Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The best "f*** you" email ever

Clearing out my emails the other night, I found one I'd written a few months ago that is, quite possibly, the best email I have ever written.

It was to an ex boyfriend of the "effing C" variety, who had emailed me after seeing me at a function to request that we "catch up for a beer" and try to re establish a friendship.

Being that he had indulged in frequent acts of bastardry throughout our relationship, including (but not limited to): cheating, lying, theft, manipulation and psychotic episodes, I felt that idea might be a tad optimistic, and so was moved to write the following:

Please note that even though I hate his guts, I have not used his real name. My friends will know who I'm referring to (and NO, it's not this guy). Ladies, if you want to know who to avoid, email me.

Hi DICKHEAD,

To be honest, I have no interest in being your friend. That might sound harsh to you, but after the way you treated me throughout our pathetically one-sided relationship I really feel that any sort of "friendship" is unachievable. Not only because it's too difficult to bother with, but because I have no desire to be friends with such a deceptive and selfish person. Indeed, tolerating your presence when I am forced to is really the best I can do.

I can only hope that you understand what a complete and utter rat coward you are and how much you used and wore down two lovely women who (at the time) wanted nothing but the best for you. The lengths you went to to deceive and keep us both hanging on the line is mind-boggling. If it hadn't actually happened to me I would have sworn it were the plot of a B grade Hollywood movie.

Apart from the lies and the cheating and getting me to do design work for you, fix your resume and basically be your secretary for a year while you were in the UK, I seem to remember you telling me you "hated me more than anyone you've ever known", which I think was supposed to be some sort of defence for not paying me back the money I lent you to fix your car.

So after all of this you'd like to have a beer and be friends? How's "get fucked" sound?

regards,
Petstarr
Feel free to use this email as a template for your own grand "FUCK YOU" correspondences.

PS: if you're interested, his reply was simply "I agree, and thanks."



24 comments :

  1. I heart me a good 'fuck you' email. Did your finger hover over the send button before pressing it and welcoming the rush of immense satisfaction it brought?

    I particularly liked the line about paying for his car.

    But I'm confused. Were you together before, during or AFTER he lived in the UK?

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  2. Before, during AND after! After which he returned home, dumped me rather unceremoniously, and then about 6 months later I found out the truth about what had been going on overseas (hint: it wasn't living by himself and looking for a job).

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  3. Nicely done! There's no way in hell he could read anything else into that letter.

    I'm confused on one bit too, though -- why did you let him walk all over you / pay for his car / etc if he was such a ratfucker?

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  4. Wasn't aware that he was a ratfucker until about 6 months after the breakup.

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  5. I thoroughly enjoyed that. On behalf of the blokes without (too many obvious) relationship issues, I'd like to extend a hearty virtual pat on your back. I get the feeling that you restrained yourself from using too many expletives. Personally, if someone had used me in the manner that that twat used you, I would have gone to town on he fucker.

    All the same, he got the written equivalent of a wake up call with a raised middle finger chaser.

    Hopefully that's a one-off experience.

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  6. It should read: on "the" fucker.

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  7. You had me at 'Hi Dickhead'.

    :)

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  8. Nice work, I like it. You dont know me, I'm Cam, 28 from Adelaide. If you need my email its duckie_farken@hotmail.com

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  9. um... duckie farken? Why would I need your email for? Are you coming onto me? I'm confused.

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  10. ...and after some super internet sleuthing, Mr Irish Duck - I have to ask, what about Renee?

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  11. i think you should use the term 'cunt mutha fucker' more often.

    note the spelling

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  12. on the topic of stalkers, I couldn't help noticing someone having a go at you in the letters of a certain newspaper today.

    your journalistic integrity is righteously defended.

    if you need my e-mail it's spam_me_please@hotmail.com.

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  13. Well spotted zzmurgy! So, it seems my poorly concealed false identity is slowly being eroded...

    PS: I argued with the woman who wrote that letter for a good 20 minutes, trying to tell her that her argument wasn't actually with ME but with the person I had quoted...but to no avail.

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  14. Oooookay let's stop right there! We don't have to tell everyone now, do we?

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  15. Well spotted petstarr, Cam, aka duckie farken, is indeed a serial stalker. I've come across him before and constantly wonder whether his predatory behaviour is known by Renee who has just given birth to their first child.

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  16. Ooooh! Cyber scandal!!!! Who are you, anonymous, pray tell!!??

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  17. Am just a tall, dark, mysterious stranger with a vendetta against the likes of Mr "duckie farken". Have much to reveal, but sadly must bide my time.

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  18. chill people !!!

    revenge, spite and shit like that makes you feel fucked

    so the dude was a fuckwit

    you would be best served to just know that, and by all means tell the world so they may not suffer under his shit

    but to have the feelings you so obviously have means only he wins

    in general, people make themselves miserable

    just be gratefull that you are not him and that your value system rocks compared to his and be done with it

    even your friends suck a little with their encoragement for your spite....but only a little :)

    i wish i had the education or the wordsmithery to explain myself ....but sadly i dont ....

    but ill try

    picture this

    a young man meets a young lady in a car park

    she has no change for the parking meter

    the young man offers her a dollar

    she puts the coin in the meter and asks it for a ticket

    the ticket machine spits the dummy and decides that it will never work again

    during the ensuing delay some banter is exchanged .. including the words (said to his friend in jest)

    "i should never have given that woman that money"

    she freaks out and dumps all over him for being a sexist pig

    he's a little suprised as he doesnt feel like a sexist pig

    he thinks to himself something about making a karmic contibution to the universe

    his choices are the following

    be nice

    she leaves feeling that i was a prick but turned out to be slightly less of a prick than she first thought


    tell her she is a dumb slut

    she leaves thinking im a total fuckwit and that the world is fucked

    im not a total fuckwit (you will just have to take my word for that) and the world isnt totally fucked (ditto)

    if i want to make her feel miserable for a long time all i have to do is call her a dumb slut ...not because my words are so well crafted that she can form no arguemen, but for the following

    unless she is very clever she will walk away knowing that ...

    1. i am a total prick

    2. the world is fucked

    she can ignore me being a total prick and spend the rest of her life not thinking about me ....but it is infinitely more difficult to ignore the fact that the world is fucked

    this will stay with her for ever

    either way i get to walk away with little residue (mostly because i know its all silly)

    if however she decides to not care what i said or think and decides to meet her friends in the pub with a mind ungunked with the funk of a fucked world...

    she wins!

    yay!

    -craig

    like i said ...i lack the words to tell this tale but hope you have the mind to fill in my yawing gaps

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  19. Craig - if you think being cheated on over a period of 8 months whilst simultaneously being used as a secretary, personal assistant and vending machine (both monetary and emotional) is in any way akin to borrowing money for a broken ticket machine... I worry for the stat of your relationships.

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  20. I have myself spewed similar invective in the direction of a lost love. Although this may make one feel better at the time, with hindsight it just reinforces to the other party just how much they hurt you and how much you are still hurting, which is rarely a good look.

    Fish

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  21. I think we would be a perfect match if I wasnt a girl. My god I love your bitchy humour.

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  22. duckie farken huh????

    I reckon I have some emails in one of my inboxes from that address..... Must dig them out, mind you they are from a couple of years ago. Hmmmm

    However - LOVE the email, I can think of at least 3 guys that I could quite happily send that off to right now.

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