Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Strange attractions

For some time I have tried to determine what my 'type' is when it comes to men. I have so far been unsuccessful in this endeavour, except for determining that whatever boys my best friend L* finds attractive, I find supremely uninteresting. By that measure it's almost guaranteed that whatever boy she finds repugnant, I will probably be falling over myself to get into bed with.

Anyway, using L as a divining rod to find men hasn't proved all that workable, given that she seems to dislike being grabbed by the ankles and pointed around bars. So instead I offer to you, citizens of the interweb, a list of men (in no particular order) that I am strangely attracted to in the hope that maybe you guys can work it out for me.

1. Tim from The Office


When you leave Dawn, I'll be there to pick up the pieces...


Ah, Tim. 28, Lives still with his mum, no goals, no career amibition, no balls when it comes to picking up women. Be still, my beating heart. Why I have a crush on this character I don't know - I think I'm won over by his sarcastic office antics. And he gave Dawn a really thoughtful secret santa in the Christmas special. Sigh. Yep, I definitely would.

2. Steve-O from Jackass


Spazmo or not, Steve-o is hot.


Ok, so everyone (including me) has a bit of a girl crush on Johnny Knoxville; this is not news. Most guys even think he's hot stuff. But when I'm not lusting after Mr K, I'm all about his sidekick Steve-o. Ok, so he's basically a dickhead - he's wrestled in horse shit, frequently paraded naked in public and had his arse cheeks pinned together. But that ripped body and gravel-ash voice... I can't resist it.

3. Prince


I really don't know why.


Ok, I realise I might have lost a few of you here, but for those that are pressing on - I really don't know why Prince makes my list. I have had a thing for him since I was about seven. So he's incredibly short (I'm almost six foot so this IS potentially a problem), likes tight pants and big hair, and no one really knows what side of the fence he's on. I think this is why I'm drawn to him - he's a SEXUAL ENIGMA. Or maybe I just like purple more than I think.

4. David Bowie in Labyrinth


Again with the big hair...


No no, don't go yet! Really, please stay. I know I'm pushing it with the whole 80s big hair thing, but bear with me. Labyrinth is one of my favourite movies ever; when I was a child I would get mum to rent it for me almost every weekend. I never got sick of it. I'm still not sick of it, actually, I just bought the DVD last week. And again, David Bowie as Jareth was a source of childhood fascination and the confusion of a budding sexuality. I don't know WHAT my fascination with tight pants and big hair was back then, but it's still got a grip on my psyche.

5. The lead singer from Good Charlotte


I don't even know his name.


So anyway, whoever this guy is, I find him strangely attractive. Yes, I know Good Charlotte are a pussy band, but there's something about this guy's strange hair and tatts and puffy lips that fascinates me. It might also be a bit of my 80s makeup fetish rearing its head again. Also the way he dresses up like a corn in the 'I Just Wanna Live' video.

6. Blink 182


Why does the guy on the left have no tatts? What's wrong with him?


Again, I don't know their names, but the guys from Blink 182 appeal to me in a teenage skater-punk sort of way. They're all a bit skinny and they sing like they're whining, but they have tatts and they expose their arses a lot. These guys can slot into the same space on the shelf as Steve-o and Good Charlotte man.

7. Louis Theroux


"Who?" I hear you say.


For those of you unfamiliar with Mr Theroux, he had a TV show on the BBC (and Foxtel) for a while called Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends where he would interview eccentric characters about a particular subject. He is incredibly funny. And rather fucking gorgeous. I'm a sucker for a guy in glasses with a five o'clock shadow. I nursed a crazy infatuation with this man for quite a few seasons of LTWW until he made mention of "his girlfriend back home" in one episode. I was crushed. Still definitely, definitely would.


8. G.O.B from Arrested Development


Not MAGIC, Dad - ILLUSIONS!


For those of you who haven't yet discovered this show, I highly recommend you either get Foxtel's Comedy Channel, or tune in to Channel 7 on Sunday or Monday nights around 11pm (stroke of programming genius there - put the funniest new comedy series on as late as possible on a Sunday night) or just hire the DVDs from Series One and get into it from the start. It's that fucking good. Anyway, why I have a crush on G.O.B, the dim, womanising magician (sorry, ILLUSIONIST), isn't all that clear to me. Perhaps it's MAGIC! He goes in the same category as Tim from The Office.

And finally:

9. Bob Dylan circa 1965-66


It IS you, babe...


This crush started when I was 16, and I discovered how fucking much Subterranean Homesick Blues rocks. What followed was a completely obssessive Dylan phase that lasted several years, wherein I bought every Dylan album, book and poster and anything vaguely related to the man. I even wrote 'PetStarr's Bob Dylan walkman' in liquid paper on the side of my walkman and took it to school with my collection of Dylan tapes. I was, frankly, frightening. I even slept with a guy once because he looked vaguely like him. Ok, perhaps that's giving too much away. Anyway, while I have no attraction to the current version of the guy, Dylan circa 1965-66 still gets me hot. Pale, skinny, pissed off - YES! GIVE IT TO ME, BOB!

Right, so while by no means a definitive list, it's a start. If you can figure out my emotional/sexual problems, please leave a comment. Alternatively, if you are a guy who possesses one or more of the qualities displayed by examples 1-8, please also leave a comment, we can hook up, it'll be nice. (Although if the quality is tight pants and/or big hair, don't bother - I think that might be better in my head than it is in real life).

*name shortened to protect the innocent.



8 comments :

  1. its thier lips. they all have similar lips.

    problem solvered

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  2. Thanks Matt, but I don't think it's as simple an equation as lips = PetStarr's lust. My friend L, on the other hand, has a major lip fetish and won't even bother with someone who has what she calls "thin lips". And if I'm the opposite to her, lips can't matter to me, right?

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  3. It's all about generational hair. You like someone's whose hair sums up a specific era, or even a fad.

    Because, as we all know, it's not about personality... it's all about the hair.

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  4. Unless you consider what doesn't attract you to another person you won't know the full extent of what does because you'll be limiting your choices from the outset.

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  5. as much as I can figure.. the factors to your attraction seems to be..

    a) scruffy
    b) loveable loser
    c) self destructive lunatic
    d) intense evil-eye freak
    e) artistic dweeb
    f) all of the above?

    all in all, the sort've people who'd lose horribly in a bar fight, are crap at sport, have weird career aspirations, and were mostly likely to be the village idiot / reject in highschool..

    the sorta people who really wont live that long.. since, well, all in all.. they're quite fragile (or self destructive) aren't they?

    and yeah, I really gotta admire that.. :)

    not to say I admit to possessing any these qualities meself (hahaha) but yeah, that seems to wot yer looking for..

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  6. Scruffy, loveable loser... I think you're onto something with that.

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  7. Let's face it, kiddo, you just can't resist a neurotic muso.

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  8. Hi :)

    I am secretly sneaking through web during my boring workday and have just found your all parts of strange attractions :)) Once me and my two friends (guys) were discussing hottest actors/actresses and they named my taste as very strange... :) Don't know why, maybe just because they are guys, but my sister also finds some of my attractions kind of weird :)

    Anyway, I am so excited to find out, that there's someone else, who has such a crush about David Bowie in "Labyrinth", that I couldn't resist to write you :)
    and of course - Benicio, that insanely hot Benicio.. :)

    ReplyDelete