Monday, June 05, 2006

The obligatory Big Brother post

Right, fine, I admit it. I have started watching Big Brother. Now they're down to a decent amount of people (who the fuck can be bothered watching 18 of them?) I've started watching it more and more. Whereas I would once go to any lengths to avoid the show, I now find myself going "No Katie, Jamie didn't say YOU were socially divisive, he said the GAME was!" and "Danielle, don't flirt with John when Dino's right there!" and more often than not, "SHUT THE HELL UP UP, CAMILLA."

So, that being said, here's my rundown on the remaining contestants.

1. Krystal

"Hi, I'm like, um Krystal, and um, yeah..."

Let's get it out of the way - Krystal is hot. She's pretty damn cute. I admit that. She's also sort of fun and quirky, and proved that she wasn't a complete girly wuss when she ate a pig's eye on Friday Night Games. None of this, however, cancels out the fact that she is really bloody annoying. I would rather listen to the sounds of a buffalo being slaughtered to a soundtrack of The Crazy Frog than ever hear this girl speak again. Her voice and delivery are APPALLING, and she always takes up the full two minutes in nominations to get her point across, because it usually comes out like this:
"Um I'd like to nominate Camilla for, um, two points, because, um, she can like, be a bit mean sometimes and um, that like, makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't like feeling awkward around people, and, um, I don't feel like I should have to, um, like, feel awkward in the house so that's why I'm nominating her."
Which is normally followed by Big Brother saying "Krystal you're not being CLEAR. Why don't you say what you MEAN?" or some other pre recorded crap, because the voice over guy is probably in the toilet or something.

I also don't think she's the sharpest tool in the box, after reading this on her profile on the BB website:
Q: If you could pash any historical figure, who would it be?
A: Aphrodite, she might be able to teach me some tricks!
Aw come on Krystal, what about Superman? Or Moby Dick? They're historical figures too!

2. John

Wha happened?

I just have one thing to say about John - LOSE THE HAIR, DUDE! For fuck's sake, it looks like a wig he slept in, took to the beach, wrapped around a football and kicked through the surf for a bit, put back on and slept in again, and then took to a hairdressing school and let trainees "style". It is bloody awful. Apart from that, I guess he's ok. Yawn. And how old is he anyway? Twelve? No chance for the win.

3. Rob

I don't care if the sun don't shine,

Ah Rob, the power hungry, fabulous bitch-queen. I love him. I'd hate to LIVE with him, but I love to watch him annoy the shit out of everyone else. If he gets evicted this week there is no justice in this world.

One thing ocurrs to me when I look at Rob, with his crazy jumped-up hairdo:

Unlock the jukebox, and do us all a favour...

Tell me you see it too.

4. Dave

The star of Big Brotherback Mountain

Dave is hot. Dave is gay. Dave is a cowboy. Run, Dave, run. Apparently Dave also has a very hot boyfriend on the outside called Sherif Kanawati who's been prancing about selling his story to gay mags, thusly:

Dave shagged the Sherif, but he didn't shag no deputy...

So I guess if he doesn't win Big Brother (and his chances have been looking slimmer each week he continues his holier-than-thou act) he could always fall back on the money I'm sure Sherif is saving to share with him when he gets out... *snigger*

5. Claire



6. Camilla

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

The next time Camilla asks "Do you think I look fat?" I want someone to hog tie her, shove an apple in her mouth, paint her with honey and stick her over some coals, and scream "YESSSSSSS! YESSS YOU DOOOOO!! So this crackling will be EXTRA tasty!" But mostly I just want someone to tell her to shut the hell up. In any case, it's pretty obvious Camilla is going to get ousted this Sunday (we can only hope) so we won't have to put up with that god awful zebra number she wears every eviction, or her whingeing about whatever hasn't gone her way. And whingeing about things that HAVE gone her way, that she twists around so she still has something to whinge about.

7. Katie

"And then my head went that way, and my legs went that way!"

Katie is glorious, and awful, in equal measures. I want to hate her, but I can't - she's fabulous. Even if she does sound and act like the kid off the Mutual Community ad who says "And then they bit me into parts...pieces" whenever she nominates anyone. Seriously, how old is she? Five? Possibly, as this is what she wrote in her personal profile on the BB site (all spelling is Katie's own attempt):

I look like a typical blonde, Norwegian, beautician's daughter, but I don't act like it... I am mis concepted a lot because of my appearance (as I have just prior mentioned). For example when I am modelling and guys ask what I do and I tell them that I am just finishing a Diploma in Occupational Health and Safety, that I want to work on the minds and that I have had a scollarship before, they are all like, "Arrr, oh, well wasn't expecting that."
I love "mis concepted", "as I have just prior mentioned" and "scollarship". And I love that she wants "to work on the minds". Does she even speak English? Who cares, she's awesome, and a good chance for the win. Except she won't win, because Australia will always vote for Jamie.

She could always pretend to be Gaelan and confuse the public into voting for him instead - can YOU tell them apart?

Is it Katie or Gaelan? Who can tell?

8. Ashley


I don't give a toss about Ashley, to be quite honest, but I had to mention him for this one thing that I saw in his BB website profile:

Q: Myself in three words?
A: Passionate, straight up, honest to a point.
That's seven, you dickhead.

And as for Danielle and Jamie - who cares? On tonight's episode, Jamie recited some poem he'd written that went something along the lines of:

Liquid orbs float on by
My oh my.
I wait, at the gate
Don't hate.
Rubber grandfather clocks
cry on cobwebs.*

To which Danielle responded "Oh wow. That makes so much sense."

Given that neither of them had a hint of irony in their voices, I couldn't care less what happens to them from now on.

*I've made most of this up, except for the line "rubber grandfather clocks", which actually WAS in Jamie's poem. Seriously.


  1. Look, Big Brother sucks, and you are wasting your time watching all these numbskulls fall about like slightly retarded children. It's utterly dire. However, your article was entertaining.

  2. That was a great post.

    As for this 'grodon' fellow, it's like homophobia- the one's who are most against it are secretly gay.

    Grodon's probably watching the live feeds on his 3 mobile as we speak.

  3. I don't know if that made sense- I mean't, the people who are most homophobic are often gay themselves.

  4. *meant.

    Sorry, have been studying, studying, studying and me mental facilities are shot.

  5. I know Grodon, and I think he'd be amused by that. I mean troubled. I think he'd be troubled by that.

  6. I was going to state here that I'm actually not against BB at all, as it is like 'American Gladiators' or 'Football' - keeping the low masses occupied and content. However, I realised that this actually isn't a good thing.

    I'm all for a bit of trash now and then - but there's what, 12 hours of this every week?

    Ah, whatever. I don't care.

    I'm also too busy sucking hard, slimy cock right now to write anymore.

  7. I love R&B. I don't care what anyone says.

  8. You need to go to You Tube and watch some BBUK. It is, quite simply, the best television in the world.

    I think Dani's going to go this week. As predictable as it is for Logan Whoevers to consistently win BB, so too is it true that the Australian BB voting public (read: 12 year olds) hate to see pretty girls with lots of male attention. If I wasn't rat arsed bored by Dani, I might actually care.

    I predict John will win. He seems suitably duffish enough.

  9. "That's seven words you dickhead"