Ever since I first sampled their fluffy, spongey bases and sugary tomato sauce five years ago I have rued the day I let the evil psuedo-pizza spawn of Domino's hell kitchens touch my tastebuds.
After that first indiscretion I refused to ever eat Domino's again, which was further cemented by their apparent obssession with putting chicken on pizzas, something that (being a pizza purist) I am totally against.
But now - well NOW THEY'VE JUST GONE TOO FAR.
To be honest, the entire company has been skating on thin ice here in the BC for quite a while, what with them unsuccessfully trying to enter teen speak with their stupid "So Puff" campaign and then forcing us to buy what is effectively KFC with each pizza (chicken kickers, anyone?).
But now, Domino's, it really IS time to go, thanks to your new crust: the cheese and bacon burst.
I don't know about you, but I don't really like the words "bacon" and "burst" together. Especially together with the word "cheese". More to the point, I don't like putting ACTUAL bacon with ACTUAL cheese INSIDE a pizza, so that it "bursts" out when I bite it. I find the idea entirely repellent. In fact, just thinking about the cheese with chunky bacon pieces in it oozing out of the crust in the TV commercial makes me want to vomit something that probably looks quite similar.
I couldn't find a photo of this unfortunate culinary abortion to show you the full extent of the horror that Domino's is now inflicting upon its customers, but I think you'll find the cheese and bacon burst crust resembles this quite closely. (sorry to those of you with weak stomachs, but the point had to be made)
As previously mentioned, however, this is just the latest in a long line of culinary infringements by Domino's. Let's analyse a few of them:
The Double Bacon Cheeseburger
Seriously, don't even try to defend this pizza
Apart from the idea of a cheeseburger-pizza hybrid being ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REVOLTING, isn't it just unnecessary? It reminds me of this bizarre pizza-meat-pie cross breed you can get at the Port Canal Mall (incidentally, it's not the only bizarre half breed in the mall either). It's like - why? Either you want a cheeseburger, or you want a pizza. You want a pizza, or you want a pie. PICK ONE, YOU FAT BASTARD.
But what really gets me about this pizza is the list of toppings: BBQ sauce, mozzarella, beef, bacon AND A SWIRL OF MAYONNAISE. I'm sorry, but who the FUCK puts mayonnaise on a pizza? Domino's does. It's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, no - hang on...
The Mr Wedge
Just as bad as the TV show by the same name
Clearly Domino's' (love those apostrophes) publicity department has done some market research and determined that their target audience is fat, hungry, has no tastebuds and is above all CONFUSED. Because once again we have another food masquerading as a pizza. This time it's potato wedges. That's right, potato wedges are now a pizza topping. At least, they are in Domino's third circle of pizza hell, where this creation obviously comes from.
Actually, it comes from New Zealand, which shouldn't really surprise anyone. It comes topped with BBQ sauce, mozzarella cheese, potato wedges, bacon, onion, oregano, garlic and cream. Mm, I love a good bit of cream on a pizza. And what's the obssession with BBQ sauce? What happened to good old tomato?
Imagine if you got the Mr Wedge with a cheese and bacon burst crust. I think maybe this. (Sorry)
Other stupid crusts
Puffy, cheesy, all round revolting
Crusts should either be thick, or thin, that's it. Actually, I lie. They should only be thin. And preferably wood fired. (I told you I was a pizza purist)
They should NOT be stuffed with things, made out of stupid pastry, cut into shapes or coated in anything. A pizza crust doesn't need to be a feature, it just needs to BE. Got that? If you want anything else, YOU'RE NOT EATING PIZZA. You're committing a pizza crime and should consider yourself evicted from civilised society along with Domino's.
And so in closing: Domino's, for
a) subjecting the world to your crappy excuses for pizza
b) hijacking Italian culture and screwing it to within an inch of its former self
c) giving us the cheese and bacon burst crust
IT'S TIME TO GO!
PS: this is the latest in a line of "It's time to go" evictions - you can read the others here.