RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Botox is the pits.

misc_rantsbitch_erySo Bridget Jones opened in Australia recently, and little Renee Zellweger came over to woo the crowds and show how un-Bridget she now looks (ie: v. v. thin). Of course, unlike Bridget, who is allowed to be as fat and daggy as possible and we'll still love her to bits, Renee is a star and isn't ever allowed to have a hair out of place, or, GOD FORBID, sweat patches under her arms.

We've ALL been there, people: a warmish day, a poly-cotton shirt, a casual wave and a "Hey Bob!" followed by gasps and fainting from passers by as you reveal those attractive dark circles, so conveniently hidden away most of the time (brewing...)

Anyway, had Renee had one of those "Hey Bob!" moments at the opening of B.J, who KNOWS what might have happened. She might have been clapped in irons and sent off to fashion jail. So, to prevent anarchy, she did the only logical and sane thing she could do.

She Botox-ed her pits.

"This Botox stops me sweating but now I can't put my arm down."

Botoxing your armpits is apparently all the rage these days, as it paralyses your sweat glands and they stop producing sweat. Potential fashion disasters averted. Pretty nifty idea. In fact, I think it's a corker of an idea. But it got me thinking.

If your armpits stop producing sweat, do you produce MORE sweat elsewhere? Did Renee have to bring some changes of underpants to the premiere? Or was she constantly dabbing her face with a Wet-One? Actually, considering the amount of Botox already in her face, the sweat was probably forced to re-route from there too.

In any case, I'm looking into it. I knew Botox had to have a practical use.

Who do you love? Animals or dinner?

I just drove home from work, and for much of the journey was sitting behind a car with a bumper sticker like this:

Well, do you?
And it got me thinking. Firstly it made me think: "Why are bumper stickers like that only ever seen on really crappy cars?" I mean, you never see a brand new BMW driving around with I'M A JUMPER FOR JESUS on it, do you?

Then I thought: "Screw you, you fucking hippie. I'll eat whatever I want."

Then I thought: "Hang on, I do love animals. Maybe I shouldn't eat them."

But after that momentary lapse of sanity (that pretty much ended when I drove past a Hungry Jacks and smelled grilling carcasses)(mmm, carcasses) I realised that even though I love animals, I don't actually EAT the ones I love. I love dogs, and kittens, and meerkats and lemurs, but fuck me if I'll put one on the barbie.  Well, maybe a lemur.

As for cows, sheep and chickens - who the hell loves them anyway? I love my dinner more.

And thus: "Screw you, you fucking hippie. I'll eat whatever I want."

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Nail polish, banks, and Keira Knightley's mouth.

Phew, with a headline like that I bet I get lots of hits from horny nail/bank/skeleton fetishists...

Well, save your excitement people. I'm not going to put nail polish in Keira Knightley's mouth inside a bank. Nor am I going to put a polished bank in Keira Knightley's mouth (though lord knows it would probably fit). No, today I am simply going to rant about things that annoy me. Starting with Ms Knightley.


Alright, now I know this skeleton, sorry - girl, is very popular with the menfolk at present, not least because she played a lesbian in a soccer film and then painted herself with Jay's Bloo-Loo and wrapped a belt around her chest in King Arthur. (Of course, a belt DOES make a fetching top if you have no breasts to speak of)(or if you're Jordan).

But would someone PLEASE explain to me what is the DEAL with her mouth? A visual example of my issue can be seen at right.

"Is there something in my teeth?"

Now, I know in this photo she's being all tough and warriorette-esque (and just quietly, I think I can see a nip or two there)(gosh, now I really WILL get all the perverts from Google), but I can honestly say I have seen her pull this godawful face in every movie I've seen her in. That odd, lips pulled back, teeth-baring glare, of the type normal people do just after they've said "Have I got something between my teeth?". I think she's under the impression that it's sexy. Or maybe she really does think she has something between her teeth.

In any case, it annoys me intensely, which makes it number one on my list today.

Now here I realise all the men who stuck around for the Keira Knightley stuff will probably desert me, but I shall plough on regardless.

WHY oh WHY do nail polish manufacturers make nail polish brushes at LEAST 1cm shorter than the bottle they come in?

Once your bottle starts getting a bit empty it is an absolute NIGHTMARE to get any nail polish on your brush. It's even harder when you've painted 4 of your fingers and you're desperately trying not to touch anything. But then of course half an hour later you've completely forgotten your nails are wet and you fuck them all up when you go to put on a pair of socks. Utter crap.

Quite simply, banks are shit.

More specifically: I have a cheque in my wallet for a rather substantial amount of money that has been there for 2 whole months without being cashed. And why? Because banks are shit.

More specifically: because banks in this country think that because most of the population works until 5pm and not on weekends, that they should close at 4pm, thereby giving said population very little chance to actually ever GET to a bank, thereby probably reducing the amount of work actually DONE by bank employees, thereby allowing happy little bank tellers to trip home and enjoy their weekend at 5pm on Friday WHILE THE REST OF US POOR BASTARDS CARRY AROUND CHEQUES FOR MONTHS ON END.

WHAT is the big deal with maybe, just MAYBE opening for a half day on Saturday? Or POSSIBLY staying open until 6 on a weekday? I mean, is it THAT much to ask?

I really need to bank that cheque.