FUCK WHAT THE HELL? Stan's done a Dean Geyer (but with less bum crack), back flipping out onto the stage. TAKE THAT, MOFOS! STAN'S HERE AND HE'S GOING TO KICK YOUR ARSES LIKE SOME KIND OF CRAZY IDOL NINJA! YESSSSS! Suddenly it doesn't matter that he's wearing a pooncy vest with a giant treble clef on it, like he's just come back from band camp. As with the vest, the rest of the song is a bit crap to be honest - he's out of breath and missing a few words here and there, BUT WHO CARES? HE DID A FUCKING BACKFLIP! GO STAN!

In Pot Luck terms, Stan would probably be Todd Rixon if he had never broken his arse and just kept on dancing. But as there's no video of that, I'll have to go with Michael Cannon instead. Michael who? Cannon. What? CANNON. Can you spell that?

La Wentz says the Benjoel told him to watch out for Stan.

"Watch out for Stan."

"If you don't win this thing and you end up with nowhere to go, give me a call please," says La Wentz.

Jealous.

Well that's positive - if Stan loses, maybe Pete can help get him his job back at the mall?

Minnelli takes credit for Stan's amazing gymnastics by mentioning the treadmill again. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN TREADMILLS. Dicko bums one of Minnelli's funny pills with the Mitsubishi logo printed on it and says Stan's performance had all the hallmarks of a bad karaoke song, and it was awesome. CONFUSED? GOOD. Marcia says something inconsequential and then it's time for some padding, courtesy of Ricki Lee. She's interviewing some woman who's campaigning for world hunger relief, which is a little like Lindsay Lohan interviewing someone campaigning for alcoholics anonymous.

Anyway, back to JAMES who is doing More than Words by Extreme who, by the way, ARE STILL TOURING.

"I think I might go watch The Wire. I can't stand another hour of this shit," says Raoul.

"MORE THAN WOOOORRRRRRRDS," I sing.

"Shhh! I can't hear it now because of YOU," snaps Raoul in what would seem to be a very sudden change of heart. See what Extreme can do to a man?

They can give him big hair, for one thing.

As you've probably guessed, I missed most of James' performance because I was singing my own version, but I know that it included bongoes, a guitar, a pair of VERY shiny shoes, and no high bits.

It was a bit like Gary Bond, but with less apt lyrics:

Minnelli says he hates that song but loves it when James strips. Then he says he wants him to "bring it out" for the next song. Let's hope James takes note to ensure a rollicking Chippendales-style finale! Dicko congratulates James on not choosing a "girlyman" song. Er, excuse me Dicko, but James just sang More Than Words. It's not exactly Enter Sandman, is it? Apparently Extreme are proper rock according to Dicko because "they wore leather pants". So did the Spice Girls.

This woman has a full leather body. That must make her the sunbathing equivalent of AC/DC.

Marcia says something about gravitating. Or maybe levitating. Whatever it is, we can probably attribute it to some of Minnelli's pills. La Wentz confuses the Idol judging panel for his weekly therapy session and says he never got to second base with any of the girls at school.

"What's second base?" I ask.

"Fingers. Fingering," says Raoul sagely.

Next up is HAYLEY again - Ken Doll announces she'll be singing INXS. A furious round of betting begins in Idol HQ as to which song she will attempt - Raoul says New Sensation, I say Suicide Blonde. I would normally have gone for Never Tear Us Apart but after Wern I'm not so sure.

"Here's Hayley Warner with New Sensation," shouts Ken Doll. Bugger.

"LIVE, BABY LIVE - NOW THAT THE DAY IS OVER," she sings, badly off key.

"Now that my career is over" might have been more appropriate. This is truly terrible. I didn't think Hayley had it in her to be crap, but she's pulling out all stops tonight. In Pot Luck terms, she's definitely this chick:

The best thing I can say about Hayley's performance is that it makes me realise I never want to hear anyone sing New Sensation other than Michael Hutchence.

"That was a poo sensation," says Raoul.

Dicko says Hayley has bacteria in her voice, which would possibly explain why she has suddenly gone to shit in this competition. Marcia uses her fallback for when she has nothing nice to say - complimenting the band. La Wentz says something about interacting with the audience for about the 500th time this episode. Jay Dee continues his Liza Minnelli impression by saying he'll reserve judgement until her third song. Fortunately for her, Liza's fans did the same thing when she was here recently.

Next up is STAN doing James Brown's It's A Man's World. It's a good choice, and he's looking schmick in a black suit jacket and white unbuttoned shirt. He stands there, he sings it, there are strings, there are no back flips, it is still pretty awesome. Like this woman:

Marcia tries to outdo La Wentz's suck-up tales of celebrity by saying she once got to see James Brown sing that song. Good for you, Marcia. La Wentz says something about what Stan has in his "wheelhouse", which I think is some weirdo Americanism for "cockpit". Luckily, we all already know what Stan has in his cockpit, thanks to his backflip earlier in the evening. Jay Dee tries to make himself look emotionally open by pretending to cry, and Dicko brings it on home with the Completely Obvious Joke That I Can't Believe Nobody Has Made Yet by saying it's "Stan's world".

JAMES is back next with with Foo Fighters' Learn to Fly, which he's decided to strip back to an acoustic version. JUST FOR SOMETHING FUCKING DIFFERENT.

He grabs his guitar and starts strumming Summer of 69 before changing his mind and sticking with the Foo Fighters plan. Eventually he gives up, slings his guitar off and starts to lead the audience in a clap. His shoes are still shiny.

This man's shoes are also shiny, but he's slightly more entertaining than James:

Fearing Marcia's celebrity anecdotes might be more impressive than his, La Wentz wanks on about how Dave Grohl bought him a beer in Germany once, a boring anecdote that takes about 20 minutes to tell and has no real point. Jay Dee says it was more "Poo Fighters" than Foo Fighters, a joke which was funnier when Raoul said it about 10 minutes ago. Dicko says James is missing he point of James - WHAT IS THE POINT OF JAMES? TELL US! Marcia says James has an inner thing.

"He has an outer thing too, and I want him to bring it out!" shrieks Jay Dee.

And so we move on to HAYLEY who has decided on The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony for her final performance. Hmm.

"It's a metaphor for life," explains Hayley helpfully. Thanks Hayley.

It's alright but, you know. It's Bittersweet Symphony. WHERE THE HELL IS THE GOD DAMN ROCK AND ROLL? TWO HOURS OF POWER? TWO HOURS OF SOFTCOCK BOREDOM, I SAY.

Raoul declares the whole thing "snoozeworthy". Her final word is "die" and that about sums it up. In terms of coolness and rock and roll swagger tonight, Hayley is on par with these ladies:

Jay Dee her voice breathed, the tonalities came back, and some other crap no one believes. ADMIT IT, SHE WASN'T THAT GOOD TONIGHT. Dicko says Hayley has a commanding femininity. Maybe that explains the military jacket?

"I am Commander Femininity."

Marcia says as long as she put her own spit in it, it's good - a philosophy Marcia applies equally to cooking, so beware if you're ever invited round to the Hines household for dinner. La Wentz manages to say something without telling a half hour anecdote about another celebrity friend of his, and we move on to our final performer of the evening - STAN - who is bringing us all home with the power of the lord and Amazing Grace, otherwise known as The Song Most Likely To Get a Standing Ovation From Marcia.

"Uf you thunk you love Jesus clup your hends..."

Hey, do you think Stan's religious?

"Christ, I'm going to get some cloves of garlic," says Raoul.

"He's not a vampire, he's a Christian," I argue but it's too late - Raoul's already threading garlic onto a piece of twine for round his neck.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound... Christ, this is more like an episode of Songs of Praise than Idol. I suppose it IS Sunday. Meanwhile, in the background, Jay Dee is so mesmerised by the performance he's talking animatedly to Pete Wentz about hair - possibly the fact that he has none.

I'm sorry to say it, but Stan's performance is about as exciting as Raymond Schild's:

Clearly swept up by the whole happy clapper vibe, Dicko says he's proud to be part of a show that "allows a lad to find redemption through music". I'm starting to feel that the consumption of grade A narcotics is necessary to understand the judge's comments on this show. Marcia says he sings from "that very special place".

"What, Sydney?" pipes up Raoul, who still hasn't buggered off to watch The Wire.

La Wentz says Stan took us on a journey with his voice, and used both of his pipes.

So presumably he can now understand every word Dicko is saying.

And that's it for another week, kids. Who do you reckon is out next week? I think it might be Hayley.

