RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Dumb waiters

Having spent several years of a former life waitressing in various establishments, I admit, I'm very fussy when it comes to restaurant service. I know how things should be done, and I get a bit tetchy when things are done wrong. Things guaranteed to really piss me off include:

  • Removing people's plates while others are still finishing their meals
  • Waiting ages to take a drink order
  • Not knowing the specials off by heart (it's what, FOUR THINGS? Come ON guys, it's not Shakespeare)
  • Not knowing how dishes are prepared, or what they're served with
  • Bringing out dishes before they're ALL ready to go, so one person ends up without a plate in front of them for 10 minutes while everyone else is staring at their food
I could go on, but instead I'll tell you about last night's dining experience with the wackiest waiter I've ever encountered.

My friend Mr M and I decided to try out a place we'd never been before, which ended up being Esca in that god forsaken, windy hell hole they call Holdfast Shores. If you've ever managed to do a lap of that place without freezing your arse off I commend you on your super-thermo abilities. Even in the height of summer it's like the fucking Antarctic. Every time you get up from your table you feel like saying "I may be some time..."

Anyway last night was no exception, given that it was about minus two anyway (despite this there was the usual quota of inappropriately dressed, hypothermic girls queueing outside the Grand) so the warmth of Esca was quite welcome. But then things got weird.

ME: We'll have a bottle of the D'Arenberg High Trellis cab sav, please.
ODD WAITER: Hang on hang on, I'll have to write that down cos I'm not very good with wine and I've already got a wine order in my head from someone else.
ME: Riiiight. So, a bottle of the D'Arenberg High Trellis cab sav, thanks.
ODD WAITER: Hmm... Do you reckon I'll be able to find it if I just write down 'D'Arenberg cab sav'?
ME: Umm...

YOU'RE THE WAITER, YOU TELL ME! Fortunately, our super sleuth managed to track down the wine, triumphantly presenting it to us at our table. I thought he might have been waiting for a certificate or a pat on the head, but I think he was just happy to have found it.

ODD WAITER: See, I found it!
ME: Yay.
He then tried to open the bottle with the foil cutter, before realising it was actually a screw cap, and declaring "I told you I was no good with wine!"

Sorry, how much are we paying for this again?

Anyway he then made the mistake of asking if we knew about the specials, and we didn't, which was quite the coincidence because neither did he.

ODD WAITER: There's soup of the day, and then there's something with this really tiny pasta called granelli or something like that, I'd never heard of it before, and... I'll just go get my pad, hang on.
He returned with a sheet of scribble, and then felt it necessary to explain that it wasn't actually HIS pad, which is what he had been looking for, but one he had borrowed from ANOTHER waiter, which was a good thing because he didn't know WHERE his pad had gone, and he hoped he could find it before the night was over.


ODD WAITER: Ok so that pasta is gemelli, and it's really crazy cos you can SEE through it. It's weird. I'd never heard of it before. Oh and there was another pasta I'd never heard of before I came here, what was that again... TAGLIATELLI. That's it. Have you guys heard of that?
Reader, I shit you not. This guy works in an Italian restaurant serving pasta dishes for $29 and he thinks tagliatelli is exotic. No one tell him about gelati, his brain might explode!

If you want a review of the food - it wasn't all that special. If I'm paying $23 for gnocchi, I don't want to find bits of bone and fat in the veal ragu. Unacceptable. Mr M's scotch fillet looked nice, if overcooked, but the goats cheese mash that sounded so good on the menu was quite flavourless and disappointing. The total was $96 for two mains, a shared bread entree and a bottle of wine.

Not exceptional value, still, the odd waiter show was completely free. Because we didn't tip him. Ha ha ha.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Tiida is turning (my stomach)

adver_tisingIt's taken me a while to get around to posting something on the ads for the new Nissan Tiida, the car that makes you come, seeing as the campaign was released on February 1. But I was leafing through an old WHO mag the other day and I saw a print ad for this snazzy little car featuring Kim Cattrall (otherwise known as that slapper from Sex and the City that everyone pretends to love because she's EMPOWERED) and it moved me to write something here in the BC.

For those who haven't seen the print ad, it looks something like this:

Which of course prompted me to yell: HASN'T EVERYBODY? I mean really, if you haven't seen Kim Cattrall's pink bits by now, you're in the minority.

But apparently she's not talking about her muff, she's referring to her new car, the Nissan Tiida, which is bluer, shinier, and (arguably) a bit bigger.

Kim Cattrall sits on her big, fat Tiida

The print ad follows a similar line to the TV spots which, to be honest, border on soft porn. In fact if you slowed them down and put some cheesy music in the background I reckon they actually WOULD pass for porn in a cheap motel.

The first one sees a breathless Kim Cattrall inside a car dealer (note that I am resisting the urge to make any jokes about the car dealer being in Kim Cattrall) banging on about her Tiida (again, resisting) in the most explicit terms she can muster.

"Ah! That was amazing, absolutely fabulous!" she coos.

"I mean the great body and the way you moved it - why didn’t you tell me it was so big? I just wasn’t prepared for it. You know what? I think I’m ready to go again. Coming?"

Did you get the subtle innuendo there, dear reader? Or are you still bleeding from where they beat you about the head with it?

Another ad sees Cattrall simulating an orgasm as she drives her Tiida over a speed hump, and one more has her gasping down the phone to her friend about the "ride of her life".

But perhaps the most objectionable is the latest commercial, which doesn't actually even feature Cattrall (so clearly Nissan ran out of money). A Tiida pulls up to the kerb and four men step out, looking a bit dazed, when a woman's hand picks up a tie off the front seat, chucks it out the window at them, and speeds away.

