The Daters recaps

Six young Aussies navigate the real life rocky road to love - and we poke fun at them.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season six recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Beverly Hills 90210 GIF recaps

Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly and... the others revived in glorious GIF form.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 7: Is John in Love?

Last week on The Daters we watched as Aussie John, who is not only the most Australian bloke ever but is so emotionally hard and unmoveable people often mistake him for Uluru, went uncharacteristically giddy over a girl.

This week we ponder the question: IS JOHN IN LOVE?


We kick off at the radio station where Burgo works (EDIT: damn, life moves fast), where he's busy organising something called the "Tinderella Ball" - some sort of hideous promotional event where single listeners can get together and drink cheap booze and ignore each other to spend the night flicking through Tinder, probably.

"Oh wait... I thought you said 'Spinderella'."

Next thing you know we're at the ball and it is PUMPING. Bright young things are swanning around in short skirts, awkward looking blokes in Myer men's department T-shirts are standing around with shifty eyes, and Burgo is counting down the minutes until he can go home.

It's also really great to see they've opened up the event to non-straight singles as well.

Like these two ladies, who seem to be really hitting it off.

Aussie John is also there, as is a disembodied voice who asks him whether he has spotted any attractive women yet. (Perhaps it is the voice of his heart, longing to be set free on a sea of emotion.)

"Yeah," he says hesitantly.

"Oh look ALL ladies are good looking like, come on, let's be fair."

Even Morrissey doesn't believe that one.

Joining him are Johnny, who is pointedly ignoring everyone in leggings, and Anna, who is trying out a new move she learned at the "How To Impress A Guy From Across The Dancefloor" one day course at the WEA:

Just to clarify: no, she's not saying "wristy".
I don't think.

 And also Courteney:


John starts talking yet again about his amazing date with the hot chick that ticked his box that we spent all of last episode vaguely hearing about.

"I put myself out there and told her that I really, really like her, so I don't know if I've cooked my own duck," he says, displaying either a very weird understanding of modern dating rituals, or a very tenuous grasp of the English language.

Don't even ask about making sauces.

Suddenly the floor begins to tremble, the walls start shaking, the lights flicker, and without warning a sound unlike anything anyone has ever heard before fills the room...

It's Courtney, talking.

I'm not sure what she said, I was too busy checking all the appliances in my house trying to work out what the noise was.

Anyway it's still unclear what John has or hasn't done to his duck, but what is obvious is that he's still clinging to the idea of being Mr Single.

"If this girl had entered my life 12 months down the line, I'd have a girlfriend right now, I wouldn't be here," he says, revealing what appears to be a very sophisticated understanding of Parallel Universe Theory.

"But John, if we travel forward to 2015 and get you that girlfriend, when we go back in time to the Tinderella Ball... YOU WON'T EVEN BE THERE."
"Can't we just go back to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance?"

"Every time I think about her, I get a little bit of pep," he continues.

"Did someone call us?"

Suddenly there's another momentous occasion to celebrate: WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO SEE JOHN GO ON A DATE.

Yes, it only took seven episodes, but "The Daters" has finally got some footage of an actual date. Someone crack the champagne. No wait, don't. It's the ABC, they can't afford it.

So off we go to John's house where he is busy ironing a shirt for the big night.

"You don't often see plumbers ironing shirts, but I don't want to look like a scrubber," he says.

ALL T, ALL SHADE.

Next thing you know we're at a fancy restaurant, meeting the object of John's affections. She is good looking, smart, straight talking - a complete catch. He seems genuinely smitten.

Luckily all this niceness is broken up by lots of accidental innuendo over the dessert, such as John sticking his spoon into a souffle and gasping "it's still warm!" followed by her exclaiming "you know you just want to scoop it all up!"

She declares him one of the best dates she's had. He declares her "faultless" and "perfect" and that he "really, really likes her".

Then says he's not ready for a relationship.

Thanks for playing, everyone.

Join me next week when Courteney progresses to stage two of her character development: talking for longer than five seconds.