Meanwhile, if only NATHAN had been allowed to perform tonight, I'd like to think he would have done something equivalent of this (and hopefully with a similar costume):

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 4 - Noughties Night

Welcome back Idolites! Wow, it seems like only AN HOUR since I last recapped an Idol episode - how time flies, eh?

And to make tonight's show THRILLINGLY DIFFERENT from the last eight, it's NOUGHTIES NIGHT, meaning our finalists can only sing songs written in the last nine years.
fa

The new millenium was seriously cool in its day.

I am going to kick this off with some bets right here:

• James will sing Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas.



• Stan will sing something by Destiny's Child. If he's being appropriate, it'll be Bootylicious.



• Nathan will sing something by Christina Aguilera.



• Stan will also probably sing that Praise You song by that band I can't remember.



• Hayley will sing something by the Foo Fighters.

No one will sing Good Charlotte, but that's OK because they've turned up anyway as our special extraneous judges for the night.

"TWO guest judges? Oh this is bulls***.."

Apparently their names are Benji and Joel, but as they're virtually indistinguishable - and as I can't be stuffed writing out idiotic comments from FIVE judges - I'll just call them Benjoel.

"People just want three chords and the truth," says Benjoel sagely, the first of many pearls of wisdom to emanate from their collective mouth this evening.

ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE BENJOEL. OMM.

Over to Ken Doll, who's announcing he has the results of last week's vote in his hand like it's something special and new. WE KNOW, YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK. But wait...

"Before I get to the results, Toby - I believe you have something to say," he says.

Say what?

OMG - Toby is gay. He's a woman. He's not actually a teacher, he's really a lesbian cowgirl slaughterhouse worker. Oh wait, that was Kate. Um, OK, Toby's already released a CD of 90s Britpop Hits in Tanzania and he's been disqualified. He only has three days to live. WHAT IS IT?

"After many many hours of soul searching and many sleepless nights I';ve decided to withdraw form the competition tonight," he says.

A noise that sounds like 1200 cats being squashed at once emanates from the audience. And while there may actually be some cats stuck under the seating scaffolding, I'm assuming the noise is actually people squealing with disappointment.

"I'm not sure if I want a career as a singer," he continues, while Sabrina sits at home throwing whatever she can reach at the TV.

"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MEEEEE!"

Even Marcia - who has forgotten to take off her Pippi Longstocking costume from last night's Halloween party - is shocked.

"I am shocked."

He craps on a bit about being real with himself and stepping aside to allow the other contestants to prosper as young Australian artists, while Dicko sits back smugly thinking "I said you'd be better as a teacher, didn't I?"

"Hello, Telstra? I'd like a refund on the 775 text messages I sent to keep Toby Moulton in Australian Idol, please."

While this is all very MOMENTOUS and exciting, Toby does go on a bit. When he starts rabbiting on about being "an older Aussie bloke who decided to step up and give it a go" and apologising for leaving his fans "downhearted", I long for a fast forward button. Come on Tobes, if you're leaving, GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE.

"This has been the most amazing experience of my life, and I now know who I am - I'M A TEACHER," he says triumphantly.

"Now on to multiplication - and this is how many records I would have sold if I'd won."

Everyone gives him a standing ovation, proving that the only things that can earn you a touchdown on Idol these days are being Liza Minnelli, or being a teacher. Who knew?

"To my schoolkids, I've taught you all to just have a go, especially at things you're passionate about," he continues, in what feels like the 53rd minute of his farewell monologue. He neglects to mention he's also just taught them all the valuable lesson of QUITTING when things get tough. Thanks, Mr Moulton!

He goes on for another 20 minutes or so about what a great time he had and how he's a teacher, and he loves his job blah blah blah, yeah whatever Toby - we all know the real reason you're ditching out on the show is because NOUGHTIES NIGHT would have forced you to sing something outside of 1994.

OK let's all move on - can we kick someone else out tonight as well? Sadly it appears not, although Ken Doll rather cruelly reveals that had Toby not stepped aside, it would have been JAMES' turn to leave.

Even Jesus knows this is an epic facepalm moment.

James tries to conjure up some tears of gratitude but can't quite care enough to be successful.

Then we watch a massive package on Toby - sadly not featuring Toby's massive package - then everyone stands up and applauds again, then Ken Doll says something else about how great Toby is, then Dicko asks him why he made the decision and Toby starts crapping on about Balmoral Beach... ENOUGH ALREADY! It's been 15 whole minutes, can we move on yet? Christ, this bloke's having more farewells than Nellie Melba.

Finally he leaves, and Benjoel comes on and WE FINALLY GET INTO SOME GOD DAMN SINGING with NATHAN, who has chosen to sing Ne-Yo, who I think is one of those r&b dudes that sounds like a ringtone. This should be good.

In a nutshell:

• "When you sing a song like this, women have to know that you're not coming over to talk about their boyfriend," says Benjoel during rehearsal.
  
  "Yep," says Nathan, while secretly thinking :(



• "I just want to see him man up a little bit," says Benjoel, echoing the thoughts of Nathan's girlfriend back home.



• Nathan clearly went to the same Halloween party Marcia did last night, as he's come dressed as Stan.
  
  
  Praise god, ay bro!



• Despite this being a ringtoney r&b song with a techno backing track, it is bloody awesome and Nathan is the greatest thing in the world. Until he tries to lead the audience in a handclap and completely misses the rhythm. Tim the whitest barista in the world claps along in sympathy at home.



• Dicko says there wasn't enough "lower body action" going on. Not sure exactly what he had in mind, but this comment is disturbingly similar to the others he's given Nathan over the last few weeks... Dicko, are you lonely? Nathan responds by doing some dirty grinding dance moves - which the camerman completely misses. Brilliant.



• Marcia says it was dynamite. Jay Dee takes a sip from a small bottle labelled "drink me" and says it was good, it was crap, it was great but it was a bad song, it was sexy, it was flat, it was the wrong song, and he knocked it out the park.
  
  
  Work THAT one out, bitches.
• 
  
  
• Benjoel makes things considerably more interesting by revealing that Nathan's biggest aspiration is to become a male Kelly Clarkson. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BRING BENJOEL ON? PROMOTE THEM IMMEDIATELY. Nathan looks crushed, as though they had all been playing "If you had to be a girl, who would you be?" backstage and he revealed the Kelly thing to them in confidence.
  
  
  All he ever wanted...

And if Toby's potentially Oscar winning monologue about being a teacher wasn't enough education-themed padding for you, here's some more - meet Mr Whoever He Is, a teacher from some school somewhere who won a special concert with Dean Geyer. He's a Christian, Dean's a Christian, the whole school is Christian, so I'm guessing it was a really hardcore concert.

Apparently Mr Whoever won this special treat through a scratch card he got at KFC.

No kidding.

"Have you been on the treadmill lately?" yells Jay Dee.

Meanwhile, I think KFC should be applauded for motivating people to eat healthy - if eating a burger can win you a private concert from Dean Geyer, I'd probably opt for a salad.

As it turns out, the concert also features the Idols, and a shitload of product placement. I'm sure the parents of students at Whatever The Fuck Christian College are happy to know their kids spent half the day on the oval having a South African man yelling at them about KFC while five strangers sing Queen in the background

Toby would never let that happen in his school.

"Not on my watch."

Moving on to JAMES who is living up to his lesser nickname of "Mini John Mayer" by doing John Mayer's Daughters. Yawn. OK, wake me up when Benjoel starts talking again.

"The beauty is, if you make it big in Australia, you can make it anywhere else in the world," says Benjoel, who clearly hasn't passed this piece of wisdom on to Powderfinger, Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham... basically everyone who's not ACDC.

And lo, the Benjoel spake again:

"It's totally fine to be 18."

It certainly is.

So, James in a nutshell:

• James sits on a stool flanked by two Alex Perry lookalikes and sings like your dad. If your dad sounds like a slightly distorted Michael Buble.



• He keeps going.



• He sings a bit more.



• Raoul heads into the kitchen, makes a cup of tea. Comes back, James is still singing.



• This is going longer than Toby's farewell speech.



• OK, so he sounds quite good. But GOD, I'M SO BORED I CAN BARELY STAND IT. STAND UP AND DANCE, OR YELL OR FALL OVER OR PUNCH SOMEONE OR GOD DAMMIT JUST DO ANYTHING.



• Marcia advises James to keep his youth. OH MARCIA, IF ONLY WE COULD. Jay Dee says even though he told James last week to do John Mayer, he didn't mean THAT song, DUH! And also it was opposite day that day, so he actually meant DON'T do John Mayer, DUH! Benjoel says James has potential, but neglects to finish its sentence with "to be kicked out next week". Meanwhile, Dicko says James looks like a frightened marsupial.
  
