Thursday, August 31, 2006

Oz Idol wrap up: episode 4

"Where's episode 3?" I hear you cry. Yeah well, I was out (I HAVE a life, you know) and forgot to tape it. It's not my fault Idol's gone all freaky this year and crammed everything into one week, jeez.

At any rate, here's episode 4 for you, stop complaining.

First up is Raechel Lee.

How do YOU spell RACHEL?

Who? Seriously, does ANYONE remember her audition? Who cares, she looks really cute in a sparkly black dress, even if it is thrown over some 80s leggings, but I have to disagree with the Doc boots, clumping around underneath 3 inches of exposed white ankle skin. Errrrgh. At any rate Rachel (THAT'S how you spell it, missy) is extra cute and bouncy and fun, and I like her quite a lot. But man, the girl can't sing. She does Paul Kelly's I've Done All the Dumb Things - I think appearing on a national TV talent quest and demonstrating a complete inability to sing would probably qualify as one of those things. She's got great stage presence, so it's ap ity she sounds like utter crap. And what's with the leather stud cuff AGAIN? Perhaps she borrowed it from Amanda Streete in episode 2. Holden tells her she's got a great Aussie twang and declares this utter train wreck of a performance a "great start" to the evening. Ok, right, whatever. Marcia says "ditto with Mark" and then emphasises how important it is to be an individual. The irony is lost on her. Kyle says it was pretty good, but there was a lot of stumbling around. Everyone who was waiting for him to cane the performance is bitterly disappointed.

Next is Lavina Williams, who as we've all been told about A MILLION TIMES ALREADY, is the sister of Idol '05 failure, Emily Williams.

You know, she's OK.

Lavina has made a name for herself so far as an "oversinger" - one of those chicks who constantly gets their Aguilera on to cram about 5 million notes into one bar. She's also shown herself to be one of those ones who's had a "hard life" and constantly thanks God and their mum for "being there" and "giving support in the hard times" etc. The kind of contestant that Marcia gets the horn over, basically. In her auditions Lavina claimed she wanted to win Idol to "put Australia on the map". Um, honey, we already are - see, we're right there next to New Zealand. Sigh. Anyway, she looks GREAT tonight in a funky, tight fitting black jacketty-top thing, and flared pants with a tie - utterly awesome. She also sings an utterly awesome version of the mighty Aretha's Natural Woman, and positively cements her place in the top 12 with it. No one cares what the judges have to say, because clearly she's just won the whole thing and everyone can go home, but Marcia presses on, saying "Most importantly, welcome to the show". Uh, Marcia? She's been in the last 5 episodes you know. She also throws in a trademarked eubonics reference for good measure, adding "You tore it up, girlfriend". Holden struggles to take the earpiece to his iPod off, through which he's listening to Vanessa Amorosi, before the camera catches him but he shakes it off, saying "I can't fault you, but you're missing that burning fire". So...THAT would be the fault, then? Kyle says he "loved it, loved it, loved it" and then gives her a backhander by telling her she's a "bigger girl than most" but she looks good tonight.

I'd like to interrupt myself here by saying - how good is that new Extra chewing gum ad with the snowman following the girl around and carrying her handbag? Love it.

Anyway, back to contestant three which is Rebecca Pearce

She gives me the fear.

When Rebecca first appeared in the audition shows everyone wrote her off as a blonde model-type who wouldn't possibly be able to sing. We were proven right, but clearly the judges had access to some very good crack when deciding the top 24, and she somehow slipped through the net (probably easy to do when you're a size 6). In her video montage Rebecca announces in her best Kath and Kim voice: "Oi've bin pahforming all moi loife and it's in moi blood", which makes the rest of us think perhaps she needs a transfusion. She launches into some song from Days of Thunder that most people have wiped from their memories a long time ago (and with good reason). She sings two lines and immediately puts everyone into a coma. At one point it looks as though she might have forgotten the words, but it's possible she's just boring herself into catatonia and is struggling to stay awake. It's a bad karaoke performance in a party dress - when she squeals "Heavennnnnnnnnnnnn!" I want to stick a pencil in my eye. Or hers, whichever's easiest. Holden launches into a weird Alice in Wonderland type diatribe, saying "Tick, tick, tick, have I drifted into the Twilight Zone?" and then makes some weird reference to being in an Australian episode of Seinfeld where Rebecca is performing in the talent section of the Miss Wagga Wagga Pageant. Then he says she has the voice of a budgie, and that's that. It's one of his better speeches, even without an "izzle" or a "goonie goo goo" reference. Marcia rattles off something about being nervous, and advises Rebecca to "wipe everything out of her head" next time. Shouldn't be too hard, by the looks of her. Kyle says it was awful, he hated it, he REALLY hated it, it was bloody terrible, but we suspect that might just be because Tamara Jaber has been getting jealous and is watching at home to keep tabs on him.