Or go back and READ EPISODE SIX again.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 6: John Changes His Tune

Has anyone else noticed how every week this show starts with a woman howling "ow ow ow OWWWWW"? Has she stubbed her toe or something? Or is that the noise you make when you accidentally swipe right on Tinder when you should have swiped left?

In this case forget swiping, just throw your phone away altogether.


Anyway it's time to check in with Aussie John, who as you may remember from way back in episode two, is a footloose and fancy free kinda guy who's not remotely interested in serious dating or "the L word".

Burgo's not interested in the L word either, it's just that in his case the L word is "laundry".

Given this episode is titled "John changes his tune" I can only assume he is about to meet the woman of his dreams who reduces him to a pile of blubbering hormones and makes him want to propose immediately. 

Either that, or it's a scintillating 10 minute look at his recent foray into singing lessons. Or it's a typo, and the episode is actually about the time he changed his punctured bicycle tyre tube.

Assuming it's the first, she must be a hell of a girl, because under John's many stringent relationship restrictions (no attachment, no emotions, no girlfriends, no dating) it's kind of hard to understand how any female fits in without some sort of payment changing hands.

"To be honest, I wouldn't mind, you know, having a couple of people to, you know, sort of, you know, 'spoon at night' if you want to put it like that," he explains, making everything even less clear.

Like these couple of guys, John? They spoon at night, during the day, whenever.

Sooz asks John what he would do if he met a girl he really liked. Would he let the relationship go further, or would he call it off?

"I will clearly state that if it does get to a point where either party are thinking 'shit where's this going?'... like, I think we do have to have the conversation," he says.

"It's not the best conversation to have but it's necessary for you to outline your intentions and for her to outline her intentions as well."

An important conversation to have.

Despite all this, John has somehow managed to get a girl to agree to go on a date with him, about which he is "super excited".

"This chick ticks a lot of boxes for me. She's attractive... Well, she's not attractive, she's hot. I'm really looking forward to it," he says.

She ticks all of John's boxes.

As usual we don't get to see the chick or the date, because this is a show called "The Daters" and blah blah grumble grumble whatever.

Instead we get to see John go on a man date with Burgo and Johnny. It's a Saturday night in the city, and everyone is out to have a good time - stylish couples walking hand in hand, sharp dressed bartenders shaking cocktails in the neon-lit windows of trendy bars, and this girl in an alleyway taking the concept of the "selfie" to an epic new level:

For the most effective selfies, be sure to a hire a photographer to tag along with you.

On the way, in the back of the cab, John tells the lads about the hot chick who ticked his box, or whatever.

"It was one of the best dates I've ever been on," he tells them.

"Did you shag her?" asks Johnny, who is immediately handed his 2014 Gentleman of the Year award.

John says he did not, but that they'd had "a great kiss", the conversation flowed and "she took the piss out of me", which is probably better than her taking the conversation out of him while the piss flowed.

"I could really, really date this girl and I'd be as happy as a pig in shit," he says, and is immediately invited to be president of the Rostrum Association for Eloquent Speakers. He puts the application form in his pocket for later consideration.

"I've never felt this in my life before about someone that I've only just met. I certainly didn't see this coming, but it has and I don't know what to do," he says.

You want to know what to do, John? GO OUT WITH YOUR MATES TO A CLUB WITH A STRIPPER POLE INSIDE AND DO THIS, OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

Absolutely, 100% the best way to pick up women. Chicks dig groups of blokes slugging shots.

Unfortunately however, it seems the only other people who want to go to a club with a stripper pole in it are single men. SURPRISE.

"It's like a man sausage sizzle in here," says John.

"It's fucken Dick Fest 2014," spits Johnny, with more venom than you would expect for someone who might actually buy tickets to an event called Dick Fest 2014.

They leave the bar and progress to lesson two in "How to impress women": drunkenly shouting and imitating strippers in the street. This move is apparently called "the slutdrop":

"Ha ha, yeah lady strippers are totes like that! Showing their... boobs... and stuff..." - Johnny

It's quite clear that by this stage John is completely paro, so when he admits to camera that he is now "eating his words" over shunning relationships, it would probably be better for everyone if he actually just ate a kebab.