Did you get that, gentle reader? No? Well, I think we're supposed to think that SHE FUCKED ALL FOUR MEN IN THE BACK OF HER TIIDA. Get it now? See how clever that idea is?

Seriously, just WHO do Nissan think they're marketing to with this one? I don't care how sexually liberated a woman feels, when girls are playing the "Which Sex and the City character are you?" game, NO ONE wants to be Samantha. Sure she's funny, but she's an old, sex-mad slapper. And why would anyone want to buy a car that essentially says "I am an old, sex-mad slapper"?

According to the marvellous Duncan's TV blog, the agency's marketing plan identifies the focus target as "a 30 something person (female skew) who leads a life balanced between settling into their career and an active and enjoyable social calendar - most likely in an established relationship but without children."

"Active and enjoyable social calendar", that'd account for those four blokes in the backseat then.

"Most likely in an established relationship" - really? So we're not actually supposed to BE an old, sex-mad slapper, we're supposed to FANTASISE about being one.

And without children? Be prepared for THAT to change if you get into a Tiida (as men have no doubt said for centuries). Seems you can't even drive one to the shops without needing to change your undies.

I guess I'll file this posting next to my Crap Ad Countdown and alongside my Jila commercial critique and my rant about sex in advertising...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

World's worst celebrity lookalikes

I've never understood the concept of the celebrity lookalike agency. I mean I understand what they do as a business - hire people who look like famous people and then send them to parties and things. But what I don't get is WHO BOOKS THESE PEOPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE? What nobhead decides to throw a party and then thinks "Wow, wouldn't it be COOL if Robbie Williams could come? Aww but I don't have his number. I KNOW - I'll invite someone who LOOKS like Robbie Williams - that'll be great!"

At any rate, these agencies exist all over the world so they must be tapping a market somewhere. But one would assume that to be successful in this business, you'd have to have lookalikes that actually LOOK LIKE the celebrity in question.

Let me introduce you to UK agency Splitting Images - apparently "home of the largest selection of celebrity lookalikes, famous doubles and professional impersonators in the UK". I'd suggest that while they might have the LARGEST selection, it's not quite the BEST selection.

Here's Samuel L Jackson:

Royale with cheese...

Sorry, but clearly that's just a black guy in a hat. With golf clubs. Is Samuel L Jackson known for playing golf? Maybe this guy doubles as Tiger Woods and was caught between costume changes.

The slapper from down the road? No, it's...

...Pamela Anderson! No really. She's blonde, she has tits, sure she's Pamela Anderson. All I can say is it's lucky her hair is covering half her face (although clearly not the bad half).

Guess who?

Ok I'll give you one guess to work out who this is. Nah, fuck it, you'll never guess. Apparently it's Angelina Jolie. I'd say it's more like a nightmare. If you're having a party and you want a nightmare to come along, this is your girl.

There's something about Mary...that this woman doesn't have

I think the conversation that led this woman to think she looked like Cameron Diaz was held in the front bar of the local, and went like this:

DRUNK MAN: Oi Gaz, I so AM going to get a shag tonight, check out that bird over there. She's all mine.
OTHER DRUNK MAN: Gawwww garn then! Pull a move.
DRUNK MAN: OI LOVE! Anyone ever told you you look EXACTLY like Cameron Diaz?
If she's Cameron Diaz, I'm Nicole Kidman.

Oh hang on...

No wait, SHE'S Nicole Kidman. After she got in a horrific helicopter accident and had to undergo radical cranio facial surgery and then put on 20 kilos from the hospital food.

How many wigs must a man put on...

Regular readers of the BC will know that I love Bob Dylan. THIS is not Bob Dylan. This is a cross between Peter Brady and Leo Sayer. On a BAD day.

Spoke too soon...

Actually it seems THIS is Leo Sayer. Sorry, but has this guy put ANY effort into looking like Leo at all? You make me feel like dancing? Braces over coloured t shirts? Big big hair? Ringing any bells, mate?


Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to possibly the worst celebrity lookalike you'll ever see - Louise Bezzina as Kelly Osbourne. I don't know about you, but I've never seen Kelly out and about with talcum powder all over her face. Cocaine maybe, but she has the decency to wipe it off before she steps out of the cubicle.

And finally:

Hey little boy, want some candy?

YES a lookalike that actually LOOKS LIKE a famous person! Go Splitting Images! But I'd hate to think what kind of gigs this guy gets hired out to. You'd think if your main line of work was looking like Gary Glitter, you might want to consider going back to uni.

I guess he could always get a job as Gary's alibi.

The onslaught has begun...

misc_rantsI TOLD you the 90s were coming back, didn't I? DIDN'T I?

Well NOW look what's happened: THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

I warned you. The terror has begun.

PS: BOO, HISS to Triple J's Sunday afternoon seat warmer, Gaby Brown, who RUINED MY SUNDAY NIGHT by blabbing who won Eurovision today. A POX ON YOUR HOUSE AND DAMN YOUR EYES, YOU CLOTH-EARED BINT. But I'm still going to dress up like Nana Mouskouri.

Monday, May 15, 2006

A snapshot of my CD shelf

YES! My day in the sun is finally here. I am proud to announce that the BC comes up FIRST, not second - FIRST - in the Google search for "Keira Knightley's feet". Not only that, but for "Keira Knightley's teeth" as well. (And yes, I still get about 8 people a week surfing through here on those two.)

Oh joy of joys. To celebrate: a look at my CD collection.

If you want to try out this extremely fun time-wasting tool for yourself, clickity clickity right here.

Beware, it will hold your attention for hours and your dinner may burn in the oven. Not that mine did.

PS: yes, I am aware there is a Justin Timberlake record in there. Shut up.