RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The 10 most embarrassing songs on my hard drive

So I had my friend for dinner last night, and just as I was about to make the first cut into his juicy, tender thigh he screamed "NOOOO! There's this hilarious video blog I want you to see first!" So I put down my cutlery and logged in to Youtube and watched this ultra crap vid of a girl who calls herself "filthywhore" talking about the 10 most embarrassing songs on her hard drive. And lip synching really badly to them.

And I thought - that's a great idea, I'll nick it.

In all the excitement my friend managed to get away, but it was ok because I realised later I'd run out of tomato sauce anyway.

So, I present to you the following list of humiliation:

10. Live - Lightning Crashes

When Throwing Copper first came out, I was 14, and my friend had a copy, and we played it over and over. That was then. This is now. The kind of now where Live suck and Lightning Crashes sucks the hardest. The kind of now where Lightning Crashes has been moved to the playlist of the radio station whose tagline is "the best of the 70s, 80s and 90s" and whose primary demographic is the over 35s market. The kind of now where owning an mp3 copy of Lightning Crashes could very well be a criminal offence. Worse than this, I also have Iris, I Alone and All Over You. It's all downhill from here. (Although I will confess that All Over You is great to sing in the car or shower)(It's still crap though)

9. Danni Minogue - Put the Needle On It

I might get off scott free here, as it's possible no one in the world will remember this tragic little release from 2003. If you do remember it, it's probably because of the lyric "dirty hands, I demand", the plain English translation of which eludes me. To be honest, I still kind of dig the bassline of this track, which is very clubby and is great to slut-dance to when you're drunk. But if I was having a party and this song accidentally came on, the music snob in me would die from embarrassment.

8. Jason Mraz - The Remedy

Ahh, remember those early years of the new millenium? Those heady, post Y2K days when everyone was dancing around like Michael Stipe on crack to neo-folk songs with too many lyrics per bar, praising the return of the acoustic guitar? Thank Christ they didn't last. The Remedy is a classic example of that time. And while we've got this manila folder open, you can also file anything by The Barenaked Ladies in there. Who? Yeah, they died when the trend did. Although the Jon Butler Trio is still hanging in there, aren't they? Bless.

7. Craig David - 7 Days

It's the same old story - boy meets girl on Monday, takes her for a drink on Tuesday, then shags her senseless from Wednesday through Sunday before stopping for a rest. So sweet. Craig David was probably better known for his sculpted facial hair than his music, but for some reason I liked this song enough to buy the album, Born To Do It. To do what? Make crap music, I guess. Anyway, to my credit, I bought the CD from Kmart, took it home and copied it, returned it and got my money back. Actually, I'm not sure that IS to my credit. Store credit, anyway.

6. Bel Biv Devoe - Gangsta

Bel Biv Devoe were like the Backstreet Boys of hip hop in the mid 90s. They tried to come off all cool and street smart, but they were just too clean. I'd like to admit here that I still think Gangsta is a good song (as is Poison), especially for the lyric "She's the pretty in pink that makes you think, she wears gold, silk and even mink, but if she catches you with another lover - BOOM, you're a dead muthaf*cka". Except the last word was shortened to "muvvhhhh" so the kiddies wouldn't be upset.

5. The Superman Lovers - Starlight

With the exception of Daft Punk and the Chemical Brothers, dance tracks always have bad music videos. They either look like they were made in 1992 on a Sega Megadrive, or they just miss the mark completely and are bizarre. This one was no exception, which had an ugly rat-like creature trying to score a record deal on another planet. It made me hate the song. Then I realised it was a shit song anyway, so I wasn't so upset.

4. Will Smith - Getting Jiggy Wid It

No comment.

3. Tony Hawks - Stutter Rap

I was eight when this song came out, and I loved it. I also thought it was by the Beastie Boys, so clearly I can plead insanity here. I recently downloaded it to relive the memories, and discovered they were memories I could do without. I forgot to delete it, and so it stays there, waiting for the day I hold a "nerd" or "80s" or "one hit wonders" party and get to play it and impress everyone.

