Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A practical chick's guide to attending a cricket match.

1. It's not about the cricket.

The first thing to remember is that while you may think the purpose of going to the cricket is to actually watch cricket, it isn't. The purpose of the day is, in fact, to drink beer and leer at women. Let’s call it the "beer and leer" philosophy.

2. It isn't an oval.

The second thing to keep in mind is that while you may think you're at a sports oval, you're not. You are, in actual fact, in the middle of the world's largest outdoor strip club, and you are the main attraction (see point 1).

3. You are always on stage.

With these two points in mind, all women attending a cricket match must be expected to perform for the male spectators (after all, what else have they got to watch? A wicket? What the hell's that?)

This can be done in two easy ways:

a) Be blonde. If you're not blonde, dye your hair. Men can't be expected to focus on more than one hair colour, it confuses them.

b) Have breasts. If you're flat-chested, wear a push-up bra or get implants. It's only fair.

Now you've got the basics covered, simply follow these easy instructions to keep the spectators happy:

a) Check blonde hair and breasts are both still in place and easily visible.

b) Walk past male spectators to your chosen seat.

If you hear something that sounds like a Bundy-fuelled barroom brawl at the Cross Keys Tavern at 3am, you've done it right. If not, make blonde hair and breasts more prominent (say, by wearing a singlet or ill-fitting T shirt) and walk past again. If you still don't hear anything, the problem might be:

a) You are over 21.

b) You are wearing normal clothes.

c) You are walking next to a male friend. (NB: This is NOT a foolproof preventative measure)

PS: thanks to the boy who bought me and my friend beers because you liked my tits. Your quirky sense of humour and unabated enthusiasm for beer purchasing made you quite appealing, until you held a goon bag next to your crotch and asked me to "drink from your sack".

PPS: I tried to find a photo of a yobbo to accompany this post, but when I Googled 'lout', this is what I got. And, quite frankly, I prefer it anyway.

The cutest lout around?


  1. Hehe. I love the lil lout.

    Well, I have never been to a cricket match before and I sure as hell have no interest in going now :) Ugh.

    But, I'll go to "an outdoor strip club" filled with these furry louts any day...

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  3. Scootikins, you possibly have the best URL ever - www.nudetonydanza.com - but it doesn't work! Imagine my disappointment!

  4. good to have you back.

    what do you think about pants? dont you hate pants??

  5. Hi Scootkins. I too have been frustrated in my attempts to see Tony Danza naked. Please rectify this ASAP. I am tired of visiting www.steveguttenburgnaked.com

  6. I'm assuming the ridiculous dress-code imposed at Adelaide Oval didn't have the desired effect, then.

  7. um, a fair few of our office lads went to the oval and I have to say your post supports their pictures. Said picture are being sent around the office.

    Perhaps your lout is among them?

  8. I wore my new 'kinda short shorts' to the cricket :(

    I don't have blonde hair, and my boobs were nicely out of the way, but I still recieved similar attention.

  9. Hello Tony Danza lovers. It is a good feeling to know that I am not alone in my love of the Danzin' man. If you would like a sneak preview of my new website coming soon to www.nudetonydanza.com check the below link for a tasty treat - it makes for a nice change from boobs at the cricket. Boobs at non-sporting events are hard to beat though...


  10. You need to get to a cricket match in England, PS. At least we remember to watch the cricket over here (even if it isn't as good ;-) and it's a lot more civilised...usually.

  11. hi again.

    I sent you article to the 'cricket louts' that I know and one of them confessed that he had done the sack thing in front of the score board.

    Was your gonad experience in front of the scoreboard?

  12. My god, YES IT WAS! You know the "drink from my sack" guy? How proud you must be!

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  14. Great post. It was as funny as seeing a plastic fantastic member of the female gender addressing her leaking breast implant.

    The best way to solve the problem is quite simple and doesn't involve addressing (no) dress codes: ban women from attending.

    Hear me out: None of them go there to watch the cricket; even those who don't deliberately try to be seen (read Krystle's comment above) get noticed/cop an earfull; there's nowhere to place ones two dozen cups of beer (required to get tipsy seeing as it's low alkeehol content) coz the place is so packed; ahh, there are other reasons but I'm not really committed to the cause as it's the best part of being there.

    The best place to watch cricket is at home on the telly.

  15. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

    Kaufman you are a stupid lout. You know there are some of us girls who go to watch the cricket. Just because we go, does not mean that we wish to be leered, jeered or whistled at. Some of us genuinely want to sit there and watch the action that is happening out there, and I don't mean the drunken idiots who just spoil the day.

    I agree with your last sentence. You should stay home and watch the cricket, and thereby be a drunken lout at home.

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