  
  You know, he's right - James really does look like a marsupial.

Ken Doll proudly announces that not one contestant has picked a song by Hinder, Nickelback or Creed, blithely ignoring the fact that This is How You Remind Me is one of the best ever songs to sing... well, ever. Sure, people might not like LISTENING to it, but who said we liked John Mayer either?

Over to STAN who is singing Let me Love You by Mario, who I think might be Ne-Yo's second cousin. But I secretly hope he means THIS Mario:

Have you ever seen them in the same room together?

As it turns out, he doesn't. Instead, it's another one of those ringtoney r&b songs that I hate, but Jay Dee seems to love.

ALL UP IN DIS CLUB, AIGHT.

"Damn, damn damn damn damn," says Jay Dee.

"Stan, Stan Stan Stan Stan," he continues. Can anyone join in here? Man, man man man! Ham, ham ham ham!

Then he gives him six out of 10 for doing the remix instead of the original. Hands up who knew it was the remix? Hands up who's even heard the original? Right, moving on.

The Benjoel says it likes Stan's swagger. ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE BENJOEL. Dicko says it was like r&b night at the local RSL. THEY HAVE THOSE? If they did, this choir would surely do a sellout tour:

Marcia says bugger all, leaving Ken Doll and Stan to fill for two minutes - so they reminisce about Toby. BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT FUCKING TOBY TONIGHT.

Finally it's over to HAYLEY who's channelling her inner fat lesbian to do The Gossip's Heavy Cross, a song that three quarters of the audience won't know and the remainder won't like. Good for her.

Even though it looks like she's wearing school shoes and an old denim jacket that someone has attacked with a Bedazzler, she looks completely hot. She sounds pretty good too, except for those high notes. DON'T TRY TO GET HIGH, HAYLEY.

"I can't believe you're only 17," says the Benjoel, who is possibly wondering what age constitutes "legal" in Australia.

Meanwhile, Dicko says Hayley got swamped by Beth Ditto's undies - they must have been cotton, because she didn't suffocate. Marcia says nothing of importance. Jay Dee says he likes to listen to that song after a hard day of banging. Or something. Then everyone gets to watch a once in a lifetime event - Jay Dee's brain slowly exploding on live television.

"You didn't quite reach those dizzy heights tonight, you pulled it off, it was a great song choice, where you're landing, where I want to see you going, but what are you doing with your hand," he garbles, before launching into a full blown monkey impression.

Hayley's reaction says it all.

"Ooh-ooh aah-ahh!" shrieks Jay Dee, waving his hand around. Did he take the brown acid or what?

"Don't do that," snaps Marcia, who is obviously well acquainted with side effects such as this.

"Don't do what?" he guffaws.

"Just keep that out of it," she snaps.

"I'm just having a conversation, OK, OK, I'll just talk to Hayley then, because that's what I'm gnnggggg," he rambles.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? IS MY TELEVISION DRUNK?

Marcia starts giving Jay Dee a lecture as we move along to NATHAN for round two, who's doing some song by Daniel Merriweather that isn't Mark Ronson's version of Stop Me so I don't care about it.

He sits on a stool, he sings a song competently, I am bored. It sounds like something out of The Lion King. God dammit, what is WRONG with these Idols? When is someone going to come out here and sing a massive anthem and blow the roof off? STOP DICKING AROUND WITH BALLADS AND ALBUM TRACKS.

"I feel like from the little bit we've gotten to hang out, you know, you're a nice guy and you know, I like you," says the Benjoel.

Sophie Monk is TOTES jealous.

Dicko says Nathan's top end isn't as good as Daniel Merriweather's. I'm not sure if I agree with this or not, but I think we can all be thankful he's not saying anything about Nathan's bottom end. But then Marcia ruins everything by thanking him for showing himself. Sigh. And I thought we'd be innuendo free in this segment.

"If you want to get behind Nathan, Australia, just pick up the phone," says Ken Doll.

Ooooh!

Moving on to JAMES for round two (great, because round one was so electrifying), who's defying my Santana/Rob Thomas prediction by simply doing Rob Thomas' This is How a Heart Breaks. Hmph. Well, I'm half right.

I have nothing to say about this performance, except that James wears a white jacket with lots of buttons on it.

Dicko opens his book of Idol Judges' Techniques for Critiquing a Particularly Bad Performance Without Being Too Nasty, turns to page 35 and says "Do YOU think you did a good job?" Then he says something about musical foreplay, which forces me to run to the laundry to grab a bucket so I missed what everyone else said. Oh well.

Back to STAN, who's now doing The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Miley fucking Cyrus? Is he serious? What sayeth the Benjoel?

"It takes balls to sing Miley Cyrus."

Indeed.

OK, so I haven't heard this song before, but Stan makes it sound like a cross between something from a Disney film and something blissed-out people would sing at Hillsong. It's one of those INSPIRATIONAL songs that you'd expect to be sold with a motivational poster folded up inside the CD cover. It's crap, basically. But you know - it's Stan, and Stan could sing the phone book and sound good. Maybe he should try that next week.

Marcia says she's lost for words, but then finds one downthe back of the couch - "sublime". For about the 357th time this season, Jay Dee says "I've got nothing to say but..." and then says something boring.

"From the minute I met you dude, I liked you," says the Benjoel.

Now who's jealous?

Dicko says he can't wait until Stan does the Nikki Webster medley next week, and the silicon chip inside Stan's brain gets switched to overload - all of a sudden he looks like an angry clubber about to punch a bouncer. Fortunately the moment passes, and he starts laughing again. Is our Stan... mentally unstable?

Let's ponder this as Idol thoughtfully provides us with some more padding, this time featuring people talking about juvenile cancer, and Guy Sebastian singing his crap new song. Sorry Guy, I do love you (and your massive guns) but you know that song is shit.

Anyway, over to HAYLEY for the final performance of the night -something from Fall Out Boy, ie: that other group of dudes who wear pork pie hats and wear eyeliner. It's possibly a worry when you can be out-glammed by a bloke, but it's fair to say that Pete Wentz looks more rock and roll when he wakes up in the morning than Hayley does right now - jeans, non descript shoes and a black T shirt. When oh WHEN are we going to have another gold dress moment on Idol? As for the performance - yeah, you know.

Jay Dee criticises Hayley for not crowd surfing, but says everything else was bloody amazing, and please wil you be my friend cos you're SO cool Hayley oh please, I'll give you my lunch money and everything...

"There's nothing hotter than a chick that brings the rock," says Dicko, who has clearly been sitting next to the Benjoel for too long as he's started to talk in fortune cookie format.

And that's it - apart from a final performance by the Benjoel which, frankly, isn't half as entertaining as its comments from the judging panel all night. Male Kelly Clarkson? Gold.

See you next week, when we get down to the final three. Bye James.

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 5 - Idol's Choice Night

Editor's Note: This recap is extremely late, and for this, my dear readers, I apologise. In fact I've gone one better than that - this morning I fashioned a switch out of hickory sticks and I beat myself with it for exactly seven hours as punishment for being so reckless with my recaps. I do hope this somewhat makes up for my lack of attentiveness. Now, read on, and expext the Final 4 recap later on today...

Just for something different on tonight's Idol, the theme is CONTESTANT'S CHOICE NIGHT. At last - the Idols get a bit of freedom to choose what they want to sing instead of being restricted by such limiting themes as STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT (ie: any song ever featured in a musical or film at any stage in history ever) and ROCK NIGHT (ie: anything with guitar and drums in it).

But there's a twist - apparently the Idol's song choices tonight are supposed to "reflect them as artists" and show the sort of music they want to produce if they win. If only the recently self-confessed alcoholic and bisexual Kim Cooper was still on the show, we could have expected some Lindsay Lohan covers.

"ALCOHOLIC BISEXUAL? I AM NOT BISEXUAL!"

On to the group performance which tonight is some song I've never heard of. It's all quite entertaining until about half way through when the doors at the back of the stage slide open and Kate steps out. Damn, I forgot she was still there. Plus there are the following irritations:

1. Stan is back wearing a hoodie again. What happened to the vest manifesto?

2. Nathan appears to have dyed his hair with some Napro Live Colour wash-in rinse in shade #666 - Emo Pain.

3. Hayley is dragging the 80s kicking and screaming back to TV by wearing the most unfortunate pair of jeans I've ever seen. Held together by the seams, they're covered in so many holes and rips they are practically begging to be euthanased.

Meanwhile over at the judging desk, Marcia's neck is being attacked by a large aquatic animal.

They called it Flipper, Flipper...

We'll check in with her later and see who wins the fight.

