RuPaul's Drag Race season 8 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season seven recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Petstarr's Christmas adventure

misc_rantsMerry Chrimble to you all! Here's a short rundown of my Christmas day adventure, photo-diary style:


First my mango got the Stigmata...



Then I found this weird tinsel shit inside a prawn when I cleaned it out. It wasn't even inside the poo tube, it was just INSIDE the prawn. TINSEL! On Christmas! Brilliant.



Then I REALLY fucked up our Chinese BBQ duck. Check it out. I got every scrap of meat off that thing.



Then I went to a Christmas party and somehow the gods of photogenia were smiling on me as I managed to take this shot which makes me look a bit..well..dead sexy, let's just face it.



Unfortunately I don't have a photo to illustrate what I looked like after I'd gotten home, having consumed rather too much of...well, everything, and having cried all the way home in the taxi for reasons best left unexplained. But I'm sure you can imagine it.

Ok, so the blog was a bit crap today, sorry. But fuck you, it's Christmas.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

A very nutty Christmas to you

misc_rantsSo I got another email from my nutter admirer today (see post below), which I will share with you.

Hello mystery lady,

Fröhliches Weihnachten und ein tanzender Bär!

That is my native greeting for Christmas day, "merry
christmas and a dancing bear" which is only used
here in Geichslachen Hausen. It has just turned 7am
and we are about to be having our morning service.

I have not slept because I am still with jetlagging, but
that is ok. I just wanted to wish you a merry
christmas and hope you are having fun and good
times.

On the way over here I watched "I love my land"
again on my pocket television (only the first half
because you cannot use those on an airplane and I
had to turn it off) and I wanted to share with you my
favourite song from the film. In English it goes:

When the soil turns to grass
And the grass turns to trees
I love my land

When we walk hand in hand
Through the graves of our fathers
I love my land

There is wheat and babies
Which feed our family
I love my land

I love my land
I love my land
I love my land

In the terror of nightime
We can wake and fight crime
I love my land

Can you see my heart smiling
As I paint on the window
I love my land

When people drive cars
I feel this is my future
I love my land

You have some dry leaves
Which I rake into piles
I love my land

I love my land

It is a lovely song to hear with music, and it is very
old. I hope to hear from you soon, as you seem very
nice and well.

Freddy


But I hate to ruin your fun. I have since found out that a rather bizarre friend of mine set the whole thing up with a fake internet profile and everything, just to take the piss out of me. Hilarious.

I am actually laughing, but still. :)

Ben, you suck.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Why I'm a mental-magnet

misc_rantsGood question. Why AM I a mental-magnet?

By this, I mean supremely attractive and utterly irresistable to mental heads, freaks, weirdos and nutters.

A previous case in point can be found here.

And now - a new nutter rears his mental head through the medium of email.

Some might say that having a profile on an internet dating site is really just asking for nutter attention, and that in fact, it could indicate some degree of self-nutterness. This I accept. But I like to think I'm normal (despite the lack of dates in my social calendar, and my willingness to participate in online dating)(sigh)

But I would never go out of my way to track someone down outside the site, find out their email address and send them THIS:

Hello,

This is MENTALNUTTER, from the internet dating smile. i hope
you are not bothered by my email, i am showing you
my computer hacking skills which have given me
good work here for several years.

I guess you are a very busy person? you must be
quite healthy which is good, my last girl friend died
and i am ready to be happy again.

What are some of your favourite things? i have been
very impressed by Australian Idol, it is much better
than German Idol which is gefickt. I also like films, I
saw the new Wesley Snipe film which was very good
but my favourite is Ich liebe mein Land.

Well I will leave you to reply when you have time, or
if you do not want to hear from me again I will stop
and contact the other girl.

MENTALNUTTER


As if it's not enough that he has to freak me out with the whole 'dead girlfriend' thing, but then he threatens to write to "the other girl". WHAT OTHER GIRL?

Tch. Even the nutters are passing me up these days.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Sub-standard advertising

adver_tisingContinuing with my rant about annoying advertising (I told you I watch too much TV), there is a commercial on Australian TV at the moment for Subway restaurants that is really bothering me. Well, I say "restaurant" but really, I don't think they're going for their third Michelin star any time soon.

Anyway this ad has a bunch of smarmy Subway employees - oh, no wait, "sandwich artists". I'm sorry, but the only "art" that assembling a sandwich comes close to is painting by numbers. Or possibly model making. Which we all know is only enjoyed by high school geeks who can't get dates.

