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Thursday, December 15, 2005

The very model of a major modern man

After consultation with several female friends, I have decided that the following attributes and skills are essential for all modern men to possess.

In no particular order:
1. Must know how to drive, even if he doesn’t have a car (although car ownership is preferable)

2. Must be able to reverse parallel park in one easy motion, while wearing sunglasses. At night, this is optional (see point 3).

3. Must never wear sunglasses at night (fancy dress parties excepted).

4. Must not own a hairdryer (styling products are ok).

5. Any hair below the shoulder is forbidden.

6. Must know how to replace a washer in a leaky tap.

7. Must know what a 'solenoid valve' is.

8. Must own more than five pairs of underwear.

9. Must know how to light a barbecue, both gas and Weber.

10. Must know how to make at least one really good salad.

11. Must know how to make minor repairs to a vehicle or, in the absence of tools, at least identify what the problem might be.

12. Must know how to cook a 'signature dish' that doesn't involve steak.

13. Must know how to rig up a fishing line, including adding a squid jig.

14. Must be able to gut and clean a fish.

15. Must be able to check scary noises at odd times of the night without being scared.

16. Must be able to dispose of house spiders without flinching.

17. Must give compliments without being prompted (preferably to me).

18. Must occasionally give flowers for no reason.

19. Must not have a problem with occasionally wearing pink or purple shirts.

20. Must own a suit (not a tux. If he owns a tux, he must have good reasons as to why he does, ie: having to attend regular formal functions etc.)

21. If he doesn't like sushi, he has to at least have tried it.

22. Has to look cool when smoking a cigarette, even if he doesn't smoke.

23. Must know how to play an instrument (note: he doesn’t have to be able to play it WELL, just to bang out a few notes that aren't accidental)

24. Should know his way around a hardware shop.
And finally, very importantly:

25. Must be able to back a trailer.


Additions to this list are, as always, welcome.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Strange attractions

For some time I have tried to determine what my 'type' is when it comes to men. I have so far been unsuccessful in this endeavour, except for determining that whatever boys my best friend L* finds attractive, I find supremely uninteresting. By that measure it's almost guaranteed that whatever boy she finds repugnant, I will probably be falling over myself to get into bed with.

Anyway, using L as a divining rod to find men hasn't proved all that workable, given that she seems to dislike being grabbed by the ankles and pointed around bars. So instead I offer to you, citizens of the interweb, a list of men (in no particular order) that I am strangely attracted to in the hope that maybe you guys can work it out for me.

1. Tim from The Office


When you leave Dawn, I'll be there to pick up the pieces...


Ah, Tim. 28, Lives still with his mum, no goals, no career amibition, no balls when it comes to picking up women. Be still, my beating heart. Why I have a crush on this character I don't know - I think I'm won over by his sarcastic office antics. And he gave Dawn a really thoughtful secret santa in the Christmas special. Sigh. Yep, I definitely would.

2. Steve-O from Jackass


Spazmo or not, Steve-o is hot.


Ok, so everyone (including me) has a bit of a girl crush on Johnny Knoxville; this is not news. Most guys even think he's hot stuff. But when I'm not lusting after Mr K, I'm all about his sidekick Steve-o. Ok, so he's basically a dickhead - he's wrestled in horse shit, frequently paraded naked in public and had his arse cheeks pinned together. But that ripped body and gravel-ash voice... I can't resist it.

3. Prince


I really don't know why.


Ok, I realise I might have lost a few of you here, but for those that are pressing on - I really don't know why Prince makes my list. I have had a thing for him since I was about seven. So he's incredibly short (I'm almost six foot so this IS potentially a problem), likes tight pants and big hair, and no one really knows what side of the fence he's on. I think this is why I'm drawn to him - he's a SEXUAL ENIGMA. Or maybe I just like purple more than I think.

4. David Bowie in Labyrinth


Again with the big hair...


