Clearing out my emails the other night, I found one I'd written a few months ago that is, quite possibly, the best email I have ever written.
It was to an ex boyfriend of the "effing C" variety, who had emailed me after seeing me at a function to request that we "catch up for a beer" and try to re establish a friendship.
Being that he had indulged in frequent acts of bastardry throughout our relationship, including (but not limited to): cheating, lying, theft, manipulation and psychotic episodes, I felt that idea might be a tad optimistic, and so was moved to write the following:
Please note that even though I hate his guts, I have not used his real name. My friends will know who I'm referring to (and NO, it's not this guy). Ladies, if you want to know who to avoid, email me.
Hi DICKHEAD,Feel free to use this email as a template for your own grand "FUCK YOU" correspondences.
To be honest, I have no interest in being your friend. That might sound harsh to you, but after the way you treated me throughout our pathetically one-sided relationship I really feel that any sort of "friendship" is unachievable. Not only because it's too difficult to bother with, but because I have no desire to be friends with such a deceptive and selfish person. Indeed, tolerating your presence when I am forced to is really the best I can do.
I can only hope that you understand what a complete and utter rat coward you are and how much you used and wore down two lovely women who (at the time) wanted nothing but the best for you. The lengths you went to to deceive and keep us both hanging on the line is mind-boggling. If it hadn't actually happened to me I would have sworn it were the plot of a B grade Hollywood movie.
Apart from the lies and the cheating and getting me to do design work for you, fix your resume and basically be your secretary for a year while you were in the UK, I seem to remember you telling me you "hated me more than anyone you've ever known", which I think was supposed to be some sort of defence for not paying me back the money I lent you to fix your car.
So after all of this you'd like to have a beer and be friends? How's "get fucked" sound?
PS: if you're interested, his reply was simply "I agree, and thanks."