Next up is the pride of Adelaide, Jessica Griffin.

The Crow (eater)

I'm still not sure about little Jess from Adders. I like her IN THEORY, but there's something not quite right. Does she have a speech impediment, or is she just a lazy talker? Who knows, but it is slightly annoying. It has to be said though - she looks bloody excellent. See Amanda Streete, THIS is what a rock chick looks like - black lace, fishnet stockings, cool gloves - Jess totally pulls it off. Unfortunately, she sounds terrible. She does Christina Aguilera's Fighter, and struggles with the speed and the pitch, not even attempting to hit any of the Aguilera-tastic power notes or vocal acrobatics. She's also shaking like a junkie in need of a fix, which we assume is to do with nerves. And then it happens, the final nail in the coffin, the full stop at the end of the sentence "I will never win Idol" - she goes for a big note and her voice splits in two, one half shooting off into the rafters while the other falls to the floor and limps off into the audience to curl up in her mum's handbag. "Ow ow ow owwwwww" she wails, and we feel her pain. Marcia says something about trust being the biggest issue here. Jess says "Yeah, and control, I just couldn't control my voice" and Marcia says "It's TRUST". Jess shuts up and nods. Holden says "Ahh Jess" about 57 times, and we suspect he might still be in the twilight zone. He then says she's "the real deal, Neil" and before she can tell him her name is actually Jess, not Neil, he's broken down in tears and we have to move on to Kyle. Kyle delivers the most bastard comment of the night, saying "It was a joke, everyone knows it was a joke, so why should I bother saying anything?" He then repeats this about five times, which possibly amounts to saying something.

And then we have Mark Holden's wet dream, 16-year-old Lisa Mitchell.

Cute as a button.

When Lisa first auditioned with her guitar and her funky little homemade folk song, I LOVED her. Gorgeous looking, humble, shy and cute with a great voice, she was going to be THE NEXT BIG THING. As the weeks have gone by though, I see that she's only 16 and therefore has no personality, and actually is a bit dull. She also has one of those five-year-old girl voices that seems to be so popular in Aussie music at the moment (I'm looking at YOU Sarah Blasko and The Waifs) that quite honestly drives me nuts. She comes out looking like she's off to a mate's barbecue in jeans and sandals and a t shirt with a vest, and perches herself on a stool to sing Ben Harper's Diamonds on the Inside. Sorry, I meant "diamEnds", because that's how she sings it. It's good, but it's BORING AS ALL HELL - she just sits there, looking shy and cute, and doesn't do anything out of the ordinary with the song. And yet the judges practically self combust with excitement. Holden tells her she's "utterly original" and that her version of the song was "totally different from the record version" - yeah, where that one was fun and groovy, this one was dull as hell. He then tells her she has the vocal strength of Cyndi Lauper, who Lisa has probably never even heard of. Marcia tells us that Holden is melting, so the tech guys turn the lights down a bit and we keep going. Kyle makes everyone stand and applaud, announcing "This girl could be the best thing to cvome out of this country musically" while simultaneously giving all the other contestants the finger and telling them to fuck off home. Yeah Kyle, THAT'S not a big call at all. ACDC, INXS, Silverchair, Powderfinger and Peter Allen can all get stuffed - this 16 year old schoolgirl from NSW is Australia's biggest musical export, and she hasn't even recorded anything yet. Take THAT!

The audience all gets up to go home and the stagehands start packing up the chairs before everyone realises there's one more to go, and with a heavy sigh, everyone sites back down for Lydia Denker.

Um...yeah, she's ok I guess.