So anyway, there's these smarmy sandwich artists standing around a telephone (behind the counter, mind you, so I'd imagine there was a fair bit of "Oi punk, where's my farking sanger?" that they've had to edit out) talking to some poor, overworked, underpaid lad at the local McDonalds. Oooops!!! Almost gave that away!! Woo! Sorry, I meant "Fries and Burgers", as the store is called in this commercial. (Gosh, that was close).

Anyway the conversation goes something like this:

SMARMY ARTIST: Hello, Fries and Burgers? Do you bake your own bread, fresh every day?
OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID LAD: No.
SMARMY ARTIST: *giggle giggle* Oh, right. Well what about olives? Can I get olives at your store?
OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID LAD: No.
SMARMY ARTIST: *giggle giggle* What about jalapenos?
OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID LAD: No.
SMARMY ARTIST: *full blown hysterical laughter* Can I get a SUB at your store then?
OVERWORKED, UNDERPAID LAD: No, we're not a Subway restaurant.
SMARMY ARTIST: *struggling to breathe through debilitating laughter attack* No mate, you're not even close!


And thus ends the vignette.

My question is - what is the fucking point here? I'm pretty sure that most people recognise that they can't buy a sub sandwich at a McDonalds. I'm sure they realise they can't buy a 6 piece dining setting at KFC either, but you don't see The Furniture Works being all smarmy about it. "No mate, Pizza Hut's not even CLOSE to being Ikea."

Look, Subway. We know you think you're all special and cool because you sell snacks with green stuff in them (I think it's called salad) and you have shit on your menu that is actually healthy, but SPARE US, ok.

Why don't you try looking at your staff a bit harder: when looking up "subway restaurant employee" in Google image search, this is what I got. Enough said.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

YOU and your NOVELTY RINGTONE both SUCK

adver_tisingmisc_rantsbitch_eryWhat is with people and their mobile phones? I know they're useful, I know they're expensive and cool, and I know yours is exceptionally pretty and you'd be lost without it. But if you are one of that strange sub-race of beings that pay to accesorise their phone with shit, BACK THE FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

In particular, if you are the person in my office who used to have an Eminem ringtone, and now has the Mission Impossible theme, TURN THE VOLUME DOWN OR SHOVE THAT GOD DAMN PHONE UP YOUR ARSE BEFORE I DO. Everyone knows the Mission Impossible theme is SO 3 years ago.

There seems to be a spate of advertisements now selling ringtones, 'wallpapers' and crazy shit for your mobile phone, usually at very reasonable prices like $6.95 per ringtone.

A sane person would say "My phone already has 50,000 annoying ringtones on it,
I don't need to pay for another one." Or perhaps they'd say "$6.95 is a bit steep for a noise." They'd probably also say "That sequence of beeps sounds nothing like U2. In fact, it sounds like utter shite."

But apparently there IS a market for this shit, as these ads show no sign of stopping.

There is one advert in particular which keeps cropping up on tv about, oh, EVERY 5 MINUTES, for some stupid company called Jamster. If I ever meet an employee of Jamster, or their CEO (probably some 15 year old pimply kid living in his parents' garage) I am liable to do something drastic involving chilli powder, piano wire and a sim card.

The most offensive ad is for a series of ringtones titled "The Crazy Frog". Woah man, this frog is KER-AY-ZEE! He wears a little helmet and goggles, and he's just, oh man, he's so crazy it's like...WOW is this frog ever crazy.

And THIS is the worst ringtone I have ever heard in my life.


What the FUCK is that? Can you POSSIBLY IMAGINE a worse mobile ringtone than that? Picture it: 3am on Saturday, you've decided to stay in and catch up on some sleep when your crazy coked-out friends decide to call you and find out where you are, and you're woken from your sleep by "BOM-BA-DA-BOM BOM BOM BRRRRAAAAAA-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

AND YOU'VE PAID FOR THE PRIVILEGE!

I mean seriously, what the fuck?!

NB: during the course of writing this entry, the Crazy Frog ad came on 4 times.

EDIT (December 23, 2004): It seems that several comment posters here at Bland Canyon are correct! This horrid sample does seem to come from this website. I shall email them and report back with any interesting information. If I can stop the spread of this horrible sound around the world, then I've done something for humanity.