Sunday, October 15, 2006

Oz Idol wrap up: 5th semi final - "Idols' Choice"

For those of you pressed for time, here's a quick summary of tonight's show:

  • Everyone sucked except Dean Geyer


And that pretty much sums it up.

Initially I was surprised by this, considering that Geyer-than-Christmas has been coasting by on his good looks and strange chest hair for weeks with the occasional bit of gymnastics. But then I noticed this graphic on the Idol website and saw that our God-loving Sith Ifriken Dean truly does have the lord on his side:


Praise the lord


Obviously the neon crucifix is my own addition, but I don't think it's all that inappropriate, considering Dean's recently acquired sense of Las Vegas style showmanship.

At any rate tonight's theme is "Idols' Choice", which basically means that unlike every other episode in which the Idols have been held at gunpoint by the song choice police and forced to choose really bad songs, they are now left to their own devices to choose really bad songs. Oh, and apparently they get to play an instrument too. I wonder what the hell Ricky Muscat will be playing but then remember that we all got to see his instrument a few weeks ago in the "Year You Were Born" episode.

Without a hint of irony in his voice Kyle predicts it will be the best night EVER. Then Marcia says HOLY HELL WHAT IS THAT WOMAN WEARING? Sorry, I have no idea what either she or Holden said at this point because I am so distracted by the fact that her shirt collar appears to have vomited white lace all over her front. Teaming that with an ultra crap faux Chanel pink jacket she's clearly been delayed in the studio on her way to a 1980s themed party dressed as Prince. Or possibly to an Iron Chef themed party dressed as Chairman Kaga. Even Liberace would have deemed this number "over the top".

Thank goodness we have the style and grace of first contestant and fashion plate Bobby Flynn to ease the burning of our retinas. As long as he's not dressed like a futuristic, makeup-wearing pool boy golf caddy this week we can relax. He's singing Fleetwood Mac's Rhiannon, which Ken Doll introduces by saying "If you're a girl born in the late 70s chances are your parents named you after this track." Yeah, well if you're a girl born in the late 70s chances are you're watching CSI right now. But I digress. In a very understated white pin striped shirt and jeans, Bobby perches on a stool with his guitar, Lisa Mitchell style, and promptly launches into a really bloody boring rendition of a song most viewers will only know by the fact that they're occasionally forced to listen to it when their parents are driving them to a slumber party with MIX 102.3 on the stereo. He goes for some high notes, misses them, tries again, misses again, and we are all treated to a delightful crack in his voice we never knew existed. Strangely enough though, it all sounds like he actually meant to do it and so we still love him.

Holden (who after last week's "red braces" incident has gone for the safe option and dressed in all black, perhaps in an attempt to be mistaken for Johnny Cash) tells Bobby he's becoming a concept and is in danger of becoming predictable. Not that Holden would know anything about being predictable. Hey, he wore crazy red braces last week! He then further demonstrates how unpredictable he is by waxing on about "the plateau of Bobby" which exists in "the far off planet of Bobbyland". UNPREDICTABLE, Holden, not INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Marcia says she loves what she does. Once again, we struggle to see the point. But Marcia's self-love is trumped by Kyle, who shocks the nation (not to mention Mr Flynn and his girlfriend) by announcing that he thought Bobby was going to blow him tonight. Colour Bobby surprised.

The word you're looking for there, Kyle, is "away". You thought he would blow you AWAY.

He cleverly covers his gaffe by comparing Bobby to Star Wars. Smooth. He also says he feels a bit deflated after that performance, but it's probably nothing a good blow wouldn't sort out.

Next up is the newly dubbed Disco Deano, who as we already know, has the almighty power of The Lord on his side and will smite all in his path in order to ascend to his rightful place on the Idol throne from where he can make the world of modern pop a more righteous place to be. Given that any old arse can pick up a guitar and immediately score praise, admiration and sexual favours from attractive chicks, Deano should be a shoo-in with this challenge, given that he is a big old slab o' man beef and all. Thakfully he's given up his girly t shirt collection for a more manly black collared short-sleeved shirt, which makes him look rock with the added benefit of showing off his rather nice biceps. His hair might not have moved a millimetre since his last performance but Deano's attitude has certainly changed - he is ALL ROCK tonight with a performance of All the Way Down by some random band they like to play on Triple M just before announcing where you can pick up an icy cold can of Coca Cola from the Black Thunders parked at Centro Colonnades. He's strumming away and wailing and Dean, Dean, Dean, welcome back to hotness, my friend! It truly is amazing what guitars can do for young men - they really should be available on the public health benefits system. And then all of a sudden - BAM! - he ditches the guitar and starts grooving, pointing at the audience. A dozen girls think hopeful thoughts about going all the way down on Dean, including Kyle who is still wondering when Bobby is going to blow him. And then he gives his trademark Tom Cruise smile (actually, I guess that would be Tom Cruise's trademark, but what clout does HE have any more to get it back?) and it's all over.

