Friday, September 01, 2006

Oz Idol wrap up: episode 5, filler-a-thon

We start by kicking out all of the chicks from episode 2, except for Lavina "Emily's sister" Williams and Lisa "I'm actually five" Mitchell. Lavina has fallen from fashion grace by wearing a bizarre 70s disco top that looks like cheap wrapping paper, and it's clear Raechell and Lydia have been out on the piss all night because they're still wearing what they wore for their performance the night before. Lisa gets through, Holden does a dance, and she sings Diamonds on the Inside for about the five millionth time. She seems a bit lost without her stool to sit on though - fast forwarding through her dull-as-dishwater performance makes it a lot more entertaining, as she looks a bit like a dementia patient shuffling about the stage. Lavina sings, she is great, then thanks god about 10 times, and Monkey Boy rolls on into the next segment, which will no doubt be something really exciting.

Oops, spoke too soon. Next we're introduced to some joker called Josh Zepps who will apparently be thrilling us no end throughout the series by bringing us the "backstage gossip" every night. Who is he? Who cares?

Then they waste more time by showing a clip from Jon Butler Dan England from Idol 05 who apparently has a new song coming out this weekend. Great.

Then we have to sit through Guy Sebastian's new song called...well, who cares? He's wearing a brown anorak and black pants, which is enough to make me hit fast forward. Honestly, I wish someone would slap him upside the head and say "Guy, sing something FUNKY for fuck's sake! We're all sick of hearing romantic power ballads and weird Christian-influenced songs about being lifted higher on the wings of whatever the fuck. JUST BE STEVIE WONDER, ALRIGHT?" And if I hear ONE MORE SONG that ends with a tinkly flourish of chimes, I'm going to punch the radio. Monkey Boy marvels at how easy it is to forget how good Guy Sebastian is. Even easier when he sings shite like that.

Then we see a bit of "the making of" footage from Guy's latest video shoot, where he lets us all in on the "magic" of making a video clip.

Still awake? Just checking.

Then there's an ad break - and there's an ad for McDonald's Deli Choices rolls, which is very colourful with twangy music, and one for a new car that looks super speedy and good, and there's that new one for chewing gum with the snowman that I like, and it's all very exciting and then...we're back to Idol. Sigh.

Monkey Boy introduces Anthony Callea, who is in Sydney and on a video link up. Judging by his jaunty nautical-inspired outfit I'm guessing he's given up on his pop career and joined an amateur production of Dames At Sea in which he's playing Second Seaman. He then ruins Channel 10's el-crappo attempt at TV magic by revealing that he's not actually standing in front of Sydney Opera House, it's just a blue screen with a photo on it. No one is surprised. He advises all the contestants to "give it all you've got" and then wanks on about some new album he's been working on in America. The poor loser contestants, who have thus far been forced to sit in on every show despite being voted out, are then made to ask the four foot guru sucky questions like "How important is song choice in this competition?" and "What's been the highlight of your career?" and "Who are you again?"

Then there's another ad break, and gosh, THIS time there's a very spunky one for a new hair colour, and a mobile phone, and then ANOTHER McDonald's ad, and they're all so colourful and animated and...damn, it's back to Idol again.

We're finally into the business end of the show now, and they announce the wildcard entries for this year: fat Jesus, Terence Trent D'Arby, the "rock chick", Marty '05 version 2, Chris Graffitti (hey, his name is funny enough as it is), Ricky Martin, the Bonester and the KKK.

(That'd be Chris Murphy, Nathaniel Willemse, Amanda Streete, Guy Mutton, Chris Graffitti, Ricky Muscat, Brendan Boney and Klancie Keough.)

With half the girls in the final 24 left sitting at side of stage, it looks like the loser bench at a 1950s high school prom. There'll be tears before bedtime.


  1. So is Amanda Streete actually Lee Harding?

  2. Australian Idol is the dog's bollocks, but I just need to say that Bobby is (insert soppy superlative here).

    But Bobby, you've actually got talent and can write songs, so don't go on Idol the talent crusher!

    After the Idol machine has chewed you up, spat you out and danced on your bloody carcas you'll have no chance of a credible recording career, and will sadly be reduced to be some sort of poster boy for gigantism.

    Ahhh Bobby...still you might finally convince me to send in a vote after how every many years of this show there has been.

  3. Heeee another Idol-wrapper-upper-er!

    Had to have a laugh - I LOVE that damn snowman. I want one!


  4. update! we need more idol wrap ups!

  5. errrrr u are a hottie ( lame enuf?) hehe x

  6. I must humbly admit to only knowing Dan England from "Thank God You're Here" and "Neighbours". Thank you for the warning about the Idol link.

    Just tell us he's not covering an Iconic Australian Classic (Caps intended)?

  7. Um, it's another ex-Idol Dan who's on Neighbours. And what's the Thank God You're Here reference? Don't remember seeing any ANY of the Idol Dans on TGYH - and can't quite imagine it.

    And yes, please update! This is a brilliant homage/piss-take and I'm hanging out for the next instalment ...

    Oh, and while I'm here: go Bobby! (yes, for second place and a real career), Chris Murphy is the next Idol bound for Neighbours (in fact, the next Toady), and Reigan is a scary Christian type who probably attends the Paradise Assembly of God equivalent in her state (Hillsong?)

  8. Your Idol updates are hilarious! Please give us more!!

  9. Guy sang "Taller Stronger Better" that night. Then last week he sang "Can't stop a River" and he will be singing "Elevator Love" at the Idol Finale. I predict you will like it.

    Guy's a great singer. I've met him a couple of times and he's a total BABE. Check it out:

  10. Oops! For HOT Guy pic try this url: