Sunday, December 10, 2006

Strange Attractions Part IV

There are several reasons I shouldn't be adding to my series of posts about "Boys I Like" right now, namely:

1. As I have just returned from a month's tour of The Land With No Internet Cafes (ie: America) my time would possibly be better spent writing up rollicking and frequently saucy tales of my overseas adventures instead.

2. As a consequence of having just returned from aforementioned overseas tour, I currently have clothing in various states of cleanliness covering every available surface in my home. I should probably be putting these away right now, rather than letting them sit there glaring at me while I search Google images for photos of Johnny Depp (not this one).

3. I'm technically not "single" anymore, and writing about other men I'd like to shag seems like an entirely boyfriend-unfriendly activity to indulge in.

However - I haven't gone through my 800 million holiday photos yet (curse digital cameras!), tidying the house is boring, and even my new beau admits he'd shag Mr Depp if he could, so I can hardly be accused of emotional two-timing. Plus, I'm tired of looking at Raoul Duke's Idol Finale write up(delightful and hilarious though it is).

And so I give you my latest collection of lads I'd like to lick. Starting with:

John Mayer


Unconfirmed reports state his body is a wonderland.
Unconfirmed reports also state I did not steal this photo.


I'd like to start by saying I am fully aware that John Mayer's songs are the type of cruisey, low-fi, mellowed-out, mum-friendly guitar tunes they play in places like Starbucks and Borders to sap your brain into a state of near-catatonia so they can convince you that buying a pumpkin spiced latte and a copy of Bryce Courtenay's new book are actually worthwhile endeavours. I know this.

I am also aware that despite all evidence to the contrary John Mayer may not actually have a sense of reason, given that he has been onning and offing again with Jessica Simpson. Probably in more ways than one.

While there's not much anyone can do about the music, I think we can all forgive him for sliding between the sheets with Miss Simpson every now and again and not judge it as a character flaw - because while she may be a braindead arsehat who can't remember the words to 9 to 5, she does also look like this, which (as I understand it) is quite difficult for a man to say no to.

I am also prepared to forgive him because, strangely enough, he's also as funny as a hat full of arseholes, which goes a long way in my book. (Sorry for all the arse references right now - perhaps it's because I haven't gotten to see John's yet). So hey, maybe the whole Jessica thing was just a hilarious cunning stunt? Not to be confused with a...never mind.

Contrary to what you'd probably think he is also remarkably witty and cool in interviews, not to mention on his blog, which has become one of my regular reads. His current post explains all of the ridiculous and drunken things he plans to do while out on the town celebrating his Grammy nominations, which includes this hilarious prediction:

"(I will) Become separated from my friends and begin partying with a new crowd of gents who seem nice enough, take a ride in their van to a house in Van Nuys, where I will try my hand at gay-for-pay superstardom under the name "Jonny Lobo", filming over 300 features throughout the course of a night, becoming the hottest newcomer on the scene earning 12 AVN nominations and winning seven, before eventually bottoming out with a string of sub-par performances, a brief stint in rehab and then hopping a cab ride home before sun-up. I will tell my friends I was napping in a bush."


All of this notwithstanding, when it comes down it I really just want to lick John Mayer because - let's face it - he's a better looking version of Jack White.

Vince Vaughan circa 1996


Vince, baby, Vince!


Before he got all fat and pasty with bags under his eyes and a bag on his arm (oops sorry, I meant Jennifer Aniston) Vince Vaughan was the fast-talking, skinny suit-wearing, cocktail-drinking Trent Walker in Swingers. He was a womaniser, bullshit artist and all round dickhead, but he knew how to make a cocktail and he looked good with a cigarette. And I wanted him bad. He was so money and he totally knew it. Now, after Wedding Crashers and The Break Up the man is practically broke. Sigh. But we'll always have Vegas, baby, Vegas.

Clive Owen


Oh, to be CLOSER to Clive. See what I did there? CLOSER? Get it?


Not much to say here, except the man is fucking gorgeous. Just look at him, for goodness' sake. I mean, honestly. Can I say anything else? SHOULD I say anything else?

Benicio del Toro


!


Same goes for Benicio. I have no justification for this selection. I NEED no justification. Benicio is hot. He smoulders with the heat of a thousand burning coals covered in dencorub sitting on the side of a volcano. Next to a bar heater. With chilli powder sprinkled on it.

Although if anyone would like to settle an argument - I say Beneetchio, my beau says Beneesio. Please advise. And now for something completely different...

Julian Morrow from The Chaser


Who?


So - after Benicio and Clive I'm guessing this pick is a little surprising, but if you recall this section is actually called STRANGE attractions, and I know I've been deviating from that brief somewhat lately. So here you go - STRANGE ENOUGH FOR YOU?

Julian seems to be the more reserved one of the Chaser crew. He has that sensible, quiet vibe going on that makes me want to rip off his shirt and throw him onto something just to disrupt his calm exterior. These impulses are doubled when he's wearing glasses.

Comments, criticism and instructions on how to pronounce "Benicio" are welcome.



30 comments :

  1. Welcome back! Btw, not all guys find Jessica Simpson hot - she has no brain and to be honest, she's not that great on the outside either. Blondes are at the bottom of the Goddess Ladder by far.

    Agreed on John Mayer - very funny guy.

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  2. What I think of your strange attractions:

    Mayer- I think the fact that he may have been interested in Jessica Simpson puts me off.

    Vaughn- Hell yeah. I was always a Mikey girl, but Trent was still hot hot hot.

    Owen- Mmm, such a strong jawline. Very manly. I like.

    del Toro- Meh.

    Morrow- I'm more into Chris Taylor. He's intellectual, kind of dorky... I don't have a type, but if I did he'd be my type.

