Monday, February 13, 2006

Jealousy on the green.

Wonder where all the pretty people go on Sunday? I'll give you a hint: it's not church.

Ok, another hint: it's a club.

Lotus Lounge? Zhivago? Supermild?

No, ladies and gentlemen, the new weekend hangout for the slim, beautiful and cool is...the Adelaide lawn bowls club. Bet you didn't see that one coming.


"Fo shizzle, Latitia, you is off da HEEZY today!"
"Damn straight, homeboy."


Yesterday I was invited to a friend's work farewell do at this bangin' new club for an afternoon of beer, bowls and barbecued delights. What to wear? I wondered.

Deciding that I didn't want to look too professional (didn't want to embarrass anyone who wasn't up to speed with this whole 'lawn bowls' thing) I put away my newly-starched bowling skirt and cardigan and left my white bowling hat on the back dash of my car, dressing instead in a more casual skirt and singlet.

Pity that I instead didn't consult my handbook of slutty teenage fashions before venturing out the door, as every other girl in the club clearly had.

It seems I was wrong about the dress code for lawn bowls. No longer the realm of the Dunlop volley and cable-knit sweater-vest, your average bowls club is now a runway for anyone who wants to be a catwalk model and the outfits must involve stilettos, tight jeans, even tighter tops, big sunglasses and big earrings.

The model girls don't seem to play bowls, they just sort of sit around in their outfits drinking wine, or hang out next to the DJ. Or strut past you in their skinny jeans while you wonder where their arses have gone. (Perhaps they ate them in a fit of starvation-induced delirum and they never grew back.) (Or perhaps they cut them off and glued them to their chests, which would explain why all these skinny women seem to have such massive knockers.)

Yes, it is fair to say I am jealous.

The ALB club on a Sunday is, in a nutshell - a great place for men to pick up... and yeah, I think that about covers it.

Although unless you wear a pink polo shirt with the collar up and stupid oversized sunglasses you probably won't get far. So maybe just concentrate on your balls.

Bowling balls, that is.



4 comments :

  1. did you get to eat any sausages? I had little luck there if you remember...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Or strut past you in their skinny jeans while you wonder where their arses have gone. (Perhaps they ate them in a fit of starvation-induced delirum and they never grew back.) (Or perhaps they cut them off and glued them to their chests, which would explain why all these skinny women seem to have such massive knockers.)
    Yes, it is fair to say I am jealous.


    No ass and silicone-laden ain't my idea of a woman worth being jealous of, but I guess we'll agree to disagree on this one. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I aint be subscribin' to any of dat "baby got back" shizzle... I *like* my bitches wid no ass, yo.

    But yeah... I don't think I'd get far because I think "collars up" is the worst fashion movement since hypercolour pants. I refuse to subscribe to it. Aviators I can deal with - "collars up" I cannot.

    PS: The model girls don't actually play bowls because if they bent over to take a shot, something would tear from over-tightness.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh sure.. the tragic fashionista's have been trying to pull this shit for years.. pick the dorkiest of pastimes and make it cutting edge exclusive ubercool.. ie: knitting clubs, bingo, lawn bowls, croquet (more of an 80's dork rip-off.. could make a comeback), backgammon, model boat racing, badmington, barn dancing.. etc.. etc..

    in the process, we're led to believe they're "like so IRONIC ya?" or even be fooled into thinking they're fiendishly witty and clever..

    the real phenomenon at work here however is quite simply the "if you wanna look thin, hang around SUMO's" syndrome..

    so.. if you wanna look uber cool, find the dorkiest of pastimes and surroundings.. invade it in force, absorb only the face value and misinterpret everything else.. deck y'self in the highest of impractically cutting edge fashion victimisational wear to make you stand out like a sorethumb and BAM! yer "so freaking HOT right now!" *cough*

    actually.. come to think of it, it really begins to explain the whole 80's rehash phenomenon now doesn't it? remember how the 80's used to be the highest level of DORK? now it's flipped 180..

    so, if you ever wanted to be one or two steps ahead.. pick the WORST enemy of "cool" you can now think of.. and THAT will be the next fashion.. trust me on this..

    ReplyDelete