There are several reasons I shouldn't be adding to my series of posts about "Boys I Like" right now, namely:
1. As I have just returned from a month's tour of The Land With No Internet Cafes (ie: America) my time would possibly be better spent writing up rollicking and frequently saucy tales of my overseas adventures instead.
2. As a consequence of having just returned from aforementioned overseas tour, I currently have clothing in various states of cleanliness covering every available surface in my home. I should probably be putting these away right now, rather than letting them sit there glaring at me while I search Google images for photos of Johnny Depp (not this one).
3. I'm technically not "single" anymore, and writing about other men I'd like to shag seems like an entirely boyfriend-unfriendly activity to indulge in.
However - I haven't gone through my 800 million holiday photos yet (curse digital cameras!), tidying the house is boring, and even my new beau admits he'd shag Mr Depp if he could, so I can hardly be accused of emotional two-timing. Plus, I'm tired of looking at Raoul Duke's Idol Finale write up(delightful and hilarious though it is).
And so I give you my latest collection of lads I'd like to lick. Starting with:
Unconfirmed reports state his body is a wonderland.
Unconfirmed reports also state I did not steal this photo.
I'd like to start by saying I am fully aware that John Mayer's songs are the type of cruisey, low-fi, mellowed-out, mum-friendly guitar tunes they play in places like Starbucks and Borders to sap your brain into a state of near-catatonia so they can convince you that buying a pumpkin spiced latte and a copy of Bryce Courtenay's new book are actually worthwhile endeavours. I know this.
I am also aware that despite all evidence to the contrary John Mayer may not actually have a sense of reason, given that he has been onning and offing again with Jessica Simpson. Probably in more ways than one.
While there's not much anyone can do about the music, I think we can all forgive him for sliding between the sheets with Miss Simpson every now and again and not judge it as a character flaw - because while she may be a braindead arsehat who can't remember the words to 9 to 5, she does also look like this, which (as I understand it) is quite difficult for a man to say no to.
I am also prepared to forgive him because, strangely enough, he's also as funny as a hat full of arseholes, which goes a long way in my book. (Sorry for all the arse references right now - perhaps it's because I haven't gotten to see John's yet). So hey, maybe the whole Jessica thing was just a hilarious cunning stunt? Not to be confused with a...never mind.
Contrary to what you'd probably think he is also remarkably witty and cool in interviews, not to mention on his blog, which has become one of my regular reads. His current post explains all of the ridiculous and drunken things he plans to do while out on the town celebrating his Grammy nominations, which includes this hilarious prediction:
"(I will) Become separated from my friends and begin partying with a new crowd of gents who seem nice enough, take a ride in their van to a house in Van Nuys, where I will try my hand at gay-for-pay superstardom under the name "Jonny Lobo", filming over 300 features throughout the course of a night, becoming the hottest newcomer on the scene earning 12 AVN nominations and winning seven, before eventually bottoming out with a string of sub-par performances, a brief stint in rehab and then hopping a cab ride home before sun-up. I will tell my friends I was napping in a bush."
All of this notwithstanding, when it comes down it I really just want to lick John Mayer because - let's face it - he's a better looking version of Jack White.
Vince Vaughan circa 1996
Vince, baby, Vince!
Before he got all fat and pasty with bags under his eyes and a bag on his arm (oops sorry, I meant Jennifer Aniston) Vince Vaughan was the fast-talking, skinny suit-wearing, cocktail-drinking Trent Walker in Swingers. He was a womaniser, bullshit artist and all round dickhead, but he knew how to make a cocktail and he looked good with a cigarette. And I wanted him bad. He was so money and he totally knew it. Now, after Wedding Crashers and The Break Up the man is practically broke. Sigh. But we'll always have Vegas, baby, Vegas.
Oh, to be CLOSER to Clive. See what I did there? CLOSER? Get it?
Not much to say here, except the man is fucking gorgeous. Just look at him, for goodness' sake. I mean, honestly. Can I say anything else? SHOULD I say anything else?
Benicio del Toro
Same goes for Benicio. I have no justification for this selection. I NEED no justification. Benicio is hot. He smoulders with the heat of a thousand burning coals covered in dencorub sitting on the side of a volcano. Next to a bar heater. With chilli powder sprinkled on it.
Although if anyone would like to settle an argument - I say Beneetchio, my beau says Beneesio. Please advise. And now for something completely different...
Julian Morrow from The Chaser
So - after Benicio and Clive I'm guessing this pick is a little surprising, but if you recall this section is actually called STRANGE attractions, and I know I've been deviating from that brief somewhat lately. So here you go - STRANGE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Julian seems to be the more reserved one of the Chaser crew. He has that sensible, quiet vibe going on that makes me want to rip off his shirt and throw him onto something just to disrupt his calm exterior. These impulses are doubled when he's wearing glasses.
Comments, criticism and instructions on how to pronounce "Benicio" are welcome.