Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It's time to go: Domino's

Ever since I first sampled their fluffy, spongey bases and sugary tomato sauce five years ago I have rued the day I let the evil psuedo-pizza spawn of Domino's hell kitchens touch my tastebuds.

After that first indiscretion I refused to ever eat Domino's again, which was further cemented by their apparent obssession with putting chicken on pizzas, something that (being a pizza purist) I am totally against.

But now - well NOW THEY'VE JUST GONE TOO FAR.

To be honest, the entire company has been skating on thin ice here in the BC for quite a while, what with them unsuccessfully trying to enter teen speak with their stupid "So Puff" campaign and then forcing us to buy what is effectively KFC with each pizza (chicken kickers, anyone?).

But now, Domino's, it really IS time to go, thanks to your new crust: the cheese and bacon burst.

I don't know about you, but I don't really like the words "bacon" and "burst" together. Especially together with the word "cheese". More to the point, I don't like putting ACTUAL bacon with ACTUAL cheese INSIDE a pizza, so that it "bursts" out when I bite it. I find the idea entirely repellent. In fact, just thinking about the cheese with chunky bacon pieces in it oozing out of the crust in the TV commercial makes me want to vomit something that probably looks quite similar.

I couldn't find a photo of this unfortunate culinary abortion to show you the full extent of the horror that Domino's is now inflicting upon its customers, but I think you'll find the cheese and bacon burst crust resembles this quite closely. (sorry to those of you with weak stomachs, but the point had to be made)

As previously mentioned, however, this is just the latest in a long line of culinary infringements by Domino's. Let's analyse a few of them:

The Double Bacon Cheeseburger


Seriously, don't even try to defend this pizza

Apart from the idea of a cheeseburger-pizza hybrid being ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REVOLTING, isn't it just unnecessary? It reminds me of this bizarre pizza-meat-pie cross breed you can get at the Port Canal Mall (incidentally, it's not the only bizarre half breed in the mall either). It's like - why? Either you want a cheeseburger, or you want a pizza. You want a pizza, or you want a pie. PICK ONE, YOU FAT BASTARD.

But what really gets me about this pizza is the list of toppings: BBQ sauce, mozzarella, beef, bacon AND A SWIRL OF MAYONNAISE. I'm sorry, but who the FUCK puts mayonnaise on a pizza? Domino's does. It's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, no - hang on...

The Mr Wedge


Just as bad as the TV show by the same name

Clearly Domino's' (love those apostrophes) publicity department has done some market research and determined that their target audience is fat, hungry, has no tastebuds and is above all CONFUSED. Because once again we have another food masquerading as a pizza. This time it's potato wedges. That's right, potato wedges are now a pizza topping. At least, they are in Domino's third circle of pizza hell, where this creation obviously comes from.

Actually, it comes from New Zealand, which shouldn't really surprise anyone. It comes topped with BBQ sauce, mozzarella cheese, potato wedges, bacon, onion, oregano, garlic and cream. Mm, I love a good bit of cream on a pizza. And what's the obssession with BBQ sauce? What happened to good old tomato?

Imagine if you got the Mr Wedge with a cheese and bacon burst crust. I think maybe this. (Sorry)

Other stupid crusts


Puffy, cheesy, all round revolting

Crusts should either be thick, or thin, that's it. Actually, I lie. They should only be thin. And preferably wood fired. (I told you I was a pizza purist)

They should NOT be stuffed with things, made out of stupid pastry, cut into shapes or coated in anything. A pizza crust doesn't need to be a feature, it just needs to BE. Got that? If you want anything else, YOU'RE NOT EATING PIZZA. You're committing a pizza crime and should consider yourself evicted from civilised society along with Domino's.

And so in closing: Domino's, for

a) subjecting the world to your crappy excuses for pizza
b) hijacking Italian culture and screwing it to within an inch of its former self
c) giving us the cheese and bacon burst crust

IT'S TIME TO GO!

PS: this is the latest in a line of "It's time to go" evictions - you can read the others here.



36 comments :

  1. You think Domino's suck? I wish I could eat a Domino's right now! This is what I have to deal with.

    http://www.chachich.com/mdchachi/jpizza.html

    Enjoy your Dominos

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  3. I hear you sister. Thick crust pizza is bad enough. Thick crust pizza stuffed with other things is an insult.

    Sadly, I think 276,468 million obese people might disagree with us. Which is why they're going to die while we guzzle margeritas in the sun.

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  4. If you like margaritas Audrey, and if you're in Adelaide, I highly recommend you check out Vesuvio's on Glynde Rd... oh GOD. Has to be the best pizza I've ever had. I have an actual addiction to their woodfired pizza. Make sure you ask for the thin crust.

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  5. The best pizza is in Rome, NOT Italy, Rome :)

    http://strandedinrome.blogspot.com/2006/06/before-anything-few-words-on-pizza.html

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  6. I don't eat pizza, but if I did, I wouldn't be telling you i didn't eat it! unless i was lying, which i'm not. hooray for sugargalm!