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  3. C'mon, mate - Clive Owen is so not a strange attraction. He's high on my crumpet list. (Depending on what I'm watching at the time, he, Hugh Laurie and Adrian Brodie take turns at being number one.) Yum.

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  4. I pronounce Benicio just like you, and have never heard it pronounced any other way. And I am with you, he is so damn sexy. Sometimes I think Mayer looks like the walking dead. Yuk

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  5. you gotta be kidding. mayer is a boring person who writes boring songs and has equally horrible taste in women. jack white is a genuine talent and a much more interesting character.he's also a hundred times better looking without even trying.

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  6. I think we share some chromosomes.
    Clive Owen is the Great Unappreciated Foodstuff, and I would like to butter him.
    John Mayer is the Great Mumbling Brooder, and I would like to gently saute him.
    Vince circa Swingers was the Great Tall Smoothness, and I would like to toast him on both sides.

    Now that's a sandwich, missus.

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  7. Ooohhh, buttered Clive Owen...

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  8. i think you'll find it's pronounced "WENBEETH-E-YAWWW". This is the official way to say his name. Seriously. I mean yeah, that's it, man. You gotta believe me, Doc. I'm from the year 1985.

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  9. Ooh I WANT that sandwich!! With a side of chips and a milkshake (why the hell not).

    As for Anonymous - I heartily agree that in a musical ninja fight, Jack White would kick John Mayer's arse and death-chop him on the shoulderblades with a simple strum of his Fender. (PS: wouldn't mind strumming HIS Fender myself.)
    However, looks wise, they're both delicious and I'd happily have them both round for tea and sandwiches. (PS: YOU know the kind of sandwiches I mean, THAT'S right, yeah.) (PPS: if I was on a futuristic gameshow where winners got to pick celebrities as prizes and I had to pick one of them, I would still pick Jack.) (Happy now?)

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  10. I say yes to Vince Vaughan circa Swingers. I even like him now that he'd old and a wee bit porky. Witty and sexy and unpretentious.

    I also say yes to Clive Owen, no explanantion needed. Sex on a stick.

    I'm puzzled re. the bland John Mayer. (No pun intended) Definitely a strange attraction.

    Redcap: Hugh Laurie, big yes!

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  11. Oh, Clive Owen. Clive Oooooooooooooooooooowen. I'm going to go now...(I'm a long time stalker, first time commenter)

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  12. Wow---did everybody miss one big statement here ?---
    Forgive a minor misunderstanding Miss Petstarr or have you outed your new beau as a card carrying member of the "I'd shag Mr Depp" club ?----
    Guess you admire vesatility in a man

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  13. I think your beau is correct. It's Beneesio. While I haven't heard this from the mouth of the great man himself, I recall an interview with one of his directors, probably Soderbergh (Traffic) I also loved Benicio's work in 21 Grams.

    I'm not a scholar of Latin languages, but I think Beneetchio would be a more Italian rather than Spanish interpretation of the soft "c".

    (Tell beau to contact me to find out where to send his cheque :) )

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  14. Teddy I ALWAYS admire versatility in a man, but when it comes to Mr Depp - isn't EVERYONE versatile? The man is about the closest anyone will come to actually being God. AND DON'T SAY YOU WOULDN'T SHAG GOD, TEDDY.

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  15. Oh, Miss PetStarr, I can assure you that if there is a God and that god does just happen to be male, even Depp like, there would be no swelling in the groin of this little black duck-----of course, if this heavenly being is female as many suspect (a vengeful god)and is in the guise of, say a PetStarr, well some variety of activities may well be in order

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  16. Like a round of Monopoly, you mean?

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  17. Sounds fine to me------ any game that has a "Chance" card is a fine pastime for groups and couples and how handy could that "Get out of gaol free" card be----heavenly

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  18. Oh! I was going to ask before... did you perchance get to visit the Grand (bland) Canyon?

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  19. a new man, ooooooooooooooooooooooh!!!

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  20. Jacob - unfortunately no, I didn't get to Arizona. I was too busy trying to channel Hunter S Thompson in Las Vegas.

    Zzmurgy - don't yearn to be on this list. It's STRANGE attractions, remember?

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  21. Now might be the time to tell you Pet that Clive Owen was my neighbour until a week ago. He moved out -- possibly as a result of the loud parties at our house. However, in the few months I lived across the road from him I made eye contact and got mumbled hellos several times -- and once I stood next to him for five entire minutes making small talk with his removalists. That's right, I stood next to him and spoke to his removalists but wimped out on actually speaking properly to Clive. Idiot! Welcome home and Merry Christmas. Hope you rocked at the work bash in my absence :)

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  22. Emma - OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? You lived next door to Clive Owen? Next you'll be telling me that Johnny Depp served you at Tescos. PLEASE TELL ME JOHNNY DEPP SERVED YOU AT TESCOS.

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  23. That's it, Em. Much as I love you and Bol, when you come back, you're so dropped :)

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  24. Well we've just got back from Edinbugh where the festival was cancelled because of wind - what the hell?? But it turned out for the best because Johnny Depp - who yes, we met at Tescos - invited us back to his holiday house for a party. Woo hoo!!!

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  25. You have such shit taste in men. Blergh! Oh, that's right, it's cos YOU ARE SHIT!

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  26. Pity you're anonymous, Anonymous - you sound just like the kind of guy I'd go for. Sigh.

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  27. I was more of a Mikey fan in Swingers (I'm a sucker for a loser in love, a la Ducky Dale in Pretty in Pink), so it's great to see him looking dapper again after being quite rotund for a while:

    http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2007/06/celebrity_terro.html

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  28. yay julian! he's cute when he smiles.

    i'd happily root all the boys from the chaser.. all in one sitting.

    but especially craig.

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  29. It's Bay-NEES-see-o. Y si, es muy caliente!

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