Saturday, July 15, 2006

It's time to go: 9am with David and Kim

"But what about the Rogue Traders?" I hear you cry. "And Shakira, for god's sake!" All in good time, my loves, all in good time.

After witnessing this absolute DOG'S BREAKFAST of a program earlier this week, I had no choice but to evict it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Honestly, dear readers, it is truly the most horrendous piece of programming I've ever seen. It's worse than Hey Dad. It's worse than Australia's Brainiest Footy Player. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say it's worse than The Wedge.

That's right: 9AM WITH DAVID AND KIM IS WORSE THAN THE WEDGE. (But ironically, funnier.)


Has anyone got a placebo?


David Reyne, who apparently doesn't know what a placebo is, and Kim Watkins have to be two of the worst presenters on television. When David's not saying something long-winded and stupid, Kim's screwing her face up, bugging out her eyes and shrugging her shoulders in attempt to look friendly and approachable. It makes me want to slap her.

If you work a 9-5 job it's unlikely you've had to endure this inane show yet, so congratulate yourself. But remember that one day you'll be stuck in bed with the flu, and you will have read all the books within reach, and you'll be too tired to get out of bed to get the paper, and you won't be able to go back to sleep because someone will be mowing their lawn next door, and the 2, 7 and 9 buttons on your TV remote will be glued stuck with some Ribena you accidentally spilled on it the night before, and under such unfortunate circumstances YOU MAY BE FORCED TO WATCH CHANNEL 10.

If you do, you will probably get something like this, which aired earlier this week:

SEGMENT 1: talking about adoption

David's first question is a cracker...

David: So...what...how...I mean, at what age can a child no longer be adopted?
Guest: *blank stare*
David: I mean, how old does a child have to be before it's ineligible to be adopted?
Guest: *blank stare*


Which is followed by some fumbling by Kim...

Guest: There are exhaustive tests done to ensure parents are suitable to adopt...
Kim: You guys have used the word "exhaustive" a couple of times - and adoption IS exhaustive and somewhat intrusive, isn't it?


I think you're confusing "exhaustive" with "exhausting" Kim. Take two placebos and have a lie down.
On to the next segment.

SEGMENT TWO: talking about parents with HIV

David shows his sensitive side as a guest pours their heart out on national TV...

Guest: I think you can imagine how I felt, I was 30, my kids were aged three and four, and BANG, you're hit with this diagnosis...
David: (wide eyed) And it's a DEATH sentence, really!
Guest: Well yes, I guess it is...


Luckily, Kim is there to pick up the pieces...

Kim: Every person who's diagnosed with HIV goes through that process of 'Who do I tell? How do I tell them?' but you had quite a positive experience, I understand.


Yes Kim, AN HIV POSITIVE EXPERIENCE.

You can almost hear the producers collectively slapping their foreheads as David exclaims "I would LOVE to get you on again to talk about this whole issue, I think it'd be really very interesting..."

And so we move onto a lighter subject:

SEGMENT THREE: cooking with cranberries

Kim: Cranberries are GREAT! And to show us some simple ways to include them in your child's lunchbox is Arianne Spratt. They're GREAT!
Arianne: They ARE great.
Kim: I've never eaten a cranberry.


But they're GREAT, aren't they Kim?

David: You know the best way to eat cranberries is with vodka.
Arianne: What? Soaked in it...and then drunk...or?
David: Nah, just vodka and cranberry juice.
Arianne: *blank stare*
David Ooh yeah!
Arianne: Oh. Yeah. Ok. (turns away)
Kim: (completely oblivious) Those craisins taste like a sultana!
Arianne: That's what I reckon but, yeah, nah... the young girl reckons they're definitely...nah...


Before what is supposed to be a relatively straightforward segment goes completely off the rails, David gets us back on track in a masterstroke of TV hosting, by discussing cranberry farming.

David: Why can't we grow them in Australia?
Arianne: I don't know. Maybe we don't have the...
Kim: Water.
Arianne: Brains.


The segment continues to collapse even further as David decides to make his own cranberry sandwich in the corner while Arianne and Kim try to make a smoothie with a blender that refuses to work. The whole thing degenerates into the most half-arsed cooking segment anyone has ever seen, and as the producers grab their coats and head for the door, we stumble jerkily into the next segment.

