Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Nya nya, told you so!

A fairly pathetic excuse for a post really, just to say - I WAS RIGHT! BOOYA! IN YOUR FACE!!11 one one eleven - for picking the final three on Australia's Next Top Mong.

As predicted, Olive Oyl, the scrubber and the impossibly pretty princess are the final contenders in the snatch and grab race to the end of the catwalk.

But who will get there first? Let's reassess:


Jess - dull, but edgy


Sorry, I tried to find some different photos of these girls but it appears that nobody else on the internet gives a shit about this show, and as a consequence, there aren't any.

Come to think of it, why isn't this show more popular? Who could forget last year's winner?


Um...


Oh that's right, me.

Anyway, where were we? That's right.


Jess - still dull, but edgy


Jess is everyone's least favourite contestant. Even the judges don't like her much. When she's not whingeing about something she's screwing her face up and moaning about something else. But hey, she takes a great pic, so who gives a shit?

FOR: Tall, striking looks, very "fashiony".
AGAINST: Massive knockers and a big booty. (Well you know, "big" compared to a mosquito.) Also whines a lot.



Eboni - not bad for a scrubber


Eboni is a popular favourite for the win, and it's not going too far to say she's probably the frontrunner at the moment. Tall and lanky with a very versatile look, Eboni's got it goin' awwwwwn.

It's a pity then that her spine is stuffed and she can't hold a pose for more than two seconds. After being involved in some sort of horrific car accident years ago, poor old Ebs is still suffering residual spine damage and every episode has seen her grappling with some new physiological challenge. Unfortunately it took the judges and other contestants about four episodes to work out what the problem was, because of Eboni's atrocious accent.

"Me back's STARFFED."
"Pardon me, Eboni?"
"It's orll garn FARKED, it's FARKIN STARRFED."
"Sorry Ebs, didn't catch that?"
"Oim in PAYYNNN!!"
"Eboni stop talking, this is a photo shoot, dammit."
"GARRAGHHHHH!"


I would love Eboni to take out the crown, simply because I am evil and would enjoy seeing a story about how she stacked it on the catwalk at Mercedes Fashion Week and had to complete the rest of the show using a frame. Wouldn't THAT be a win for the disableds?

FOR: Tall, dark, sultry, fabulous.
AGAINST: A scrubber from Hobart, almost paraplegic.



Simone - has she GOT a personality?



Do you know - I don't know a bloody thing about Simone, other than that she's very pretty. Not in this photo of course, which (as previously discussed) makes her look like she's melting under some very harsh light.

Ok she's lovely, she really is, but as one of the judges recently remarked - she'd work best in BRIDE TO BE magazine. She's all kittens and silk ribbons and ice cream, is Simone.

PARDON ME WHILE I THROW UP.

Sorry but I want to see Simone get the boot and the two fiery brunettes duke it out to the finish. Actually it might not be much of a battle, given that Eboni is permanently injured and Jess is permanently apathetic.

But as they say in the promos - BRING IT ON!



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