Marcia says the mic stand is the only think stopping Dean from being a member of the audience. Everyone muses on what this might mean, but we quickly move on to Holden who says it was a "crackerjack performance on so many levels". He is practically wetting himself with excitement - we've not seen Holden this jazzed since Lisa Mitchell agreed to let him be her godfather, if it meant he'd stop following her home at night and sending her suggestive text messages. Despite the distinct lack of gymnastic prowess in Dean's performance the audience baying for a touchdown and Holden delivers. Deano and Holdeno high five each other while shouting "YOU'RE awesome! No YOU'RE awesome!" Kyle tells Dean the only thing he could have done better is to have performed naked, and leads the audience in a chant of "Take it off! Take it off!" Bobby sheds a single tear of rejection backstage. Tamara Jaber begins to rethink her recent engagement to Kyle.

Next up is Chris "Matted Hair For Two Weeks in a Row" Murphy who, strangely enough, has matted hair for the second week in a row. "I'm known for being a belter and having fun so I'm not going to do that this week," he says. What a great idea - strip out the fun! I can't see how that wouldn't work. He comes on in one of the worst shirts humankind has ever seen to sing Paul McCartney's No More Lonely Nights. I hate to break it to you, sunshine, but in that shirt there's nothing BUT lonely nights in your future. Chris then lets out his alter ego, Squinty McSquinterson, as he squints and limps his way through another MIX 102.3 classic. You can almost hear the back announce: "And that affection connection was for Wendy, from Rod. He's sorry for what he did and hopes you can forgive him. Next up - a bit of Boz Scaggs."

"I won't go away until you tell me so," he croons. Yeah, well wait 24 hours, Chris. He rips out an impressive bit of falsetto but it's not enough to make you stop wishing that Paul was singing it instead. Holden asks if his guitar was in tune and then shows off his physics knowledge by telling Chris to watch out for his strings warping under the hot stage lights. Marcia says it was nice. Kyle decides to finish her sentence for her, saying it was a "nice, slightly boring sounding grandma piece of crap." A win for constructive criticism once again. He then compares Chris to Jack Black for the five millionth time (just because they have the same facial hair doesn't mean he IS Jack Black, Kyle) and then offends the entire Versace fashion empire by suggesting the purple and black monstrosity currently raping our eyeballs is part of their label. It seems all downhill for Mr Murphy, but then they cut to his rather hot wife in the audience and we realise that even if he loses, he's probably still going to be a pretty happy guy. Take note, Dean "I'm Saving Myself" Geyer - this is what guitars can do for YOU.

Next up it's Jess "My Voice is My Instrument" Mauboy, who is foregoing the BYO guitar option to do exactly the same thing she does every week. Sing with the band. WEAK, I say. She had a whole damn week to learn to play something - surely she could have whipped something up on recorder. Or possibly French horn. Fortunately she's opted for a song that doesn't involve any instruments anyway, Brandy's Have You Ever, an R&B chart-bottomer from the 90s. And aren't we all surprised. She looks delicious in a floaty sunset-coloured dress and fabulous makeup but her hairstyle is half falling off her head - perhaps its trying to escape this horrendous song. It's no secret Jess has the best voice left in this competition but this is an utter dog's breakfast of a performance - she's screeching, missing notes, going flat and PUTTING EVERYONE TO BLOODY SLEEP. MY GOD IS IT BORING. The effects of Disco Deano's rockin effort of 15 minutes ago is already wearing off - we need some rock up in this bitch! Jess is clearly not the lass to do it tonight.

Marcia gets out her Little Book of Hyperbole TM and turns to page 188, saying Jess is one of the most naturally blessed singers she's ever heard. Holden says he can't believe she used to wear thongs, as if it's well known that it's a physical impossibility to sing well in double pluggers. He then commends her on her new choice of footwear and for the second time this season Idol's resident foot fetishist cameraman gets to do a big, juicy closeup of a contestant's feet. You'd think they would have learned after thrusting Lisa Mitchell's cankles on us a few weeks ago, but no - they zoom right in on Jess' six inch cork wedges covered in crystals, which it has to be said, are absolutely atrocious. Somewhere, a drag queen is performing her final number barefoot. Kyle says he loves her look and her performance sans-instrument made him forget about everyone else's instruments. Even Bobby's. And Dean's.