Back on stage and Ken Doll is reminiscing about last week when he got to share drugs with Liza Minnelli via osmosis.

"I think we all learned something from having her here," says Ken Doll.

Lesson one: Don't do drugs.

"OK the results are in everybody," says Ken Doll, getting out his special Idol envelope.

"...and Australia has decided that Liza Minnelli is a tired old hag," finishes Raoul.

As it turns out that's NOT what is written inside the envelope - rather that KATE, STAN and JAMES are in the bottom three.

Wait a minute... STAN? WHAT THE HELL?

Don't worry,it's all a ploy for ratings. Obviously he'll be sent back fir... JAMES IS SAFE? What the? DON'T YOU MEAN STAN? CLEARLY YOU READ IT WRONG, KEN DOLL.

It's down to Stan and the cowgirl. I can't watch. OK that's it - if Kate stays over Stan, I am boycotting the rest of the series in protest.

"Can we watch a movie instead if it's Stan?" says Raoul, who is eyeing off a Werner Herzog DVD. Film snob.

"The Australian Idol dream is over for you... Kate Cook," says Ken Doll.

Hooray! My prediction from the last seven weeks finally comes true!

Stan walks off crying like a big hoodie-wearing baby, while Kate turns to the side, spits and wipes her nose on her sleeve. But not before this intimate moment is captured on screen:

The love that dare not speak its name.

"So now we have to say goodbye to one of the most amazing performers we've seen on this program in years," says Ken Doll. What? Stan IS leaving? Oh wait, he's still talking about Kate.

"I love youse all so much, ay. Oym prahhd to be an Oztrayan," she slags, before being kicked off the stage and back into obscurity. Have fun Kate, watch you don't trip on that tumbleweed on your way out.

Over to Ricki Lee, who's looking slightly distracted - possibly because she's inadvertently picking up Indian public access television direct to her head via the biggest pair of earrings you've ever seen.

"And now to the weather today in Delhi..."

Given those suckers look like they weigh about 3kg each, I hope this means we can expect to see Optus sponsoring Ricki Lee's stretched earlobes next week like this:

"My earlobes get large every time I recharge - yow!"

Anyway, on to the performances which tonight starts with JAMES. But first, a montage - as every Idol has gone home to visit their families this week, and they've decided to film it in the misguided impression that anyone is interested. So we see Mini Zoolander going home to the rest of the Zoolander family for a visit, where is he welcomed by some chopped celery and supermarket bought dips in plastic tubs and some ham and cheese sandwiches. HIS HOME LIFE IS SO GLAMOROUS ALREADY, WHY ON EARTH DOES HE WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY?

James sings Mercy by Duffy, otherwise known as that song on that tampon ad. Given he's surrounded by big red swirling clouds during three quarters of the performance, this isn't really working for me. Plus it starts with an exceptionally 80s saxophone intro, which makes the whole thing feel a bit like a deleted scene from Chances (probably deleted for its distinct lack of nudity). Couple all of that with James' stiff Kel-Knight-esque dancing and you've got a distinctly awkward package.

"Why won't you release me," he sings. Next week, James. Next week.

"He's got ME begging for mercy," snarls Raoul, who is still staring intently at his DVD.

Dicko says James smiles too much. Maybe he could threaten to drown a puppy and help him change that? Marcia says "As long as you're not singing about someone shooting your grandmother, sing with a smile on your face." Backstage, Stan looks at his song choice for next week, Nanna Pumped Full O' Lead, and makes a mental note not to smile. Jay Dee channels Barbara Walters and starts probing James with deep questions, like "Do you really want to win this competition?" and "Do you think I'm cool?". Fortunately Marcia butts in with a game of eye spy she's playing against herself in her own head (NB: she's winning) by saying James looks like something that starts with a "W".

Sometimes these jokes just write themselves.

Moving on to TOBY, who is continuing his meteoric rise from "good looking single teacher" to "sexy superhero snag who regularly sings to children, rescues puppies and wants to meet your mum" by going back to his country hometown, leaning on a few watertanks, hugging a few nannas and crying.

"Grow a dick," shouts Raoul.

"I think about the kids especially every day and I really miss being here," he says, while simultaneously adopting an orphaned kitten and untangling a dolphin from some fishing line.

Toby may well be Australia's perfect bachelor, but he also happens to be stuck in 1996 - a characteristic he demonstrates for the 500th time tonigh by singing Oasis' Don't Look Back in Anger. I have no idea how he sounded, because Raoul and I were too busy reliving our own personal 1996, very loudly. But I was somewhat impressed by Toby's use of "singting" ie: sing acting, by bugging out his eyes and pointing at people when singing the chorus.

Don't look back in anger - JUST LOOK CRAZY.

Marcia says from a mother's point of view, most mothers can only hope they get a teacher like Toby to take care of their kids. And from a single mother's point of view, most can only hope Toby appears at their house one day with a single red rose, a Tickle-Me-Elmo and a tool belt and offers to make love to them, fix the leaky kitchen sink and be the new father of their children.

Jay Dee says "The gloves are off - we're where we are", which is almost a haiku, or a Doors lyrics, I can't quite work out which. Then he picks a fight with Marcia by misquoting her, which leads to an entirely boring exchange about whether she said "son" or "teacher", and Dicko wraps up by saying Toby is too clean cut.

Clean cut LIKE A FOX.

Charging ahead to NATHAN, who instead of going back to what everyone knows is his real home (ie: underneath a pile of feather boas in the spare dressing room at the Theatre Royal) disappoints everyone by outing himself as a bogan complete with staffy, concrete backyard and single mother. He then achieves Solid Gold Bogan status when the local mayor announces Nathan is an official Ambassador for Parramatta.

"You, me, carpark. NOW."

He's singing Maroon 5's Makes Me Wonder. As tonight's song choice is supposed to reflect Nathan's direction as an artist, this makes ME wonder what kind of artist chooses to sing Maroon 5. He's compounded the boredom factor tonight by wearing a really dull outfit - the official Idol uniform of black shirt and tight jeans (extra points for not wearing a vest though). He does make up for it somewhat with his colourful "oh no you didn't" facial expressions, but his voice is wavery and his pitch is all over the place - he's singing like a five year old who's just been told they're been too naughty to have any ice cream, and they're being sent to bed early.

"I wake up with blood-shot eyes, struggled to memorize the way it felt between your thighs..."
(Inappropriate?)

Jay Dee says it was a good song choice, and congratulates Nathan on "putting himself into a nice comfortable box". THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING - ZING! Dicko says it was too pitchy, and Marcia agrees with him. SEE, THERE REALLY IS A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

On to HAYLEY, who goes back home to give an impromptu performance outside her local fish and chip shop to an audience of about 10 people, six of whom have no idea who she is.

"It means heaps that you guys have fully just come," she says in that eloquent fashion we've come to know and love from Hayley.

Tonight she's singing Somebody Told Me by The Killers. If only somebody told her about THOSE HORRIFIC JEANS, which she's still insisting on wearing. The high notes are proving a problem, so she runs around extra fast and jumps up and down a bit more to make up for it. It doesn't really work.

"Somebody told me that that was abysmal," sings Raoul when she's finished.

Either the judges have all been sharing whatever drugs fell out of Liza Minnelli's purse and onto the floor last week, or the Idol studio is an amazing, magical place where everything sounds a lot better, because everyone goes crazy for Hayley's clearly crap performance. Obviously things look a lot better in the studio as well, because Dicko says Idol has never had anyone as cool as Hayley in seven years. This is despite the fact that she just spent approximately four minutes jumping around like an out of breath toddler at a Wiggles concert, squinting and yelling in the absence of being able to reach the high notes. Also, I'd like to remind you of this:

SO THIS GUY'S NOT COOL ANYMORE? WASABIIII!

"I could watch you all night," Dicko says, but forgets to finish his sentence with "on the hidden webcam I've installed in your hotel room".

Marcia adds some well needed critique to the debate by saying "you go girl". Thanks, Marcia. Jay Dee says it could have been a little bit more electrifying. But by how many more volts?

I reckon about this many.

Moving along to STAN who goes back to Coolangatta where they're already advertising his job at the mall. So if he doesn't win Idol he's going to have to try the Westfield one suburb over.

Then we meet the 500 members of his big, loving family, which is rather a new spin on the "I had a horrific childhood" story he's been dishing out until now. What is this, rent-a-family? IS THIS A COVER UP?

Who cares, he's singing Hallelujah, which (under special a Bland Canyon loophole) allows me to do this:

Yes, yes, it's Cohen, I know. I SAID THERE WAS A LOOPHOLE.

