Sunday, February 05, 2006

Shows I'm loving: Australia's Next Top Mong

So I've finally started delving into the tapes my lovely mummy made for me while I was away, and I've decided that I'm loving the new series of Australia's Next Top Model on FOX8. (Ahh, Foxtel, how I miss you.)

I'm up to the second episode and while I'm loving the Aussieness of it (girls getting pissed and pashing each other in the spa, bitching about who left Weetbix in the sink etc.) I have to say - what is with the standard of the finalists? Am I the only one who thinks they're a bit...mongy? I've seen better looking chicks vomiting up Bundy in gutters out the front of suburban pokie halls than on this show.

Ok, maybe that's going a bit far, but let's go over the girls, just for fun:


Sorry, WHAT THE? It's Twiggy on a VERY VERY bad day. I can't even look at this photo without needing a stiff drink. I don't want to be mean but if this is the way modelling is going *I* might as well have a bloody go.


On the left is Sophie's promotional headshot from the official website. On the right is Sophie's attempt at a "fantasy" runway look in the makeup challenge. I don't know which is worse. The curled up lip with the zit on it, the drunken stare, the bad lighting (I guess you can't blame her for that but I will). All aboard for Scarytown!


Madeleine, the 18-year-old hornbag from Sydney. On the website it says she is unemployed - I think that might be because she's too busy holding down various men to hold down a job. I quite like Madeleine actually, she's a bit fiery and does well to piss all the other girls off - when she's out getting her rocks off with Cleo bachelors all the other girls are sitting around bitching about it. Brilliant. But god knows what's going on with this makeup. And her legs are too thick. Sorry mate, you won't win.


Meet Louise, the resident "local girl" whinger. Yes, she's from Adelaide. And she needs to take a chill pill. "I'm ALWAYS cleaning up guys." "Urrr, I don't look good in that photo." "Am I doing this right? All the other girls looked better." "I hate red hair and now I'm a bloodnut." STICK A LIP GLOSS IN YOUR FACE, GIRL, AND SHUT THE HELL UP. Notice how Louise looks absolutely no different in the makeup photo. That's because her fantasy is looking like Louise.


What is it about these photos that make all these girls look like crap? They all look like they're coming down off a 24 hour crack binge and have just smoked their last fag. Anyway this is Hiranthi, the resident "for cultural reasons" whinger: "I don't want to get naked in this photo for cultural reasons", "I won't clean showers for cultural reasons", "I thinkall of you are bitchy and classless...for cultural reasons." Everyone hates Hiranthi. Especially Lara, who shaved off her eyebrow.


Could turn out to be the bitch of the household, it's Lara. Short, stumpy and with an annoying Jessica Alba-ish pout that makes you want to punch her, Lara is quickly becoming the most annoying finalist. She did shave off Hiranthi's eyebrow when she had passed out on the floor, which sort of gains her some points. But then she stuck these feathers on her face and scrunched her hair into an 80s scrubber faux-perm and lost them again.


Jessica is one of my picks for the win - anyone who can look good under that atrocious Olive Oyl bowl-cut deserves some gold stars. Again, the photo on the left looks like it's been taken at the arse-end of a very long session with the crack pipe, but somehow she still pulls it off. The Cleopatra thing on the right, however...


"Oi Sezz - meet ya down at Westfield in tha food court, orright? Yeah babes KFC - see yez there. And tell Gav he still owes me that farkin five bucks orright?"


My second pick for the win - although the photo on the left makes her look like she's suffering at zero Gs on the Gravitron. Her cheeks are about to melt into her ears, somebody stop the ride! And that thing on the right? That's NO ONE'S fantasy, darling.


Surprisingly enough - my main pick for the win. Not that you'd know it from these photos. It's Eboni, the scrubber everyone loves to hate. Not only does she hail from Hobart, but she has a bogan-spelling name and you can't understand a word she says. But she's hot. So as long as she shuts up and doesn't introduce herself, she's fine. She is also the clear winner of the inaugural Bland Canyon Most Disturbing Photograph Award for that nightmare on the right. When this came on the telly I thought I had accidentally tuned into a QUEEN documentary and that Freddie Mercury was about to sing I want to Break Free. Shudder. Eboni - never do this again. And change your name, for god's sake.


  1. That's fantastic, though I'm even more impressed at what horrors you'll endure for your blog. Eboni? Eek.

  2. I don't want to be mean but if this is the way modelling is going *I* might as well have a bloody go.


    I've read your blog. I've seen your photos. You're beautiful. These women are not. And you are far, far, FAR more beautiful than these chicas.

  3. Aw gosh! Pity you're anonymous, you sound nice... :)

    PS: Valentines cards can be emailed to petstarr AT

  4. as much as I can figure.. modelling isn't so much about being hot anymore.. but simply looking suitably space-alien enough to be able to wear all those fuckoff bizarre designs the fashion designers deem them to wear..

    if you've got some freakin' bizarre nose, or eyes that'd scare small children, or a tiny tiny mouth that couldn't eat a pea without some major hydrolics.. then yeah, you TOO can be the next top model..

    and yet.. despite all this.. freakingly hot chicks like Heidi Klum still manages to sneak thru the cracks.. :)

  5. wow.. i dont have fox and havent heard of, nor seen an episode of this show.

    I have to agree with you.

    I've seen better heads on a beer!

  6. i love this show too, jessica is way yuck...that hair is horrid and that nose!!!

  7. An address to send valentine's too? Heh, that seems like crossing the line from simple compliments to web stalking. But may you have a Happy Valentine's Day nonetheless!