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  7. Hijacking Italian Culture?

    Sorry Pet, in this case I have to disagree. Traditionally pizza is the lowest of the low with Italians. Its the thing mamas make when there is nothing left in the house save for some scant pieces of dough and various vegie cuts and meat pieces. There is no formula to it and no rules about what can and can't be on it. The cook at my work, a 60 something Italian lady that no one dare fuck with on this plane of existence will tell that in her childhood, Nona would make pizza at the end of the month with the ends of the grogery money and it would usually entail chicken (cheap), broccoli, tomato, onion and mozarella, plus herbs and pepper. And if they were out of all that, THEN they would make SPAG BOL...

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  9. Hey Lexx:

    The Italy you refer to is of 1950s immigrants to Australia, god bless their souls. This is what it used to be. Things are different now. Trust me.

    Ciao!

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  10. I KNEW a pizza discussion would get everyone talking. Fewer things are closer to people's hearts than their favourite pizza. And Lexx, I respect what you're saying, but I think even the cheapest, most skint Italian nonna would stop short of putting potato wedges and mayonnaise on their pizza.

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  11. Hey - do you have the vomit model's phone number? She looks like she'd scrub up a treat, give or take the bile and spumen.

    Anyway, we all know that while Domino's is rubbish, Pizza Hut's Stuffed Crust pizza is awesome. Just when you thought they couldn't find anywhere else to stick the cheese! Brilliant! It's cheesalicious!

    Petstar, as a warning to folks playing at home I also think you should the sizes of pizza that Vesuvio's offer - we don't want anyone else having to clean out their boot to get their pizzas home...

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  12. Hehehe! This post made me laugh, even though I disagree with everything in it (well, except maybe the potato-wedges on a pizza bit).

    Domino's Meatasaurus is THE best hangover cure I can think of. Mmm. So.... much.... grease... and... fat... mmmmm! :-)

    Goddamn, now I'm hungry. For Dominos!

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  13. Oh yeah, potato wedges on pizza is just plain wrong!

    And Stranded In Rome: The comment was on Traditional Italian Cuisine, which would imply stuff from the past, not to be a semantic badger or anything...

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  14. Rev Tim, how the fuck do you get everywhere???

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  15. Hahaha. My DeLorean with Flux Capacitor helps. :-P

    But I actually came back to say that I agreed with the "So Puff" bashing as well as the potato-wedges-on-a-pizza.

    I still like the rest of the Domino's range, though. Mmmm. :-)

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  16. Jesus. I don't think there's ever been this much talk on the BC board before. Must remember to write about multinational food chains more often. Firstly - Scootikins is right. If any of you should venture to Vesuvio's to try their super-mega-awesome pizza for yourself, make sure you don't ask for "the biggest one you have" when you order. The biggest ones they have are bigger than your car. I shall post a photo at some stage. And secondly, Rev Timothy - SURELY you can't agree with mayonnaise on pizza. SURELY?! The idea of mayonnaise getting cooked into meat and cheese inside an oven... CHRIST, the idea makes me want to stab myself.

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  17. But... I like mayonnaise. A lot. Never had it on a pizza, though. I must try that! :-)

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  18. all you do is complain

    its kinda funny

    but cheap and nasty humour

    kinda like the domino's pizza of humour

    buck up, kiddo!

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  19. Dear Anonymous,

    Fuck off.

    Love,
    PetStarr

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  20. In addition, Anonymous:

    a) I do describe this blog as "ravings and whingeing" so you can hardly say I'm advertising falsely, and

    b) If you think a piddling 12 paragraphs (or so) attacking a major multinational corporation that makes shit food is too "nasty", you really need to get out more.

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  21. I wish I could hate Domino's, but I am hopelessly addicted to the sugary barbecue sauce they put on their Vegorama.

    In addition, although potato wedges on pizza seems weird (and would be quite difficult to eat), I find that sliced boiled potato on a home-made pizza is divine.

    Thirdly, the best pizza in Adelaide can be found at Goodlife.
    Chicken pizza sounds better when you call it "Kapunda Free-Range Chicken, oven roasted with organic baby potatoes, garlic, rosemary and mild parmesan".
    And then there's the "Free-range roasted" Duck Pizza,
    "Mt Barker Springs Smoked" Salmon Pizza,
    and finally "Spencer Gulf Monster Prawn" Pizza.

    How could you hate that?

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  22. PETSTARR once again, freaking gold!

    I think I once made the horrible mistake once of eating a dominoe's pizza when one first opened up across the road from here and after THAT abomination, swore never to eat there again.. it somehow managed to violate everything my tastebuds considered decent in this world.. then further insulted my stomach attempting to digest it..

    and besides.. wot's the fucken big deal about their wacky "HOT CELL" anywaze? "wow.. we can take that much LONGER to deliver your pizza.. coz our carry cases are made by space age technologies developed by NASA to keep the food luke warm and gooey.. for LONGER!"

    hafta disagree with the "chicken" not having it's place on a pizza tho'..

