Thursday, July 06, 2006

It chops! It grates! It sharpens!

Apologies in advance for what might be a quite erratic post. I'm on my second vaginga (yes, you read that right - it's my very own personal cocktail of vanilla vodka and ginger work it out) and I think I've just gone through what must be the 17th breakup from one particularly troubled relationship. (I'm planning a big one for the 21st, you'll all be invited.)

At any rate, I was going to do another "It's time to go" post tonight (and believe me, there are some VERY strong contenders at the moment - watch out Rogue Traders, your days are numbered) but then I remembered how much fun it is to laugh at people who can't speak English, so I'm going down that road instead.

The other day when I was bored, I took a trip to one of my favourite shops, Hong Kong Hardware. For the uninitiated, Hong Kong Hardware is a magical shop that sells everything in the entire world. Want clothes pegs? Hong Kong Hardware. Need a telephone extension cable? Hong Kong Hardware. Out of essential oils? Hong Kong Hardware. It's the kind of place you walk into wanting to buy a pair of scissors and leave with a potato masher, a laundry basket and a screwdriver set.

On this particular occasion, I left with a knife sharpener I had bought for the princely sum of $2. Bargain, thought I. But the true value didn't become fully apparent until I had gotten it home and carefully examined the package.

Look what you can get for $2 these days...

When I read the packet properly it became clear that I hadn't bought just any old knife sharpener, I had bought a


Bloody hell, I thought. Someone must have put the wrong price tag on this baby! My suspicions grew as I read what else this amazing apparatus could do:

The what now?

Ah yes, "the olate of grinding onions". Whenever I'm grinding onions I wonder how much more olate it would be if I just had a better, perhaps MULTIFU-NCTIONAL apparatus to do it with.

I see...

"The cut of wrapped sausage", indeed. How often I have had a wrapped sausage and wondered just how to unwrap it. Well all that worry is gone now that I can just cut it, using my MULTIFU-NCTIONAL KNIFE GRINDING APPARATUS. On further inspection, the sausage-cutting part of the sharpener turned out to be just a hole, so clearly their marketing guy is working overtime. ("What can I say this hole is for? The cut of wrapped sausage, of course!") One might point out that if one's knives are sharp, one might not NEED a wrapped sausage-cutting tool, but hey, never turn down an added extra.

The pack also helpfully pointed out, in big red lettering next to a warning!! symbol, EVERYBODY CAN SHARPEN A KITCHEN KNIFE KC EASILY AND SAFELY, which made me kc feel even kc better about my kc purchase.

So as the alcoholic chef once said: I'm going to make another cocktail and go sharpen some knives.


  1. check this site out, it's a gem -

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  4. hmmmm.. not a fan of the ROGUE TRADERS eh?
    check out the post I made on Tuesday 6th of June 2006..
    fun for the whole family :)

    (oh, and apologies for any double posts here, wuz just trying to get the link code to work)

  5. Mere words cannot express my incredulity of this appliance... so I will simply state that Arrested Development is/was the funniest show ever.

  6. What an absolute crack up !!! Can i order one online ??

  7. Sorry Vitt, I don't think so... Although if you find one let me know.

  8. that's fantastic. why have a separate sausage slicer, onion grater and knife sharpener when one machine can do all three?

    Oh and I saw this site and it reminded me of your salad book of disappointment:

    there's even a flickr community making the recipes:

    great blog btw.