Clearly Stan has been taking voice lessons from sex phone operators this week, because he sounds like Carlotta with laryngitis. It's quite an achievement to turn a beautiful, spiritual hymn into something lewd but somehow Stan manages to make David "pleasing the lord" sound rather obscene.

Fortunately at some point Stan hits a key change, takes a left turn and ends up in Touchdown City. The ghost of Holden almost falls out of the rafters in excitement.

NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS AWAY FREOM ME - TOUCHDOWN!

The ghost of Kyle says nothing, having buggered off to play Wii with Brian McFadden.

Over at the judges' desk, Marcia's having palpitations (although whether that's from the brilliance of Stan's performance or the funny pink pills from the floor, we're not sure). Even the seaweed around her neck is giving him a standing ovation. Dicko dusts off his Idol calculator, does a few sums and says Stan's performance was 90 per cent awesome. And nine per cent "meh" and one per cent weird, what with the flying purple elephants hovering around his head all the time. Note to judges - LEAVE LIZA'S PILLS ALONE. Jay Dee says "I'm about to become the most unpopular person in the room", forgetting that he is in fact ALREADY the most unpopular person in the room.

Back over to JAMES (will this madness never end?). He's clearly suffered a severe brain spasm backstage and forgotten that he's a cute, clean cut 18 year old who actually looks 12, and mistaken himself for a rough, sweaty, sex god. Which explains why he thinks he can sing Kings of Leon's Use Somebody.

Spot the difference.

He's strapped on a guitar for effect - unfortunately the effect is more Bryan Adams does Kings of Leon. Or maybe The Osmonds. As soon as he sings "I've been running around" Raoul silently stands up, picks up his DVD, and walks out of the room. You can only push a man so much.

Cue the judges' criticism about the song being too sexy for James in 3... 2... 1...

"Caleb is so sexy behind the microphone - and that was a cup of tea behind the microphone," says Jay Dee.

BINGO!

Dicko says it should have been acoustic all the way through. Yeah, unplugged! Unplug the microphone too! Marcia gives James props for light and shade - presumably a lamp and a garden umbrella.

Next up is TOBY, doing something completely left field and out of his usual range with Politik by Coldplay.

"For the love of Britpop, leave us all the fuck alone, would ya?"

Once again, Toby's "stage presence" amounts to him creeping about the stage pointing at people and staring angrily at them. I'm not surprised he's angry - this is a shite song to choose for a finale. Not even Coldplay would finish a gig on this song.

Dicko says it was "terrific, committed and wonderful" - which, coincidentally, is the exact headline Cleo Magazine is planning on using for Toby's Bachelor of the Year entry in 2010. Marcia calls it "mighty fine" - which, strangely enough, is Cleo's second choice of headline. Jay Dee says he doesn't get him, but admits he doesn't get a lot in life. Like renewed contracts on television shows.

Over to NATHAN again for Mad World. I fear he may have taken the song's title a bit too literally, given that he appears to be wearing a bed sheet underneath a leather jacket. Apart from that though, it's a bloody good performance - my inner Paris Hilton is screaming "THAT'S HOTT!". It's definitely the performance of the night so far.

Dicko's inner Paris Hilton agrees, saying it was truly excellent, awesome, excellent. Marcia says she's glad Nathan resurrected himself.

"And for my next trick..."

Jay Dee resembles something starting with a "W" by referring to himself in the third person, saying "The mean one's smiling, yay!". Since when is Jay Dee "the mean one"? I thought he was the unecessary one. Or the boring one. Or the irritating one.

Then there's HAYLEY whose gone Stone Cold Sober with a song by Paloma Faith, otherwise known as Gabriella Duffy Winehouse. I'm sufficiently distracted by her shiny black leggings for enough of the performance to miss most of it, but I think I can safely say it was quite good - despite a distinct lack of Pink.

Clearly as bored by this whole thing as I am by now, Dicko says "bloody great, love" and leaves it at that. Marcia says Idol has turned into the Hayley Warner show. If that means she can now sack Jay Dee, I'm pro this development. Jay "the mean one" Dee does some more name dropping by saying his boss had dinner with Paloma recently. Everyone struggles to care.

And we move on to the final performance of the night...

PRAISE BE!

...STAN who will no doubt bring it on home and have people pounding the floor and swinging from the rafters with a completely awesome rendition of... Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Seriously - AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH? Of ALL the songs he could have chosen, he goes for this lame soundtrack-filler? STAN, I AM LOSING FAITH IN YOU.

Added to the crap song choice, he's out of breath, missing out words and dancing like your dad at Christmas. Stan, what the hell have you done?

"Ain't no mountain high enough," he sings.

"The only mountain here is the steaming pile of poo that Stan's just pulled out," yells Raoul from the next room. I concur.

Back at pill-popping central, Marcia says it's an old standard, and Stan breathed new life into it. I think what she meant to say was that she has low standards, so Stan's performance was OK. Jay Dee gives Stan a Sandilands-style backhander by asking if he's still using the treadmill. I think this means STAN IS FAT. Dicko says it's a terrific way to end the night. I concur, as long as you're talking about a hen's night, at a cheap karaoke bar, after six bottles of fruity lexia.

And there you have it. A whole week late, BUT WASN'T IT WORTH IT?

NO!

See you in NOUGHTIES WEEK, when Stan will (hopefully) sing more Beyonce, Hayley will (hopefully) sing more Pink, Toby will (hopefully) not sing more Coldplay and James will sing something from the year of his birth.

Just like Christmas...

...it's coming.


SO CALM DOWN.

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 6 - Stage & Screen Night

Welcome to Idol's first ever STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT, the night that pretends to honour Broadway musicals but instead turns out to be a celebration of pop songs that have appeared on the soundtracks of straight-to-DVD movies. So really it's more of an AND SCREEN NIGHT.

And who better to pretend to honour Broadway in front of than the diva herself, LIZA MINNELLI?

"If you were shitting in a theatre chair and you were looking at this performance, what would you want to see?" asks Liza.

Cleaners running towards me with mops and buckets, I think. And someone with a spare pair of pants.

Meanwhile, as all the other Idols are busy looking at each other going "Who the f*ck is Liza Minnelli?", Nathan's inner puppy dog looks like this:

For even more realism, imagine the keyboard as a piano keyboard.

And then in a scene reminiscent of the last time your grandma had too much sherry at Christmas lunch and started singing show tunes, Liza comes racing out onto the stage in a black sequinned sack and starts belting out Cabaret.

The tween audience is thrilled.

"Who let nanna out the home again?"

Now look - I'm no gay man, but I love Liza. I love that she's a wild-eyed, screeching, stomping, sequin-clad hot mess who looks like she's taken more drugs than Keith Richards - and that's just in the last 24 hours. But even I'll admit that this performance was RUBBISH. She sounded like a drunk yelling to the neighbours after locking herself out of her apartment building at three in the morning.

"HEY JOE, LEMME IN - I LOST MY KEYS AGAIN!"

Not only that, but she seemed obssessed with looking around behind her all the time - maybe she was expecting the nursing home staff with a big net and straight jacket at any second.

Of course, she gets a standing ovation anyway, because it is international law punishable by firing squad that Liza Minnelli must always get a standing ovation for Cabaret.

Then she pashes Ken Doll on the lips and flounces off - clearly whatever she's imbibed in the last 24 hours makes its way relatively quickly into G's bloodstream, as he starts waving to the judges and prattling on nonsenically.

I AM NOT TWEAKING.

Over to the bottom three, which tonight is HAYELY, KIM and KATE. Well this is a no brainer - goodbye cowgirl! Oh for f... are you serious? SHE GOT THROUGH? HOW FAR CAN ONE GIRL GET ON SO LITTLE TALENT? Could it be possible that Idol's resident rock chick will be kicked out tonight? (well, that's what you get for singing Tainted Love WITHOUT ONCE SINGING THE CHORUS, YOU PRANNY.)

But no, it's little Kimmy Cooper who gets the arse. Fare the well, blondie - you couldn't sing but you knew how to accessorise. The worst part of all of this of course is that it suggests Jay Dee's comments actually hold some weight with Idol viewers.

Backstage two crew members hoist Liza onto a sack truck and roll her out for round two with Ken Doll, which involves this sparkling piece of repartee:

KEN DOLL: Tell me Liza, after your shows do you rouge your knees and roll your stockings down?

LIZA: WHAT?

KEN DOLL: And all that jazz? No?

LIZA: Wha.. do I WHO?

KEN DOLL: Exactly.

Of course, the correct response from Liza should have been "No I don't, because as everyone knows that's CHICAGO not CABARET, YOU MORON."

Andrew G proves his heterosexuality once and for all.

