Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Why do boys go bulky?

misc_rantschick_stuffWhat is it with men and shopping? They either avoid it completely, or go completely nuts - two totally polar reactions to the same activity.

A woman can go shopping for a pair of shoes and happily spend 5 hours wandering through different stores, buying random objects along the way, come home and feel fulfilled (or pissed off, if she couldn't find any shoes and all the shop assistants were skinny little bitches and everything made her look fat). She can also go to the supermarket, get the food she needs, come home and put it all away with a minimum of major drama (unless all the checkout chicks were skinny little bitches who looked at her sideways for buying two packs of Tim tams, ice cream, 3 frozen pizzas, a jumbo pack of Doritos and a bottle of Diet Coke).

A man, on the other hand, will recognise that he needs a new pair of shoes, pretend he doesn't REALLY for about 3 weeks until the old ones beg him to retire them, drag himself to the shops, look exhaustedly in ONE of them, buy the first pair of shoes that doesn't look horriffic (optional) and get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

But take him to the supermarket and it's a totally different story. Suddenly, his pupils dilate, his heart starts beating with the ancient thud of tribal rhythm, his nostrils flare and adrenalin courses through his veins. Suddenly everything is categorised in a way he can understand - cereal there, yes, good. Dairy over there, excellent. Not only that, but there is MORE THAN ONE of everything, and it's all TOGETHER, and DAMMIT, HE CAN BUY IT ALL!

And they do.

"Chicks were on special at the servo."

The tendency for men to buy food in bulk has always puzzled me. My dad is a prime example of Unnecessary Bulk Buying Syndrome (UBBS). He once returned home from a shopping trip with a 2 kilo bag of dried Oregano. Clearly he had confused our two person home with a small Italian bistro and thought a massive bag of dried herbs would be a useful thing to have. I actually don't know how anyone is EVER supposed to get through that much Oregano without smoking it, injecting it or stuffing cushions with it. He had that bag for about 2 years before I finally threw it away.

He is also fond of bulk buying fresh fruit and vegetables. At least dried Oregano can be put in a cupboard and forgotten about. 6 kilos of oranges are not going to go down without a fight.

We once went on a weekend family houseboat trip along the River Murray. Dad decided he'd handle the shopping for the journey which, let's remember, was for four people for two days. He bought 5 kilos of various varieties of fish, 6 kilos of meat, several bags of apples, oranges and bananas, about 6 different types of cheese and several pumpkins. How the hell you cook a pumpkin on a houseboat I do not know. I think even Martha Stewart would be stumped on that one.

UBBS is a complex and devastating disorder affecting husbands, fathers, brothers and sons the world over. Scientists are yet to find a cure. Let's work together to beat this disease - don't let your man shop by himself. Never send him out to shop with another man. And never let him visit a food warehouse.

1 comment :

  1. Reminds me of that old adage that men pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, whereas women will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need...

    But I must be an exception, because I buy far too little, and often forget what it is that I originally set out to buy in the first place.