"When a chick comes into your life, and you... she... literally takes your breath away... you can't ignore that," he says.

Yes, if someone LITERALLY takes your breath away, that really IS hard to ignore.

Now go on and READ EPISODE SEVEN when we find out if John is actually in love, and we get a special guest appearance by the back of Courteney's head! (Not the front though. That would be a violation of her contract.)

Can't wait.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 5: Sooz's First Date

This week's episode kicks off with our Daters talking to camera about dates they've gone on. Just for something different. (Look, if it's thrills and spills you're after, you've got the wrong show. They could only afford one dramatic scene this season and they blew that budget on Burgo's car crash in episode two.)


Sooz is quite enthused about a bloke she met a few weeks ago who was "lovely and cute and funny and interesting"...

"We had a good pash," she says.

But then he didn't call for two weeks. Hence this face.

Suddenly an ad for Australia's Most Wanted comes on - looks like it'll be a super creepy episode about a serial killer who torments his victims with YouTube videos shot in hyper close-up and... Hang on, I thought they didn't have ads on the ABC?

Oh, it's just Burgo.

It's Burgo's "date vlog", in which he details his latest romantic escapade. And he makes sure to point out his date was "with a girl", just in case you were wondering whether the bloke who wears crumpled shirts and thongs to fancy restaurants was gay.

His date apparently involved going out for dessert ("which I love") and going for a walk on the beach ("which I hate").

Meanwhile, the only reason Burgo is on this show is because he misheard the producers' request for a "daily date vlog".

Aussie John makes a brief appearance to say he went on a date that "was not overly good" (thanks for painting us a word picture, mate) and then Courtney shows up for her allotted 11 seconds of screen time, which the producers make sure she doesn't exceed by sticking a timer in the corner.

I don't know what she said, I was too busy trying to remember who she was.

Back to Burgo, who is still moaning about having had to walk along a beach instead of being carried by rickshaw or midgets on rollerskates.

"Who does exercise on a date, really?" he sighs.

These people are practically Olympic athletes in Burgo's world.

But enough of all of that - this episode belongs to Sooz (I know this, because it's in the title), and she's explaining her single predicament.

"As a 33-year-old woman I think I need to be OK with the idea of being by myself, on the off chance that I actually don't find somebody I can spend the rest of my life with," she says, in between shots of her punching the living shit out of her gym trainer.

"WHY. WON'T YOU. TEXT ME. BACK. YOU MOTHERFU..."


Evidently the punching bag voodoo works, as "Good Pash" Jack finally gets in touch to ask Sooz out on a date, a proposition to which she responds quite strongly:

Always a good sign.

We don't actually get to see their date (what do you think this is, a show called "The Daters" or something?).

Instead we're treated to a time lapse video of a soy latte being drunk which, to be fair, is still more interesting than anything Courtney's done so far.

Fortunately we're spared a bad re-enactment a la episode four; instead Sooz breaks it down for us post-date, gushing about Jack who is "so funny and so interesting and such a gentleman and just charming and really sexy".

I put those exact words into Google and this was the first thing that came up so... I guess Google has lower standards than Sooz.

Anyway she's all set to go on another date with Good Pash Jack the Dream Man from Fantasytonia when she's struck down with flu and condemned to bed. It took five episodes, but we finally got one of our Daters into bed. Hooray!

Now go on and READ EPISODE SIX when Aussie John goes on a date (no, really?) and Courtney battles for screen time against a banana smoothie.

Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE FOUR again.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 4: Johnny and Anna Date Online

Hey girls and boys, let's start this week's recap with a fun game!


See if you can work out what Johnny and Anna are talking about from these two out-of-context quotes that kick off the episode:

    JOHNNY: "Everybody is on it, so it makes dating in your pocket!"

    ANNA: "As soon as I did it, I think I sat there for about two hours just going 'nope, nope, nope'!"

