adver_tisingmisc_rantsI'm just going to put my foot down and come right out and say it - WE HAVE TOO MUCH CHOICE THESE DAYS AND IT'S DOING MY HEAD IN.
Decaf? Half caf? Sugar? Sweetener? Upsize? Sauce on the side?
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! I don't need a thousand options for EVERYTHING. I'll tell you what I require lots of choice in: cheese, boyfriends and television programs. Everything else I can pretty much cope with only having three or four selections.
Nowhere is our society's ridiculous abundance of choice more apparent than in the toothpaste aisle of your local supermarket. Whitening, extra whitening, extra whitening with baking soda, with fluoride, without fluroide, extra protection, 24 hour protection - WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Aren't there only two brands anyway - Colgate and Macleans? (I'm not counting AIM because everyone knows only cheapskates buy it and you might as well chew a Juicy Fruit instead).
I don't understand all the micro-divisions in the different toothpastes on offer. What is the difference between "24 hour protection" and "advanced protection"? Does the one with fluoride only protect your teeth for 22 hours? And what sort of protection can a toothpaste provide anyway?
"It's ok baby, I use Colgate!"
If only they'd used Macleans...
Another supermarket sector in which I think we're all getting just a few too many options is the snack aisle - in particular, the chip section.
Back in the day there was plain, chicken, barbecue, salt and vinegar and if you were REALLY getting fancy, cheese and onion. THAT was it. And we were happy. Now look at it - "Greek fetta and herb", "Italian tomato and basil", "chicken, thyme and lemon" for god's sake. Not to mention my most hated, "honey baked ham". Shudder.
Chicken isn't just chicken anymore, it's "herb roasted chicken". Forget cheese and onion, you're more likely to find "bocconcini and chives". And what the HELL is up with "Heinz Big Red Tomato Sauce & Meat Pie" flavour? WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT A GOD DAMN PIE?
All of this, of course, pales in comparison to the horrors of UK brand Walkers' range, which includes "lamb and mint", "pickled onion", "Marmite yeast extract" and my personal favourite, "prawn cocktail". (With all of the weird flavours coming out here at the moment, god knows why no one's come up with a Vegemite flavoured chip yet, but I'm sure it's on the way.)
Who buys these poncy flavours? I thought the only people who actually bought chips at the supermarket were stoned teenagers, fat people and overworked mums (who buy those massive garbage-sized bags with about 55 smaller bags in them "to put in the kids' lunches"). Surely no part of this demographic could be tempted by the "Postcards From The Mediterranean" flavour range. (And no, I'm not making that up.)
I think the people who buy "Thai lime and ginger" flavoured chips are the same donuts who buy "Beef topped with Shitake Mushrooms" or "Gourmet Beef with Vegetable Medley" for their chihuahuas (again, I'm not making this up) and wear pink polo shirts with the collars turned up.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
PS: the Star Wars Kid has won a lawsuit! Fancy that.
PPS: Did anyone hear my Friday F***wit nomination get a guernsey on Jay and the Doctor on April 28? I nominated my salad of disappointment and apparently they found it rather funny. Guess my 5 minutes of fame is now officially up.