2. Quad City DJs - Come On Ride the Train

We're getting into the business end of things here. This one is a REAL embarrassment. Come On Ride the Train was black america's answer to The Macarena, a crap song with a crap dance attached that was sweeping the world in 1997. Ever keen to help the black american crap dance cause, Oprah Winfrey had the group on her show, showing off the song and teaching everyone how to do the CRAZY, FAR OUT, REAL GONE new dance craze, "the train". Strangely enough, it never caught on.

Which only leaves us with the most embarrassing song I own:

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Turtle Power

To my absolute and utter horror, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie soundtrack was the first album I ever bought. On tape. And I LIKED it. Even I want to punch myself right now. It was 1990 and the world was at the height of Turtlemania, and Rafael was my favourite. A red bandana, spiky handheld forks and attitude - my dream man. At any rate, none of that excuses the fact that this song is utter, UTTER crap, and is almost totally impossible to listen to - but it does get people on the dancefloor at parties. After a considerable amount of vodka.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Human kindness, the milk of

In response to some recent comments that the BC is getting too nasty, whingey and ranty (hello, that IS the point, actually) I have decided to give all you whingeing sucks a heartwarming story illustrating human kindness, that will lift your spirit and make you weep with joy for the inherent goodness of humans.

I will then end with a a nasty, whingey rant. So there's something for everyone, really.

Regular BC readers and friends will know that I took a trip to the orient in January this year and drank my way through Vietnam for two weeks (you can read all about my Hanoi hangovers here). Apart from all the drinking and eating, the trip also involved a fairly decent amount of shopping, which almost resulted in me having to sell half my luggage at Hong Kong airport just to get home. Fortunately, the gods of travel smiled upon me and I managed to bluff my way onto the flight without paying for the 20kg excess I was carrying (and that was just on my arse from all the Pho).

Anyway, back in Hanoi. It was the last night of my holiday, and I had gone nuts buying cushion covers and table runners. Cushion covers in Vietnam are the bees-effing-knees - silk and velvet and embroidered and just gorgeous, gorgeous, GORGEOUS. I knew that when I got home my living room would also be the bees-effing-knees. Except that I stupidly left all my purchases in a DVD shop before retiring to my hotel.

"Bugger" was a word that sprang to mind.

I returned the next morning only to find the shop shut. Surprise surprise. I had an hour before I had to catch my plane home, so I enlisted the help of the woman in the shop next door, who I had been teaching random English phrases two days earlier when I bought a lamp (2 kilos), and she helpfully agreed to break into the shop for me and let me in to find my bag. I'm not kidding. I broke in like a gypsy, looked around, came out empty handed and decided another gypsy had probably taken my stuff, and good luck to them.

I left my address and email with my hotel staff and asked them to pass it on to the DVD man if he should know the whereabouts of my gorgeous cushion covers, and fully expected them to file it under B for "bin". Or whatever "bin" is in Vietnamese. After returning home I received one email saying the DVD man did indeed have my cushions and wanted to return them to me but couldn't afford it. No amount of plain english emails from me could make them understand that I would pay for the postage, if they would only tell me how much it was. In the end I just gave up, and figured the DVD man was probably already enjoying kicking back in his gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous loungeroom.

Six months later, when I had forgotten all about it, I received a parcel in the mail from a stranger in Victoria. And inside - my delightful cushions and table runner. Imagine my surprise when I read the card (yes, a CARD! Not just a crap note, but a card, with a painting of birds on it!):

Dear PetStarr,
I was recently in Hanoi, where I visited a DVD shop in the old town, where the proprietors asked me to bring home your shopping - and here it is!
Best regards,
Jock Burns
(And no, I'm not being funny, that is his real name).

