Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The 10 most embarrassing songs on my hard drive

So I had my friend for dinner last night, and just as I was about to make the first cut into his juicy, tender thigh he screamed "NOOOO! There's this hilarious video blog I want you to see first!" So I put down my cutlery and logged in to Youtube and watched this ultra crap vid of a girl who calls herself "filthywhore" talking about the 10 most embarrassing songs on her hard drive. And lip synching really badly to them.

And I thought - that's a great idea, I'll nick it.

In all the excitement my friend managed to get away, but it was ok because I realised later I'd run out of tomato sauce anyway.

So, I present to you the following list of humiliation:

10. Live - Lightning Crashes

When Throwing Copper first came out, I was 14, and my friend had a copy, and we played it over and over. That was then. This is now. The kind of now where Live suck and Lightning Crashes sucks the hardest. The kind of now where Lightning Crashes has been moved to the playlist of the radio station whose tagline is "the best of the 70s, 80s and 90s" and whose primary demographic is the over 35s market. The kind of now where owning an mp3 copy of Lightning Crashes could very well be a criminal offence. Worse than this, I also have Iris, I Alone and All Over You. It's all downhill from here. (Although I will confess that All Over You is great to sing in the car or shower)(It's still crap though)

9. Danni Minogue - Put the Needle On It

I might get off scott free here, as it's possible no one in the world will remember this tragic little release from 2003. If you do remember it, it's probably because of the lyric "dirty hands, I demand", the plain English translation of which eludes me. To be honest, I still kind of dig the bassline of this track, which is very clubby and is great to slut-dance to when you're drunk. But if I was having a party and this song accidentally came on, the music snob in me would die from embarrassment.

8. Jason Mraz - The Remedy

Ahh, remember those early years of the new millenium? Those heady, post Y2K days when everyone was dancing around like Michael Stipe on crack to neo-folk songs with too many lyrics per bar, praising the return of the acoustic guitar? Thank Christ they didn't last. The Remedy is a classic example of that time. And while we've got this manila folder open, you can also file anything by The Barenaked Ladies in there. Who? Yeah, they died when the trend did. Although the Jon Butler Trio is still hanging in there, aren't they? Bless.

7. Craig David - 7 Days

It's the same old story - boy meets girl on Monday, takes her for a drink on Tuesday, then shags her senseless from Wednesday through Sunday before stopping for a rest. So sweet. Craig David was probably better known for his sculpted facial hair than his music, but for some reason I liked this song enough to buy the album, Born To Do It. To do what? Make crap music, I guess. Anyway, to my credit, I bought the CD from Kmart, took it home and copied it, returned it and got my money back. Actually, I'm not sure that IS to my credit. Store credit, anyway.

6. Bel Biv Devoe - Gangsta

Bel Biv Devoe were like the Backstreet Boys of hip hop in the mid 90s. They tried to come off all cool and street smart, but they were just too clean. I'd like to admit here that I still think Gangsta is a good song (as is Poison), especially for the lyric "She's the pretty in pink that makes you think, she wears gold, silk and even mink, but if she catches you with another lover - BOOM, you're a dead muthaf*cka". Except the last word was shortened to "muvvhhhh" so the kiddies wouldn't be upset.

5. The Superman Lovers - Starlight

With the exception of Daft Punk and the Chemical Brothers, dance tracks always have bad music videos. They either look like they were made in 1992 on a Sega Megadrive, or they just miss the mark completely and are bizarre. This one was no exception, which had an ugly rat-like creature trying to score a record deal on another planet. It made me hate the song. Then I realised it was a shit song anyway, so I wasn't so upset.

4. Will Smith - Getting Jiggy Wid It

No comment.

3. Tony Hawks - Stutter Rap

I was eight when this song came out, and I loved it. I also thought it was by the Beastie Boys, so clearly I can plead insanity here. I recently downloaded it to relive the memories, and discovered they were memories I could do without. I forgot to delete it, and so it stays there, waiting for the day I hold a "nerd" or "80s" or "one hit wonders" party and get to play it and impress everyone.

2. Quad City DJs - Come On Ride the Train

We're getting into the business end of things here. This one is a REAL embarrassment. Come On Ride the Train was black america's answer to The Macarena, a crap song with a crap dance attached that was sweeping the world in 1997. Ever keen to help the black american crap dance cause, Oprah Winfrey had the group on her show, showing off the song and teaching everyone how to do the CRAZY, FAR OUT, REAL GONE new dance craze, "the train". Strangely enough, it never caught on.

Which only leaves us with the most embarrassing song I own:

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Turtle Power

To my absolute and utter horror, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie soundtrack was the first album I ever bought. On tape. And I LIKED it. Even I want to punch myself right now. It was 1990 and the world was at the height of Turtlemania, and Rafael was my favourite. A red bandana, spiky handheld forks and attitude - my dream man. At any rate, none of that excuses the fact that this song is utter, UTTER crap, and is almost totally impossible to listen to - but it does get people on the dancefloor at parties. After a considerable amount of vodka.



