Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Throw another doll on the Barbie

misc_rantsI have to admit, I have never been a doll fan. I have never owned a Barbie and as a child, the slightest interest shown in owning one was greeted with utter contempt by the rest of my family. I did later have a Cabbage Patch doll, but only because everyone did, and anyway mine had curly orange hair and I called it Leonie so you really couldn’t be more of an abusive parent than that.

I just don’t like dolls. I don’t like the way their plastic, beady, soulless eyes stare out into space from the shelf without the benefit of nice fluffy fur (a la a teddy bear) to make them cute or cuddly. But most importantly, I don’t like what dolls can do to people.

I’m not talking about Chucky style psychopathic supernatural serial killing. I mean the obsession that can grip people who are driven to collect them. For me, doll people are like cat people – both drippy sets of fuckers who won’t leave you alone about their obsession. “This is Socks/Leonie, isn’t she cute how she shits on your car/sits on the shelf and stares blankly into your soul?”

The worst types of doll people are the ones who buy special display cabinets for their collection and shop on the internet for the latest designs. Or, on the TV Shopping Network.

Before I moved out into the bachelorette pad, I lived with my mum who, bless her, had Foxtel. Many a hungover Sunday afternoon was spent watching TVSN, wondering who in the hell would buy an electrical appliance to fry an egg. Honestly, a fucking plug-in egg fryer. I wish people who bought this crap would just stick a fork in their toaster. If it didn’t kill them at least it would be one less electrical appliance for them to worry about.

At any rate, one of the best shows was the Dolls and Collectables Hour, where some drippy bloke would present the latest in the world of beady-eyed soulless plastic freaks at ludicrous prices. Like these:


Is anyone else thinking Donnie Darko here?

"Oliver has the weight and proportions of a real baby so when you pick him up he feels like the real thing - including wrinkles around his ankles, hands and face."

Aww, isn't he sweet? NO, HE'S NOT! It's a baby that will never open his goddamn eyes! Doesn't anyone else find that disturbing? I mean, at least it saves you the strain of having to deal with the beady, soulless thing, but I think maybe this is worse.

You can own Oliver for just $269 (hey, it WAS $469, so quit complaining, it's a fucking bargain).

Harry Handmade:

If your doll needs are more specific, say, a semi-retarded black kid with an invisible friend, then look no further than Harry Handmade.

"Duh, you're my bethst friend, Mr Invithible."

What the hell is this? It's $69.50 worth of confusion and weirdness, that's what it is. Presumably you're supposed to dress Harry in that soccer outfit every now and again, but frankly I don't want to go anywhere near any of it. Moving on.


Before you die, you see the ring...

OH SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS WHAT IS THIS? It's Gunhild, the Limited Edition Vinyl Doll. And it's only $99.50 now, on sale. Gee, I wonder why they haven't been able to sell this one? Could it be those SATANIC EYES LIKE INKY POOLS OF DEATH SUNK INTO HER HEAD?

"Gunhild carries with her a box of present that is wrapped in silver coloured paper." A box of present? That chick better come armed with more than a present if she's coming anywhere near me. Fuuuuck.

Queen Ann Estelle:

Perhaps you were the geeky girl at school. You know, the nerdy one with bad hair and coke-bottle glasses that never got any boy action? Well TVSN has thought about you guys (hell, you probably make up most of their audience, sitting at home alone, your big fat bottoms permanently indenting the couch as the hundreds of eyes from your creepy doll collections watch you stuff another tim tam into your faces...ahem).

Well in the cheapest, most lowbrow attempt to boost your shattered self esteem, comes Queen Ann Estelle, the geeky Queen.

There once was an ugly duckling...

But she's still got a crown, doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE?!

Not geeky enough, you say? Cop this then.

Parasol Party:

Me love you long time, Mister

She doesn’t even have a NAME. She’s just called “Parasol Party”. She’s a whole party, all in one. And doesn’t she just look it.

Reminds me of a cheap Thai strip club where the girls are all just a little bit sub-par with glasses and bad props. Little party girl here would do an act with a parasol while all the fat American tourists watch in confusion screaming "DO THE PING PONG BALL THING, THE PING PONG BALL!"

