RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Nya nya, told you so!

A fairly pathetic excuse for a post really, just to say - I WAS RIGHT! BOOYA! IN YOUR FACE!!11 one one eleven - for picking the final three on Australia's Next Top Mong.

As predicted, Olive Oyl, the scrubber and the impossibly pretty princess are the final contenders in the snatch and grab race to the end of the catwalk.

But who will get there first? Let's reassess:

Jess - dull, but edgy

Sorry, I tried to find some different photos of these girls but it appears that nobody else on the internet gives a shit about this show, and as a consequence, there aren't any.

Come to think of it, why isn't this show more popular? Who could forget last year's winner?


Oh that's right, me.

Anyway, where were we? That's right.

Jess - still dull, but edgy

Jess is everyone's least favourite contestant. Even the judges don't like her much. When she's not whingeing about something she's screwing her face up and moaning about something else. But hey, she takes a great pic, so who gives a shit?

FOR: Tall, striking looks, very "fashiony".
AGAINST: Massive knockers and a big booty. (Well you know, "big" compared to a mosquito.) Also whines a lot.

Eboni - not bad for a scrubber

Eboni is a popular favourite for the win, and it's not going too far to say she's probably the frontrunner at the moment. Tall and lanky with a very versatile look, Eboni's got it goin' awwwwwn.

It's a pity then that her spine is stuffed and she can't hold a pose for more than two seconds. After being involved in some sort of horrific car accident years ago, poor old Ebs is still suffering residual spine damage and every episode has seen her grappling with some new physiological challenge. Unfortunately it took the judges and other contestants about four episodes to work out what the problem was, because of Eboni's atrocious accent.

"Me back's STARFFED."
"Pardon me, Eboni?"
"It's orll garn FARKED, it's FARKIN STARRFED."
"Sorry Ebs, didn't catch that?"
"Oim in PAYYNNN!!"
"Eboni stop talking, this is a photo shoot, dammit."

I would love Eboni to take out the crown, simply because I am evil and would enjoy seeing a story about how she stacked it on the catwalk at Mercedes Fashion Week and had to complete the rest of the show using a frame. Wouldn't THAT be a win for the disableds?

FOR: Tall, dark, sultry, fabulous.
AGAINST: A scrubber from Hobart, almost paraplegic.

Simone - has she GOT a personality?

Do you know - I don't know a bloody thing about Simone, other than that she's very pretty. Not in this photo of course, which (as previously discussed) makes her look like she's melting under some very harsh light.

Ok she's lovely, she really is, but as one of the judges recently remarked - she'd work best in BRIDE TO BE magazine. She's all kittens and silk ribbons and ice cream, is Simone.


Sorry but I want to see Simone get the boot and the two fiery brunettes duke it out to the finish. Actually it might not be much of a battle, given that Eboni is permanently injured and Jess is permanently apathetic.

But as they say in the promos - BRING IT ON!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Jealousy on the green.

Wonder where all the pretty people go on Sunday? I'll give you a hint: it's not church.

Ok, another hint: it's a club.

Lotus Lounge? Zhivago? Supermild?

No, ladies and gentlemen, the new weekend hangout for the slim, beautiful and cool is...the Adelaide lawn bowls club. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

"Fo shizzle, Latitia, you is off da HEEZY today!"
"Damn straight, homeboy."

Yesterday I was invited to a friend's work farewell do at this bangin' new club for an afternoon of beer, bowls and barbecued delights. What to wear? I wondered.

Deciding that I didn't want to look too professional (didn't want to embarrass anyone who wasn't up to speed with this whole 'lawn bowls' thing) I put away my newly-starched bowling skirt and cardigan and left my white bowling hat on the back dash of my car, dressing instead in a more casual skirt and singlet.

Pity that I instead didn't consult my handbook of slutty teenage fashions before venturing out the door, as every other girl in the club clearly had.

It seems I was wrong about the dress code for lawn bowls. No longer the realm of the Dunlop volley and cable-knit sweater-vest, your average bowls club is now a runway for anyone who wants to be a catwalk model and the outfits must involve stilettos, tight jeans, even tighter tops, big sunglasses and big earrings.

The model girls don't seem to play bowls, they just sort of sit around in their outfits drinking wine, or hang out next to the DJ. Or strut past you in their skinny jeans while you wonder where their arses have gone. (Perhaps they ate them in a fit of starvation-induced delirum and they never grew back.) (Or perhaps they cut them off and glued them to their chests, which would explain why all these skinny women seem to have such massive knockers.)

Yes, it is fair to say I am jealous.

The ALB club on a Sunday is, in a nutshell - a great place for men to pick up... and yeah, I think that about covers it.

Although unless you wear a pink polo shirt with the collar up and stupid oversized sunglasses you probably won't get far. So maybe just concentrate on your balls.

Bowling balls, that is.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Coke's marketing department has zero idea...

adver_tisingIt took me a few cans, but I finally came around to Coke Zero. Sure, it might give you brain cancer and it doesn't taste QUITE as good as Diet Coke, but I was won over by the can design and it really does taste good with food.

