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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Forget Viagra, gimme Jilas.

adver_tisingtv_mediaAnd now, the latest addition to the series of television ads that disturb me - the Jila commercial.

Has anyone seen this? More importantly: has anyone seen this and actually bought a packet of Jila mints afterwards?

The scenario: an attractive young couple are getting frisky in bed. Perhaps they're newlyweds? Or forbidden lovers stealing a brief moment of passion together? Whatever it is, they're going for it. The excitement builds as the hunky young spunk makes his advances (a bit of groping, namely) and then...

"Sorry," he says, ashamed (and yet strangely, still rather self-satisfied...)

As he falls asleep (ashamedly) on his love's lap, she rolls her eyes and quickly grabs her box of Jila mints from the bedside table and pops one into her mouth with a look on her face akin to ecstasy, while the smarmy voice over says "Jila mints are covered with layer upon layer of mint shell, so at least something will stay hard all night".

Well excuse me. All this time we've been under the illusion that Viagra is the perfect pill for a passion pick me up. Looks like we got it wrong. Personally, I think it would have done her better to forget the Jilas and just grab her box, but this is Ad Land, where reality is but a distant memory and mints are a satisfactory replacement for an orgasm.

"Hey baby, got any Jilas? Cos I go like the clappers."

I don't know about anyone else out there, but I've never rolled over after a bad session and thought "Gosh, I could just murder a mint." Besides which - who WANTS a mint to stay hard all night? I just want fresh breath, I'm not taking up a new hobby here. What do you have to do, stick it to the bedpost to continue in the morning?

Who came up with this cracker of a commercial? My guess is some hackneyed 80s ad exec who still believes "sex sells" and that if you get enough women collectively laughing at the same pathetic man, eventually they'll buy some mints.

If they HAD to go with a sex theme, they should have read the suggestions on this bulletin board. Everyone knows there's a better way to use a Jila when it comes to making things stay hard in the mouth.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Why do boys go bulky?

misc_rantschick_stuffWhat is it with men and shopping? They either avoid it completely, or go completely nuts - two totally polar reactions to the same activity.

A woman can go shopping for a pair of shoes and happily spend 5 hours wandering through different stores, buying random objects along the way, come home and feel fulfilled (or pissed off, if she couldn't find any shoes and all the shop assistants were skinny little bitches and everything made her look fat). She can also go to the supermarket, get the food she needs, come home and put it all away with a minimum of major drama (unless all the checkout chicks were skinny little bitches who looked at her sideways for buying two packs of Tim tams, ice cream, 3 frozen pizzas, a jumbo pack of Doritos and a bottle of Diet Coke).

A man, on the other hand, will recognise that he needs a new pair of shoes, pretend he doesn't REALLY for about 3 weeks until the old ones beg him to retire them, drag himself to the shops, look exhaustedly in ONE of them, buy the first pair of shoes that doesn't look horriffic (optional) and get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

But take him to the supermarket and it's a totally different story. Suddenly, his pupils dilate, his heart starts beating with the ancient thud of tribal rhythm, his nostrils flare and adrenalin courses through his veins. Suddenly everything is categorised in a way he can understand - cereal there, yes, good. Dairy over there, excellent. Not only that, but there is MORE THAN ONE of everything, and it's all TOGETHER, and DAMMIT, HE CAN BUY IT ALL!

And they do.

"Chicks were on special at the servo."

The tendency for men to buy food in bulk has always puzzled me. My dad is a prime example of Unnecessary Bulk Buying Syndrome (UBBS). He once returned home from a shopping trip with a 2 kilo bag of dried Oregano. Clearly he had confused our two person home with a small Italian bistro and thought a massive bag of dried herbs would be a useful thing to have. I actually don't know how anyone is EVER supposed to get through that much Oregano without smoking it, injecting it or stuffing cushions with it. He had that bag for about 2 years before I finally threw it away.

He is also fond of bulk buying fresh fruit and vegetables. At least dried Oregano can be put in a cupboard and forgotten about. 6 kilos of oranges are not going to go down without a fight.

We once went on a weekend family houseboat trip along the River Murray. Dad decided he'd handle the shopping for the journey which, let's remember, was for four people for two days. He bought 5 kilos of various varieties of fish, 6 kilos of meat, several bags of apples, oranges and bananas, about 6 different types of cheese and several pumpkins. How the hell you cook a pumpkin on a houseboat I do not know. I think even Martha Stewart would be stumped on that one.

UBBS is a complex and devastating disorder affecting husbands, fathers, brothers and sons the world over. Scientists are yet to find a cure. Let's work together to beat this disease - don't let your man shop by himself. Never send him out to shop with another man. And never let him visit a food warehouse.