And finally, I know this is supposed to be strictly about dolls, but I had to step outside the rules to bring you this piece de resistance.

The Brain:

E=mc fuck that's overpriced

Cute isn't he? But there's more than just fluff and sawdust behind this little cutie:

"The Brain was designed by Hermann Green in Germany, to celebrate the 100th Anniversary of the publication of Einstein's Theory of Relativity."

Now, you'd think that the demographic of people actually wanting to celebrate this occasion would be fairly exclusive. I'm thinking physicists and nerds and that's about it. But apparently he's one of TVSN's most popular items, and at just $349 I'm not surprised. Actually that's a lie. I'm bewildered.

Nevertheless, I'm sure Albert would be thrilled to know that a lifetime's work was being commemorated by a stuffed bear.

And thank goodness - "Einstein has black safety eyes". That's to protect all the geniuses out there who try to eat his face.


  1. Pffft. I've not seen the phenomena myself but I can see why you feel that way. Keep putting the world to rights.

  2. That baby one has me thinking of "Trainspotting" for some reason...

  3. haha, donnie darko? where did you get that idea?

  4. It's the rabbit ear thing on that baby.... I just immediately thought of that freaked out rabbit in D.D. In any case, it's scary as shit.

  5. Top blog. Many, many laughs. Hey wait a minute , I know they're not technically dolls but what about your talking teddy bear ("it's getting really warm") and the wanking Duracell bunny...these are pretty spooky little items too.....

  6. Having no sisters, I look at this subjectively. It does not bother me that you would not like dolls. As a boy, cars, trucks, planes, ships, and action figures were my favorite toys. However, I also on my own without anybody's permission chose to include Barbie as well. I never wanted to be a girl just because I chose to include them in with my other toys. It complimented my action figures. After all, they are nothing but toys. The fact is that your gender permits your choice. Mine is questioned or derided by ignorance. While I find enjoyment in collecting things, I do not look down on you because of your different view point. Yes there are those who take doll collecting to an extreme. However, I view a toy as a toy. It cannot stare because there is no life in there. I appreciate the artistic design. When I look at the f ace of a doll, I see the work of an artist. Though inferior to reality, I can appreciate the artistry.To blindly follow some individual or ideology without common sense just because of popularity; financial gain; or tradition, I will not do. Working in the construction field had given me much satisfaction. The more strenuous the job, the more I loved it. The greatest reward for me had been at the end of the day knowing I'd done my best. I refuse to be denied a goal or anything without probable cause.

  7. The reason that some dolls cost so much is because the one who is selling it thinks it is worth it. The one who buys it agrees with the seller. If you created an article that was worth a lot to you, would it be wrong for anybody to pay your price? Dolls are just like paintings only in 3D version. Both are as blank canvases until the hand of the artist applies the expertise and paint. They either are praised or criticized by the individual eyes of the viewer. Just as a painting is inferior to the real thing so is dolls. However, the talent it takes to create them can be appreciated. A child's joy of a toy is too often determined by fixed boundaries set by adults. Two boys who were given two barbie dolls used them as guns. They were having fun with the dolls. If they had been forced to play with them in the way specified by adults, there would have been no joy at all. A toy is only a vehicle for the imagination. It's value is only restricted by how far the imagination takes it.

  8. Yeah yeah, MAYBF22000 - but did you laugh anyway?

    PS: someone THIS serious about dolls is exactly the kind of person that scares me most.

  9. The fact that anyone who presents a differing point of view than yours on this subject scares you, shows a mental deficiency on your part. Trying to communicate is useless. How can you be an objective journalist when you cannot set your own bias aside? If you care about something, it makes you passionate. I've not threatened you in any way. I am not scared of anyone unless they have a weapon. It is notlogical to be scared of me. I only express a logical point of view in words. I am passionate about everthing in life. Everything has meaning. Life is too short to take anything for granted.

  10. I prefer intelligence over ignorance. Therefore, I can leave you alone with your own paranoid self. Write what you will about me. Your criticism cannot hurt me in any form. It is I and not you who has the power to determine my success in life.

  11. Oooookay.

    Well, glad my blog provoked a response.

    Four responses, actually. Nice. Must have really hit home.