First up tonight is TOBY with Queen's Somebody to Love. Is this like, the 15th Queen song we've seen on the show this far? Whatever happened to Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston? I haven't used my counters in ages.

"Why the hell ain't no one singin' my shit no mo'?"

Liza leads him through a rehearsal in which she helpfully tells him he's like a stunned mullet that somebody hit with a wet towel. Maybe she's not so out of touch after all.

At this point I'd like to remind you that tonight is STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT. Of course, some idiot turned the songs of Queen into a Broadway musical, which somehow makes Toby's song choice legal.

My new counter, for tonight's show only.

So anyway, Toby sounds pretty good - but once again he just strolls around the stage pointing at people. MEMO TO TOBY: remember this guy?

He actually DID stuff on stage.

You can't just stand there looking awkward and singing pretty and looking very very gorgeous indeed and... er... ahem. Anyway you can't just stand there and expect to win this thing, Toby. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FELLOW SOUTH AUSTRALIANS.

Dicko tells Toby he has to sell his body to win. Well, that would probably score him more votes. Marcia says it was incredibly gay. Oh wait, GAME. Sorry, I thought for a minute she might have been talking about Jay Dee's shirt.

Ooooh, suit YOU sir!

Liza says something about kittens and rainbows and pass the gin please, and Jay Dee says he has nothing negative to say. Which makes a nice change from every other week when he has nothing at all to say.

Moving on to STAN, who's chosen The Circle of Life from The Lion King.

Here's what I think of that song choice.

I mean seriously, The Circle of Life? LAME. Fortunately he hasn't dressed up in a faux fur headdress - instead he's opted for an ill fitting Ed Harry suit and T shirt. Actually, I'm not sure whether that's any better. So yeah, look, it's a passable performance. I mean, it's a good performance - if you're into the Lion King. So if we can all get into our Deloreans and travel back to the early 90s when people actually liked Hakuna Mutata, Stan will be fine.

Marcia says she got chills - although that could just be the air conditioning. Liza says she could have used a little more body movement in her belief system. And also a little more gin in her martini. Jay Dee says "THIS GUY'S A STAR!" and still fails to get the crowd excited. Dicko says "Hakuna Mutata", so clearly his Delorean is still running fine.

Next up is KATE with Son of a Preacher Man.

Liza hits the rehearsal room to give Kate some much needed advice on how to sing the song.

"Look - Billy Ray was a girl. She was a PREACHER'S SON," slurs Liza, while Kate nods and smiles, wondering how she missed the whole transexual subplot of the song on first reading.

In a nutshell:

• Clearly it was 50 per cent off at Ed Harry this weekend as, like Stan, Kate is dressed in an oversized black suit and matching hat. Actually, the hat is slightly more oversized than the suit is.



• Even with the new girl-boy subtext, Kate singing about "the only boy who could ever thrill me" is still cause for nudging and winking at my place.
  
  "The only one who could ever thrill me was a girl with a singlet on," sings Raoul.



• Liza says "You rock me, you knock me out, kick more butt. And get me some more gin."



• Jay Dee says something about how he's nearing the end of his club nights. Maybe if you changed your shirt they'd let you in more?



• Dicko criticises Kate for turning the song into cabaret, seemingly unaware that the world's bigest cabaret star is one metre to his right, and also THAT IT'S STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT, ISN'T CABARET THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT?



• "There's nothing here to be frightened of, we're here to love you," says Marcia, which would seem to be enough cause for fright in itself.

Moving along to HAYLEY who is singing Powderfinger's These Days.

Is she serious?

Apparently it was in some Australian film at some point. Yeah great, whatever. I mean, what is the point of this theme? It might as well be "sing whatever the hell you want night".

Nutshell:

• She's not wearing a black jacket for once which is a nice change, although she is wearing a dirty big wooden cross. So either she's worried about vampires, or she's been spending way too much time backstage with churchy Stan and she's finally joined Hillsong. In which case, she should really be singing something from Jesus Christ Superstar. Actually, that would have been sweet.



• Strangely enough - this is terrible. I mean really, really awful. This might be the first time I've seen Hayley be this underwhelming. Oh well, at least she's managing to sing the chorus this time.



• Jay Dee says it didn't get out of first gear. For the first time ever, I agree with Jay Dee.
  
  
  Meanwhile - if anyone sees these four horsemen, can they let me know?



• Dicko says it was benign and needed more spikes. Kind of like the exact opposite to Liza's pre-show drink.



• Marcia says 45 seconds wasn't enough time for her to do the song justice. This may be the only time I've ever agreed with Marcia too. (Can I hear hooves in the distance?)



• "Is that the song you sang in front of me before? Oh that's another one? Then I'm gonna wait for that one," says Liza, in what is obviously the best quote of the series so far.

Next up is JAMES with the first fully proper authentic Broadway song of the night - You'll Never Walk Alone from Carousel.

Hooray for Broadway!

Sadly that's where my excitement ends for James. He wears a black suit. He yells a bit. His hair is fuzzy. That's all I have to say.

Dicko says he doesn't want to pee on everyone's bonfire but James doesn't have the life experience to sing that song. Meanwhile, there's a strange smell in the air - like charred wood and asparagus. Marcia says she was still, he was still, and singers don't have monkeys on their backs. Then she passes the empty pill bottle back to Liza under the desk. Liza says James made her believe he was the age he was, and the way he looked, and that he believed what he was saying, and GOD DAMMIT WHERE'S MY GIN? Jay Dee says "the kid I was ribbing six weeks ago blew my socks off". No one is sure if he's talking about James or just confessing to what he got up to on the weekend.

Moving right along to NATHAN, Idol's resident theatre geek who will no doubt throw on some ears and a tail and do Rum Tum Tugger from Cats, or put on a stackhat and some rollerblades and give us the theme song to Starlight Express... or Thriller. He could just do Thriller.


Hmph.

With just 45 seconds to deliver, and with animated bats flapping in the background, and the fact that you know, IT'S FRIGGING MICHAEL JACKSON, this performance certainly tempts the fail gods.

"Cos this is bullshiiiit, bullshit yeah!" sings Raoul, stuffing himself with rocky road.

Actually I think it's rather good - I'm starting to rather love Nathan. But seriously, it's stage and screen night - WHERE IS MY LLOYD WEBBER?

Marcia says it was incredibly exciting, although she might still be referring to those pills Liza gave her earlier. Liza says it was "gangbusters", which is a word I encourage everyone to use at least once this week in their daily lives, such as:


"Gee, this coffee is gangbusters!"


"Say team, this strategy report is gangbusters!"


"Yo, check our gang - it's gangbusters!"

Jay Dee thanks Nathan for cutting his hair (he's offering haircuts to the Idol crew now? Is Nathan SURE he has a girlfriend?) and Dicko says he's travelling well.

Next on the block is... hang on, what the? TOBY? We've already seen him! WHADDYA MEAN THEY'RE DOING TWO SONGS EACH?

This is me right about now.

Right so, OK, it's TOBY again with Radiohead's Exit Music from a Film. Apparently this was in some Baz Luhrmannn film. I think you know what that means.

Sigh.

"Get over your Radiohead obssession, dickhead," spits Raoul. I concur.

Marcia says "I love radio HEAD!" Not sure what that is - is it different from TV head? Liza says it was really sexy. And also, is that gin on the way? Jay Dee asks if Toby wants to be Radiohead, to which Toby replies that's where God wants him to be. What the? Have all the Idols turned churchy over the last seven days? AND WHAT KIND OF GOD WANTS ANYONE TO BE RADIOHEAD?

I mean seriously, look at the frontman.

"I'd love to see things from Jay Dee's point of view but I can't get my head that far up my own arse," snarks Dicko.

"Not even with all that Jenny Craig?" snaps Jay Dee.

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

"Can you sort this out Liza?" interrupts Ken Doll

"Yes. Speaking of Joey... er..." stutters Liza, proving that in fact no, she can't.

Back on the block is STAN with We Will Rock You. Ie: Queen. AGAIN.

Won't somebody bring the theatrics?

As expected, it's very r&b meets rock. It's quite good. But you know, it's Queen. I AM SO OVER QUEEN ALREADY.

"We will, we will rock you," sings Stan.

"Fuck you stick it right up you!" finishes Raoul triumphantly. See how Liza likes THAT version.

Jay Dee gives his usual enlightening commentary by saying "Band - wow". Also: "Food - good" and "Marcia - pretty". Dicko calls the song ghetto fabulous, despite Queen songs having absolutely nothing to do with the ghetto ever. Liza says it was a powerhouse. Marcia says something else, I dunno - I can barely remember my own name anymore this show's been going on so long.