Ploughing straight on with Damien "I've Run Out of Irish Cliches" Leith. John Foreman and Erana Clark discuss what Damien's issues will be this week, which apparently are singing the wrong words, getting the phrasing wrong, singing too fast and not coming in on key. So, not too much to worry about then. Damien's Centrebet odds shoot through the floor. Then they announce he'll be singing everyone in the world's favourite song, Chris Isaak's Wicked Game. His odds plunge into the earth's core and become molten magma. This is not improved when he begins the song acapella and slightly off key. He saves it though, partly by looking so cute in a brown leather jacket and t shirt, but not for long. Soon enough he's ballsed up the lyrics, missed a few crucial notes and thrown his falsetto all over the place and winds up sharing the dogbowl with Jessica Mauboy, particularly when he sings "I don't wanna fall in love with you-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-yeah-eah-eah-eahhhhhh..." oh SHUT UP Damien. Chris Isaak's beautiful, simple song does not need to roll in the hay with half arsed Celine Dion-esque stylings. He ends with an absolutely beautiful falsetto but it's too late to save this puppy. Soon to hit the remainder bins at a bookshop near you, Damien Leith's How to Murder a Classic.

Inexplicably, the judges think it's the best thing since...well, since Damien's last good performance, which was admittedly a while ago. Holden gives him a touchdown. Whatever. Who HASN'T had a touchdown these days? Marcia puts down her hyperbole guide and picks up her Little Book of Cliched Quotes and says "Don't get angry just get even". Kyle says it was so perfect it was ridiculous. Damien says he's blown away, but as Kyle hasn't gotten up from his desk all night we're not sure by whom.

Then it's finally time for Lisa "I've Been Waiting for This Moment All Series and I am TOTALLY Going to Show You Guys How Awesome I Truly Am" Mitchell. Clearly this means that Ricky Muscat and his "instrument" will be the finale for tonight. God help us all. Catwoman has this week chosen to do Coldplay's See You Soon. She's also chosen to do it in a strapless Sportsgirl sundress over black leggings (I live with bated breath until this appears on Go Fug Yourself) and in a hearty "fuck you" to Kyle, has returned to her $1.40 ballet flats. This I condone, despite him actually being right about the shoes. Her guitar is off, her voice is flat, and what the hell is this boring ass dirge of a song? I am foolish enough to think the judges will pick her apart for crashing and burning with such a crap performance on this, her Night Of Nights, but instead they fall over themselves with excitement. Surprise, surprise. Clearly unaware that sleeping pills can now be bought over the counter, Holden says he could have listened to her performance for another hour and a half. He then says people either find her beautiful or boring - as if the two are mutually exclusive. Work it out, Holden, she's beautiful AND boring. They cut to Marcia who looks like she has tears in her eyes - so do I, but that's what happens when you jab a pencil in your ear screaming "MAKE HER STOP SINGING!!!" Every viewer with an ounce of taste is willing Kyle to let Lisa have it, willing him to rip into her with dripping, snarling vitriole and make sure she never sets foot on the Idol stage again. Instead, he tells her she's like a kid dragging a blanket around. I feel betrayed.

We finish up with Ricky Muscat, who apparently has recently earned the nickname of "Risky". This is not explained - although perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he was caught on national TV reading lyrics off his hand in the middle of last week's group performance of Boogie Oogie Oogie (I could see how that would be hard to remember). Although I guess most people would count that as DUMB rather than RISKY behaviour. He has fallen back on the Jess Mauboy "My voice is my instrument" excuse (pathetic) and has decided to sing Robbie Williams' Feel. Robbie Williams. Oh no. No one has ever sung Robbie Williams and gotten out alive. Do I have to remind you all of Daniel Belle again? Anyway Ricky seems to be looking a bit cuter than normal this week, in a black leather jacket and jeans and a t shirt that appears to say ASS (but probably doesn't). He delivers some powerful notes at the end but overall it's another boring, cruisey performance. They really could have billed this show as Australian Idol: The Valium Episode.