    AUSSIE PIZZA HOUSE does this kwaaaaazy CHICKEN and ASPARAGUS pizza.. and yeah.. I know.. it SOUNDS fucked up.. but after 8-10 beers eaten at 3AM in the morning.. it's the freaking duck's nuts!

    (hmmm.. come to think of it.. with all that alcohol.. a road accident would start sounding appetizing.. ok, scratch that observation..)

    but yeah, on the flipside.. the worst pizza I ate.. wuz from PIZZA HAVEN.. a horror called the "SATAY CHICKEN".. and no.. peanut sauce should NEVER be on a pizza.. EVER!

    ok.. that is all..

    keep up the good work :)

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  23. Cheers Spoz, keep rockin! (although chicken and asparagus...and you just KNOW it'd be canned asparagus...urghhh)

    Zzmurgy - you're SO right about Goodlife. I am prepared to concede that in the one and only instance of their bbq duck pizza, fowl is allowed as a topping. But I'm still not agreeing to chicken!!!

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  24. So as far as Domino's goes I think its shit. I ordered it once, way back in 2001 and that will be the last time. Their 'za is just plain nasty!

    I eat Aussie Pizza House or I make my own. Thats the only way I'll eat pizza.

    Oh and if I'm on the turps I'll probably go to Pizza Revolution while I'm getting a tatt, but thats more a guilty pleasure...

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  25. To be honest, I'm really not sure why so many of you are pro the Aussie Pizza House. They're not that much better than Domino's, in my opinion! Let's face it, if you're paying $3.95 for a large pizza, it's probably not going to be the best. Am I right, people? HIT ME!

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  26. I judge not a pizza by it's cost.

    Pizzas aren't exactly a bomb alaska, so a place which specialises in pizza should be able to get some pretty damn good economies of scale happening.

    Haha. That said, Good Life Pizza is pretty damn good, however they had a really pretentious vegetable pizza or something which I didn't think was that great. Fellini's also has a great garlic-bread pizza, and an interesting Cherry-Ripe dessert pizza (both of which are tasty!)

    And I still like Domino's? Haha, I guess I'm just not that fussy with my pizza! ;-) Mmm. Now I'm hungry again. DAMN YOU! Haha.

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  27. Gr Dominos annoy me.
    We ordered a pizza from there once (a normal one) for delivery and got into 3 fights over:
    1. The voucher I had (he ended up saying "Well why don't I send the pizza round and I'll get the delivery guy to read it to you?" Bastard.)
    2. My phone number. (my fault this time. I got my number wrong, and they obviously have some caller ID thing - so why not tell me, instead of repeating what I thought was not my phone number back to me?)
    3. The spelling of the street it was being delivered to.

    AND they ended up getting the street spelling wrong, meaning we never got our pizza!

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  28. Oh mannnn that cherry ripe dessert pizza at Fellini's was absolutely AWESOME!! Anyone know a place where they still do that 80s shit?

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  29. HILARIOUS!

    'bacon and cheese stuffed crust'

    *shudder*

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  30. Ugh. Have you seen the triple cheese crust they're advertising now? I like cheese as much as the next guy, but that is fucking gross!

    I like Aussie Pizza cos they're not pretending to be something they're not. And they have some different pizzas. SHARK PIZZA, MAN! SHARK PIZZA!

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  31. I don't think I've ever had Dominos. I am a vegetarian though, and I usually like my vegetarian pizzas without meat, thankyouverymuch.

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  32. and seriously.. wot's DOMINOE's retarded fixation with all the cheese anywaze? is there any LIMIT to wot fucked up retarded places they'd decide to put the cheese into next?

    "I know.. we'll hollow out the meat and put the cheese in there too!!"

    shit.. at the rate they're going, they might as well just sell us cans of AEROSOL CHEESE and let us go nuts..

    perhaps they could do home delivery with a cheese hose..

    cheese..
    clearly there's never enough..

    *ack*

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  33. Stuffed crusts are an abomination!

    Anyway, I like pizza, Dominos not so much, although i am guilty of eating it! Most of the time I wish I hadn't.

    The best pizza is always homemade, my hubby makes a mean pizza, sadly not often enough!

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  34. it's time to go .... Darren Hayes. this guy is an absolute twit. i am currently experiencing the misfortune of watching ROVE live and this cock-knocker is on now.

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  35. I agree - Dominos Pizza scare the heck outta me. I had a triple cheese crust (?) or something recently and threw it away - too much filth.

    Nice site - I'm sure I know you from somewhere...

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  36. Petstarr, I have to disagree with you on the chicken comment; well, at least a little. We have a pub down the road that does wood-fired fajita pizzas - fajita chicken with peppers, and then a couple of stripes of sour cream across the top when it is done. Delicious!

    They also do a hoisin duck pizza...

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