14 comments :

  1. Craig David used to be fat. Maybe he lost the weight by continuously shagging for four days out of every week, but it does lead you to wonder about the lucky lady that was his personal trainer. At least he immortalised her in song. Which is more than any of us can hope for really, except that Frankie lass who did the 'singback' to that gross thing that sang about her cheating on him and getting crabs or something.

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  2. Oh come on! Ninja Turtles?

    Now if you'd said "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice, that's one thing. Even "Ninja Rap II" would've been more worthy of a mention.

    But the Ninja Turtles theme song? Don't mess with the classics! Hahahaha.

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  3. I serously don't know what you're complaining about, the latter half of that list is fucking gold! 6, 4 and 1 being highlights! And its given me two ideas for stuff to d/l. (I already had T.U.R.T.L.E. Power...)
    You want embarassing? True some of these are left over from ex gf d/ls but still:
    1.Ashley Simpson - LaLa
    2.Blu Cantrell - Breathe
    3.Bob The Builder - Can We Fix It
    4.Bros - I Quit
    5.Good Charlotte - I Just Wanna Live
    6.Hammer - Too Legit To Quit
    7.Rednex - Old Pop In An Oak
    8.Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
    9.Sisquo - The Thong Song
    10.Yazz - The Only Way Is Up
    and I'll never delete them...

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  4. TMNT - OMG! I only had a conversation about them a few weeks ago, and Raphael was my fav too

    Okay, my collection is and not limited to, I'll just give artists:

    - Brittany Spears
    - Billy Idol
    - New Kids on the Block
    - Vanilla Ice
    - Spice Girls
    - MC Hammer
    - Milli Vanili (I hade to proove they existed, thats my story and i'm sticking to it)
    - Earth Wind and Fire
    - Chubby Checker
    - Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

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  5. Great post. Wasn't Stutter rap by Morris Minor & The Majors? At least the version that came out in the UK was...

    Sitting next to me in a box of old cassettes is Shakin' Stevens and even Tracey Ullman and The Wombles.

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  6. Ok, same guy. I geddit.

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  7. three words that never go astray at any kind of party:

    cotton eye joe

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  8. Sorry to disappoint you, but as far as I know Iris was by the Goo Goo Dolls rather than Live. Thankfully I don't own either. I do however, have these following tracks on my computer. Am bloody proud of it too!

    1. Cyndi Lauper - The Goonies R Good Enough
    2. Britney Spears - ...Baby One More Time
    3. Belinda Carlisle - Summer Rain
    4. Haddway - What Is Love?
    5. The Grid - Swamp Thing
    6. Herbie - Right Type Of Mood
    7. tATu - All The Things She Said
    8. Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
    9. Giorgio Moroder and Phil Oakey - Together In Electric Dreams
    10. Dido - Take My Hand

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  9. 1. The Party Boys - He's Gonna Step On You Again
    2. Twenty 4 Seven - Slave to the Music
    3. Cut'N'Move - Give It Up
    4. Warren G. - Regulators
    5. Vitamin C - Graduation Song (Friends Forever)
    6. Shaggy - O Carolina
    7. Nik Fish - The Winner Is (Sydney)
    8. Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love

    I can't finish - I'm laughing too hard

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  11. No, sorry to disappoint YOU, Scootikins.

    Live, Throwing Copper, Track 4: Iris.

    And you say you're a music genius.

    don't believe me?

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  12. That's awesome! Two trite mid-90s US rock bands who both had a track called Iris? Rubbishly brilliant. Well done Petstarr - when it comes to radio offal from that era it is obvious that you are a leader among men. I am a mere aural savage when it comes to American sap from those time obviously - I can't tell my Watchmen from my Wallflowers, my Third Eye Blind from my Semisonic. In that period of my life my head was on the other side of the Atlantic - I was listening to The Verve instead of The Verve Pipe, so to speak.

    Forget the fact that the crime wave was high, with muggings mysterious, all police and detectives are furious that they can't find the source of this lethally evil force, I have to admit that Petstarr rocks when it comes to knowledge of Ed Kowalcsyzksyckdycksuk and his band of crazy Christians! Domo arigato!

    Victory is thus conceded, but whose victory was it anyway? I think it was MacGyvers.

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  13. I beg to differ.... Stutter Rap is one of the GREATEST songs on the planet! To this day I cop shit over loving that song! :P

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  14. Just thought of this... I once read an article titled The 20 Most Embarrassing Albums To Still Have In Your Record Collection (this was obviously back in the days before CD's) and at the time, I owned 17 of the 20 LP's listed! I was so proud of that! Still am, come to think of it! lol

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