SEGMENT FOUR: talking about aged care

Again, we witness more of David's tender, emotional side...

David: Once a parent goes into aged care it's not the end of the relationship is it? A lot of people seem to think "Well, there goes mum, that's that." But you do continue to be involved, don't you?
Guest: I should think so!


As David's mum, who is watching at home, suddenly starts fostering stronger relationships with her OTHER children and the 9am producers start thumbing through Career One for new jobs, we're hit with an advertorial.

SEGMENT FIVE: advert for a new DVD and book series called Natural Killers

The DVD is basically hour after hour of things killing other things in spectacular fashion - sharks eating seals, crocodiles mauling impalas, tigers jumping on zebras.

DVD woman: Natural Killers is so good, it really makes you feel like you're there.


Excellent. There's nowhere I'd rather be than as close as possible to a rabid lion shredding a giraffe to pieces. It's a real pity other DVDs don't do the same thing, like Titanic, or The Towering Inferno.

DVD woman: Sit back and relax - imagine getting up close and personal with some of the world's most impressive natural killers. (video footage of a shark attacking a gorilla)


REALLY FUCKING RELAXING.

And that's about when I turned 9am with David and Kim off, and life once more seemed worth living.

For being the worst piece of daytime television I've seen in ages (and I've seen Passions), and for replacing Bert Newton and relegating him to the awful world of Family Feud where the lights are so harsh you can see his toupee unsticking, and for having two of the stupidest, most annoying hosts on TV, 9am with David and Kim: IT'S TIME TO GO.



19 comments :

  1. I had no idea such a thing existed...

    I KNEW day time TV was bad, but...

    How do people like this have a job? How do they keep that job? Why are people tuning in? I'm gonna record it in the morning. I just HAVE to see this for myself!

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  2. I've watched this joke of a talk show a few times only to find myself wanting to reach down my TV set and wring David's neck just to stop him from talking and making the most stupid comments!

    Kim: [says something about an "unnamed politican" ]
    David: so this politician has no name?
    Kim: well he does but we're just not allowed to disclose it ..
    David: but you said unnamed politican .. that means he has no name

    Oh dear everything that is holy, I wish David would just not open his mouth!

    This show is like an eclipse though. You know it's bad for you if you look directly into it but you just can't help but look!

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  3. This show is bollocks, but it's that type of refreshing bollocks one needs to watch every now again.

    It gives the little people like me hope that if i suck enough sav i might one day be able to host a crappy television show myself.

    If david can then we call can, and that is a heart-warming thought.

    God bless you david, you make feel blessed.

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  4. Brilliant. Just brilliant!

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  5. I've never heard of this show. I can't imagine why, since it's clearly high calibre television!

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  6. I leave the country for a few years and this is what happens to Australian TV!! I thought UK TV was bad, but this takes it to a whole other level. What a crak up! By the way, you made me laugh out loud in the office and now people are staring at me like I am some kind of wierdo ... again.

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  7. I watched this show once when on my holidays and I seriously saw the funniest thing EVER. They had organised a debate about, oh I think it was the Death Penalty, and they had these three guests on to debate the topic. I know, doesn't seem that funny... BUT... they had squashed the three of them onto a two seater couch! Two of them who were on polar opposites of the debate were squished up next to each other and had to uncomfortably shift their bodies around in order to start arguing with one another. Hilarious!

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  8. Oh man, SO glad someone else has seen this god awful excuse for "entertainment"... I hate how Kim says "and more of US after the break"... it's a brilliant argument for getting off my ass in the morning for the gym!

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  9. I just want to kill David for his patronising, arrogant comments, and Kim for playing up to be completely stupid and oblivious to how rude David actually is.

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  10. This article is great.

    It pains me to say that on April 24th I sent a lengthy email to the network that was much like this article. trying to make them seeeeee how terribly awwfull the show and host were. But alas, no reply and almost 5 months later the show is still going.

    I included this and other examples:
    "Reyne was trying to get across the differences between males and females with breast cancer and said "... with females you, you lose a whole breast!" and made nice big swooping arm movements in the most tasteless fashion emphasising an invisible breast on himself. I'm sure women who saw this and who have lost a breast to cancer really appreciated his enthusiasm."

