Thursday, December 15, 2005

The very model of a major modern man

After consultation with several female friends, I have decided that the following attributes and skills are essential for all modern men to possess.

In no particular order:

1. Must know how to drive, even if he doesn’t have a car (although car ownership is preferable)

2. Must be able to reverse parallel park in one easy motion, while wearing sunglasses. At night, this is optional (see point 3).

3. Must never wear sunglasses at night (fancy dress parties excepted).

4. Must not own a hairdryer (styling products are ok).

5. Any hair below the shoulder is forbidden.

6. Must know how to replace a washer in a leaky tap.

7. Must know what a 'solenoid valve' is.

8. Must own more than five pairs of underwear.

9. Must know how to light a barbecue, both gas and Weber.

10. Must know how to make at least one really good salad.

11. Must know how to make minor repairs to a vehicle or, in the absence of tools, at least identify what the problem might be.

12. Must know how to cook a 'signature dish' that doesn't involve steak.

13. Must know how to rig up a fishing line, including adding a squid jig.

14. Must be able to gut and clean a fish.

15. Must be able to check scary noises at odd times of the night without being scared.

16. Must be able to dispose of house spiders without flinching.

17. Must give compliments without being prompted (preferably to me).

18. Must occasionally give flowers for no reason.

19. Must not have a problem with occasionally wearing pink or purple shirts.

20. Must own a suit (not a tux. If he owns a tux, he must have good reasons as to why he does, ie: having to attend regular formal functions etc.)

21. If he doesn't like sushi, he has to at least have tried it.

22. Has to look cool when smoking a cigarette, even if he doesn't smoke.

23. Must know how to play an instrument (note: he doesn’t have to be able to play it WELL, just to bang out a few notes that aren't accidental)

24. Should know his way around a hardware shop.
And finally, very importantly:

25. Must be able to back a trailer.

Additions to this list are, as always, welcome.


  1. ive responded to this on my blog...

  2. hahaha.. ok, I'm screwed then..

    I'm a hairy musician who doesn't drive, doesn't know the first thing about fishing, fixing cars or wot'ever the fuck a "solenoid valve" is.. the only thing I can cook is "meat n 3 veg".. but hey, I have no problems with evicting spiders.. so, um.. that's a ONE plus.. (mostly I just scare 'em out with my crazy music)

    so, yeah.. um.. all I can say in the hopeless case for my defense is.. yer friends are nuts :P

  3. YOu missed "sense of humour"...

    At least that's what we're led to believe is paramount...

    Unless "sense of humour" is a metaphor for, "promising career path".

  4. Oh... and re: Tuxedo. If he owns one, he could be a freemason, and you should run away. Quickly.

  5. Andy you're missing the point. Everyone wants a guy with a sense of humour, nice smile, charming personality etc. etc. That's a given. These are the quirky essential skills that you may not realise are necessary. But I agree about the freemason thing. Scary.

  6. thumbs up to the hair - long hair is a horrible relic of the baby boomer generation. and as my mum says, "sexual revolution! *snort* it was just another way for men to justify sleeping with as many people as possible, and treating them like shite." wise woman, wise woman, get rid of your hippy hair NOW!

  7. Oh, my bad. :) I should've known that there are essential minimum requirements, and then there're desirable characteristics :)

    Then perhaps you could add "be able to perceive my point before responding"


  8. what a horrible list. i guess there really are women like you out there. good luck with that!

  9. Gosh, someone's had a humour bypass. It's called a joke, Joyce. Jesus.

  10. Also, he must appreciate the greatness of really bad 80's style video games like pacman.

  11. What's a solenoid valve? Nuff said.

  12. Must know how to operate a washing machine and vacuum cleaner; must know that laundered clothes need to be removed from washing machine and hung up to dry, preferably within one hour of completion of cycle; must know that said vacuum cleaner needs to be emptied occasionally; must use such machines in his own residence at least once a month