Saturday, September 30, 2006

Incredible Inedibles: Haw Flakes

As previously mentioned, I find supermarkets to be an endless source of mirth. In fact, I can barely wander through one without bursting into laughter at something (usually SPAM related) and embarrassing whoever I happen to be with at the time.

I find odd food products (particularly canned meat and variants thereof) endlessly amusing, and have often been tempted to buy Camp Pie just because of its funny name. I actually have a friend who is similarly afflicted and has an entire collection of funny canned foods proudly displayed on top of her microwave - including tinned Barbie spaghetti and some strange canned concoction involving sausages.

And with that I welcome you to the first of a new section here at the BC, Indcredible Inedibles, in which I blatantly rip off a similar section on one of my favourite blogs ever - The Sneeze's "Steve Don't Eat It".

What this means is that periodically I'll be buying strange food items that take my fancy and reviewing them for your reading pleasure. FINALLY - an excuse to buy that potted sausage with pineapple I've been eyeing off.

Today I'm kicking it off with the delightfully named HAW FLAKES, which I found last night at the Chinese supermarket.


I hope these have nothing to do with leprotic prostitutes.


OK, so there's a million much more strange food items to be found in a Chinese supermarket, but screw you, I'm not putting my health on the line for this shit. And they're called HAW FLAKES! It had to be done.

For the princely sum of 65 cents (I know - I already checked my watch to see if it's 1975 - it isn't) I scored 10 rolls of Haw Flakes in the one packet. TEN! Imagine what Chinese Whispers would do to news like that: PetStarr's got 10 packs of Haw Flakes at her place, pass it on - PetStarr's got 10 packs of whores at her place, pass it on - PetStarr has 10 fat whores on her face, pissing on. This was going to be great.

They looked suspiciously like fireworks, but they were in the sweet aisle, so what the hell were they? Let's check the ingredients:


Helpful.


Great. So Haw Flakes have haw in them. Excellent. Although the two serving suggestions - in front of the TV or in the park - were rather helpful. I chose the TV option, and excitedly ripped open a roll to find...


Riiight.


A bunch of hard discs the colour of offal. Oh christ, offal. I mean, I know the Chinese eat some weird shit, but surely NO ONE would mix cow arseholes and pig lips with sugar and call it a sweetie? SURELY?

As it turns out, I was right (in this instance, at least) - the "Flakes" taste fruity, like some sort of dried berry. More accurately, they taste rather like those cheap no name fruit bars you buy in bulk at the supermarket for kids' lunchboxes, or those dodgy pretend versions of Uncle Toby's fruit RollUps that kids get bashed up for having ("HA HA, THAT'S not a proper RollUp! Your mum's poor!" *THUMP!*)

So it seems "haw" is some sort of fruit. At least I hope it is - perhaps the Chinese have perfected a way to disguise the taste of pig lip and arsehole.



14 comments :

  1. Hello PetStarr,

    Long time reader, firster time commenter, etc.

    I can't believe that after a good couple of years of giggling at Haw Flakes in the Chinese supermarket, I discover that someone else ALSO finds these ridiculous.

    However, in my pathetic procrastination from my thesis, I have done some detective work on these little babies. Apparently they are made from the berry of the Hawthorn plant! So they are in fact flakes of Haw...

    I know, I know, I was as shocked as no doubt you are, but Haw is apparently a legitimate fruit.

    Okay, reading back over this lengthy comment, I have realised that this is not as exciting as I think it is, and will skulk back to just lurking on your blog.

    Cheerio.

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  2. Ha! That's great. I'm so glad you've taken Steve's torch - he hasn't done a "don't eat it" in ages. Perhaps he was too traumatised by the prison wine. Or the chocolate breast milk. Can you give those Spam single slices a go? I know they're a bit obvious, but I was quite disturbed by those in Coles the other day.

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  3. I do this with a friend of mine - swap strange foods and make each other eat them. I have given her the single-serve Spam, but I don't think she's approached it yet. And if you're ever back at an Asian supermarket, she recommends the roasted broadbeans (in a little packet like potato chips) and the Strawberry Ice Cream Fanta.

    PS. Your doorbitch made me write 'onohsob'. Is there something you need to share with the class?

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  4. Hi PetStarr, I'm pleased to see you're taking up the weird food challenge. Could you roadtest "Marshmallow Fluff"? I saw it at Coles and tried to convince the boy wonder to try it, but he refused. I feel that it may be designed as a toast topping, but I dont want to put any boundaries on this, go right ahead and spread it, dip it or even spoon it straight from the jar as you see fit!

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  5. Blenny, I will certainly look into it. I have heard of Marshmallow Fluff from certain American friends who assert that it is a delicious sandwich filling, but I don't necessarily believe then.

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  6. LMAO this was funny. However, after reading Shiney's comment, the whole Haw Flakes thing isn't THAT funny anymore.. I can't stomach those things. It's been maybe 6 or more years since I've had one. I used to go to school with lots of asian students.. so there you go.. I've tasted extremely weird crap. I thought your bit on the 47% turkey was great. I'll definately be checking the meat content next time I buy cold meats..

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  7. Fluff is scary. Its like someone wasn't happy with the amount of sugar there is in sugar, so they made Fluff.

    And it doesn't exactly digest, if you know what I mean...

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  8. I got all excited when I read the title of this post as "incredible inedibles"... but was disappointed when you settled for fruit rollup from the candy isle.

    "OK, so there's a million much more strange food items to be found in a Chinese supermarket, but screw you, I'm not putting my health on the line for this shit."

    Chicken!

    If it's good enough for BILLIONS of others around the world it must have something going for it.

    Go for something with a higher gross-out factor, like duck eggs with a half-matured fetus inside, or fallopian tubes in congee (or stewed, yum!), or sea urchin.

    Mmm. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

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  9. 65 cents is a great score, though. :)

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  10. Please PetStarr, please do a review of Calpis.

    This clearly hilarious and refreshingly delicious Japanese drink is so neglected by the blogosphere. We're counting on you.

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  11. zzymurgy I'm a little worried that their product 'Amealpeptide' not only sounds a little like 'Analpeptide' but also bears a striking similarity to a butt plug.

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  12. oh my gosh, i love these things!! i had to laugh at the shot of the ingredients though. that always baffled me too.

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  13. ps. just did some research:

    haw 1 noun the third eyelid or nictitating membrane in certain mammals, esp. dogs and cats. ORIGIN late Middle English (denoting a discharge from the eye): of unknown origin.

    haw 2 |hô| noun the red fruit of the hawthorn. ORIGIN Old English haga, of Germanic origin.


    lets hope its the latter..

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  14. This is my favourite post. I had never seen these before, perhaps the only sane one here?
    But anyway, thanks for making me laugh- feels good when you're stuck at home with the flu.
    Oh, and g'day from Sydney, nice to stumble on another Aussie blog!

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