Holden tells Ricky he's come undone. Ricky checks his fly to make sure his OTHER instrument hasn't inadvertently made an appearance. Then Holden says Ricky's just proved to Australia that he's not Robbie Williams. I would have thought that being introduced as Ricky Muscat might have cemented that truth for the viewers from episode one actually, but I guess you can never overestimate your audience's intelligence. Marcia tells Holden he's ridiculous and orders him to go to bed. Kyle wonders if he can come too, but covers it by wanking on about how great friends he is with Robbie Williams and how they've been to concerts together and had dinner and they're SO, like, best friends forever, and Robbie said he was heaps cool...and what was the point again?

Who cares, the show's over, and Dean is the new ruler of the Idolverse. Ricky - it's time to go, my friend.



23 comments :

  1. ah, this is brilliant. you're fantastic.

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  2. Holy fuck... "brilliant" is an understatement.

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  3. I am so with you on the Fugging of Lisa - bring it on!

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  4. Aww, I didn't mind the Irishman. He wasn't the worst person on stage. And I reckon Chris has a fair old chance of getting the arse this week unless his wife says, "He sang our wedding song! That's so sweet!" and votes for him 400 times.

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  5. i was gonna read this but when i saw that it started with

    "everone sucked except for dean guyer"

    i decided not to. Petstar. please, see past his boring good looks and look further. He is a talentless bogan with a stupid accent. not to mention a god-boy.

    he has NO APPEAL.

    please. come back to reality

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  6. petstarr, i bow down at your brilliance. and while im down there, i dont mind doing a thing or two to dean. if he isnt the most tasty looking thing on tv atm, i'll eat my hat. and thats saying something cos i dont even own a hat. i'd have to out and buy a hat, wear it for a while so it gets known as 'my hat' and then eat it. the things i would do for that boy...and with that boy...and to that boy...i need to go now

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  7. Sorry Matt but I have to disagree. In an episode of utter utter blandness, Dean was the only one to pull out a performance even vaguely resembling entertainment. I'm sure it won't last though.

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  8. Loving your work, Petstarr...

    BUT Dean was deeply, deeply boring I thought. How many indieish triple m ballads can he pull out? He's improved a lot, but last week was a much better effort. This time he just got stuck in cruise control.

    I think you might be unfairly blinded by your love of the recorded 'Wicked Game' and thus giving Damien an unfairly hard rap. I love the song too, but I thought he did good things with it. I also think it might be fair to say he has a voice on par with Jessica.

    All up, I'm agreeing with you save for Damien as the one decent performance and not Dean.

    Do you think Bobby could be in trouble? I suspect Ricky and Chris might scrape through because their fans know they are on the ropes, but I reckon the Bobby Brigade might be feeling cocky...

    Fingers crossed that Pie Jesu (mmm... floor pie) gets the arse.

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  9. As I said over at the apple barrel:

    Marcia, Marge Simpson called. She wants her Chanel suit back.

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  10. Why doesn't anyone know the song that Dean sung? It's Ryan Cabrera, he's like teen pop. He would never ever be played on Triple M.

    Let me get this straight... Dean throws a pick to the audience and moves away from his microphone and he gets a Touchdown?

    I hate the judges so much. Mark needs to die. Marcia has the most disposable, useless comments ever. And Kyle is a complete deadbeat moron.

    Great work, PetStarr! I love this blog and read it every Monday :)

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  11. This was good. But I disagree with everything you've said except your judge commentary and the stuff about Ricky.. Nice wrap-up though :)

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  12. This, like Idol, is the biggest load of rubbish going around. Hardly a good word for the show and obvious dislike for everything about it yet you continue to sit down in front of the TV every Sunday night just so you can receive a few "this is brilliant" comments on Monday.

    You're a good writer and better than this hypocritical stance

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  13. No! Why did Bobby get the arse when Chris, Ricky and Lisa all bit the big one more than he did? This isn't a singing contest, people - it's a cute contest. I guess that means Chris is the token round-faced podge...

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  14. yeah, you were wrong about Bobby, his pitching was fine. Listen back to the mp3 at the website... and obviously you are not a 'Mac fan, because he picked a gorgeous song.

    ___________________________________________

    THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.

    I cannot believe that a, pathetic, generic, lifeless, lame little twink that STILL HASN'T LEARNED ANY MOVES and can only sing with one god damned phrasing again and again and again.... has taken the place of Bobby Flynn. Actually, I can believe it. Teenage girls get the vote, man. If every teenage girl in the US coule vote, we could have seen a different US president a few years ago! Well. Perhaps.

