RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

The other white meat

fun_picsGIRL 1: So, meet anyone cute at that fancy dress party the other night?

GIRL 2: Actually, there was one guy.. He came as SPAM.

GIRL 1: So did you sleep with him?

GIRL 2: Well I wanted to, but I didn't have a can opener.


Should you wish to buy this ridiculous getup, you can actually do so here

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Genitalia with your tea, ma'am?

misc_rantschick_stuffFor the ultimate in biscuit fanciness, there is no going past Arnott's Iced Vovo. A beautifully ornate vanilla biscuit base, topped with (or rather, bottomed with, as you have to turn it over) two lines of pink coconut icing, one delicious line of strawberry jam, all lovingly sprinkled with coconut. They're the ultimate lady biscuit.

And I don't just mean FOR ladies either...

See, this is probably a sign of growing up (or sexual frustration, I'm not sure which), but only lately have I noticed the not-so-subtle similarity between the Vovo and, er...ladies' bits.



Iced Vulva, anyone?


If it weren't for the coconut you could use it as a teaching aid in schools! Not to mention keep the staff room well stocked.

This got me thinking (well actually, it got me thinking rather a lot before I put it into my mouth, I can tell you) - do Arnott's KNOW about this? I mean, the biscuit has been around since 1906 - was pre-war sexual repression rearing its ugly head in the design of this beloved bikkie?

I can imagine the Arnott's boardroom full of men in moustaches and bowler hats looking at a design on the company blackboard with shifty eyes, murmuring "Mmmm, yes Fotheringham, lovely work...Iced VoVo did you say? Yeesss....LOVELY, really SUPER, haw haw haw!" and rubbing their hands with glee as they imagined all the society ladies dunking them in their tea...

My only question now is - where are the Iced Weenies? Or Iced Wangers? or Iced Todgers? They wouldn't be as pretty to look at, but they'd certainly be more fun to bite into.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Is big-hair-rock making a comeback? And should we be worried?

misc_rantsOk so perhaps I'm a bit out of the loop, but I've only just heard about The Darkness. Hmm, just did a Google and every single website says they're "England's most talked about band". Hey, I'm in Australia, it takes a while for news to travel, OK?

Anyway what is the deal with these guys?



Oh wait..that's not them, that's the band I'm booking for gran's birthday next month. (I just think they look so DYNAMIC! They can rock out even when they're having an epileptic fit. THAT is professionalism, folks.) Hang on...



Have I entered a time warp? What year is this? What's my name? Does electro even exist anymore? ("Yeah, we've got a moog..." "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!")

The big hair! The tight pants! The stadium-sized rock-ballads! It's like Spinal Tap never went away!

These guys are certainly rockin' it 70s style, and I'm finding myself strangely both drawn to and repelled by their high-pitched warbling, hair flicking and pelvis-thrusting. There is something a bit sexy about a man with tight pants and big hair, but then again, it's hard to get too excited about a guy who looks better in satin and uses more hair product than you.

Is late 70s prog rock making a comeback? Will there be a sharp increase in purchases of polyester bodyshirts (outside of India)? Will men grow their hair long and curly, in attempts to look like Robert Plant (but end up more like Michael Bolton pre-chop)?

SHOULDN'T WE BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS DISTURBING TREND?

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Big shoes to fill...shoes to fill...

Not me, but might as well be.
OK, how many times have you switched on Oprah or Dr Phil in the last month and then switched them off again because it was one of those shows about weight loss/carbohydrate addicts/obesity? Assuming you didn't turn her off for other reasons. Or even turn her on at all. Turning Oprah on? Let's keep going...

Extensive research by me shows at least one in three Oprah shows* are dedicated to weight - gaining weight, juggling weight, losing weight down the back of the couch and finding it again three months later. The world is seemingly obssessed with weight problems! But this is not another sob story about why fashion magazines should be banned and supermodels burned at the stake. Ok, correction: this IS a sob story. But it's not about weight. It's about feet. My BIG feet and how much I hate them.

I am a tall girl, 5'11", and lovingly referred to as "in proportion" by my mother. This means that I am a) not as slim as I could be and b) in possession of rather long limbs and appendages. By appendages I mean hands and feet. Let's not get all Miriam here... My feet are size 11 Australian (42 European), which roughly translates to REALLY FREAKING BIG everywhere else. And frankly, I'm sick of looking second-rate in the footwear department.

Oprah's so obssessed with fat cells - what about foot sizes?? Have you ever seen Oprah shedding a tear for all the poor unfortunates who can't find their size at Betts and Betts? How am I supposed to remember my spirit when my shoes are so ill-fitting I can't even remember my own name? You see, gentle reader, no one is prepared to dedicate themselves to the cause of the plus-sized foot.

UNTIL NOW.

Girls (and I know you're out there), you are not alone. I know what it's like to act my shoe size and come off more mature for it. I understand the heartache of owning a pair of boots that may very well be a snug fit but that could probably double as a spare room with en suite if the occasion arose. I can appreciate the embarrassment of being able to snorkel rather well sans flippers. And yes, I admit it - I can comfortably wear my boyfriend's shoes. That is, at those times when I actually have a boyfriend. (Foot fetishists need not apply)

Anyway all this is good and well (except maybe the bit about the en suite), but what really gets my goat is that chicks like me with size 10+ feet are COMPLETELY UNRECOGNISED BY SHOE RETAILERS!