Are they talking about:

    a) New pocket-sized sex toy "the jackrabbit";

    b) Viagra; or

    c) Dating app Tinder?
If you picked C, you're right. Also you're boring and a bit of a know-it-all. (Meanwhile, I continue to wait for the episode about the jackrabbit).

Yes, we have once again turned to the pastime du jour of today's disaffected single youth: listlessly shopping for a root on one's smartphone. Tinder is the way everyone meets now; young people don't go out to bars looking for a shag anymore. Well OK, they do, it's just that when they get there everybody's on Tinder.

DO U LYK HOTDOGS?
*swipes left*

Resident gay Johnny admits he has been "kind of addicted" to Tinder, while glamazon Anna has been less involved, doing a bit of flirting but not going on any actual dates yet. This is possibly because she looks like a slapper in her profile photo - at least according to Johnny, who takes one look and gasps: "That looks like a girl going to HQ!"

Non Adelaideans should note that HQ is the sort of nightclub where one might drink Jaegerbombs while dancing to Jason Derulo and wondering how to get the DJ to notice your lower back tattoo.

Despite what this picture shows, do not expect to find takeaway coffee at HQ, you will be disappointed.

Burgo agrees that Anna's photos are not up to scratch, declaring her "better in real life" - unlike the device he bought online from Japan that one time.

However fellow lady daters Sooz and Courteney think Anna's photos are "cute".

It's the classic male/female divide on aesthetics. It's a fairly complicated dichotomy, let me break it down for you:

What women think is cute.


What men think is cute.


What women think is cute.


What men think is cute.


What women think is cute.


What men think is cute.

What women think is cute.

What men think is cute.

"Are you trying to pick up women, or are you trying to pick up men?" asks Johnny, who it has to be said is not really an authority on either activity.

"Do we think Anna needs to show off some 'assets' in this Tinder profile?" asks Burgo, to a resounding "no" from all those in the room without a Y chromosome.

"Every time I've had cleavage in it, everyone's like 'nice tits, blah blah blah'," says Anna regretfully.

FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.
(I think we can all agree though this is still better than "do you like hotdogs?")

Sooz advocates a strict "no tits" rule on Tinder and Anna agrees, resolving not to reveal her "girls" until the first date.

Just which lucky man will get to meet all three of them is yet to be determined, as Anna and Johnny get together for a Tinder flick-through.

"No. No. No. No. No. No," Anna says as they swipe through every single straight man in Adelaide.

"Nope - I've been on a date with that one and he wouldn't actually let me get out of the car," she continues.

He looks shocked, but the only thing stopping Johnny from pulling the same move is the fact that he doesn't have a car.

Anna tells Johnny she's looking for blokes aged 28 to 36. He looks at her like she's just said she's keen to date Rolf Harris.

"I reckon you should drop it down to like, 25. There are some really fit, tall lads who could be into you and are completely developed in their careers," he reasons.

"I don't know if that's what I'm looking for. I'm about personal development," she says.

"Personal? You mean like, his dick?"

Anyway Anna obviously finds someone worth swiping right for, as the next thing we know she's telling us all about her "Tinder date". Well actually she doesn't tell us anything, save for the fact that 24 hours later she hasn't heard a peep out of him.

"I haven't had a message today so I guess it makes you start to question yourself and wonder whether you're good enough," she says.

It's sad that Anna's first conclusion in this situation is that the bloke thinks she's not good enough rather than, say, that his thumbs were sliced off in a freak farming accident. Some people just lack imagination.

In the meantime Johnny has also been on a Tinder date, with someone he tenderly refers to as "boring as fuck guy". Oooh, I hope this story has a happy ending!

"He's just one of those guys you can't imagine having sex with ANYBODY," Johnny tells his mates at the pub.

I'm picturing this.

To give us a better idea of how terrible the date was, Johnny tells his friend to do an impression of "boring as fuck guy".

"Sit there and tell me about your fucking mortgage and your home loan and fucking mundane shit," Johnny instructs, oblivious to the fact that it would be easier for all concerned if HE was the one doing the reenactment, given he is the only one in the room who has actually met the person in question.