KATE gets up again, sings something called Make You Feel My Love, which apparently was written by Bob Dylan, but was on one his albums post 1966 which means I don't care about it.

"I blue myself."

Kate is... you know, Kate. I can't even be bothered with this girl anymore. She wears a hat and a big old belt buckle and sings a song. Whatever. The judges have clearly all been lulled into a dream state as well - either that, or they've all beensharing Liza's pills - as Dicko says it was captivating, Marcia says it made her want to embrace her, Liza says it was really good and Jay De says he can see a beautiful energy. Someone light some incense and let's get this shit over with.

HAYLEY hits the stage next with Oh What a Night, which is apparently allowable because it's in new musical Jersey Boys.

Jersey Boys my arse.

Hayley's performance in four words: bongoes, strings, not bad.

Just for something different, Marcia says she's always loved that song and it's one of her favourites. Liza says Hayley's shyness is touching. Also, could someone do something about that two tonne pink tarantula dangling from the ceiling above her head, it's casting a shadow. Jay Dee says Hayley shouldn't experiment, unlike everyone on the judging panel this evening. Dicko's pills kick in and for a second he thinks he's on Celebrity Masterchef, saying the song didn't have much sugar, but it had heat and some sour tones. It probably would have gone well with a nice cold sauvignon blanc.

JAMES is back with Crazy Little Thing Called Love, otherwise known as a song that would have gone down better last week. Also:

I'm getting angry now.

So apparently this song featured in 2006 film Failure to Launch. Remember that smash hit? Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker playing romantic leads - what could possibly go wrong with that concept?

"I hate this song," spits Raoul.

Me too. I also hate James' stupid black suit with the white piping round the edge, and his faux Elvis accent, and the over enthusiastic brass in the band... I HATE IT ALL. WHEN WILL THIS SHOW BE OVER?

Liza says he could have used more intention. JUST LIKE SHE COULD USE SOME MORE GIN IN HER GOD DAMN MARTINI, IS NO ONE LISTENING?? Jay Dee reaches into the deepest recesses of his critical brain, and says "On the flat bits it was a little flat". He truly is a wordsmith. Dicko says it's all there, he just needs to put it together - like an Ikea bookcase.

Out now.

And finally, we bring it on home with a proper theatrical finale befitting a celebration of the stage - NATHAN with Music of the Night from Phantom.

"I want you to think of something absolutely glorious from one night in your life," says Liza during rehearsals.

"Slowly, gently," sings Nathan, making me wonder just what glorious night he's re imagining...

I think maybe the time he French polished his mum's antique sideboard.

He's no Michael Crawford, but he does a tidy job of a big song in a small space of time. OMG, is Nathan my new favourite?

"That was slamming and in the pocket," says Raoul.

"He's still in those fat pants though."

I concur.

Jay Dee says Nathan brought the fire. Everyone nods and smiles and pretends to know what he means. Liza says "Let's go for a walk!", then realises she's still on a live TV show and contiunues anyway.

"I wanted to walk with you and I wasn't afraid," she says. You know you've made it when you can sing to Liza Minnelli and not scare the shit out of her.

"You look so mature, as if you could have taken me or Liza by the hand wherever you wanted to take us," gushes Marcia, while thousands of viewers around the country reach for their Inappropriate Flirting Buckets to spew into.

And lo, so endeth Stage and Screen Night. Thank god for that. Anything last words, Liza?

"Huh? I thought it was ageing cream night!"

Exactly.

Australian Idol 09 Wrap Up: The Final 7 - Big Band Night

In the words of Ken Doll: tonight is going to be big, it's going to be loud...

No, it's not Casey Donovan night...

...IT'S BIG BAND NIGHT! What better way to rope in that crucial 13 to 25 demographic than with a heap of old fogey music that only mums and dads listen to?

I know, how about bringing in a MASSIVE STAR - HARRY CONNICK JR!

"Harry Potter who?"

Look kids, he was big in the 90s, OK? And for the record - Mr Jr is looking so hot right now, despite being the ripe old age of 42. At any rate, this should be fun - the last time Harry Connick Jr was asked to be a talent judge on Australian TV everything went fine, didn't it?

Not looking quite as hot - in fact, looking rather a lot like Mr Sheen - is James Morrison, who has kindly elected to blow his trumpet on stage tonight and, as we shall find out later, give some of THE BEST CRITIQUES IDOL HAS EVER SEEN. Can we replace Jay Dee with Jay Em?

And after poncing about on stage for five minutes to I Just Whispered Your Name with the other Idolites, Ol' Shark Eyes aka SCOTT Newnham is booted off the show, thanks to the voting public finally realising that Australia needs bricks laid more than it does another shitty R&B record.

Ken Doll introduces Mr Sexbomb Jr and asks him what advice he can give to the Idolites.

Maybe avoid doing any Al Jolson numbers for a start...

First on the block tonight is KATE, who's extra pumped about performing because she misheard the producers and thinks it's actually "Big Hat" night.

Kate describes singing in front of a big band as like being "in front of a Mack truck pushing you down the road". Hmm. Can that be arranged?

Kate takes Ray Charles' Hit the Road Jack and force feeds it Valium, then whomps it on the head and drags it around the stage a few times for what feels like AN ETERNITY. I'm just about to pass out from boredom when she runs over to the band, waves her arms around in the air and shouts something like "AHHHANGONAMINUDDISTOOSLOWSSTOOSLOWSPEEDIDUPABIDWOULDYA", prompting everyone to take a hit of meth and resume the song at 20 times the speed. The result sounds like a 1980s boombox chewing up your mum's favourite Motown tape.

"Even I can see this chick won't win!"

Then she finishes with a resounding "GO ARN MATE, GET OUTTA HERE!", which is how I imagine Steve Irwin would have done it had he been a Ray Charles impersonator instead of a wildlife warrior. It's all very Rooty Hill RSL - here's hoping there'll be a chook raffle later.

Dicko says she kept it in her own area, Marcia congratulates the band and Harry says "I'd pay a lot of money to see that" but forgets to finish his sentence with "go far, far away and never come back". Jay Dee, who tonight is dressed by the good people at GLAD...

He's Super Tuff!

...says "keep doing it". Let's count how many times he says something similar tonight, shall we?

Next up is STAN, who proves he is indeed "the man" by electing to sing Beyonce's Single Ladies.

On big band night.

HALLELUJAH!

Truly Stan, you are a genius. This is definitely in keeping with my "everybody needs to do more Beyonce" call of Week One.

Right about now it's time for my weekly reminder of this:

I CALLED THIS DURING AUDITIONS, PEOPLE.

In a nutshell:

• Stan sings Beyonce on Big Band Night. This makes Stan the winner of the world.



• "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it," spits Stan, before popping his hip and slapping his own butt. STAN = WINNER.



• Even Harry is hypnotised by Stan's awesomeness:
  
  
  Woh-oh-ohhh.
• 
  
  
• Stan heads out into the audience and sings at a few people who immediately spontaneously combust in the face of such bodaciousness, then does some amazing wobbly leg dancing and some fairly ordinary scatting, gets back on stage and finishes with some fabbo Beyoncified moves. OUT-STAN-DING. I officially put a ring on Stan.



• The crowd goes mental. Marcia says something... Actually, I have no idea what. Honestly, I tried to summarise it in a sentence and I drew a blank. Who knows what she said. But she liked it. The Connick reminds everyone for the 500th time that he's from New Orleans by saying something about New Orleans, Jay Dee manages to simultaneously compliment Stan and make everyone feel slightly dirty by sluring something about eating ice cream at midnight, and Dicko uses my most hated cheap gag ever by saying "A little bit of wee came out when you did that". CAN WE ALL STOP USING THE "A LITTLE BIT OF WEE CAME OUT" JOKE PLEASE? IT IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS JUST GROSS, AND IT REMINDS ME OF CAL WILSON. AND NO ONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF CAL WILSON. Then again, Dicko follows that statement up with asking Stan to "do it in his undies" so maybe it wasn't actually a joke.
  
  
  It was a slippery slope from Jenny Craig down...

Next up is little KIM.

Sadly for Raoul, not THIS Lil Kim.

From the looks of the rehearsal footage, Kim seemingly kicked off her session with James Morrison by grabbing the side of her head and shouting "SHUT UP!", which is quite coincidental as that's the exact same reaction I have whenever Kim comes on screen.

