Thursday, June 08, 2006

Paper chasing - more crap TV ads

How convenient that my two latest hated TV commercials both fall under the category of 'paper products'. It makes me look organised, as if I have been meticulously grouping things together in my head until I get a chance to put them up here. As it happens they just shit me, and they happen to be related products. Such is life.

Anyway let's kick it off with:

1. Kleenex Anti-Viral 'Teacher' commercial

Now that the winter of discontent is upon us once more, we are again being subjected to this poxy, sweet-as-pie, cutesy-pootsy commercial that frankly, is soppier than a snotty tissue. And just as objectionable.

Download the video - 580k WMV

The ad starts by showing us a woman with too much blush on her nose writing notes on a piece of paper (perhaps a note to remind herself not to use so much blush next time). A school class photo in the background reveals that either she has about 25 children, or is their teacher. I think we can assume it's the latter. At any rate, despite her over application of blush (which I think is supposed to indicate that she has a head cold and has been blowing her nose), she looks pretty content.

EXHIBIT A - clearly pretty content, despite the headcold.

BUT SUDDENLY - a knock at the door. And look how much that's annoyed her.

EXHIBIT B - pretty pissed off.

She drags her poor, tired, overworked and underpaid, state school-slaving arse off the couch to the door, perhaps expecting something WORTH getting off the couch for, and instead finds...

EXHIBIT C - truanting children.

Well that's just fucking DANDY isn't it? The poor woman takes a day off work to get away from the little brats who probably GAVE her the flu in the first fucking place, and the next thing you know they're rolling up to her door bearing spurious "gifts" and asking to be let inside.

Which she DOES, dear reader, she lets them all in the house, sits them on the floor and then starts teaching.

EXHIBIT D - a clear case for claiming overtime.

WHAT DOES A TEACHER HAVE TO DO IN THIS COUNTRY TO GET A DAY OFF, FOR FUCK'S SAKE? Besides which, why is this teacher such a drip that all it takes to break her down is spending $2.50 at the chemist? And they're not even the nice aloe vera ones either, they're bloody ANTI VIRAL. They might as well have bought her a box of Cadbury's Roses while they were at it, just to clinch the "shitty present" deal.

And throughout all of it we're forced to listen to the naff Kleenex theme tune, the overall effect being one which the advertisers hope will make you go "Awwwww". Well, it does. It makes me go "Awwwww I HATE THIS FUCKING COMMERCIAL!"

2. Random sanitary pad commercial

I don't even know what brand this is for (which shows what a great commercial it is), or what is actually special about the product being advertised, or even what product IS being advertised. Which are all reasons enough for hating the ad. But the real reason is because it's stupid.

Here's the setup - some skinny white bitch is getting dressed while her boyfriend sits around waiting. Despite the fact that she is about a size two, she is finding it incredibly difficult to get any of her clothes to fit - perhaps because the only place she could have bought clothes that small is THE TODDLER SECTION AT K MART. She lies back on the bed, pulling on her uber tight jeans, then gasps and moans as she pulls on a ridiculously tight singlet, then hires a crane to help pull her tight sneakers on... no, I'm just kidding about that bit, obviously. They're boots, not sneakers.

So throughout all of this her boyfriend is rolling his eyes and sighing and looking at his watch, which is understandable given that they're probably only going down the shops to get some milk. We then hear skeletor yell out "Can you get me a pad from the drawer?"

This is where it gets weird. Pussy whipped Dutiful boyfriend goes to the drawer, which contains TWO NEAT STACKS OF UNWRAPPED SANITARY PADS. Confused (as are we all) he picks up one of each and presents it to her boniness, asking "Which one?", to which she replies "The *brand name product that I can't remember* - it's shaped to fit my body. You don't want me to be uncomfortable, do you?"

After I had picked myself up off the floor where I had landed in the throes of hilarity that ensued from that gem of a gag (she's putting on really tight clothes, but then she says she needs her pad to be comfortable, GET IT?!), I began to think about several points of weirdness in this commercial, namely:

1. Why does this woman buy two types of pads, one of which she clearly doesn't wear?

2. Why does she then unwrap each pad from its hygienic plastic wrapper and stack them in a drawer?

I think the answer to both of these questions stems from the lack of creativity on behalf of the marketing department who came up with this pile of shit.

In closing, I would like to suggest that Kleenex get together with whoever this pad company is and produce an anti viral pad, because if that woman continues to get about in such tight pants she's probably going to need it.


  1. Bahahaha! I fecking LOVE your anti-ad rants.

    You really should work in you?

  2. Anti bacterial tissues. gawd, whatever next? Maybe soon the tissues will be smart enough to be better teachers than this evil woman who lures children into her home...?

  3. At one stage of my life I did consider going into marketing, but then I did work experience at an ad agency and hated it, mainly because they made me cut out newspaper ads and stick them into a book, and get them all coffee. It sucked. So now I just take my revenge on the advertising industry.