If you are a female and happen to have feet larger than size 10 you better get used to men's sneakers because unless you're prepared to shop dawn till dusk and fight tooth and nail to find something else that's pretty much all you're going to get in my city. And forgive me for being cynical but black nubuck cross trainers are not my idea of evening wear.

For those of you lucky enough to have feet somewhere in the 6-10 size range, this is a typical conversation between me and a shoe salesgirl:

ME: Hello. I'm looking for a nice, stylish shoe in a size 11 please.
SALESGIRL: Oooh I don't think we have anything like that. We only go up to size 10, and we only get about 2 of those in anyway. It's amazing how many people ask for larger sizes!
ME: So..do you just tell them all to sod off then?
SALESGIRL: Yes well we do try our hardest to cater for the freaks, that's why we have one size 11 in these big old fawn coloured sandals that not even your grandma would wear. They'll be in the back storeroom covered with cobwebs from two seasons ago. Would you like to try those?
ME impales SALESGIRL with a shoehorn and sticks a bottle of Waproo down her throat.


Get this - when I asked for a size 11 knee high boot at a shop in the city recently the only shoe the girl could offer me was a sandal. In winter. Now, call me a troublemaker but if you can only provide one whole section of the market with a summer shoe at the beginning of winter you're hardly on top of things in the world of footwear are you?

And you can forget about those 'specialist' shoe shops for 'hard to fit feet' unless you're only in the market for a nice pair of hush puppies or gold slippers.

I AM AT MY WITS' END, GENTLE READER!!

Suggestions for ginormous-lady-foot-shodding are welcome.

*statistics may be made up

The first post.

misc_rantsI've been searching furiously for an article I wrote about shoe shopping 3 years ago and instead all the filing cabinet's come up with is a booklet of crappy stories I wrote when I was 6.

Well, I say 'crappy'. I really mean 'boring'.

Although The Mermaid was praised as "absolutely wonderful" by my prep teacher, but that probably just means it was legible.

In any case I have come up with a few disturbing themes running throughout my childhood tales of fantasy, and thought I'd share them here in the hopes that some psychology/creative writing students might pore over in their lunchbreaks and invite me in for testing and/or guest lectures.

1) The Golden River
This bit of Freudian imagery appears in several of my stories, including One Little Rabbit:

The next day rabbit went down to the golden river where all the animals drinked.


This image is continued, rather more disturbingly, in A Little Puppy:

One day Jumps [the puppy, obviously] went down to the golden river and saw a forest that was very dark.


What IS this golden river? And why is it directly adjacent a "dark forest"? Not only this, but as Jumps progresses through the forest he comes across a "tunnel that was very pretty". Venturing into the tunnel he finds a hall with "mummies for sale", runs into a glass case and gets "minor injuries".

Golden rivers? Dark forests? Pretty tunnels? Mummies for sale? MINOR injuries?

Clearly television is to blame.

2. The overusage of 'Once Upon A Time' to start a story.
Who teaches kids this crap? Aren't we over the Brothers Grimm yet? Kids shouldn't fart about with introducing characters and setting scenes, they should get straight to the action in their stories like I did in this one:

We went to Pulteney Grammar School and when I was on the bars boys looked at my bottom.


3. The absence of human characters.
All my stories appear to be about rabbits, turtles, bears and puppies. The only humans that appear are strangely twisted characters, like the man who grows a puppy from a flower in A Little Puppy, the voyeuristic passers by in The Frog In A Mushroom and the gardener called Tom whose sister is a lifeguard.

Santa does make an appearance in one story, but he ends up being invited by a bear into a cave for coffee and "having a lovely time", so I'm not sure that can be strictly counted as normal.

Apart from these 3 weirdities I have also noticed that my efficient and well meaning teacher (read: stifling literary repressor) has helpfully 'corrected' some passages of this tome, most notably in A Little Puppy. Of course, when I say 'helpfully corrected' I actually mean 'brutally rewritten'.

In a particularly gripping scene set in the casualty ward (Jumps, you may recall, has minor injuries), Jumps the puppy hears a strange noise under his bed. Cue ensuing commotion, and nursing staff attendance:

Just then Jumps heard the nurse running to his room. Jumps fled and pretended that he was asleep. The nurse ran into the room and said "Right, everybody asleep!" and ran out again.


Now here, my teacher 'corrected' the word fled to screamed and yelled. Excuse me, but what the hell dictionary was she consulting? Firstly - fleeing can be done in silence and does NOT require any sort of vocal outburst as she seems to imply; secondly - why would Jumps scream and yell if he was then going to pretend to be asleep? The woman clearly misunderstood the whole subtext of this piece. Luckily, my original words are still legible, so it is not an entire loss to the literary world. The London Muesum has already been in contact, so please - no more begging for me to put the book up on Ebay.