In a state of shock, I rang him up to thank him and offered to pay for the postage, to which he replied "Don't worry about that love. I've travelled all over the world and other people have always helped me out, so just pass the favour on to someone else."

WHAT A COMPLETE AND UTTER LEGEND AND ALL ROUND GOOD HUMAN. It just makes you rethink your plan of machine-gunning the entire human race, doesn't it? I mean, look how great these cushions are.


Shiny and good

And so, a champagne salute to Jock Burns to conclude the feel-good part of this story. And another salute to Hung, the lovely DVD man who kept my stupid shopping for six whole months just to get it back to me. If you're ever in Hanoi, I recommend you buy your DVDs from the shop on Hang Hanh St in the old quarter.

Now, shotgun that champers, sweethearts, because we're about to stalk into the den of the bitch.

A few weeks ago I found a brand spanking new mobile phone in the backseat of a taxi. Having been the victim of mobile theft before, and being a pretty honest and lovely person in general, I took the phone in with me and waited for it to ring so I could find out who owned it and give it back to them.

It rang, and some girl announced that the phone was hers. I announced that I had found it, and wasn't she lucky. She actually didn't seem to give a shit and said she'd pick the phone up the next day. This surprised me, given that if I had left my phone in the back of a taxi and was fortunate enough to get it back, I would probably marry whoever had found it AND bake them a cake AND give them my first born child (not to mention get my arse to their place QUICK to pick it up the same night, before they had a chance to look through all my stuff)(not that I did that)(OK, OK, so I did, whatever).

At any rate, this chick called me at about midday the next day (when she'd rolled her fat, hungover arse out of bed)(yes, I know she was fat because I looked through her mobile photos)(well you would, wouldn't you?)(I AM nice, I swear) and told me she was coming to get her phone. Which was rather inconvenient because I was heading out to lunch. NOT TO WORRY, I said, I am SO considerate and nice that I will wrap your phone up and put it in my letterbox, so you can come by and pick it up whenever you like. "Great" she said, sounding like she'd be more excited if I perhaps left her a piece of cake in the letterbox instead.

Off I went to lunch, feeling like a real good samaritan and extra pleased that I had done as the illustrious Jock Burns of Victoria had commanded - to pass the charity on to another, and keep the good karma circulating throughout the world.

As I drove home, the altruistic nature of my good deed started to dissolve as I began to wonder what present or card would be left in place of the mobile in my letterbox. I thought maybe I'd get a small box of servo choccies, or a handwritten note.

Imagine my surprise when I lifted the lid and saw ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL. That's right, NOTHING. My good deed had been rewarded with an empty metal box.

Cue rant. WHAT KIND OF PERSON doesn't leave a thank you card in this situation? A card would have been nice, a present even better, but failing both of those - HOW ABOUT JUST A NOTE SAYING THANKS? I don't care what you write it on - the back of a receipt from your wallet, an old parking ticket, a dirty tissue - but for GOD'S SAKE have some MANNERS!

I should have just kept the phone, chanting "What goes around comes around, beeyatch".

Anyway, if anyone knows a fat chick from somewhere in the northern suburbs who likes to do acid and hang out at The Village Tavern and (according to her text messages) has an impossible relationship with someone called Craig who got her phone back from someone who found it in a taxi, remind her that karma will punish her for her lack of manners. Come to think of it, her life as it stands is probably punishment enough.

I still wish I'd kept the phone.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It's time to go: Domino's

Ever since I first sampled their fluffy, spongey bases and sugary tomato sauce five years ago I have rued the day I let the evil psuedo-pizza spawn of Domino's hell kitchens touch my tastebuds.

After that first indiscretion I refused to ever eat Domino's again, which was further cemented by their apparent obssession with putting chicken on pizzas, something that (being a pizza purist) I am totally against.

But now - well NOW THEY'VE JUST GONE TOO FAR.

To be honest, the entire company has been skating on thin ice here in the BC for quite a while, what with them unsuccessfully trying to enter teen speak with their stupid "So Puff" campaign and then forcing us to buy what is effectively KFC with each pizza (chicken kickers, anyone?).

But now, Domino's, it really IS time to go, thanks to your new crust: the cheese and bacon burst.

I don't know about you, but I don't really like the words "bacon" and "burst" together. Especially together with the word "cheese". More to the point, I don't like putting ACTUAL bacon with ACTUAL cheese INSIDE a pizza, so that it "bursts" out when I bite it. I find the idea entirely repellent. In fact, just thinking about the cheese with chunky bacon pieces in it oozing out of the crust in the TV commercial makes me want to vomit something that probably looks quite similar.

I couldn't find a photo of this unfortunate culinary abortion to show you the full extent of the horror that Domino's is now inflicting upon its customers, but I think you'll find the cheese and bacon burst crust resembles this quite closely. (sorry to those of you with weak stomachs, but the point had to be made)

As previously mentioned, however, this is just the latest in a long line of culinary infringements by Domino's. Let's analyse a few of them:

The Double Bacon Cheeseburger


Seriously, don't even try to defend this pizza

Apart from the idea of a cheeseburger-pizza hybrid being ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REVOLTING, isn't it just unnecessary? It reminds me of this bizarre pizza-meat-pie cross breed you can get at the Port Canal Mall (incidentally, it's not the only bizarre half breed in the mall either). It's like - why? Either you want a cheeseburger, or you want a pizza. You want a pizza, or you want a pie. PICK ONE, YOU FAT BASTARD.

But what really gets me about this pizza is the list of toppings: BBQ sauce, mozzarella, beef, bacon AND A SWIRL OF MAYONNAISE. I'm sorry, but who the FUCK puts mayonnaise on a pizza? Domino's does. It's possibly the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, no - hang on...

The Mr Wedge


Just as bad as the TV show by the same name

Clearly Domino's' (love those apostrophes) publicity department has done some market research and determined that their target audience is fat, hungry, has no tastebuds and is above all CONFUSED. Because once again we have another food masquerading as a pizza. This time it's potato wedges. That's right, potato wedges are now a pizza topping. At least, they are in Domino's third circle of pizza hell, where this creation obviously comes from.

Actually, it comes from New Zealand, which shouldn't really surprise anyone. It comes topped with BBQ sauce, mozzarella cheese, potato wedges, bacon, onion, oregano, garlic and cream. Mm, I love a good bit of cream on a pizza. And what's the obssession with BBQ sauce? What happened to good old tomato?

Imagine if you got the Mr Wedge with a cheese and bacon burst crust. I think maybe this. (Sorry)

Other stupid crusts


Puffy, cheesy, all round revolting

Crusts should either be thick, or thin, that's it. Actually, I lie. They should only be thin. And preferably wood fired. (I told you I was a pizza purist)

They should NOT be stuffed with things, made out of stupid pastry, cut into shapes or coated in anything. A pizza crust doesn't need to be a feature, it just needs to BE. Got that? If you want anything else, YOU'RE NOT EATING PIZZA. You're committing a pizza crime and should consider yourself evicted from civilised society along with Domino's.

And so in closing: Domino's, for

a) subjecting the world to your crappy excuses for pizza
b) hijacking Italian culture and screwing it to within an inch of its former self
c) giving us the cheese and bacon burst crust

IT'S TIME TO GO!

PS: this is the latest in a line of "It's time to go" evictions - you can read the others here.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Ticked off about stories about ticks

In reference to THIS article, which I wrote in September 2005, the following stories have recently run on A Current Affair and Today Tonight:

A Current Affair

Today Tonight

Oh and look, the Heart Foundation tick raises its ugly head again:

I'd like to point out that this is only a selection of the stories that ran this week. Doubtless I missed a whole pile of crap about internet scams and neighbours throwing dog crap at each other. Sigh.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Paper chasing - more crap TV ads

How convenient that my two latest hated TV commercials both fall under the category of 'paper products'. It makes me look organised, as if I have been meticulously grouping things together in my head until I get a chance to put them up here. As it happens they just shit me, and they happen to be related products. Such is life.

Anyway let's kick it off with:

1. Kleenex Anti-Viral 'Teacher' commercial

Now that the winter of discontent is upon us once more, we are again being subjected to this poxy, sweet-as-pie, cutesy-pootsy commercial that frankly, is soppier than a snotty tissue. And just as objectionable.


Download the video - 580k WMV

The ad starts by showing us a woman with too much blush on her nose writing notes on a piece of paper (perhaps a note to remind herself not to use so much blush next time). A school class photo in the background reveals that either she has about 25 children, or is their teacher. I think we can assume it's the latter. At any rate, despite her over application of blush (which I think is supposed to indicate that she has a head cold and has been blowing her nose), she looks pretty content.


EXHIBIT A - clearly pretty content, despite the headcold.

BUT SUDDENLY - a knock at the door. And look how much that's annoyed her.


EXHIBIT B - pretty pissed off.

She drags her poor, tired, overworked and underpaid, state school-slaving arse off the couch to the door, perhaps expecting something WORTH getting off the couch for, and instead finds...


EXHIBIT C - truanting children.

Well that's just fucking DANDY isn't it? The poor woman takes a day off work to get away from the little brats who probably GAVE her the flu in the first fucking place, and the next thing you know they're rolling up to her door bearing spurious "gifts" and asking to be let inside.

Which she DOES, dear reader, she lets them all in the house, sits them on the floor and then starts teaching.


EXHIBIT D - a clear case for claiming overtime.

WHAT DOES A TEACHER HAVE TO DO IN THIS COUNTRY TO GET A DAY OFF, FOR FUCK'S SAKE? Besides which, why is this teacher such a drip that all it takes to break her down is spending $2.50 at the chemist? And they're not even the nice aloe vera ones either, they're bloody ANTI VIRAL. They might as well have bought her a box of Cadbury's Roses while they were at it, just to clinch the "shitty present" deal.

And throughout all of it we're forced to listen to the naff Kleenex theme tune, the overall effect being one which the advertisers hope will make you go "Awwwww". Well, it does. It makes me go "Awwwww I HATE THIS FUCKING COMMERCIAL!"

2. Random sanitary pad commercial

I don't even know what brand this is for (which shows what a great commercial it is), or what is actually special about the product being advertised, or even what product IS being advertised. Which are all reasons enough for hating the ad. But the real reason is because it's stupid.

Here's the setup - some skinny white bitch is getting dressed while her boyfriend sits around waiting. Despite the fact that she is about a size two, she is finding it incredibly difficult to get any of her clothes to fit - perhaps because the only place she could have bought clothes that small is THE TODDLER SECTION AT K MART. She lies back on the bed, pulling on her uber tight jeans, then gasps and moans as she pulls on a ridiculously tight singlet, then hires a crane to help pull her tight sneakers on... no, I'm just kidding about that bit, obviously. They're boots, not sneakers.

So throughout all of this her boyfriend is rolling his eyes and sighing and looking at his watch, which is understandable given that they're probably only going down the shops to get some milk. We then hear skeletor yell out "Can you get me a pad from the drawer?"

This is where it gets weird. Pussy whipped Dutiful boyfriend goes to the drawer, which contains TWO NEAT STACKS OF UNWRAPPED SANITARY PADS. Confused (as are we all) he picks up one of each and presents it to her boniness, asking "Which one?", to which she replies "The *brand name product that I can't remember* - it's shaped to fit my body. You don't want me to be uncomfortable, do you?"