She's chosen The Man I Love and sings it the way everyone on the face of the earth knows it to be sung, which apparently is WRONG and if you sing it like that JAMES MORRISON WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS TRUMPET. But instead of smashing Kim over the head with a brass instrument he just tut-tuts and craps on about reading the sheet music and learning the melody and how Kim won't accept criticism and she's tense and defiant AND A LITTLE SO-AND-SO UPSTART WHO WOULDN'T KNOW JAZZ IF IT CRAWLED UP HER NOSE AND FARTED ON HER BRAIN.

And from that inglorious intro we segue into Kim's performance. She looks absolutely luscious in a little black and white frock, diamond drop earrings and a sweet 20s water wave bob but it's like Morrison's put the kaibosh on her - she's flat and out of tune, and bounces between sounding tired and shouty. It's not a good mix.

The Connick says Kim did an OK job, especially considering she's only 21 and it's really hard to sing big band at 21 and... oh hang on...

"That's right, I was 21 when I made this best selling soundtrack album! Silly me, I forgot."

"Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone... Kim Cooper. Hmm," says Jay Dee helpfully, presumably to remind everyone that Kim is not yet a mega famous internationally respected jazz singer who is also dead.

"Do you want to be a singer or do you want to be a celebrity?" he continues, in what might be the first HANG ON - WTF? moment of the 2009 Idol season.

GASP!

"For one I'm really offended that you would even ask me that, I'm here to be an artist," snaps Kim, putting the smackdown on Jay Dee.

"When you turned up to the auditions six months ago did you turn up to sing? Because I heard you'd turned up to bring one of your friends along," counters Jay Dee.

GASP.

"I've always wanted to be an artist, I've never been in doubt about that," Kim snaps back.

"Well you pulled off a performance, so you know, keep getting there," slags Jay Dee.

"That's fine, Jay Dee," snaps Kim.

This girl's face says it all, really.

WTF just went on there? That was more like some weird lovers' tiff than a performance critique. Best move on to Dicko Depends - he says she looks sizzling but the vocals were dreary. Oh dear. Poor little Kimmy Cooper. Never mind, Marcia will say something nice and/or indecipherable, that'll fix it.

"You had some terrible pitch problems tonight," she says.

Sigh.

Ken Doll whips out a copy of Marcia's new self help book and reads a paragraph about loving yourself WITHOUT A SINGLE HINT OF IRONY. What the hell is going on around here?

True dat.

Moving right along to JAMES aka Mini Zoolander aka Ben Stiller who shrunk in the wash, who's chosen to do that completely original and totally not overdone standard, Fever.

"I've chosen this song because I want to show Dicko that I'm not just a little kid, I'm a... I'm a... a MAN," says James, although it's hard to hear him with his voice cracking like that.

"If I had a girlfriend she'd kill me!"

"He's determined to get away from that image of the kid and being a cutie and you know, OK, that's his call," scoffs Morrison, and you can almost hear him choking on his own derision.

Then he advises James to think of a hot girl in a bikini while he sings - James suggests Miranda Kerr. Oh dear, I hope he's not wearing those tight pants again this week or things could get even more awkward than that Jay Dee/Kim face off.

In a nutshell:

• James goes Bond, walking on in silhouette snapping his fingers. You half expect Shirley Bassey to start wailing while Miranda Kerr actually walks out in a gold bikini toting a pistol. It's... it's kinda hot, actually.



• Despite looking approximately eight years old, James is completely convincing as a swing king - the suit looks great, his voice has the right amount of croon, and the whole thing is way more cool than anyone could have expected. Close your eyes and you could be listening to someone twice his age. ONYA JAMES, I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.



• Could I be starting to LIKE James? Humph.



• Jay Dee says he looks like a James Bond action figure, Dicko calls him "Baby Buble", Marcia says "get on wit your bad little self" and The Connick tries to throw a chair at him. Overall, a good reaction.

Moving along to HAYLEY who is attempting to out-awesome Stan tonight with a Big Band version of Tainted Love.

THERE'S SO MUCH AWESOMENESS TONIGHT MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

"I was a bit intimidated because there were like, 30 people with massive instruments just staring at me," she says at her first rehearsal.

Funnily enough, the star of this movie said EXACTLY the same thing on day one of filming.

In a nutshell:

• Hayley has obviously joined Black Jacket, White T Shirt and Tight Black Jeans Anonymous (BJWTSATBJA) as she's ditched the black jacket for a fetching maroon one (who am I kidding, maroon is never fetching). She's clearly only up to step one of the 12 step program though, as she's still wearing a white T shirt and tight black jeans. Baby steps Hayley, baby steps.



• Actually Hayley, I take it all back. Go back to the black jacket. This one makes you look like a valet.
  
  
  Hayley Valet isn't a bad stage name, actually.



• Hayley proves her mastery of tenses leaves something to be desired, singing "Once I run to you, now I run from you". It's RAN, Hayley. RAN.



• In a feat many thought impossible, Hayley manages to sing the whole of Tainted Love without once singing the chorus. You know, the bit that goes "tainted love, woah-oh tainted love, oh-oh tainted love..." It's the hook. Otherwise known as "the best bit of the whole song", "the bit that everyone loves" and "how can you possibly sing Tainted Love without singing the fucking chorus, are you serious, what's wrong with you?"



• Ughhh this is ACTUALLY frustrating to listen to. Every time she gets close to the chorus she stops and sings something else, or goes over to the band and starts clicking her fingers. "SING THE FUCKING CHORUS!" Raoul and I shriek as we start climbing the walls in desperation.



• Dicko says the arrangement didn't really work because she lost some of the hooks. YOU THINK? Marcia says on the planet she was sitting on, Hayley's performance was slamming. Also on her planet, the fountains run with tea and kittens come in vending machines. The Connick says Hayley looked desperate and betrayed. So... that's positive... I guess. Dicko makes a joke about Hey, Hey It's Saturday, The Connick looks uncomfortable on Australian television for the second time in a week, and we move on to Jay Dee who criticises her coat. Thanks for coming, Jay Dee.

Next up is NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake, who should take to Big Band like a drag queen to chicken fillets and sparkly eyeshadow. He's doing It Don't Mean a Thing If it Ain't Got that Swing. Hmm. I kind of hate this song. But I kind of love Nathan, so it should even out.

Without further ado, the nutshell:

• He starts with his now patented intense-stare-with-slight-lip-curl-and-squint that he introduced last week. It's quite effective. Dean Geyer, you have taught this grasshopper well.



• Nathan sounds awesome, apart from when he's going "doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa-doo-wa". Unfortunately, he has to do that every third line.



• On the plus side, he swooshes about the stage like a pro and his thighs look much less womanly in a suit. The whole thing is kind of like Glee meets Michael Buble crossed with a dash of Liza Minelli and a twist of "FAAAABULOUS DAHLING".



• Marcia calls him "boyfriend", The Connick says it was awful (he might have corrected this afterwards but I probably missed that) and Dicko cals it "performance of the night". Jay Dee tells him to cut his hair, to which Nathan replies "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY."
  
  
  Is it just me, or is there a touch of Ja'ime about Nathan?

And it's on to our final performer for the night, TOBY with a really fresh, cool song that isn't at all tainted by the booze-soaked memories of the thousands of bad karaoke singers that have come before - My Way.

This is generally what you think of when anyone other than Frank Sinatra proposes to sing My Way.

Apparently this song is a big deal for Toby, because he's been doubting himself lately and wondering which path to take, and the pressure of Idol has been getting to him and OH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING THE KARAOKE SONG, WOULD YOU?

If you missed Toby's performance, just remember the last time your drunk workmate sang it at three o'clock in the morning that time after one too many pints and a bitch about the boss. It's just like that. Except (and I'm making assumptions about your workmate here, but) Toby is better looking.

The Connick says Toby looks like James Bond and did a fantastic job. Jay Dee said "vocally, you sang that". Thanks, Jay Dee. Dicko says Toby sang it like an introverted school teacher. THAT'LL SELL RECORDS: INTROVERTED SCHOOL TEACHER SINGS THE HITS! Marcia says the band was "fantastically outstanding" and Toby's suit is sharp, but neglects to say anything about Toby's actual performance. Oh well. Then Toby reveals that his housemates have moved all his stuff out of his house and he's basically homeless, to which everyone laughs. HA HA, TOBY'S HOMELESS! HE DID IT HIS WAY!

Then The Connick sings a song, everyone holds hands and smiles and the show is finally over. Thank god. How can there be fewer and fewer people every week and yet it seems to run longer and longer...

And just when you thought Idol couldn't get any gayer, Ken Doll announces Liza Minelli is guest judge next week.

"OH MY GOD NATHAN AND LIZA IN THE ONE SHOW??!"

See you then, biatches. I reckon it's Kim and Toby on the chopping block next week - but I haven't predicted one loser yet, so don't listen to me.