Sunday, September 24, 2006

Oz Idol wrap up: 3rd semi final - "Number Ones"

Check it out - they're still going through the contestant recap on TV and I'm already writing a wrap up for you beeyatches. See how much I love youse all?

So tonight is the rather unfortunately titled "Number Ones" night, where each contestant has to sing a song that's made it to number one. We assume that means in Australia, but who knows - if Reigan Derry were still on the show she'd probably choose to sing "Kwame Mo Mugambo", an obscure number one hit from Kenya in 1978. Thank god she got voted off last week.

Ken Doll and Monkey Boy ask Marcia what it's like to have a number one record. Marcia says it's pretty nice. Holden says it's the biggest buzz in the world. They don't bother asking Kyle, as no songs on the King Kyle label have ever made it to number one and he wouldn't know anyway.

Then they introduce Idol's two "performance coaches", William A. Forsythe and John Rowe, who sound suspiciously like characters from a Sherlock Holmes novel. Everyone wonders where the hell they've been for the past three weeks while Lisa Mitchell has been shuffling around like an alzheimers sufferer.

Anyway we kick off with Klancie "Shania" Keough who says she feels she really "broke through" in her last performance, when she anyone remember? Anyway she then informs us that she's petrified of performing. Clearly she doesn't realise the rest of us feel the same way. She comes out in the most horrific polyester/rayon black-netting-over-grey-shiny-lining number you've ever seen, straight from the 70% off rack at Table 8 Harbourtown, teamed with Spendless shoes and a silly grin. As she slurs her way into (yes you guessed it) Shania Twain's If You're Not In It For Love, squinting into the camera with her hair greased up and half sticking to her face and sweat glistening on her neck, and strutting around the stage trying to look sexy, she looks like a pissed-up bride on her hen's night. All that's missing is a plastic glitter tiara with condoms hanging off it to complete the picture. She even throws in a few drunken "WOO!"s, the kind you do in the Parachilna pub at 4am after 10 Bacardi Breezers when Britney Spears comes on the jukebox and the security guard is trying to get you down off the bar but you know secretly he thinks you're hot.

Holden says he wanted to get his barbie sizzling but Klancie's snag was underdone. Then he calls her an enormous dag. So it's a good start. Marcia says she did a darn good job, and comiserates that it's not easy to move around when you're not used to moving. We wonder at which point Klancie was a bedridden paraplegic, but Kyle butts in before we can remember. He says she was damn sexy. I guess if you like your women looking like the rohypnol is just kicking in, sure, she did. Then he says she's come from zero presence to 90% - he's obviously borrowed the Idol calculator Holden used on Reigan Derry last week.

And then it's on to Damien "Diddle-dee-dee" Leith, or at least it would be if thousands of viewers hadn't just changed channels in disgust at the sight of a pale, white Irishman trying to dance R&B style with the two performance coaches. Shudder. Clearly taking fashion notes from last week's special guest Sheridan Tyler, Damien is wearing a black jacket, jeans and a white shirt. Original. He wins votes from insomniacs across the land with his performance of some Ronan Keating song which puts everyone to sleep instantly. He rips out a bit of his falsetto again, but yada yada yada we're all bored with that trick. Yawn. Bring Klancie back, at least she gets her tits out occasionally.

Marcia tells him he has a fine instrument, and it's just "BING". Those Reader's Digest "Increase Your Wordpower" articles clearly haven't been working for her then. Holden proves once again that he knows all the industry lingo by thanking Damien for shortening his phrasing. He also says Damien is delicious. We all wonder what an Irishman tastes like. Shamrock? Kyle says if all of the songs Damien had sung on Idol so far were on a CD, he would buy it. I say if all of the songs Damien had sung on Idol so far were on a CD, it'd be the kind you buy for $4.50 at the petrol station. Damien leaves the stage to go race horses somewhere.

Next up is Lavina "I'm Really Missy Elliot" Williams. She tells us how she loves to dance even when there's no music, and how that probably scares people a bit. Not as much as the crazy shit she gets around in. Tonight she's wearing a studded cap, baggy shirt and Adidas trackies with hoop earrings that look big enough to be handcuffs (perhaps they were once?) - clearly she has been held up with Idol rehearsals on the way to fanging it down to Westfield to hang out with her ladies outside Timezone and eat Maccers fries. Fortunately she changes in time for her performance of Don't Leave Me This Way - a blue satin lace-up disco milkmaid top Reigan Derry was going to wear if she'd stayed this week, but instead lovingly folded and left on Lavina's bed with a note saying "Love ya Lavs, kick BUTT next week!" before she was voted out of the house. It would have been so easy for her to be amazing with this song, but in the end she's just ok. Perhaps I'm just being distracted by her camel toe.