After I had picked myself up off the floor where I had landed in the throes of hilarity that ensued from that gem of a gag (she's putting on really tight clothes, but then she says she needs her pad to be comfortable, GET IT?!), I began to think about several points of weirdness in this commercial, namely:

1. Why does this woman buy two types of pads, one of which she clearly doesn't wear?

2. Why does she then unwrap each pad from its hygienic plastic wrapper and stack them in a drawer?

I think the answer to both of these questions stems from the lack of creativity on behalf of the marketing department who came up with this pile of shit.

In closing, I would like to suggest that Kleenex get together with whoever this pad company is and produce an anti viral pad, because if that woman continues to get about in such tight pants she's probably going to need it.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The best "f*** you" email ever

Clearing out my emails the other night, I found one I'd written a few months ago that is, quite possibly, the best email I have ever written.

It was to an ex boyfriend of the "effing C" variety, who had emailed me after seeing me at a function to request that we "catch up for a beer" and try to re establish a friendship.

Being that he had indulged in frequent acts of bastardry throughout our relationship, including (but not limited to): cheating, lying, theft, manipulation and psychotic episodes, I felt that idea might be a tad optimistic, and so was moved to write the following:

Please note that even though I hate his guts, I have not used his real name. My friends will know who I'm referring to (and NO, it's not this guy). Ladies, if you want to know who to avoid, email me.

Hi DICKHEAD,

To be honest, I have no interest in being your friend. That might sound harsh to you, but after the way you treated me throughout our pathetically one-sided relationship I really feel that any sort of "friendship" is unachievable. Not only because it's too difficult to bother with, but because I have no desire to be friends with such a deceptive and selfish person. Indeed, tolerating your presence when I am forced to is really the best I can do.

I can only hope that you understand what a complete and utter rat coward you are and how much you used and wore down two lovely women who (at the time) wanted nothing but the best for you. The lengths you went to to deceive and keep us both hanging on the line is mind-boggling. If it hadn't actually happened to me I would have sworn it were the plot of a B grade Hollywood movie.

Apart from the lies and the cheating and getting me to do design work for you, fix your resume and basically be your secretary for a year while you were in the UK, I seem to remember you telling me you "hated me more than anyone you've ever known", which I think was supposed to be some sort of defence for not paying me back the money I lent you to fix your car.

So after all of this you'd like to have a beer and be friends? How's "get fucked" sound?

regards,
Petstarr
Feel free to use this email as a template for your own grand "FUCK YOU" correspondences.

PS: if you're interested, his reply was simply "I agree, and thanks."

Monday, June 05, 2006

The obligatory Big Brother post

Right, fine, I admit it. I have started watching Big Brother. Now they're down to a decent amount of people (who the fuck can be bothered watching 18 of them?) I've started watching it more and more. Whereas I would once go to any lengths to avoid the show, I now find myself going "No Katie, Jamie didn't say YOU were socially divisive, he said the GAME was!" and "Danielle, don't flirt with John when Dino's right there!" and more often than not, "SHUT THE HELL UP UP, CAMILLA."

So, that being said, here's my rundown on the remaining contestants.

1. Krystal


"Hi, I'm like, um Krystal, and um, yeah..."

Let's get it out of the way - Krystal is hot. She's pretty damn cute. I admit that. She's also sort of fun and quirky, and proved that she wasn't a complete girly wuss when she ate a pig's eye on Friday Night Games. None of this, however, cancels out the fact that she is really bloody annoying. I would rather listen to the sounds of a buffalo being slaughtered to a soundtrack of The Crazy Frog than ever hear this girl speak again. Her voice and delivery are APPALLING, and she always takes up the full two minutes in nominations to get her point across, because it usually comes out like this:
"Um I'd like to nominate Camilla for, um, two points, because, um, she can like, be a bit mean sometimes and um, that like, makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't like feeling awkward around people, and, um, I don't feel like I should have to, um, like, feel awkward in the house so that's why I'm nominating her."
Which is normally followed by Big Brother saying "Krystal you're not being CLEAR. Why don't you say what you MEAN?" or some other pre recorded crap, because the voice over guy is probably in the toilet or something.