That was before I discovered what has become my new favourite marketing disaster story - the tragic tale of Coke Zero.

It appears Coke tried to curry favour with hip, cool internet users by pretending to be hip, cool internet users themselves, setting up a fake blog called "The Zero movement" advocating freedom of expression and an anti-mainstream agenda.
Hmm - a worldwide brand telling us to fight homogenised culture? COOL!

Naturally the web found out and Coke were exposed to be the completely uncool company they are, and the whole campaign went tits up in the face of some extremely dodgy TV commercials. Just proves that a viral campaign has to be BLOODY subversive to make it on the web these days - people are just too cynical.

Anyway I can't tell it as well as others have, so I'll just throw some links at you. But lord, it's a good story!

I recommend taking these in order (once daily):

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Shows I'm loving: Australia's Next Top Mong

So I've finally started delving into the tapes my lovely mummy made for me while I was away, and I've decided that I'm loving the new series of Australia's Next Top Model on FOX8. (Ahh, Foxtel, how I miss you.)

I'm up to the second episode and while I'm loving the Aussieness of it (girls getting pissed and pashing each other in the spa, bitching about who left Weetbix in the sink etc.) I have to say - what is with the standard of the finalists? Am I the only one who thinks they're a bit...mongy? I've seen better looking chicks vomiting up Bundy in gutters out the front of suburban pokie halls than on this show.

Ok, maybe that's going a bit far, but let's go over the girls, just for fun:


Sorry, WHAT THE? It's Twiggy on a VERY VERY bad day. I can't even look at this photo without needing a stiff drink. I don't want to be mean but if this is the way modelling is going *I* might as well have a bloody go.


On the left is Sophie's promotional headshot from the official website. On the right is Sophie's attempt at a "fantasy" runway look in the makeup challenge. I don't know which is worse. The curled up lip with the zit on it, the drunken stare, the bad lighting (I guess you can't blame her for that but I will). All aboard for Scarytown!


Madeleine, the 18-year-old hornbag from Sydney. On the website it says she is unemployed - I think that might be because she's too busy holding down various men to hold down a job. I quite like Madeleine actually, she's a bit fiery and does well to piss all the other girls off - when she's out getting her rocks off with Cleo bachelors all the other girls are sitting around bitching about it. Brilliant. But god knows what's going on with this makeup. And her legs are too thick. Sorry mate, you won't win.


Meet Louise, the resident "local girl" whinger. Yes, she's from Adelaide. And she needs to take a chill pill. "I'm ALWAYS cleaning up guys." "Urrr, I don't look good in that photo." "Am I doing this right? All the other girls looked better." "I hate red hair and now I'm a bloodnut." STICK A LIP GLOSS IN YOUR FACE, GIRL, AND SHUT THE HELL UP. Notice how Louise looks absolutely no different in the makeup photo. That's because her fantasy is looking like Louise.


What is it about these photos that make all these girls look like crap? They all look like they're coming down off a 24 hour crack binge and have just smoked their last fag. Anyway this is Hiranthi, the resident "for cultural reasons" whinger: "I don't want to get naked in this photo for cultural reasons", "I won't clean showers for cultural reasons", "I thinkall of you are bitchy and classless...for cultural reasons." Everyone hates Hiranthi. Especially Lara, who shaved off her eyebrow.


Could turn out to be the bitch of the household, it's Lara. Short, stumpy and with an annoying Jessica Alba-ish pout that makes you want to punch her, Lara is quickly becoming the most annoying finalist. She did shave off Hiranthi's eyebrow when she had passed out on the floor, which sort of gains her some points. But then she stuck these feathers on her face and scrunched her hair into an 80s scrubber faux-perm and lost them again.


Jessica is one of my picks for the win - anyone who can look good under that atrocious Olive Oyl bowl-cut deserves some gold stars. Again, the photo on the left looks like it's been taken at the arse-end of a very long session with the crack pipe, but somehow she still pulls it off. The Cleopatra thing on the right, however...


"Oi Sezz - meet ya down at Westfield in tha food court, orright? Yeah babes KFC - see yez there. And tell Gav he still owes me that farkin five bucks orright?"


My second pick for the win - although the photo on the left makes her look like she's suffering at zero Gs on the Gravitron. Her cheeks are about to melt into her ears, somebody stop the ride! And that thing on the right? That's NO ONE'S fantasy, darling.


Surprisingly enough - my main pick for the win. Not that you'd know it from these photos. It's Eboni, the scrubber everyone loves to hate. Not only does she hail from Hobart, but she has a bogan-spelling name and you can't understand a word she says. But she's hot. So as long as she shuts up and doesn't introduce herself, she's fine. She is also the clear winner of the inaugural Bland Canyon Most Disturbing Photograph Award for that nightmare on the right. When this came on the telly I thought I had accidentally tuned into a QUEEN documentary and that Freddie Mercury was about to sing I want to Break Free. Shudder. Eboni - never do this again. And change your name, for god's sake.