Monday, March 06, 2006

Welcome to Dumpsville, population: PetStarr

In a stunning conclusion to the series of breakups that I have endured over my last three relationships, I have once again been unceremoniously dumped by my latest beau on the opening weekend of the Adelaide Festival of Arts, thereby ending a hat trick of dumpings which can truly only be admired for their similarity and overwhelming patheticness.


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The first dumping, in 2002, was almost mutual and quite endurable. The second, in 2004, was an out-of-the-blue-are-you-kidding-me-it's-over-where-the-fuck-did-this-come-from complete shock to the system. (However I later discovered this guy was a complete and utter twunt, so in hindsight it was definitely a good thing.) The latest dumping continues along those lines, being a bolt-from-the-blue style relationship execution, cruelly handed down via phone on Saturday night.

Hey, at least it wasn't via sms:

U R DUMPD
ITS OVA
NOT U = ME


At any rate, being somewhat a veteran of surviving dumpings during a festive period (Christmas, Valentine's Day, the Festival of Arts - I've had my heart broken at all of them) I thought I'd put together a Practical Chick's Guide to surviving a boy tragedy when everyone around you is having a rocking good time. After reading this simple set of instructions you'll be able to depress everyone around you, bringing them all down to your level of misery so you won't feel so alone, SO, SO INCREDIBLY ALONE.

Ahem.

1. Location, location, location.


When being publicly dumped at a festival, gathering or concert, remember that location is everything. You want to maximise your own personal tragedy to gain the sympathy of others and turn the world against your bastard unfeeling ex boyfriend. At the very least you'll be centre of attention for a while. Try to position yourself in the middle of a large group of people, preferably still, quiet ones who are watching a performance like say, oh, I don't know, The Dancing Sky. Then cry. The people around you can all steal furtive glances and wonder what's going on - it will give them a thrill. Admittedly, finding a good location can be difficult if you're the victim of an "ambush dump", but try to keep the mood going until you're somewhere good enough to stage a performance.

2. "I'd like to thank the Academy...."


Once you've got your location sorted, it's time to let rip with a real Oscar-winning performance. Think Gwynnie when she realised she had no boobs to fill out that pink Ralph Lauren number, and turn on the waterworks, girl. You'll be amazed at how good it feels, particularly when strangers start turning to you and offering you tissues. And is that mascara running down your cheek? Excellent work.


Her parents are probably right though.


3. Just add alcohol.


After a while of this you may start to forget why you're crying in the first place (particularly if it was only a short relationship) so it's probably time to refill the tank. Grab the nearest waiter and start on the red wine. In no time at all you'll be back on the misery horse, usually accompanied by bouts of Tourettes. You'll be blubbing away and wailing at your friends about how unfair life is and how good you and your ex were together, if only he wasn't such a DICKHEAD, but really he was the only man you've ever loved, that ARSEHOLE, what's his GOD DAMN PROBLEM, you had such fun together, that COCKHEAD....

4. All the small things.


By now you've probably brought down the mood around you considerably, and succeeded in making your ex look like the bastard he is, which means that for now, you've won. Until you stumble home to bed (or home to someone else's bed, which requires an entirely different set of instructions) you might want to find bitter points of irony to harp on about to increase the tragedy level of the situation. Good examples include:

  • "I'm still sick from the cold he gave me... The cold lasted longer than the relationship. WAAAA!"


  • "I only saw that 'He's Just Not That Into You' book on sale in the shop the other day, and congratulated myself for not needing it. WAAAA!"


  • "I'd only just hung up the phone from telling my girlfriend how good the relationship was going when he called and dumped me. WAAAA!"


That should get you through the first night at least. And hey, feel free to put in repeat performances at different venues - during the Festival of Arts this is eminently possible, given the amount of shows on all around town. Who's going to recognise you as the same girl crying at the last gig he went to? And if you do get recognised, you can just pretend you found a new man in the meantime and got dumped again.

And if you need more advice in your life, check out my Practical Chick's Guide to Attending a Cricket Match. Should be really useful now that footy season's started.



9 comments :

  1. Of course it's sad, Petstarr. Sorry to hear the news.

    But it looks like you've worked out that he's just not worth it.

    There was vegie curry on sale at The Dancing Sky. A thrown korma is a dumper's worst nightmare.

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  2. Doh! I'm sorry.

    Better sooner than later, though, I suppose ... being strung along suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

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  3. What's wrong with people? Don't they understand break ups are supposed to occur in private, in bland surroundings, and above all, in person?

    What excuse did he give you for needing to call instead of speak properly?

    What a rotter.

    Perhaps you should have read this before embarking on your ill fated relationship...

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  4. He's probably waiting for a good Italian virgin who he can take home to mama. He don't know what he's missing. You'll just have to find yourself a porn star and life will be sweet... love ya babe

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  5. best to be careful with those public displays of weeping rejection.. especially during festival time.. if yer not too careful, they might become really popular with the crowds and you'll have an official event on ya hands..

    coz hey, how else do ya think some standup comedians get their start in life? :)

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  6. look at it this way, your readers like you bitter and pissed. we dont want to hear you gushing about some great guy you are in love with. how boring! i for one hope the dumping continues from a purely selfish point of view so i can continue to read lovely stories from someone as cantankerous as me.

    sure it sucks to live it, but its great to read about it happening to others.

    cheers lady!

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  7. Beautiful Petra, you're welcome to borrow my copy of "He's Just Not...".

    I've highlighted the relevant bits, and indexed them on a spreadsheet.

    Just ignore the ice cream and salty tears of despair stains on the pages.

    :)

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  8. more entries!
    enough wallowing!

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  9. When he realises how much of wanker he is and tries to either get you back, or get laid - DONT answer your phone. Even better, delete his number to avoid those late night drunken 'why did you dump me calls?"

    Fake dignity if you're not sure you've got your own yet.

    Hang in there..

    oh, you've been tagged on my blog :)

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