No no, don't go yet! Really, please stay. I know I'm pushing it with the whole 80s big hair thing, but bear with me. Labyrinth is one of my favourite movies ever; when I was a child I would get mum to rent it for me almost every weekend. I never got sick of it. I'm still not sick of it, actually, I just bought the DVD last week. And again, David Bowie as Jareth was a source of childhood fascination and the confusion of a budding sexuality. I don't know WHAT my fascination with tight pants and big hair was back then, but it's still got a grip on my psyche.

5. The lead singer from Good Charlotte


I don't even know his name.


So anyway, whoever this guy is, I find him strangely attractive. Yes, I know Good Charlotte are a pussy band, but there's something about this guy's strange hair and tatts and puffy lips that fascinates me. It might also be a bit of my 80s makeup fetish rearing its head again. Also the way he dresses up like a corn in the 'I Just Wanna Live' video.

6. Blink 182


Why does the guy on the left have no tatts? What's wrong with him?


Again, I don't know their names, but the guys from Blink 182 appeal to me in a teenage skater-punk sort of way. They're all a bit skinny and they sing like they're whining, but they have tatts and they expose their arses a lot. These guys can slot into the same space on the shelf as Steve-o and Good Charlotte man.

7. Louis Theroux


"Who?" I hear you say.


For those of you unfamiliar with Mr Theroux, he had a TV show on the BBC (and Foxtel) for a while called Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends where he would interview eccentric characters about a particular subject. He is incredibly funny. And rather fucking gorgeous. I'm a sucker for a guy in glasses with a five o'clock shadow. I nursed a crazy infatuation with this man for quite a few seasons of LTWW until he made mention of "his girlfriend back home" in one episode. I was crushed. Still definitely, definitely would.


8. G.O.B from Arrested Development


Not MAGIC, Dad - ILLUSIONS!


For those of you who haven't yet discovered this show, I highly recommend you either get Foxtel's Comedy Channel, or tune in to Channel 7 on Sunday or Monday nights around 11pm (stroke of programming genius there - put the funniest new comedy series on as late as possible on a Sunday night) or just hire the DVDs from Series One and get into it from the start. It's that fucking good. Anyway, why I have a crush on G.O.B, the dim, womanising magician (sorry, ILLUSIONIST), isn't all that clear to me. Perhaps it's MAGIC! He goes in the same category as Tim from The Office.

And finally:

9. Bob Dylan circa 1965-66


It IS you, babe...


This crush started when I was 16, and I discovered how fucking much Subterranean Homesick Blues rocks. What followed was a completely obssessive Dylan phase that lasted several years, wherein I bought every Dylan album, book and poster and anything vaguely related to the man. I even wrote 'PetStarr's Bob Dylan walkman' in liquid paper on the side of my walkman and took it to school with my collection of Dylan tapes. I was, frankly, frightening. I even slept with a guy once because he looked vaguely like him. Ok, perhaps that's giving too much away. Anyway, while I have no attraction to the current version of the guy, Dylan circa 1965-66 still gets me hot. Pale, skinny, pissed off - YES! GIVE IT TO ME, BOB!

Right, so while by no means a definitive list, it's a start. If you can figure out my emotional/sexual problems, please leave a comment. Alternatively, if you are a guy who possesses one or more of the qualities displayed by examples 1-8, please also leave a comment, we can hook up, it'll be nice. (Although if the quality is tight pants and/or big hair, don't bother - I think that might be better in my head than it is in real life).

*name shortened to protect the innocent.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A romantic thing happened on the way to my car...

chick_stuffA boy randomly gave me a red rose tonight on Rundle St.

I have no idea who he was, or what the rose was for, but as I walked past him on the way to my car he reached out and gave it to me.


See, I'm not lying, you bastards.


I just thought that was nice.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

It's time to go: Black Eyed Peas

I haven’t exiled anyone for a while (my last eviction was Wil Anderson, and he’s still refusing to actually go away) so this week I have decided to get rid of the Most Annoying Band on Earth.