    JHC.

    Fuck This Shit.

    Seriously man, just when we thought that cred was winning out over that hopeless sea of meth-sucking vampires, they rise up like a dripping wall of lip gloss and sugar and swallow the only thing really worth watching in this show.

    ... and did anyone else notice the expressions of delighted unbelief on the faces of Dean, Damien and Lisa as the camera cut to them during Bobby's swansong? That's RIGHT, guys, you have now REALLY got a shot at the belt.

    POSTSCRIPT: He's coming on tomorrow night to sing his own song! This is something of a redemption. He can go out on a high, like Seinfeld and David Brent.... yay!

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  15. Hey Kurt, thanks for stopping by. Although I do find it strange that some people seem to confuse my playful teasing as "obvious dislike" for the show. I bloody love Idol! It is the height of my TV viewing week! I wake up on Sunday morning and count the hours until 7.30, truly I do. Why do so many of you think I hate this show? Just because I think Ken Doll has bad hair and Lisa Mitchell sings like a stoned budgie doesn't mean I dislike the show! No no no! It's nothing to do with receiving pats on the back. I just think everyone should love it for what it is - a lighthearted singalong gong show. Let's not get our knickers in a twist here! Let's just have some fun, for god's sake. And, you know, have a laugh at Holden once in a while.

    And Kurt, if you need further proof of my complete Idol adoration, I suggest you read the first paragraph of my first Idol wrap up, which I'm guessing you haven't even looked at.

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  16. OMG.

    Check it out.

    http://myspace.com/bobbyflynn

    This guy is not 'our' Bobby, but a guy from the USA who goes by the same name... AND HE ALSO HAS RED CURLY HAIR (view his pics).

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  17. I am relieved Bobby has left, can you imagine the crap they would have him singing if he won!? Remember Guy Sebastian and 'angels brought me hear'? Hideous. I couldn't cope with Bobby belting out tripe like that. Now he can release his own stuff and I can stop watching Aus Idol.

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  18. There also appears to be a similar looking porn star by the same name, although I'm not putting any links up for that! I get enough weirdos coming here looking for Keira Knightley's feet.

    The hair must go with the name, Matthew.

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  19. Last night we got the first real insight into how Andrew G feels about the show. I thought he was going to cry when Bobby Flynn left. And rightly so. He probably actually likes decent music. Now he has suffered the same disappointment we all suffered when both Howard and Bush got reelected and Smart Tim didn't win Big Brother. Man, I really wanted Lisa to go. On the other hand, I can't wait to hear what crap she comes out with tonight. Man....To have seen Bobby do Big Band.

    I wonder what Ricky will do tonight with Performer's Own Stuff. Cannay WAIT.

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  20. bobby bobby bobby

    my favorite is gone

    the world has ended...
    except that he will still get a kick ass record deal without the channel 10/BMG fuckedness.

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  21. Oh yeah I am SOOOOOO glad Bobby can do a record HIS WAY. He was one of my faves but boy oh boy I DIDN'T want him to win!

    Interesting that Kyle (or was it Mark) said last week (or the week before) that 'Nobody has got behind the winners' in the last couple of years. And that is simply because THEY HAVE TO SING SONY/BMG CRAPPY SONGS.

    Moira

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  22. i am actually wondering how everyone seems to know about these record deals. can anyone here actually confirm that upon auditioning, every contestant -doesn't- sign a contract stating that if they get a record deal as a result of AI exposure, they are gonna ramrodded into producing 45 minutes of MOR dross?

    i sincerely hope they don't.... agreed, that mr flynn has potentially a great musical career ahead of him, on his own terms.... and good on nova fm for backing the production of a flynn single!

    btw - i believe mr sebastian actually one-upped 'angels brought me here' with his own recent composition, 'bigger, stronger, taller', or whatever the fuck it was called. he's about as funky as a dead fly these days. or as a bowl of week-old raw meat, depending on how you view 'funky'.

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  23. Bobby might of been talented but for what he did to Rhiannon being voted off was a light sentence. First he murders Chisel, but hey, forgiveness is a good thing; everyone is allowed to make one mistake, etc. Then to go and F@#K up Fleetwood...

    Sadly crimes against music aren't enough or Lisa would be gone. Bobby could perform which is more then most can do on this series. It really does come down to song choice.

    Am now hoping Courtney the younger wins.

    Sorry your fave is gone Petstarr.

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