Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Nail polish, banks, and Keira Knightley's mouth.

Phew, with a headline like that I bet I get lots of hits from horny nail/bank/skeleton fetishists...

Well, save your excitement people. I'm not going to put nail polish in Keira Knightley's mouth inside a bank. Nor am I going to put a polished bank in Keira Knightley's mouth (though lord knows it would probably fit). No, today I am simply going to rant about things that annoy me. Starting with Ms Knightley.


Alright, now I know this skeleton, sorry - girl, is very popular with the menfolk at present, not least because she played a lesbian in a soccer film and then painted herself with Jay's Bloo-Loo and wrapped a belt around her chest in King Arthur. (Of course, a belt DOES make a fetching top if you have no breasts to speak of)(or if you're Jordan).

But would someone PLEASE explain to me what is the DEAL with her mouth? A visual example of my issue can be seen at right.

"Is there something in my teeth?"

Now, I know in this photo she's being all tough and warriorette-esque (and just quietly, I think I can see a nip or two there)(gosh, now I really WILL get all the perverts from Google), but I can honestly say I have seen her pull this godawful face in every movie I've seen her in. That odd, lips pulled back, teeth-baring glare, of the type normal people do just after they've said "Have I got something between my teeth?". I think she's under the impression that it's sexy. Or maybe she really does think she has something between her teeth.

In any case, it annoys me intensely, which makes it number one on my list today.

Now here I realise all the men who stuck around for the Keira Knightley stuff will probably desert me, but I shall plough on regardless.

WHY oh WHY do nail polish manufacturers make nail polish brushes at LEAST 1cm shorter than the bottle they come in?

Once your bottle starts getting a bit empty it is an absolute NIGHTMARE to get any nail polish on your brush. It's even harder when you've painted 4 of your fingers and you're desperately trying not to touch anything. But then of course half an hour later you've completely forgotten your nails are wet and you fuck them all up when you go to put on a pair of socks. Utter crap.

Quite simply, banks are shit.

More specifically: I have a cheque in my wallet for a rather substantial amount of money that has been there for 2 whole months without being cashed. And why? Because banks are shit.

More specifically: because banks in this country think that because most of the population works until 5pm and not on weekends, that they should close at 4pm, thereby giving said population very little chance to actually ever GET to a bank, thereby probably reducing the amount of work actually DONE by bank employees, thereby allowing happy little bank tellers to trip home and enjoy their weekend at 5pm on Friday WHILE THE REST OF US POOR BASTARDS CARRY AROUND CHEQUES FOR MONTHS ON END.

WHAT is the big deal with maybe, just MAYBE opening for a half day on Saturday? Or POSSIBLY staying open until 6 on a weekday? I mean, is it THAT much to ask?

I really need to bank that cheque.


  1. ROFL, especially at the banks! Here's the weirdest thing for me with banks: Until April this year I have spent my entire life as a Sydneysider. Sydney rocks for one reason and one reason only: Shit is open 24/7. If you want something at 3am, there is usually somewhere open you can get it. Except banks. Banks only open for the same shitty hours you mentioned in your post. So April this year we move up here to Brisbane. The first thing I notice about living in what is basically a big country town is that everything shuts on weekends. Nothing is open outside traditional shopping hours here in Brissie. Except banks. That's right, except banks. Believe it or not, you actually get banks open on Saturday mornings up here! I nearly died!

  2. have you tried banking it at a Post Office?

    It's usually a bit faster and cheaper than at a bank, I've found.. and some dodgy post offices let you put them though as cash, so you don't have to wait for the cheque to clear.

    Alternatively, you could refuse to accept cheques and only accept cash or direct money transfer... Cheques.. who the fuck uses them these days?

  3. I don't normally read bloggs, or acknowledge their existence, but being b3tan I checked yours out and was surprised to find it personal, without being tedious. That aside, I have to agree on two of the three. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, mystery. I fail to fathom. At best; nice dental floss, but generally a poor mans Angelina Jolie. The nail polish, though not being a user of nail polish, I do empathise with the general intrusion of the ministry of crap design. Super glue that sticks it’s own lid on after one use being the most pertinent example from my own life. As for the banks, well, I live in England where the banks are open till around 6 and most of Saturday.

  4. None of the banks were open till around six in FUCKING CORNWALL!!! Bastards! They did, however, generaly have funky ATM's where you can deposit your cheque after closing.

  5. hi,

    i'm a cosmetics designer from San Francisco who somehow ended up on your blog site and wanted to say hello!

    I'm trying to find a company to help me produce a line of nail polish - Keira can you help?


    i realize this is a longshot but you seem like great fun :0


  6. Um... your cosmetics look like arses, and you want me to help? I'm not Keira. I wish I were, I'd get heaps more people to my blog. I am hoping this is all a joke...