  4. I agree about both of these ads. But I'd go further with the pad ad to state:

    1. You have your period. Shouldn't you be wearing a pair of incredibly baggy grey tracksuit pants with an old food stained vest? And if not, a tampon?

    2. Is it too much to ask that we be sold 'sanitary' products by women that actually look like they menstruate?

    I do very much like the new Telstra 101 ad with the gentleman and his doddery old mother. Much laughter.

  5. Hahahhahahaa!!!!
    My favourite part in the kleenex advert is when she opens the door and is OBVIOUSLY touched that these little grommets have skipped school to bring her some tissues. You can tell she is really affected by this by the placement of her hand over her chest. She lets out a whimper which sounds a bit like a small orgasm (if you crank the volume, the breathe in-out bit)... THEN she grabs the tissue and does she blow straight away? NO, she firstly looks out over her little army of brats, showing them how pleased she is they came to her house without an adult supervisor... then proceeds to blow her nose in front of all the children while maintaining eye contact and smiling at them. In closing, that little ginger kid that hands her the tissues is a manipulative little demon-sporn.(refer to false smile and deceptive eyes)..he's like.. yeah u want these bitch? very slowly handing them to her, i have the power...see i have control... oh ALSO.. check the bowl haircuts of the little boys.. so unrealistic, if a little boy sported one of these cuts in the schoolyard he'd get his ass beaten.

  6. Also FUCK 3d animations/simulations in adverts. Every fucking product commercial has one of these nowadays, it started with the washing powder which was very cool at the time but has gone downhill ever since. Actually 3d animation might be pretty cool if the subject matter was "dirty" or obscene. For example, semen (3d sim of how condom stops the sperm from entering the vagina), shit (3d sim of how a particular brand of tp collects shit better than another brand), pee (old man/woman pees pants - 3d sim of urine soaking into adult diaper). Someone seriously needs to make a satire of these dumb commercials. Bring back fast forward.

    Adverts these days are so fucking dumb.. most are marketed at females and follow the basic blueprint of showing a dominant woman pulling one over a stupid man.
    In conclusion fuck television, all you need is a computer and a broadband connection period.

    I'm glad you expose these adverts as the ridiculous pieces of shit they truly are.

  7. hahah great post. I havent seen the teacher ad, and my life will be better for it, until that happens. By the way, teachers get the most paid holidays per year as opposed to any profession, hippies excluded.

    2nd. i hate that white chick in that tampon ad and applaude the observations you've made.

    I also loved Audrey's comment of ' Is it too much to ask that we be sold 'sanitary' products by women that actually look like they menstruate?"


  8. Couldn't agree more re: both of these stupid ads.

    Would like to ad the toilet paper ad (can't remember what brand) since this is a paper-related-anti-ad-rant. The friggin' stupid folding or scrunching ad. Do you know the one I mean? The annoying kid going on about his family and how they fold or scrunch or whatever their bloody toilet paper. Come on! Who cares? And if anyone does why would it influence their toilet paper purchase?

    These ad people must be nuts or live in glass bubbles completely untouched by reality and the unwashed masses who inhabit it.

  9. Sorry DKG have to disagree with you there... I actually love that folding v. scrunching ad.... LOVE IT!

  10. another concern is that the pad
    is requested AFTER the tight pants and boots have been applied...perhaps a shoe horn is involved...i guess that showing how to apply any shaped pad with a shoe horn might violate ad censorship rules...

  11. Must be hell when you have to come up with a creative response for a product that basically has only one thing going for it - no other reason on earth to buy it - but it's the one thing you aren't allowed to actually say:

    1. sanitary pads soak up blood
    2. toilet paper wipes shitty bottoms.

    Hence all the emphasis on pads soaking up blue liquids (old-type advert)or pads being part of a SNAG-relationship (as if), and cute puppies racing around with streamers of loo paper in their wake.

  12. Re: the pad ad.
    I just LOVE asking my husband to fetch my sanitary products for me - which I for some reason don't keep in the bathroom where I will likely need them.
    And he just LOVES to oblige me with such a request, handling said sanitary products and then having a conversation about them with me, as though he were not slightly put off by my personal bodily functions which, besides grossing him out, mean that he won't get to have sex for several days to come.
    Yes, this ad is steeped in reality, friends.

  13. So many things wrong with the pad ad! I agree on all of your points and have to add that, I'm sorry, but I don't know a single girl who would ever wear skintight jeans if she had to wear a pad.

    a) has she heard of tampons? and if, for some reason she can't use these wonders of invention,

    b) why the hell would you put skintight jeans on with a pad? it would be highly uncomfortable and probably show an outline. Just the flattering look you want, your pad outline under your skintight jeans. Hot!