RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

A chip on my shoulder

adver_tisingmisc_rantsI'm just going to put my foot down and come right out and say it - WE HAVE TOO MUCH CHOICE THESE DAYS AND IT'S DOING MY HEAD IN.

Decaf? Half caf? Sugar? Sweetener? Upsize? Sauce on the side?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! I don't need a thousand options for EVERYTHING. I'll tell you what I require lots of choice in: cheese, boyfriends and television programs. Everything else I can pretty much cope with only having three or four selections.

Nowhere is our society's ridiculous abundance of choice more apparent than in the toothpaste aisle of your local supermarket. Whitening, extra whitening, extra whitening with baking soda, with fluoride, without fluroide, extra protection, 24 hour protection - WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Aren't there only two brands anyway - Colgate and Macleans? (I'm not counting AIM because everyone knows only cheapskates buy it and you might as well chew a Juicy Fruit instead).

I don't understand all the micro-divisions in the different toothpastes on offer. What is the difference between "24 hour protection" and "advanced protection"? Does the one with fluoride only protect your teeth for 22 hours? And what sort of protection can a toothpaste provide anyway?


"It's ok baby, I use Colgate!"


If only they'd used Macleans...


Another supermarket sector in which I think we're all getting just a few too many options is the snack aisle - in particular, the chip section.

Back in the day there was plain, chicken, barbecue, salt and vinegar and if you were REALLY getting fancy, cheese and onion. THAT was it. And we were happy. Now look at it - "Greek fetta and herb", "Italian tomato and basil", "chicken, thyme and lemon" for god's sake. Not to mention my most hated, "honey baked ham". Shudder.

Chicken isn't just chicken anymore, it's "herb roasted chicken". Forget cheese and onion, you're more likely to find "bocconcini and chives". And what the HELL is up with "Heinz Big Red Tomato Sauce & Meat Pie" flavour? WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT A GOD DAMN PIE?

All of this, of course, pales in comparison to the horrors of UK brand Walkers' range, which includes "lamb and mint", "pickled onion", "Marmite yeast extract" and my personal favourite, "prawn cocktail". (With all of the weird flavours coming out here at the moment, god knows why no one's come up with a Vegemite flavoured chip yet, but I'm sure it's on the way.)

Who buys these poncy flavours? I thought the only people who actually bought chips at the supermarket were stoned teenagers, fat people and overworked mums (who buy those massive garbage-sized bags with about 55 smaller bags in them "to put in the kids' lunches"). Surely no part of this demographic could be tempted by the "Postcards From The Mediterranean" flavour range. (And no, I'm not making that up.)

I think the people who buy "Thai lime and ginger" flavoured chips are the same donuts who buy "Beef topped with Shitake Mushrooms" or "Gourmet Beef with Vegetable Medley" for their chihuahuas (again, I'm not making this up) and wear pink polo shirts with the collars turned up.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

PS: the Star Wars Kid has won a lawsuit! Fancy that.

PPS: Did anyone hear my Friday F***wit nomination get a guernsey on Jay and the Doctor on April 28? I nominated my salad of disappointment and apparently they found it rather funny. Guess my 5 minutes of fame is now officially up.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Salad of disappointment

misc_rantsSo I'll just get straight into this - I bought a bag of salad from the supermarket the other day (incidentally, it was the Port Adelaide Coles that has three aisles of thongs) and although the bag said 'Salad Fresh Greek Salad' I'd suggest a more appropriate label might read 'Salad? What Salad?'

THIS is what I'm talking about:


Salad of disappointment.

Hey hey HEY! Go easy on the onion there, Salad Fresh! Don't want to go overboard! Two slices is PLENTY for a salad. And three cherry tomatoes? Yeah, that should be enough.

Scene in the Salad Fresh packing line:

SALAD PACKER 1: Hey Wal, how much salad have we got in that bag?
SALAD PACKER 2: Uh, quite a bit actually Shane. The bag's pretty full.
SALAD PACKER 1: Hmm, it's supposed to be a GREEK salad though. Better chuck in that bit of onion that fell on the floor.
SALAD PACKER 2: I've got some left over tomatoes from me sandwich today, I'll give 'em a wash and throw them in too.


Complete...rip off.

Call me crazy, but I'd expect a 'complete salad kit' to contain A COMPLETE SALAD. If you actually made this according to the instructions on the pack (and yes, there ARE instructions on the back, which sort of gives away Salad Fresh's intended demographic - too fucking stupid to a) know how to assemble a salad and b) realise they're getting ripped off) I'd suggest you'd end up with something resembling a poorly decorated pile of lettuce. NOT A SALAD.

Note to Salad Fresh: A SACHET OF DRESSING AND A TEASPOON OF OLIVES DOES NOT A SALAD KIT MAKE.

PS: thanks to the lovely Graham Catt for mentioning me and Bland Canyon in the SA Writers' Centre newsletter this month. If you're interested in writing, you should check out his blog and their website....