    At least we've tried.

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  11. God have mercy on our souls.

    This has got to be the worst TV piece of drivel i have ever had to watch.

    I happen to watch 9am with David and Kim in the morning after a very big hangover. I swear, my hairs stood on end when i heard and saw his response to the woman with breast cancer.
    Do they even hear what they are saying??? How offensive and tasteless some things are??

    Someone from channel 10 needs to pull their tongue out of their ass and do something, anything, even if they replace it with something equally pathetic as long as i don't need to see them on TV.

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  12. Ahh ... and now they're into their 'Summer Series!'

    Looks like James Reyne wasn't the hardest one to understand in his family after all!

    Absolutely marvellous Blog, by the way!

    One of the three actual roll-on-the-floor-laughing-uncontrollably-for-real-couldn't-stop-no-foolin' times in my entire life was when I read your post on 'Dodgy Rock Leg Disorder' (http://blandcanyon.blogspot.com/2006/01/wolfmother-lead-singer-has-bigger.html for those who haven't seen it).

    The other two were an episode of Black Books and an episode of Ren & Stimpy years ago (which says something, I suppose, but I don't want to think what).

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  13. Er ... sorry.

    When I entered the URL for my last comment, I was 'be-stricken' with celebrity at the thought of commenting to you and thus did I fumble it.

    I'm now apparently some guy called 'blog' with a hotmail address.

    I hope this isn't an imposition, but would it be okay to ask you to clean up the mess I made? Then delete this comment? Or you could leave this one here and let everyone see how awestruck I was, I suppose. That'd learn me.

    (Or you could delete 'em both - agh!)

    Really, I am sorry for despoiling your page. I only wanted to leave a comment.

    (I on-ly wan-ted to leee-he-eeeave a commmm-enttt!)

    God. I'm such a bad houseguest!

    (It's times like this I need a smiley).

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  14. Hey Blog! I think I'll leave them both, I like them.

    And here's a smiley for you :)

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  15. Talk about a mutual appreciation society. I find it very amusing that you all seem to agree wholeheartedly with the inane comments of PetStarr but then most of you admit to never having seen the show. It is in fact quite an excellent program and the Kim/David team is one of the best pairings since Hydrogen and Oxygen.

    Stop taking a few lines out of context and denigrating an entire program.

    Whilst David does make a few ridiculous comments at times he cops it sweet when the criticism starts flowing in. Kim and David are both very human, real and down to earth. They are far less pretentious than the hosts of most other, similar, programs.

    Have you stopped to consider that the behviour at which you poke fun might just in fact be intended to put humour and lightheartedness into the program? So maybe the joke is on you.

    I have spoken to a at least one high-profile professional who regularly appears on the show and he finds it an incredibly pleasant and wothwhile experience. He also appears on numerous other programs so he isn't just saying this to retain his role on the show.

    I also find Kim to be one of the most genunely attractive and refreshing presenters on Australian TV.

    Give the show a break and enjoy it for what it is. Or go and watch another thousand nights of Big Brother and Australian Idol.

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  16. Anonymous - You know what *I* find highly amusing? The fact that you got to this blog by Googling the phrase "Kim Watkins legs nice". THAT is comedy. And as for David and Kim being the best pairing since Hydrogen and Oxygen - I guess that explains why they're both such drips.

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  17. Anonymous... what are you saying?? I find myself watching the show some mornings just for the cringe worthy comments David makes, and worse Kim's fake laugh to follow. I am almost addicted to the ridiculous and brainless comments the 2 make. I have just been watching and it infuriated me so much that i wanted to find a website so i could email them to tell them to get off their high horses. They have just shown a clip of Mary from "so you think you can dance" rather excited by one of their dancers and they come back from the clip saying "tell me we wont have anyone like her?" I know it would be a disaster to actually show a little personality David and Kim! They are by far the worst TV presenters ever to grace Austalian TV. Something must be done!!

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  18. I can't stand that show. For one David is a chauvinist pig with a face of a poorly evolved chimp.
    Two, Kim is just boring!
    And three, the setting of the show is just so dull and gloomy i just want to cry.
    How can anyone watch the show and say that it's good, seriously?

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