“Who?” you ask (because you're too stupid to read the title of this post). Well, there were many contenders vying for this gong, not least of which were Gwen Stefani, The Pussycat Dolls, and Akon. But given two of those were solo artists, not bands, I had to settle for BEP instead. (To be honest, the jury’s still out as to whether The Pussycat Dolls are a band at all, as after many scientific experiments and lab tests, no one seems to be able to determine how many girls are actually in the group.) (Seriously, is that dark haired girl screwing the video director or what? None of the others even get a look in).

Of course it was also hard to overlook the Crazy Frog for this week’s eviction, especially as the bloody thing seems to be on tour at the moment and is lining up an album deal with The Hoff, but when an animation that goes “ba-ding-ding-ding” can feature no less than THREE TIMES on the ARIA singles chart, I feel I should be giving praise, not criticising. After all, some bastard is making lots of money for doing absolutely fuck all, and they get my applause, even if their money maker is making me want to stick a pencil in my eye. (And let’s face it, stupid animations singing “ba-ding-ding-ding” could very well apply to Gorillaz right now, and they’re apparently cool, so you know – perspective, people.)

As a side note: another contender for exile this week (which, if it continues to annoy me, may very well be cause for me to throw my TV into the neighbour's yard quite soon) is that Hungry Jacks ad for the Tandoori Chicken Baguette that goes "Aiee-aiee-aiee-aiee-ahhh OH YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!" about 17 times every adbreak. WHOEVER CREATED THAT AD SHOULD BURN IN HELL.

However, in the end, I have decided that the title of Most Annoying Band on Earth goes to:


Spot the Photoshopped-in band member.


Yes, The Black Eyed Peas. Admit it, they suck.

Now here’s where I make a confession – I used to like BEP. I REALLY liked them. I had Behind the Front and Bridging the Gap and I still think Weekends is one of the best tracks ever. But then SHE came along. That devil woman they call Fergie.

Admittedly when I first heard Fergie was singing with the Black Eyed Peas I thought it was a great idea – she could sing about weight loss, and getting her toes sucked, and being fat, and losing weight, and being ginger, and being fat, and losing weight. But alas, they weren’t getting the former Duchess of Pork to rock freestylee on the mic-ro-phone. We had to settle for this leathery piece of beef jerky with a boob job.

I had hope for the band – ‘Perhaps some chick vocals will be a good thing’, I thought.

And then they released Where is the Love. I’LL TELL YOU WHERE THE LOVE IS, IT’S IN THE TRASH ALONG WITH YOUR REPUTATION, YOU COMMERCIAL BLING-BLING BASTARDS!

Now they’ve released My Humps, a song that is only slightly more annoying than the Hungry Jacks ad for that Tandoori Chicken Baguette.

Sersiously, what the FUCK is this song? I DEFY ANYONE to actually sit through this utter garbage without at least THINKING about killing themselves.

I’m afraid the in-depth lyrics and music craft of BEP might be lost on most listeners, so here’s a simple breakdown of the best bits:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.


Clearly she is a refuse-carrying camel that also provides alcoholic beverages to passers-by. A great franchise idea, by the way, for any entrepreneurs who might be reading this.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps.


She must be some sort of mutant dromedary, as she obviously has more than one hump – the chorus sees her pointing each of them out. Or perhaps BEP were commissioned to write an ad for routine breast checking and the deal didn't work out, so they've just worked the jingle into their new song. Either/or.

I met a girl down at the disco,
She said “Hey, hey, hey, yeah let’s go.”


Great rhyme! And I love how they’ve given this girl a stutter in order that the second line should keep meter with the first. I don’t know where the camel has gone at this point.

I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Lets spend time, not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.


Um, ”riiiight” is right... Actually I’m not even sure about this bit. I think he’s talking about sex. The camel is still absent.

What u gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.


The camel makes a triumphant return! And she’s not going to be lending this guy no donkey, no siree! It’s HER or nothing.

U can look but you can’t touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama


The camel is now pointing out that she is a NIDA graduate, and could easily star in a soap opera if she weren’t currently occupied with refuse collecting and alcohol serving.

Anyway, for writing this stupid, ridiculous, thoroughly boring song, I say: It’s time to go, Black Eyed Peas.

And in closing, this and this.

Word.