Sunday, March 19, 2006

A speed freak's got my Motorola...

misc_rantsFollowing on from the brilliant string of weekends I've had lately (one of which included a spectacular relationship execution) comes one more sad chapter in the tragic life of PetStarr - another Saturday to add to the pile of shitty Saturdays I've been enjoying of late.

After a sensational Friday night of Ying Chow dinner, Lotus Lounge cocktails and Garden of Unearthly Delights beers, accompanied by frequent claims of "Isn't my new mobile phone great? I love it soooo much..." and "Isn't my new mp3 player great? I love it soooo much..." (yes, I think you can probably see where this is going) I went back to the highly unsecure premises of a friend where I promptly passed out...

...only to wake up the next morning to discover that SOME TWUNTING COCKBADGER had removed the screen from the back window, crept in and made off with my handbag (containing aforementioned new phone and mp3 player, in case you didn't work that out) while we were sleeping.

This SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF ARSE also took my mate's new phone and wallet, managing to make off with probably around $2,500 worth of shit. He probably didn't even need headlights to drive home - the blinking dollar signs in his eyes would have lit the way.

Combine this joyous event with an utterly awful hangover (almost up to Nha Trang jam jar standard) and the legal requirement to vote in the state election, and you got one hell of a shitty day.

As I sat outside the polling booth with my lonely fundraiser sausage in bread, suffering from some severe post-beerfest shakes, it ocurred to me that my life at the present moment is rather like a country song. It's lucky that I don't own a dog, because it would surely die at some point within the next week if I did. (I did, however, tell my mum to keep a close eye on hers.)

I think it might possibly go a little something like this (and make up your own tune, it's more fun that way):


My boyfriend left me last Saturday night,
Mumbling something about it not "feeling right",
I was going to ask him why he'd said it
But he said his mobile was out of credit...
He hung up. Oh yeah, he hung up.

So I moseyed on down to a pub in town,
To drink some beer and some sorrows drown,
Sat with a group of bright young things
And noticed they were all wearing rings...
They were engaged. Oh yeah, in a bitter twist of irony they'd all just gotten engaged.

By the next weekend I was feeling alright,
Wanted to go out and party all night.
Got a few beers down at the pub,
And several more rounds at the Fringe Fest club.
By another few beers on Rundle Street
I was struggling to even find my feet,
So I said to my mate "Your place, or mine?"
He said his and that was fine.
We caught a taxi. Oh yeah, we didn't drive drunk, we're good citizens, we caught a taxi.

Woke up in the morning and my bag's been nicked,
Wallet, keys, phone - the whole box of tricks.
Yes, some speed freak's got my Motorola
And if I ever find the cunt he'll be sorry he stole her
No, I don't normally refer to my phone as a she
But it rhymed with Motorola and that suited me.
Yes it rhymed with Motorola and that suited me.

I'll add in the next three inevitable verses when my neighbour's dog dies, I find the love of my life and then lose him to leprosy and then have a car crash, so stay tuned.

Suffice to say after all of this fun I am in a severely foul mood, and have been enjoying Bender-esque moments all weekend, along the lines of "Everyone is a bastard but me" and "Death to all humans".

And in a moment of futility, if anyone knows anyone who recently acquired TWO Motorola RAZR V3 phones (one silver, one black) and a bright orange Creative mp3 player - kick them in the nuts, twice, and then do a citizens' arrest. Alternatively, if anyone knows a skank with a dodgy boyfriend who has recently acquired a new-but-not gold vinyl sack-style handbag with a silver buckle, break her face and report them both to the police.

I only hope I can continue to serve Adelaide's blog reading community forever by enjoying such an unlucky existence. Love to you all.

Another one bites the dust in less than 6 months...
Some girls just get all the luck.

Like this, but orange...


  1. from the description you gave of your hideous sounding handbag i think it is best that it is gone.

    maybe it was that ugly sack that was holding you back.

    yes that rhymes and yes you can add that to your song :)

  2. Thanks for your sympahty, Matt.

    It was a BLOODY GREAT handbag, and now that I think about it was more bronze than gold.

  3. I like your song :)
    My Dad's a massive fan of country music, I bet I could fool him into thinking I heard it on the Country Music Channel.
    Hopefully your luck changes - my boyfriend has this (sometimes annoying) thing where ha says "There's the same amount of good and bad things in one day ... it all balances out."* So looks like you're gonna have a few good weekends, maybe?

    *he doesn't like it much when he's having a bad day and I say it to him though!

  4. well bronze is the 3rd place in the world of handbags.

    gold for australia!

  5. I buy mobile phones like I buy pairs of sunglasses... buy em cheap, and dodgy as possible, so when you lose them or break them it's no big deal.

    PetStarr, this is the society of the disposable everything. That includes useless boyfriends, handbags of questionable style, and political parties without direction.

    I'm sure you don't need to be told all this. Dodgy is probably all you can afford after being ripped off so badly.

    Pity you can't go back to Thieves Market in Hanoi and pick up a sparkling new Suny mobile.

  6. whats goin doooowaaaaaan (down)

  7. It's a shame you weren't in town today. You could have gone to the Optus shop and gotten a phone deal leaflet from the girl dressed up in the spandex hot pants and crop top set with matching knee high black boots. Nothing says exploitative workplace like the Clipsal! Vroom!

  8. Theiving bastards! But seriously, you left your bag in your car overnight??? Feck me, In sydney you risk your life just carrying your bag around, let alone leaving it unsupervised in a car.
    Theiving fuckers are everywhere!

  9. Came here through I talk 2 much....funny entries...I like your content.

  10. Dude it wasn't in a car! It was in the living room of my mate's place! So perhaps Adelaide's getting rougher than Sydney? nahh....

  11. Hey Mike - thanks for letting me know about I asked them months ago to review my blog and I never thought they'd get round to it. I knew I'd get slaps for the template - but who can be bothered with a redesign?