Sunday, November 12, 2006

Idol wrap up - 9th semi-final - judges' choice

See what happens? hand over the keys to the ranch to your friends and in no time they're trading on your hard -fought credibility to generate traffic for their own blogs. I'll just come out and say it. I thought Redcap's behavior last week was lower than a footprint - fancy opening an idol wrap up with a gratuitous advertisement for some of her wittiest entries. I mean, fancy if I came trundling in here, cap in hand, admonishing you to check out my hilarious adventures at the swimming pool or my car boot conundrum or suggested you could do worse than to read about my hilarious new entry about cross country driving and crap radio. I mean, what IF, man. Anyway, enough about the bollocks, we've got a show to review and these cheap and offensive jokes aren't gonna write themselves! Before we start, does anyone else think Andrew G bears, if not a striking resemblance, then one of sorts, to one of the Camp Quality puppets? It's the ears that do it for me.

Anyway, I digress. So tonight's theme is Judges' Choice (even if the TV guide tempted us with the promise of hits from the 80s). Awesome, we really need to hear songs chosen by the bloke who wore a bad tux, sang about carnations and made your grandmother swoon.

And how about that clown Kyle, who put his girlfriend's ground breaking hit "ooo ahh where's my bra, I left it in my boyfriend's car" and, with a straight face said he recorded the song because she was talented, not because she was his current shag. Right.

Andrew G knew we were in for something special. He declared the experiment, the "craziest, wackiest and maybe even zaniest" show ever. Hearing this, I got out the Groucho Marx fake nose and moustache glasses and settled in for the ride of my freakin' life!.

First batter up - Damien Leith: Our little Irish crooner was assigned Nessun Dorma (Mark's choice) an Italian song, which apparently had been violated by Michael Bolton when he still was allowed near recording equipment. I must admit it was quite strange to hear the language of love emanating from an Irishman lips and it instantly reminded me of the opening ceremony at an Olympic Games. Despite Leith winding up for the dramatic parts of the song, he seemed to get the wrong impression that puffing your chest out and standing on tippy toes would help him hit the high notes. For mine it lacked passion and electricity, but what the hell do I know?

At song's end the judges were standing, Marcia was wiping a tear from her eye and Mark said simply "bravo". Kyle had gone out for a sandwich and came back wondering what all the fuss was about. Mark was flabbergasted Leith had managed to nail the song after only a week of rehearsals and predictably gave the performance a touchdown. Is it just me, or is he giving those things out like they're boiled lollies?

Next up was Jessica Mauboy who Kyle had decreed sing that solid gold Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey duet "When you believe". The hosts pointed out Jessica would be covering both parts, a prospect I was instantly excited by. With fingers crossed, I prayed she would come out wearing a split costume, with half half her face painted brown, half white, like that bloke her took off Michael Jackson on Red Faces all those years ago (remember that?)
Sadly, that didn't happen, but she did front up centre stage in a dress that looked like an imitation tiger pelt rug but looking saucy none the less.

Clearly, it was a ploy to distract us from her singing which was equal parts awful and dull. That notwithstanding, I realized, as PetStarr rightly points, the singing has got nary a correlation with the audience's reaction to it and the mere gesture of walking forward is enough to cause members of the audience to howl and wet themselves. It was like the freakin Ed Sullivan show.

Kyle said he'd chosen a song by the two biggest voices in the business to see if Jessica could hack it and he was sorely disappointed. "I really expected for you to really surprise me". I was about to ask, "what should she have done, jump naked out of a giant cake and sit on your lap" when he went on to say, "I wanted you to really BLOW me away", so clearly that's exactly what he had in mind.

He also came out with this gem "I don't want you to feel that you're no good...but I thought that was half-arsed". Evidently he also thought she'd had a brain fart when choosing her dress so suddenly I felt a real bond between Kyle and I.