I also don't think she's the sharpest tool in the box, after reading this on her profile on the BB website:
Q: If you could pash any historical figure, who would it be?
A: Aphrodite, she might be able to teach me some tricks!
Aw come on Krystal, what about Superman? Or Moby Dick? They're historical figures too!

2. John


Wha happened?

I just have one thing to say about John - LOSE THE HAIR, DUDE! For fuck's sake, it looks like a wig he slept in, took to the beach, wrapped around a football and kicked through the surf for a bit, put back on and slept in again, and then took to a hairdressing school and let trainees "style". It is bloody awful. Apart from that, I guess he's ok. Yawn. And how old is he anyway? Twelve? No chance for the win.

3. Rob


I don't care if the sun don't shine,
BECAUSE IT SHINES WHEN I TELL IT TO SHINE.


Ah Rob, the power hungry, fabulous bitch-queen. I love him. I'd hate to LIVE with him, but I love to watch him annoy the shit out of everyone else. If he gets evicted this week there is no justice in this world.

One thing ocurrs to me when I look at Rob, with his crazy jumped-up hairdo:


Unlock the jukebox, and do us all a favour...

Tell me you see it too.

4. Dave


The star of Big Brotherback Mountain

Dave is hot. Dave is gay. Dave is a cowboy. Run, Dave, run. Apparently Dave also has a very hot boyfriend on the outside called Sherif Kanawati who's been prancing about selling his story to gay mags, thusly:


Dave shagged the Sherif, but he didn't shag no deputy...

So I guess if he doesn't win Big Brother (and his chances have been looking slimmer each week he continues his holier-than-thou act) he could always fall back on the money I'm sure Sherif is saving to share with him when he gets out... *snigger*

5. Claire


Um...?

Who?

6. Camilla


"Are you saying I'm fat?"

The next time Camilla asks "Do you think I look fat?" I want someone to hog tie her, shove an apple in her mouth, paint her with honey and stick her over some coals, and scream "YESSSSSSS! YESSS YOU DOOOOO!! So this crackling will be EXTRA tasty!" But mostly I just want someone to tell her to shut the hell up. In any case, it's pretty obvious Camilla is going to get ousted this Sunday (we can only hope) so we won't have to put up with that god awful zebra number she wears every eviction, or her whingeing about whatever hasn't gone her way. And whingeing about things that HAVE gone her way, that she twists around so she still has something to whinge about.

7. Katie


"And then my head went that way, and my legs went that way!"

Katie is glorious, and awful, in equal measures. I want to hate her, but I can't - she's fabulous. Even if she does sound and act like the kid off the Mutual Community ad who says "And then they bit me into parts...pieces" whenever she nominates anyone. Seriously, how old is she? Five? Possibly, as this is what she wrote in her personal profile on the BB site (all spelling is Katie's own attempt):

I look like a typical blonde, Norwegian, beautician's daughter, but I don't act like it... I am mis concepted a lot because of my appearance (as I have just prior mentioned). For example when I am modelling and guys ask what I do and I tell them that I am just finishing a Diploma in Occupational Health and Safety, that I want to work on the minds and that I have had a scollarship before, they are all like, "Arrr, oh, well wasn't expecting that."
I love "mis concepted", "as I have just prior mentioned" and "scollarship". And I love that she wants "to work on the minds". Does she even speak English? Who cares, she's awesome, and a good chance for the win. Except she won't win, because Australia will always vote for Jamie.

She could always pretend to be Gaelan and confuse the public into voting for him instead - can YOU tell them apart?


Is it Katie or Gaelan? Who can tell?


8. Ashley


Fart.

I don't give a toss about Ashley, to be quite honest, but I had to mention him for this one thing that I saw in his BB website profile:

Q: Myself in three words?
A: Passionate, straight up, honest to a point.
That's seven, you dickhead.