Undeterred, Johnny's friend does an impression of "Man with Mortgage", in which he laments his home loan repayments of $200 a week.

Never has it been more evident that this show is about people under 30.

"Oh darling, we might have to cut back on the champagne now we have that $800 a month mortgage to pay off, ha ha ha!"
"Wait, wasn't this house like $600,000?"

Unimpressed by fiscal conversation, Johnny sums up the whole thing in two words: "dud date".

Meanwhile, Anna has caved in and sent her AWOL Tinder paramour a text message. Just something short and friendly asking how he is, where he is, why he hasn't gotten in touch, why his parents never taught him any fucking manners, etc. etc.

"He just wrote back 'all good'," she says.

"Yeah yeah Ophelia, I said 'all good'."
FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.

So... that's that. ISN'T MODERN DATING JUST SO FUN YOU GUYS?

Anna thinks his sudden disappearance might have something to do with her refusing to go home with him after their date.

Pardon me for being old fashioned, but is this not a completely reasonable thing to do? Who are these over-privileged jerk-off man babies who just move on to the next woman if they don't get sex on the first date? Who the hell do they think they are? Where did they learn to treat people like commodities? This is the problem with Tinder you know, everyone just treats everyone else like a piece of meat and no one takes the time to actually get to know anyone, and this is why society is going to hell in a handbasket with everyone having sex over the internet like weird cyber prostitutes and one day the Prime Minister will be someone called Latisha-Jayde with hundreds of naked selfies all over Google from when they were 17 and we'll all have to pretend that's totally fine because that's what the world will be like in 2050 and...

HANG ON!

"So I ended up getting a phone call from the guy I went on a date with the other day, and we ended up going out on another date," Anna says.

So he wasn't a jerk! He was just taking his time! Hooray! The world isn't such an awful place after all! Good news for Anna,eh?

"I've kind of decided I don't think we connect too much and I don't really like him," she says.

Sigh.

Now go on and READ EPISODE FIVE, when Sooz goes on a Tinder date (yes, another one) and Courtney continues to fail to get any screen time (probably).

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE THREE again.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 3: Burgo's Set-Up Date

When we last left our daters Burgo had just been involved in a car crash on his way to a date. Which is a huge coincidence, because that's basically what the rest of his evening turns out to be.


Mutual friends have set him up on a date with a girl called Lil, so he's meeting her for dinner at a trendy city restaurant (this one to be exact). But even before the vehicular damage and mild whiplash you can tell the night's not going to go well when he decides this is the best choice of footwear to impress her:

"Chicks dig hairy toes, right?"

"I've got an ingrown toenail, and I don't care," he announces, which I sincerely hope is something he alerts Lil to at dinner. Perhaps between courses, for maximum romantic effect.

"Forsooth, I have an ingrown toenail but yea, I care not!"
FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.

"With aftershave it's crucial to get it on the back of your ear, because when people come in for a kiss that's what they smell," Burgo says, spraying on some duty free cologne in the bathroom.

Then he sprays some on his bum, so I'm not exactly sure what that means.

Burgo continues his charm offensive in the car by announcing he'll have to switch his phone off during the date in case he gets booty calls from other women.

"I'm texting two other young ladies at the moment and imagine if the phone goes off and this other person's name pops up," he says.

That would be super embarrassing.

He is is then promptly rear-ended, which isn't really an ideal way to start OR end a date, to be honest. [Insert cheap joke about Johnny here].

Either way Burgo is 18 minutes late for his dinner date with Lil, but he makes up for it with a killer opening line upon his arrival.

"I was gonna stand you up but I thought I'd come, that's why I'm late," he says.

This is the appropriate reaction to that joke.

Somehow Lil is not put off by this, tenderly touching his arm and asking if he's OK. Perhaps she thinks he's suffered brain damage.

Unfortunately touching Burgo's arm alerts her to his almost total lack of preparation for this date.

"You didn't have time to iron your shirt," she laughs.

"No it's fine, I mean, I did my hair and makeup and bought a whole new outfit but a crumpled shirt and thongs is totally fine, I'm well impressed, ha ha ha!"

