How convenient that my two latest hated TV commercials both fall under the category of 'paper products'. It makes me look organised, as if I have been meticulously grouping things together in my head until I get a chance to put them up here. As it happens they just shit me, and they happen to be related products. Such is life.
Anyway let's kick it off with:
1. Kleenex Anti-Viral 'Teacher' commercial
Now that the winter of discontent is upon us once more, we are again being subjected to this poxy, sweet-as-pie, cutesy-pootsy commercial that frankly, is soppier than a snotty tissue. And just as objectionable.
Download the video - 580k WMV
The ad starts by showing us a woman with too much blush on her nose writing notes on a piece of paper (perhaps a note to remind herself not to use so much blush next time). A school class photo in the background reveals that either she has about 25 children, or is their teacher. I think we can assume it's the latter. At any rate, despite her over application of blush (which I think is supposed to indicate that she has a head cold and has been blowing her nose), she looks pretty content.
EXHIBIT A - clearly pretty content, despite the headcold.
BUT SUDDENLY - a knock at the door. And look how much that's annoyed her.
EXHIBIT B - pretty pissed off.
She drags her poor, tired, overworked and underpaid, state school-slaving arse off the couch to the door, perhaps expecting something WORTH getting off the couch for, and instead finds...
EXHIBIT C - truanting children.
Well that's just fucking DANDY isn't it? The poor woman takes a day off work to get away from the little brats who probably GAVE her the flu in the first fucking place, and the next thing you know they're rolling up to her door bearing spurious "gifts" and asking to be let inside.
Which she DOES, dear reader, she lets them all in the house, sits them on the floor and then starts teaching.
EXHIBIT D - a clear case for claiming overtime.
WHAT DOES A TEACHER HAVE TO DO IN THIS COUNTRY TO GET A DAY OFF, FOR FUCK'S SAKE? Besides which, why is this teacher such a drip that all it takes to break her down is spending $2.50 at the chemist? And they're not even the nice aloe vera ones either, they're bloody ANTI VIRAL. They might as well have bought her a box of Cadbury's Roses while they were at it, just to clinch the "shitty present" deal.
And throughout all of it we're forced to listen to the naff Kleenex theme tune, the overall effect being one which the advertisers hope will make you go "Awwwww". Well, it does. It makes me go "Awwwww I HATE THIS FUCKING COMMERCIAL!"
2. Random sanitary pad commercial
I don't even know what brand this is for (which shows what a great commercial it is), or what is actually special about the product being advertised, or even what product IS being advertised. Which are all reasons enough for hating the ad. But the real reason is because it's stupid.
Here's the setup - some skinny white bitch is getting dressed while her boyfriend sits around waiting. Despite the fact that she is about a size two, she is finding it incredibly difficult to get any of her clothes to fit - perhaps because the only place she could have bought clothes that small is THE TODDLER SECTION AT K MART. She lies back on the bed, pulling on her uber tight jeans, then gasps and moans as she pulls on a ridiculously tight singlet, then hires a crane to help pull her tight sneakers on... no, I'm just kidding about that bit, obviously. They're boots, not sneakers.
So throughout all of this her boyfriend is rolling his eyes and sighing and looking at his watch, which is understandable given that they're probably only going down the shops to get some milk. We then hear skeletor yell out "Can you get me a pad from the drawer?"
This is where it gets weird.
After I had picked myself up off the floor where I had landed in the throes of hilarity that ensued from that gem of a gag (she's putting on really tight clothes, but then she says she needs her pad to be comfortable, GET IT?!), I began to think about several points of weirdness in this commercial, namely:
1. Why does this woman buy two types of pads, one of which she clearly doesn't wear?
2. Why does she then unwrap each pad from its hygienic plastic wrapper and stack them in a drawer?
I think the answer to both of these questions stems from the lack of creativity on behalf of the marketing department who came up with this pile of shit.
In closing, I would like to suggest that Kleenex get together with whoever this pad company is and produce an anti viral pad, because if that woman continues to get about in such tight pants she's probably going to need it.