She looks great, with her plaited hair tied back in a messy arrangement and a floor length hippie style dress. But somehow it's just all a bit "done before". Monkey boy announces she'll be singing the theme song from the 1988 Olympics, which we all suddenly realise was before the previous contestant was born. Creepy. Luckily, it's by WHITNEY FUCKING HOUSTON, who has been sadly under represented in Idol so far. As she swings the microphone around we can see Lydia has some musical notes tattooed on her wrist - it's amazing how far some contestants will go to remember the tune. She's not bad, but not memorable, maybe because we're all sick of W.F.H! It must be said however, that she has great teeth - they're on show all throughout this song as she never gets a chance to shut her mouth, what with all the power notes. Everyone gives her a standing ovation again, out of charity. As for the judges - who knows what they had to say, because my VCR switched channels early to tape Spicks and Specks and I missed it. Sorry about that. But here's what I think PROBABLY happened. Holden: "It sizzled my shemizzle but you know what, it's missing that twilight zone fire from Seinfeld in Wagga Wagga." Marcia: "You tore it up baby girlfriend honey darling just truss' it." Kyle: "It wasn't pus, but I just don't know if you can sell records like my girlfriend."

See you next episode, Idol beeyatches.


  1. Um, Jess is (or was) a prostitute ... she's literally a crack whore. I recall her serving me once at Australia's Pizza House.

  2. Petstarr can you please erase that last comment? It's just bollocks...

    Um... Yeah so much as I have against the ex, I felt quite bad for her. Her little heart broke when she finished that song...

    But one thing: She's also shaking like a junkie in need of a fix, which we assume is to do with nerves you can assume all you want on that one...

    Now as for Lisa? Watching tonights show you can see she's not just a 16 year old with no personality - the way she slyly, shyly grinned at the camera... The innocent thing is an act! She's a shyster! Its all a play! Good luck to her I guess...

  3. Are you suggesting, anonymous (if that IS your real name...) that being a prostitute should somehow preclude a person from achieving success or fame based on talents they have that are other than accepting money for sex? Because if that's true, then you're a bigger crackwhore than she could ever be. And further, for an 18 year old to have experienced that is quite sad and not something that at all makes her a bad person.

    Anyway, onto people that matter, Petstarr I completely agree with you about Lisa Mitchell. Sure, she's cute but can anyone say 'samey - think Missy Higgins'? The judges are doing her a real disservice by falling all over her so early on. And what was that junk with Kyle getting everyone to give her a standing ovation? Was anyone else as acutely embarrassed as me at that point? Because if you are I would totally understand. She's BORING and needs a hairband. And didn't she sing that song for her solo for the judges? Methinks she did.

    Lavina...meh. Good voice but boring. Can't stand all that Oh my God my mother is so strong crap. Who cares? And there's just something a little sad about chasing a competition your little sister was in.

    But it really shat me that the judges were so horrible to Jess but so timid with that Moulin Rouge bruiser - when clearly Miss Show Me Heaven cannay sing a bar to save a soul. Yikes.

    I want Bobby to take it out. He's got a voice like the after tremors of a particularly satisfying orgasm.

  4. Good priorities, PetStarr... Spicks and Specks is much more worthy of your tape... and time :)

  5. I came here via comicstriphero and by golly I'm glad I did. Absolutely spot on.

    Kyle was just nasty with the "joke" bit. It was terrible, yes, but you could see the poor girl was trying. Lisa is cute but she's not magic. Bobby is magic. Love Bobby. Even love his huge old chin. (Is Idol 4 Year of The Huge Chins or what?)

  6. i predict that in about 10 years time there will be an influx of children named 'anonymous' just so that when people say 'you commented anonymously' they can teach their children to say 'omigod ur such a li4r! its so my rl name!'

    i heard she stabbed someone. but, you know, this is adelaide. there's always someone who knows something about someone. like, how many people are there in this place? a million? dont you think there'd be enough girls to choose from? but no, your ex has to go out with your best friends workmate. or that guy who you thought might actually really like you? does he really need to break up with the girl he was with when you thought he liked you, and move in with your ex's sister? are those things really necessary? have i perhaps changed the whole point of my comment?

  7. Maybe, but it was a quality comment... ;)

    (she didn't stab anyone...)

  8. major speed freak - not crack whore.

    aussie pizza house is full of the kind of really bad speed that adelaide specialises in.