Holden says she's got the chops required to be a star. So THAT'S why the Idol backstage BBQ was cancelled tonight. Marcia tries to take us all back to 1983 again by saying "You go girlfriend, that was bad!", where bad actually means good. Kyle says it actually WAS bad, and not in a good way, and reckons Lavina has a connection problem. Hopefully she'll be able to get onto I.T and have it fixed by next week's show.

Then we have Chris "Facial Hair" Murphy, losing fans and ruining his chances with a bit of Phil Collins' Take a Look at Me Now. We ARE looking, Chris, and frankly we're a bit put off. For someone who could be Kram from Spiderbait's long lost twin brother, it's a crime he's not trying a bit of Black Betty or Buy Me a Pony here, but I digress. He also has gone for the black jacket and jeans look but, unlike Mr Leith, Chris has shwon some intiative, going for a BLACK shirt instead of a white one. It's THAT sort of innovative thinking outside the square that wins competitions like this, son, good on you. Unfortunately his outfit isn't enough to distract us from the fact that he completely arses up the end of the song, and that the song was pretty lame anyway.

Marcia says it's nice to see him sitting solidly and delivering. Standing solidly. Anyway it's nice to see him sitting. Standing. Where are those bloody pills? Holden says she's like a lioness protecting her cubs, which sends Marcia into a psychedelic chemically-induced trip out in which she thinks she's stalking antelope in the African savannah. He tells Chris he looked uncomfortable. Marcia roars and paws at the desk, baring her teeth at Holden. Kyle tells Chris his beard is nice and ungreasy, but the song was lame. Chris complains to Ken Doll and Monkey Boy that every time he picks an 80s song he gets trashed for it. Holden says that's absolute rubbish. Chris says he was actually talking to Kyle. Kyle rolls up his sleeves and suggests they take it to the carpark. Marcia says nothing, having picked up the scent of giraffe from across the auditorium. And then it's time for Dean Geyer.

We see a montage of the two performance coaches salivating all over the lovely Dean as he pulls some spastic dance moves, pointing his finger in the air and bending his knee like John Travolta. "That's hot, HOT!" squeals one, while the other sends a text message to his girlfriends saying "O MY GOD I LUVS DEAN SOOO MUCH! HE IS TOTALLY HOT. CHAT LATERZ XX"

Clearly Dean overheard Kyle's earlier comment about Damien Leith's Idol album and has decided to put his own together - BOGAN ANTHEMS VOLUME 1 - as he launches into The Goo Goo Dolls' Iris. The only thing that saves this performance is his unbroken stare into the camera, a trick he learned in episode one. Girls and gays all over the nation are transfixed by his steely blue eyes as he performs some sort of mind control on us, and suddenly I feel like signing up with Telstra mobile and buying a new Mazda. Zoom zoom zoom. But then he has to blink to stop his retinas from burning up, and the spell is broken. As the string section kicks in we start to feel that maybe Dean has this one in the bag. Sure it's a classic scrubber wedding reception song, but maybe, just maybe he's got the goods to pull it off. And then he turns his back to the audience, sticks his hand in the air and points, crooking his leg like John Travolta. You can almost hear Mr Forsythe gushing "Hot, that's SO HOT!" backstage.

Marcia says it was a convincing performance, and advises him not to compete with anybody but himself. Yeah great idea, I can see that working: "Remember - Dean is only competing against himself this week so don't vote for anyone else." Holden says his chest range is getting stronger, and that he's smoking. Are the two related? Scientists are currently working on the answer, but don't be surprised if Dean's next performance comes with a Surgeon General's warning. Kyle says there's no stopping Dean because he fixes things instantly. Well at least he can fall back on being a tradey if the whole singing thing doesn't work out.

Then it's Mutto with one of my personal favourite karaoke songs, Hoobastank's The Reason. The main reason it's my favourite is because I can always get top score on Singstar with it. Which must mean it's not really that hard to sing. Mutto should romp it in. He doesn't. In fact, he slows it down and drowns it in 1980s-ness to the point where it sounds like Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time. Backstage, Klancie gets excited and starts pulling on her black lace leotard and getting the cannon ready, but it's too late, Mutto's already hit the chorus: "And the reason is YO! And the reason is YOU!" Which is it Mutto, YO or YOU? I'll tell you what it is, it's EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE LAST PERFORMANCE! Enough of this Bono style punching the air, crouching down and meaningful staring to power rock songs. Let's get funky up in this bitch, yo! Or you. Whichever.

