misc_rantsI've been searching furiously for an article I wrote about shoe shopping 3 years ago and instead all the filing cabinet's come up with is a booklet of crappy stories I wrote when I was 6.
Well, I say 'crappy'. I really mean 'boring'.
Although The Mermaid was praised as "absolutely wonderful" by my prep teacher, but that probably just means it was legible.
In any case I have come up with a few disturbing themes running throughout my childhood tales of fantasy, and thought I'd share them here in the hopes that some psychology/creative writing students might pore over in their lunchbreaks and invite me in for testing and/or guest lectures.
1) The Golden River
This bit of Freudian imagery appears in several of my stories, including One Little Rabbit:
The next day rabbit went down to the golden river where all the animals drinked.
This image is continued, rather more disturbingly, in A Little Puppy:
One day Jumps [the puppy, obviously] went down to the golden river and saw a forest that was very dark.
What IS this golden river? And why is it directly adjacent a "dark forest"? Not only this, but as Jumps progresses through the forest he comes across a "tunnel that was very pretty". Venturing into the tunnel he finds a hall with "mummies for sale", runs into a glass case and gets "minor injuries".
Golden rivers? Dark forests? Pretty tunnels? Mummies for sale? MINOR injuries?
Clearly television is to blame.
2. The overusage of 'Once Upon A Time' to start a story.
Who teaches kids this crap? Aren't we over the Brothers Grimm yet? Kids shouldn't fart about with introducing characters and setting scenes, they should get straight to the action in their stories like I did in this one:
We went to Pulteney Grammar School and when I was on the bars boys looked at my bottom.
3. The absence of human characters.
All my stories appear to be about rabbits, turtles, bears and puppies. The only humans that appear are strangely twisted characters, like the man who grows a puppy from a flower in A Little Puppy, the voyeuristic passers by in The Frog In A Mushroom and the gardener called Tom whose sister is a lifeguard.
Santa does make an appearance in one story, but he ends up being invited by a bear into a cave for coffee and "having a lovely time", so I'm not sure that can be strictly counted as normal.
Apart from these 3 weirdities I have also noticed that my efficient and well meaning teacher (read: stifling literary repressor) has helpfully 'corrected' some passages of this tome, most notably in A Little Puppy. Of course, when I say 'helpfully corrected' I actually mean 'brutally rewritten'.
In a particularly gripping scene set in the casualty ward (Jumps, you may recall, has minor injuries), Jumps the puppy hears a strange noise under his bed. Cue ensuing commotion, and nursing staff attendance:
Just then Jumps heard the nurse running to his room. Jumps fled and pretended that he was asleep. The nurse ran into the room and said "Right, everybody asleep!" and ran out again.
Now here, my teacher 'corrected' the word fled to screamed and yelled. Excuse me, but what the hell dictionary was she consulting? Firstly - fleeing can be done in silence and does NOT require any sort of vocal outburst as she seems to imply; secondly - why would Jumps scream and yell if he was then going to pretend to be asleep? The woman clearly misunderstood the whole subtext of this piece. Luckily, my original words are still legible, so it is not an entire loss to the literary world. The London Muesum has already been in contact, so please - no more begging for me to put the book up on Ebay.