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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Online dating tips for boys

I've been cruising the online matchmaking websites of late (ie: I'm bored, haven't been getting any, and am listlessly window shopping for a new conquest) and I've realised that there are probably a lot of single guys out there with empty inboxes (so to speak) wondering why the girls aren't going for their profile.

And I know why.

It's not because you listed yourself as Catholic (run girls, run! You'll have to marry him or get pregnant). And it's not because you listed your height as 5'4 and body type as "average". It's because you're one of the hundreds of men committing online profile photo crime.

There are several categories*:

The "I own a hot car, therefore I am hot" man

Guys, when are you going to learn? We don't CARE about your CAR. We honestly don't. We care if it doesn't work, or if it's a clapped-out piece of old arse, or if you DON'T have one at all, but apart from that we couldn't give a rat's. We ESPECIALLY don't care if you've done moderations to it. I expect men use photos like this in the hopes that they'll get some Benny Hill type responses, you know, like "I love driving stick shift, baby," or "How fast can you go? Take it easy on the curves," and such. Sigh. Moving on.

The "I think I'm hot so you should too" man

Men in this category are the most depressed of the singles bunch. They KNOW they're hot, I mean check out those biceps! So why are they still single? Shouldn't chicks be impressed with this shit? Why do they have to resort to a dating website to pick up? Well lads, if you stopped gazing at your perfectly sculpted navels you'd realise none of us gives a toss. I'd rather sleep with one of the guys in the first category. At least they could drive you home.

Following on from this category comes

The "I've cut this out of a magazine hoping you won't realise" man

So you own a pair of scissors, well done.

The "I'm not good looking but I'm fun" man

Here's another life lesson: girls are not attracted to "wacky". We like a laugh, we like fun, but leave the oversized sombrero and the tinny 6-pack crown for those "special" nights with the boys. You know, the ones where you set fire to things and write your name in wee on the back lawn.

The "Other girls have liked me before so you should too" man

Ok, I KNOW most people tend to look their best on their wedding day. You've got the suit, the hair's all done, flower in the lapel...FIND ANOTHER PHOTO, FOR GOD'S SAKE! Do you REALLY think that a photo of you and your EX WIFE on your WEDDING DAY are the right lure for snagging a new sexy single? This goes for ex girlfriends too - learn how to use Microsoft Photo Editor and CROP HER OUT, YOU IDIOT! We know you think it makes you look a bit cooler ("I'm not a COMPLETE nerd, see, I've had a girlfriend before"... yes, we get it.) Although you could just go all Ring on it like the guy in the middle and blur her face out. Creepy.

The "I look better up close" man

I was amazed at how many men obviously think this is an attractive photo angle - up the nostrils. It's not quite clear enough to see what they ACTUALLY look like, and yet, somehow, it's enough to know that you don't really want to go there. Here's a tip guys: self timer. Put the camera down, walk back a few steps. Try it out.

The "Hall of mirrors" man

"Don't like the look of me? How can you tell? I could be him - or him - or her!" Yes, this man lacks the self confidence to crop his mates out of the photo, hoping that by having three or more people in the shot his odds might just increase and you'll at least fancy ONE of them. And yet again, we have the ubiquitous wedding shot. But which one is he? The one getting married? The page boy? Surely, he is a mysterious fellow.

"The Shadow"

See the contrast setting in Photoshop? Want to try it out, maybe? Or are you just a dismembered head, condemned to float forever in a sea of misery?

The "I am a DJ" man

Yeah well great. Guess what? So's my grandma. Everyone's a god damn DJ these days. Find something else. (Have to admit it's still kind of hot though. Dammit.)

The "I am a computer nerd" man

You can tell these guys are veterans of the online dating scene. You just know they've taken these photos half way through some hot and heavy internet chat session with SEXY_BABE82 when she's finally asked "Wot do u look like?" Oh hang on, is that an MSN chat session going on in the background of that shot? Didn't work out then? Hmm.

The "I can use Photoshop" man

Love the use of filters man, dig it. And I'm really loving that collage effect. It's artsy and creative, in a psychopathic kidnapper-esque kind of way.

And finally, this:

The "I play oversized keyboards" man

Taken from two separate websites, I'd like to think this is the same guy and not a new trend sweeping the nation. I think he should give up on internet dating, get a nice romantic hideaway on the coast somewhere and just stroke his Yamaha for a while.

*These photos have all been taken from actual profiles on dating websites. They have all been altered to protect the innocent. Ok, I just stuck a black stripe across their eyes.