Holden says he likes him as a bloke but that he's flatlining. Marcia says in Holden's world maybe he's in trouble, but in Marcia's world she's having tea and biscuits with teddy bears and kittens sprinkled with diamond dust, and Mutto is serving the sandwiches. Then she tells him not to speak again, and makes him go the rest of the night writing down his responses to questions to conserve his voice. Kyle says it's the same thing week after week. Mutto argues that he slowed it down so people could get to see the beauty of the lyrics. Kyle says no one cares about that shit. For once we all agree.

Next up is Jessica "Whitney Aguilera Clarkson" Mauboy, looking slightly scary in a floor length white evening gown that has eaten her feet. We can't work out if she's going to her wedding or her high school formal, but her hair, makeup and accessories are all fabulous. REALLY not sure about that dress. But she sings Christina Aguilera's Beautiful so well, we don't really mind. She finishes triumphantly and the audience applauds for about 25 minutes - has Holden gotten stuck in the toilet or something? No, he's there, let the judging begin.

Marcia says "Jessica" about 13 times, and then says something else. That's really all you need to know. Holden says she's beautiful and then gives the first touchdown of the season - YES! WE'RE IN TRUE IDOL COUNTRY NOW, HONEY! The crowd stands, cheering. People are crying, strangers are hugging each other, there's dancing in the streets, church bells are ringing through the suburbs... And then Kyle ruins it all by talking about kids dying in the street and how politicians should be doing more about it. Or something.

Then we have Bobby "I'm So Unique" Flynn. The performance coaches note that he has "a very unique way of moving" and wonder where it comes from. Judging by last week's epileptic-style hand jiggling, we wonder if maybe it comes from a congenital birth defect. He steps on stage in a brown velvet jacket and everyone realises how much he actually looks like the crazy frog.

Spot the difference

Thankfully he doesn't SING like the crazy frog, but it cements my preferences for listening to him, and not looking at him. Actually take that back - has he forgotten the lyrics? Admittedly he's singing Arthur's Theme but that's no excuse. He slurs his way through, looking bored, sounding like shit, and not particularly caring that he's forgotten half the song. He also throws the microphone stand to the floor in a very lacklustre way - it's what punk would be if they played punk on MIX 102.3.

Holden is furrowing his brow and resting his head on his hands to show how concerned he is. He says he's lost for words. Then he makes the most obvious joke of the night by telling Bobby he looked like HE was lost between the moon and New York City in that song. Amanda Streete yells out "BOOM BOOM CHING!" from the audience. Marcia channels a high school guidance counsellor and says "Bobby, talk to me. What's up?" to which Bobby replies that he just got caught in a trap. Everyone thinks how much better it would have been to do THAT song instead. Kyle asks him if anything bad is going on in his life right now, and expects a truthful answer on national TV. "Yeah Kyle, actually I've decided I'm gay and I'm wondering how to tell my family. Oh whoops - there you go!" Marcia asks if he's missing his family. Ken Doll asks him if he's ok. We all wonder when they're going to give up AND LET THE MAN GET ON WITH HIS LIFE.

Hola, it's Ricky Muscat, with some song about Hard to Say I'm Sorry. Does anyone really remember this one? Is it Boys 2 Men? The tune is familiar but did this honestly get to number one? Who cares - it seems Ricky has dropped the crazy facial gymnastics, which is enough reason to celebrate.

Marcia says she liked some of the stuff he sang. Not all of it, just SOME of it. Holden says it was an ambitious song choice, and it was out of his league. It must be a pretty sad day when a Boys 2 Men song is deemed too hot for you to handle. Kyle says he looks like he's stepped out of a Nick Giannopolous movie. Nick Giannopolous immediately gets on the phone to Harry M Miller to stitch up screen rights.

And then it's Lisa "Yawn Shuffle Shuffle Yawn" Mitchell, who once again is saying something completely inaudible about movement to the performance coaches, who are politely nodding and smiling whilst trying to lipread her. My money was on her singing Missy Higgins' Scar for this episode, but instead she's opted for Vanessa Carlton's 1000 Miles which is practically the same song, so everyone who took me up on my bet technically owes me $10. OK, OK, I'll settle for $8. Clearly the performance coaches gave up on trying to help her to do anything resembling movement, and have once again resorted to plonking her on a stool in the centre of the stage. At one point she gets off the stool and walks to three steps to the front of the stage, and everyone cheers as if she was a paraplegic who's just stepped out of her wheelchair for the first time since "the accident". She stands there, pigeon-toed, in her Jay Jay's outfit, for the rest of the song.