Mark said: "I think you're the living proof of what you can achieve if you believe", at which point 20 million Australians rushed to the toilet, hugged the porcelain bowl and said goodbye to dinner.

Marcia said she and daughter Deni were only saying the other day how Jessica was the most natural singer in Idol's history, that her singing was "effortless".

Yeah, that's what Kyle said, "half-arsed", weren't you listening?

Lucky last in the judges' choice round was Dean "Picasso" (beautiful to look at but you can't touch) Geyer and a song by an artist whose surname handily rhymed with his, that fount of creativity John "I haven't had an album for years but I did get to fondle Jessica Simpson" Mayer.

Geyer sang some pap song I didn't bother to catch the name of, which was about "watin on the world to change". World changing? I don't think so - but it's a safe bet our little man candy had women everywhere in need of a change of knickers by the time her was done. Ewww did I just go there? I think I did but as Marcia would say, "deal with it sistagirlfriend and a bag of chips mmhmm".

Mark said Dean had gone outside his comfort zone with the soul pop thang, which was "right ont he money for you. Yes, Yes, Yes, welcome back Deano."

We pause now for a conspiracy theory: I think he's got shares in this bloke! As I was preparing for the wrap up earlier today (see how much I care about your reading pleasure?) I read an article that had Mark quoted as saying how he reckoned Dean was the only bankable of the three remaining contenders. Sounds awfully suspicious to me. Don't be surprised if Mark announces he's producing his first album. Remember, you heard THAT here first. Blandcanyon, breaking Idol news since 2003.

Marcia said, now get this, Dean was like a bed of rice and "you can be the casserole, you know what I mean?", she said trailing off instantly regretting the bizarre metaphor and realizing no-one who is not institutionalized would understand what she was talking about.

A bed of rice and a casserole? Was that some veiled reference to apartheid (white rice/brown casserole) and Dean's South African heritage? or maybe it was Marcia's coded way of saying she wanted to be the casserole to Dean's bed of rice? I dunno. Discuss in 1200 words.

Kyle said he was sick of "pen writing clown" journalists forever asking him if Dean was "the one who can't sing" but tonight Dean showed them and had "slammed back with a bullet". I spent several minutes trying to work out what a pen writing clown would like like, got a tension headache and moved on.

Soon it was time for an ad break, which would've been unremarkable save for one classic moment. Evidently there's a new show in the same vein as Idol on its way called So you think you can dance? You know the drill, wannabe performers embarrassing themselves on national TV for a shot at fame and fortune and our sheer viewing pleasure. It looks hilarious. One guy is doing some crazy hot shoe shuffle for the judges when he suddenly blows a sneaker and falls flat on his face on the hard wooden floor. I for one can't wait.

We're back and it's time for round two (singers' choice). Leefy is up again, this time wearing a canvas jacket that looks like a sleeping bag to reveal he's chosen to share with us The Most Cliched Song in the History of Music by the Rigteous Brothers. I mean, Unchained Melody.
After the obvious potter's wheel/Ghost references, Leith meanders into a lazy and emotionless singing by numbers effort that will need a lot more heat to melt my heart of ice. He hits the trademark falsetto and the audience starts experiencing a collective spasm and somewhere a herd of wilderbeest suddenly stop eating grass, lift their heads and listen.

Wilderbeest one: "Hey larry, what the hell was that?"

Wilderbeest two: "Judges' choice? How the hell should I know, hey are you gonna finish that grass?"

Mark says a hot flush just went through certain parts of the whole country (use your imagination) and that Australia and Ireland could be proud for producing such a talent. Umm HELLO, Mark, Australia and Ireland aren't talking right now. Don't you read the news? Sheesh.
He goes on to say that Leith would soon be faced with a whole heap of career choices - none involve singing - but what can you do?

Marcia says Damien's effort was "lovely" in the same way old people thing butterscotch lollies are lovely and Kyle lays the "honest truth" on him.

"That was a piddly version".