"It's very important to be yourself and be straight up about who you are, and I'm disgusting and gross," Burgo says, by way of defence. In the interests of honesty, he should probably put that on his Tinder profile.

It becomes fairly obvious that, however he may feel about Lil, Burgo would much rather be at home with a Cup O' Noodles than at this trendy place.

"I don't like seafood. I don't do olives either. Or pineapple, or mushroom," he announces to the waitress, as if he's at a Pizza Hut instead of one of Adelaide's top restaurants.

She looks at him as though he were a pile of leaves that has just blown in off the street and started singing the national anthem.

"Let's just go to Hungry Jack's," he concludes sadly.

Again, this is the only appropriate reaction to that suggestion.

"He's very fussy about food," Lil admits to camera, in what is a serious contender for the 2014 Understatement of the Year awards.

"Do you like salad?" she asks him.

"Do I look like I like salad?" Burgo says.

Pay that. Points for self deprecating charm.

Somehow against all the odds, Burgo and Lil's date seems to be going pretty well. She doesn't seem to mind his crumpled shirt or ingrown toenail or refusal to eat like an adult, and he seems to find her fun and attractive.

But then this happens. Witness, if you will, the most awkward first date conversation of all time:

    BURGO: "I love a good burger."

    LIL: "Do you? What about a good hot dog?"

    BURGO: "Er... nah..."

    LIL: "Why are you looking at me like that?"

    BURGO: "Because I know you're being... sexual."

    LIL: "No. I think that's just the way you're taking it."

    *AWKARD PAUSE*

    BURGO: "Do YOU like hot dogs?"

    LIL: "Yeah I do, yeah."

    BURGO: *raised eyebrow*
Cringe.

"Can I have a chai latte? Is that embarrassing?" Burgo asks the waitress.

"It's kind of for older ladies, but that's fine," the waitress says, and Lil bursts out laughing.

At this point I reckon Lil should just cut her losses and go out with the waitress instead, she seems way more fun.

"Everyone says chai lattes are so gay," quips Burgo, but luckily Lil and the waitress are busy swapping numbers to hang out after her shift, so neither of them hears him.

After all this romantic talk about barbecue meats and the relative sexuality of after-dinner drinks, it's time for an assessment of the date.

"Lil's the kind of girl I think you can do something more with than just dinner," says Burgo,

"She would be up for a good time. Take that how you will - but she'd be up for a good time."

Like a trip to the circus? That's a good time.


Or a hot air balloon ride? Hey Burgo, you mean like this sort of good time?


Or doing a haunted house amusement park ride? That's definitely a good time!

Unfortunately for Lil though it sounds like Burgo isn't really up for a good time himself. Unless you count wallowing in your own filth as a good time.

"Going for dates is fun ... but I also really like 'come over, I'm in my trackies and I haven't showered today and I smell a little ... and we're just going to chill on the couch'," Burgo says.

"I haven't showered today and I smell a little, wanna come over and chill on the couch?"
FAMOUS FIRST DRAFTS.

I am getting the distinct feeling that the reason Burgo's only pair of footwear is thongs is because he never actually leaves the house.

Dating seems like something of an inconvenience for him, a chore to endure before you can get to the "good part" of the relationship - sitting around watching television in your trackies.

Otherwise known as "marriage".

It feels like Burgo would be happier if he could just skip all of this "getting to know you" crap and order up a girlfriend on his smartphone and have her delivered direct to his home.

Frankly I think this is an easier solution for all concerned. 
He can even choose no pineapple, olives or mushrooms.

With this in mind, and after a date comprised mostly of awkward discussions about hotdogs, it's perhaps no surprise that sparks didn't really fly between Burgo and Lil.

Burgo's final word?

"It was a fun date, she's a really fun girl. Are we in love? No. Is she super fun and would I be her friend? Yes," he says.

And Lil's final word?

This says it all, really.

Now read EPISODE THREE when Johnny goes internet dating (aka uses Grindr) and Courtney (you know, that one we've all forgotten is even on the show) does something!

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE TWO again.