PPS: to the freako Chariot user in Ballarat who came to the BC after searching for '12 year old tits pics' on Alta Vista - shame, shame, shame. Everyone knows Alta Vista is shit.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I've seen Jack White's new Coke ad...

adver_tising...and it's GOOD!

Who knew? I mean, granted, he IS God and all that, but still - a Coke jingle?

But it must be said - it's FAB. It's like The Beatles mixed with fairy floss and rainbows and sprinkled with LSD.

And suddenly I want to buy a Coke. Or some coke, I'm not sure which.

Anyway, if you haven't already seen it:

Check it out here!


PS: that site says the ad has debuted in Australia - anyone seen it on TV or at the movies? I sure as hell haven't.

And completely off the topic - I'd like to state I have no control over the type of ads that Google's AdSense chooses to display here on Bland Canyon (apart from deleting the code altogether, but hey, then I'd lose the opportunity to maybe earn two cents if 300 people actually click on the ads I display).

Having said that, I'm pretty pissed off that these RIP OFF MERCHANTS are advertising here in the BC - Perfect Lover.com.au".


Am I the only one who thinks "Prefect Lover" might be more interesting?

Enter your mobile phone number and some personal details and they promise to provide you with the EXACT NAME of your perfect lover in an SMS message. Frankly, if they're not going to provide me with his phone number and address too then I'm not all that interested.

In any case - what their pretty little website neglects to mention is that this service will set you back $6.60 a week unless you text them back with your star sign and the word 'stop'. This info is hidden away in their terms and conditions, the link to which is only displayed after you've filled in all your info and are suitably distracted enough by the flying cupid and bouncing hearts to notice it.

And so it goes - another thousand teenagers score bumper phone bills and lose their mobile privileges...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

More keyword madness - what is WRONG with you people?

misc_rantsOK I promise I'll get back to my normal posting soon (ie: blathering on about TV ads I don't like) but honestly, I couldn't ignore this.

Unfortunately after a concerted effort in my last post to attract people to Bland Canyon by baiting them with Naomi Watts, Whitney Houston and Britney Spears' sculpture, it appears I've been getting people here for all the wrong reasons.

Just been looking through my StatCounter keywords again, and it's gotten even weirder. And yes, Keira Knightley's still featuring, damn her. I should write about her every week. Check it:

  • Dating tips for boys
  • Metropolitan Plumbing song
  • Tips on boys
  • Keira Knightley's lips
Who the HELL is looking for the Metropolitan Plumbing song? I can tell you how it goes, look, it goes like this:

METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING. METROPOLITAN PLUMBING.
Got it? You don't even have to sing it.

And lastly, my favourite two keywords for this week:

  • Hardcore she's a maniac
  • My friend hot mum fuck
Isn't that just great?

Actually, I've a good mind to put that last one on a t shirt - I reckon the Asian market would go nuts. Hang about:


This is an undoctored photo.
Well OK, maybe it is a bit.


If anyone's interested in buying one of these, let me know. I could have a second income on my hands here.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Whitney Houston and Naomi Watts love the new Britney Spears sculpture

misc_rantsYou might be reading that headline and thinking "What the hell?" but there is a method to my madness. According to Zeitgeist, Whitney, Naomi and Britney's embarrassment are the top keywords on Google at the moment - and I've just discovered the joy of keywords in my own personal blog world.

Last week I finally installed a site counter here at Bland Canyon (don't know why it took me so long) and bless my cotton socks if you people out there aren't coming here in droves! I'm getting about 60 of you lot a day!


YOU LOVE ME! YOU REALLY LOVE ME!

Anyway I've taken particular joy in checking out the keywords that people have been surfing in on - words or phrases that people have been Googling, Yahooing or MSNing to ultimately wind up at this blog. And I'm pleased to announce the top keywords so far are a bizarre collection (what else?).

I've linked them to the relevant posts, in case you're curious. Or in case you've surfed here looking for Keira Knightley's feet and are a bit disappointed.
And my personal random favourite:
Brilliant.

PS: I'll let you know how many Whitney, Naomi and Britney surfers I get through following this post...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Red Hot Chili Peppers have a Blurry Jack Johnson moment

misc_rantsSo I heard the new Chili Peppers track on the radio the other day, Dani California, and it ocurred to me that it sounded VERY much like something... I just couldn't put my finger on it.

After much humming and la-la-ing and gnashing of teeth I finally realised that it sounded EXACTLY like Blur's Country House mixed with a bit of Jack Johnson's Taylor.

Sure, scoff if you like. That's what my friends did too. "What a bizarre mix!" they all guffawed.

Well, seeing as I am being such a multimedia boffin lately (if you haven't seen my remix of the Victorian Tourism advert yet you should), I have made a mix of both songs to prove my point. I think you'll agree the results are astounding.

Dani California - a Red Hot Chili Peppers original

Dani Taylor Lives in a Country House - a PetStarr remix original


See? I told you.

Feel free to spread this far and wide, by the way. As long as you send people back to my blog, I don't care.