Embarrassingly, Leith takes it as a compliment, explaining Piddly is one of his dearest cousins.
"We're not all called Paddy", he says before dancing a jig.

Next, it's round two for Jessica, who manages to breathe and walk to the stage at the same time but suffers a seizure when Andrew G throws a spanner in the works and asks her a question. A really hard one too.

"So you're singing To Sir With Love, what's that about?

Jessica: "he he, blabber blabber, drool, blabber, he he, I'm really nervous and stuff."
Marcia saves the situation by explaining it's just an innocent song about a minor who uses her nubile charms to torment a male teacher, before his computer is raided by the police and he's jailed for a string of shocking offences.

Jess, by the way, is dressed like a giant aubergine easter egg with a big bow tied at the front and bangs out a sexless and dull performance as expected.

Mark says knowing Jessica was clueless about the meaning of the song ruined it for him - he didn't buy the whole act, Marcia fulfilled her contract by stepping in and defending a shite performance and Kyle said Jessica had him from hello.

Jessica was sufficiently humbled by the comments, admitting: "mumble mumble, he he, blabber blabber, woo, weee, he he, I'm really nervous."

As the clock hits 11pm and my eyeballs start burning red, it's time to bring this baby home with Dean Geyer and the last song of the night. He choose some random US sock cock rock song noone has ever heard of, which sounds like it could be number 1 on the Christian Rock networks. It's a ho hum performance for my money, which means the judges are probably creaming their pantaloons. And I'm right.

Mark (remember our exclusive earlier?) gushes over the performance, saying "that's a number one record there mate (wink wink)'' and gets the audience to count down from 10 for another touchdown. Marcia trots out some homespun philosphy about life and Kyle wants to know what's changed in the last few weeks? Did you get a root, he asks in a round about way? Dean looks all shy and innocent and it's back to the undies drawer for the women of Australia.

Roll credits. We're out.


  1. Yeah, Raoul, you and the horse you rode in on ;)

    Very funny, especially the Camp Quality puppet reference. How did we not notice that one before? It's obvious now that they're both muppets!

    Have to say I'm feeling a bit gypped, though mate - I was looking forward to a Gonzo wrap-up. Couldn't you manage to get enough amyls, Chivas Regal and grapefruit in time?

  2. Bed of rice & casserole...kinky...apartheid South Africa seems a far stretch to me.

  3. yzerfontein, that reference was far fetched. remember what i said about cheap and offensive jokes?

  4. Did you say Bangable or Bankable!?

    Oh dear, Yes I'm going there.

    But my favourite last week was when one of the judges said that Dean "Didn't really go all the way"

    WELL DER!!!

    I'm so sad I missed the 'casserole' comment.

    I thought that Jess's "to Sir with love" was tops! No? only me? oh well...

  5. Excuse my ignorance, but how do you manage to watch Australian TV in the US?

  6. This was pretty damn funny. However, I'm with Natalie, thought Jess's TSWL performance was damn good - felt embarrassed that she didn't consider the song's meaning though.

  7. James, it wasn't Petstarr. It was guest blogger Raoul Duke. In drag.

    Petstarr, Raoul's been wearing your shoo-ooes! He he he ;)

  8. Redcap is right, you can't watch Aussie telly in the US. You can, however watch as much US telly as you want in Australia. Raoul

  9. Nice recap, Raoul, especially cousin Piddly. And you're not the only conspiracy theorist re Holden trying to get Dean across the line. So the contracted record company are shitting themselves at the prospect of promoting Damien or Jess?


  10. PANTALOONS! ha hahaah ahaha haa

    PS: our hotel in Washington has 24hour free internet access! Guess who'll be here in her PJs tonight, writing up all manner of US adventures?


    PPPS: stop plugging your own damn blogs, you freeloaders.

  11. Freeloaders? I'm hideously offended! Right, I'm just pretending to be you on Sunday and doing a really lame-arse wrap-up >;)