Thursday, September 15, 2005

And today, I'm sick of...

tv_mediaOk let's cut straight to the chase: here is a list of stories I never want to see on A Current Affair or Today Tonight ever again.

1. Stories about weight. People gaining weight, people losing weight, anorexic women, obese kids, grannies going to the gym...fuck off, all of you.

2. A new learning/breathing/speaking/eating technique that helps stutterers to speak normally. Clearly all of them are actually crap, because this story seems to air once every 6 months, and it's always a new technique.

3. A new learning/breathing/speaking/eating technique that helps slow kiddies to read. Listen parents: you can colour code vowels and "break words into two" all you bloody like, but if you call your kid Kyeliee or Jaiydenn, spelling is always going to elude them.

4. Stories about labels on food. Hey, you mean that big green tick on the front of the cereal box ISN'T from the Heart Foundation? And you say these marshmallows are 97% fat free, but contain lots of sugar? THANK YOU, BUT WE ARE NOT ALL RETARDED. Stop telling us this common sense information.

5. Stories about home brand products versus name brand products. You mean name brand rice is the same as home brand? We can save 60 cents? WHO GIVES A TOSS? And stop trying to convince us that home brand ice cream is anywhere near Streets Blue Ribbon. It's never going to win, ever. This category also includes stories comparing laundry powders, batteries and running shoes.

6. Stories about internet scams and hoaxes. Excuse me, but are we supposed to feel sorry for Mr and Mrs Plonker of Nowhere who are crying over their keyboards because they gave their bank account details to Mr Nahasa Puumo of Nigeria? "He emailed us directly and told us his father, the king, had been assasinated...We had no reason to suspect it was a hoax." I have no sympathy for these absolute nobheads who give all their details and money to people selling betting software or other such nonsense - "He said I'd be earning millions of dollars an hour - of course I believed him." Fuck off, you've learned the hard way. Some people were never supposed to be let loose on the web, and you're clearly one of them.

7. Stories about neighbours from hell. Giving more air time to more scrubbers who yell obscenities at each other over fences and throw dog crap at each other's houses. You always have one neighbour who the viewer is supposed to sympathise with, but if you ask me they're all fucking nutty. Especially the one I saw last week who had set up 5 video cameras to catch her mental neighbour on camera, and then sat down over dinner every night to watch the entire day's footage. Riiight, your NEIGHBOUR'S the crazy one...

8. Stories about tenants from hell. Actually, that's a lie, I quite like watching these stories. It's fascinating to see how drastic people will let a place get before even THEY decide it's too revolting to live in, and bugger off elsewhere.

Comments and list additions are, as always, more than welcome.


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    Political Internet forums are gaining popularity, especially during the Virginia governor's race.

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  3. Dont forget the "every parent must watch this" headline, and my particular favourite, the how to save money by going to enormous lengths to buy from some clearance house your next fridge/tv etc and while you are at it how about putting a few retail employees out of jobs too. You would think they would know how the capitalist system works by now wouldnt you. I wonder how much they get paid for their advertising, um sorry, responsible journalism? On another unrelated note, I know someone you would just love too meet.

  4. Really Craig.. I am intrigued....

  5. It once tickled me to read that Nine had brought Ray Martin back to ACA to effect an air of journalistic credibility over TT. I think they ran cuttings left on 60 Minutes' editing room floor for a couple of days before returning to championing the causes of the lame and stupid. Tabloid rates, after all.

  6. I hate it when people do stupid things, end up killing themselves, and then there’s an article on the family’s grief.

    If you brought it on yourself doing something quite obviously stupid and dangerous, then I don’t care.

    Youths who get impaled after trespassing, vandalism and theft ... P-platers doing 200kmph who lose control and hit a tree ... fantastic! The quicker they’re out of the gene pool, the better. Just don’t let your family go to the Advertiser or ACA for a quick buck to whinge, “I dunno what came ova ‘im. He was a top bloke, neva woulda done nuffin to hurt no one. He was always crazy, but I can’t believe he gone and done sumfin like dis.” Whatever.

  7. Right on, Rev. Preach the good word.

    I noticed that Nine News is running a story tonight for everyone who's tried dieting and exercise unsuccessfully.

    I can only assume this remarkably easy new weight-loss solution is to amputate a limb, because anyone who can so baldly lie that dieting and exercise has no effect is clearly not willing to put down his can of Fanta for anything more taxing than catching a bus to the hospital and being pushed home in a wheelchair.

  8. There's the how-to-save-on-your-phone-bills stories. Who'd have thunk that you could save by consolidating your phone, mobile and internet with one provider? Especially since they've been advertising it in their adverts for months?

    Okay, that was a one-off case. You busted me...

  9. A CURRENT AFFAIR!!! GRRR!! ANGER! HATE!!!! *growl*

    Ahem. Seriously though, Today Tonight and ACA can be downright sleazy. The kind of sleazy that's leaving a wallet of money lying around so they can go chasing after the person that picks it up screaming, "why didn't you give it to the police? what kind of example are you setting for the children? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! AND JESUS! AND THE PUPPIES!!!"

    All the while, they'll be thrusting a mic in the face of the stunned individual.

    Anyway, I'm on a bit of a warpath over an "interview" the other week with the Archbishop of Intelligent Design and Grand Spagetti Monsterism, Brenand Nelson. It was free time given to a pollie to push his agenda.

    Yeah, I blogged my frustration. :-S

  10. Have a read and a chuckle:)