And I thought - that's a great idea, I'll nick it.
In all the excitement my friend managed to get away, but it was ok because I realised later I'd run out of tomato sauce anyway.
So, I present to you the following list of humiliation:
10. Live - Lightning Crashes
When Throwing Copper first came out, I was 14, and my friend had a copy, and we played it over and over. That was then. This is now. The kind of now where Live suck and Lightning Crashes sucks the hardest. The kind of now where Lightning Crashes has been moved to the playlist of the radio station whose tagline is "the best of the 70s, 80s and 90s" and whose primary demographic is the over 35s market. The kind of now where owning an mp3 copy of Lightning Crashes could very well be a criminal offence. Worse than this, I also have Iris, I Alone and All Over You. It's all downhill from here. (Although I will confess that All Over You is great to sing in the car or shower)(It's still crap though)
9. Danni Minogue - Put the Needle On It
I might get off scott free here, as it's possible no one in the world will remember this tragic little release from 2003. If you do remember it, it's probably because of the lyric "dirty hands, I demand", the plain English translation of which eludes me. To be honest, I still kind of dig the bassline of this track, which is very clubby and is great to slut-dance to when you're drunk. But if I was having a party and this song accidentally came on, the music snob in me would die from embarrassment.
8. Jason Mraz - The Remedy
Ahh, remember those early years of the new millenium? Those heady, post Y2K days when everyone was dancing around like Michael Stipe on crack to neo-folk songs with too many lyrics per bar, praising the return of the acoustic guitar? Thank Christ they didn't last. The Remedy is a classic example of that time. And while we've got this manila folder open, you can also file anything by The Barenaked Ladies in there. Who? Yeah, they died when the trend did. Although the Jon Butler Trio is still hanging in there, aren't they? Bless.
7. Craig David - 7 Days
It's the same old story - boy meets girl on Monday, takes her for a drink on Tuesday, then shags her senseless from Wednesday through Sunday before stopping for a rest. So sweet. Craig David was probably better known for his sculpted facial hair than his music, but for some reason I liked this song enough to buy the album, Born To Do It. To do what? Make crap music, I guess. Anyway, to my credit, I bought the CD from Kmart, took it home and copied it, returned it and got my money back. Actually, I'm not sure that IS to my credit. Store credit, anyway.
6. Bel Biv Devoe - Gangsta
Bel Biv Devoe were like the Backstreet Boys of hip hop in the mid 90s. They tried to come off all cool and street smart, but they were just too clean. I'd like to admit here that I still think Gangsta is a good song (as is Poison), especially for the lyric "She's the pretty in pink that makes you think, she wears gold, silk and even mink, but if she catches you with another lover - BOOM, you're a dead muthaf*cka". Except the last word was shortened to "muvvhhhh" so the kiddies wouldn't be upset.
5. The Superman Lovers - Starlight
With the exception of Daft Punk and the Chemical Brothers, dance tracks always have bad music videos. They either look like they were made in 1992 on a Sega Megadrive, or they just miss the mark completely and are bizarre. This one was no exception, which had an ugly rat-like creature trying to score a record deal on another planet. It made me hate the song. Then I realised it was a shit song anyway, so I wasn't so upset.
4. Will Smith - Getting Jiggy Wid It
3. Tony Hawks - Stutter Rap
I was eight when this song came out, and I loved it. I also thought it was by the Beastie Boys, so clearly I can plead insanity here. I recently downloaded it to relive the memories, and discovered they were memories I could do without. I forgot to delete it, and so it stays there, waiting for the day I hold a "nerd" or "80s" or "one hit wonders" party and get to play it and impress everyone.
2. Quad City DJs - Come On Ride the Train
We're getting into the business end of things here. This one is a REAL embarrassment. Come On Ride the Train was black america's answer to The Macarena, a crap song with a crap dance attached that was sweeping the world in 1997. Ever keen to help the black american crap dance cause, Oprah Winfrey had the group on her show, showing off the song and teaching everyone how to do the CRAZY, FAR OUT, REAL GONE new dance craze, "the train". Strangely enough, it never caught on.
Which only leaves us with the most embarrassing song I own:
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Turtle Power
To my absolute and utter horror, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie soundtrack was the first album I ever bought. On tape. And I LIKED it. Even I want to punch myself right now. It was 1990 and the world was at the height of Turtlemania, and Rafael was my favourite. A red bandana, spiky handheld forks and attitude - my dream man. At any rate, none of that excuses the fact that this song is utter, UTTER crap, and is almost totally impossible to listen to - but it does get people on the dancefloor at parties. After a considerable amount of vodka.