With eyes sparkling, Holden tells her it's a pity she's been criticised so much in the last few weeks, clearly forgetting that he was the one actually leading the charge. He says he loves what she just did, it was lovely, and she's lovely, and he's got those adoption papers all ready to go if she just wants to sign them after the show. Marcia says it blew her away. Kyle welcomes her back from oblivion. Holden says the fact that she didn't need her guitar tonight proves that she has developed as a performer. No, actually it proves that there's no guitar IN that song, Holden.

And so closes another night of Idoltastic deliciousness. More a night of steaming number twos than number ones, in my opinion, but who cares what I think? Assuming you DO care what I think, my money's on Mutto, Bobby Flynn and Lisa Mitchell for the bottom three...


  1. Good recap, as always. =)

    Although I have to say, Dean and his "bogan anthems" are probably helping him stay in - I'd rather hear a song I know being slaughtered than a song I don't know sung really well. And I have all those songs on my itunes.

    "the main reason it's my favourite is because I can always get top score on Singstar with it." HAHA! I think we're channeling each other; that's the exact same thing that I said as I was watching it last night.

    Bottom 3; Klancie, Mutto, Bobby? Out with Klancie or Mutto, methinks.


  2. I believe it was actually AzYet that did the cover of Hard to Say I'm Sorry, not Boys 2 Men. Quite disturbed that I know that!
    Stangely Dean has no effect on me other than making me crack up laughing when he stares down the camera trying to be all seductive.
    And lastly, Bobby, I must be missing something cos I can't stand his style.

  3. you do unnatural things to me. mreow. purrrrrrr

  4. Was 'Hard For Me to Say I'm Sorry' a Chicago song or Peter Cetera as a solo artist? Plus, the Phil Collins song is actually called 'Against All Odds'... not that I'm a nitpiicker

    Love your recap (especially the call about Reigan), but tend to disagree regarding the probably bottom 3. Lisa was the best she's been so far and thus, given that she hasn't been bottom 3 before, should be safe as houses. Bobby clearly has quite a fanbase and I reckon they'll forgive him this once.

    Bottom 3: Mutto, Ricky (bottom 3 last week when he was quite good so surely doomed) and either Lavina (who I think just lacks much of a fanbase) or Chris (please let it be him!!) Am not sure why people seem to think Klancie is so likely to go - I think the country bumpkins will see her through until the last 6 or so at least.

  5. As much as I heart Bobby, he sucked last night. I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT ELSE MIGHT BE GOING ON IN HIS LIFE but there was a fat chance he'd say anything there and then (thick judges).

    I think the bottom three SHOULD be Lisa, Mutto and Dean; but will proddly be Mutto, Klancie and Bobby.

    In which case Mutto should say bye bye.

  6. Next person to say "vulnerability" on Idol gets a bitchslapping. Nobody likes vulnerability, especially in Muttos.

  7. and the worst prediction ever goes to... ME!

    So agonisingly close to Dean going, but so far :(

    And who the fuck is voting for Mutto????

  8. This makes me want to watch Idol. This makes you dangerous.

    And thanks weasel for identifying that Phil Collins song ... I was droning it to myself to try and figure out the actual title, but ended up going, "nah nah nah" through the crucial line as I can't remember EVERY Phil Collins song word perfect, I mean give me a break.

  9. Top recap! Vikki, I am with you on Dean ... yes, I think he has nice 'bone structure' - but as you said the 'seductive' stares are disturbing.
    Plus, his eyes are just too close together or something.

  10. P.S. I am not sad that Klancie left ... she bothered me ever since she carried on when she got in to the top thirty - so insensitive to the other girl!
    Klancie did a couple of good performances though.

  11. This was hilarious!!! I had to stop myself from laughing out loud so my work colleagues wouldn't hear me.. Funny stuff. thanks for the memories.

  12. Brilliant stuff. You make Idol worth watching - well, almost.

  13. You Aussies have quite a unique brand of humor there!

  14. Holy shit, this was very funny. Thanks for the laughs.

  15. haha that was great. I think that dude above looks like SideShow Bob, and he sounds a little bit like Jeff Buckley crossed with Joe Cocker.

    Not sure I like him.


  16. I think they all looked kinda bored and over it. ALREADY.
    I know I am. But like a road accident, I'm compelled to watch.