And as for Danielle and Jamie - who cares? On tonight's episode, Jamie recited some poem he'd written that went something along the lines of:

Liquid orbs float on by
My oh my.
I wait, at the gate
Don't hate.
Rubber grandfather clocks
cry on cobwebs.*

To which Danielle responded "Oh wow. That makes so much sense."

Given that neither of them had a hint of irony in their voices, I couldn't care less what happens to them from now on.

*I've made most of this up, except for the line "rubber grandfather clocks", which actually WAS in Jamie's poem. Seriously.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Strange Attractions Part III

Right. It's Sunday afternoon, I'm still in my pyjamas, and in the tradition of Strange Attractions I and Strange Attractions II, I'm going to tell you about boys I like. Starting with a very obvious call:

1. Wentworth Miller


With hair...


Without hair. I don't really give a shit.

Ok, so I know this segment is supposed to be STRANGE Attractions, but I'm sure you'll let me off just this once. Other than Kelsey Grammar, Wentworth Miller is the only person in the world to have a name that sounds like a boarding school, and yet - I still would. We ALL would, come on, admit it. Wentworth is a delicious genetic aberration from everyday humdrum human gene concoctions. If the proper laws of reproduction were being followed during his conception, Wentworth would actually look like this:


THIS guy looks like a Wentworth.

A friend of mine recently complained that she didn't like Prison Break because Wentworth Miller only had one facial expression. Um, yeah - "hot". Enough said.

2. Mos Def


1-2-3... Mos Def and Petstarr sitting in a tree...

So I went to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party last night, and apart from continually thinking "Why won't someone throw a block party like that on MY street?" I realised something that had been staring me in the face for years - Mos Def is fucking gorgeous. The jaw, the lips, those chocolate eyes. WORD. Apart from which he's one of the snappiest dressers in the whole entire world, and oh yeah, he can rap too. Mighty mighty Mos, I bow to thee.

3. Zach Braff


Awwww.

Awww look! Isn't he cute? He's all thin and pale and SEXY AS ALL HELL. Look at those eyes! I LOVE Zach Braff. I don't really have anything else to say about this, except that watching him in Scrubs and Wentworth in Prison Break, I have developed a strange fascination with men who wear tight long sleeved cotton tops underneath short sleeve shirts.


Fashions in hospital and prison are essentially the same

4. Julian Casablancas


Rrroar.

After Chris Cornell, Julian Casablancas (lead singer of The Strokes, guys, come on!) has the sexiest voice in rock. It's like velvet dipped in chocolate and covered with a mixture of honey and drain cleaner. And don't even tell me you don't understand that imagery. To be honest, he's not particularly good looking, except when he's writhing around on the New York footpath in Heart in a Cage, or actually looking tragic and fucked up in ANY of The Strokes' videos, and of course also in this photo. But Mr Casablancas is an example of where an individual's rock quotient is so high that it exceeds all other requirements for attraction, and as a result - I so would. It's why all men should learn to play the guitar and look a bit moody from time to time.

5. Hamish Blake


From the sublime to the ridiculous...

Hamish Blake is funny and cute. Let's all admit it. Let's also all admit that Channel 7 should never have axed the Hamish and Andy show when it was on, because it had the potential to be the best thing since The Late Show and was actually bloody funny to start with. Now Hamish is making appearances on Thank God You're Here, which despite bashing the other day I am actually growing a bit fond of. And he's awesome. He's also younger than me, which makes me have sultry Graduate style fantasy sessions in which Hamish asks me if I'm trying to seduce him. And then cracks a joke and asks for a high five. Cute.

6. Angus Sampson


What am I thinking?

So, this really IS a strange attraction - Angus Sampson. I'm obviously on a bit of a Thank God You're Here trip, which is odd because I've really only watched it twice. At any rate, Angus used to be the Maggi Snack Stop guy, at which point in his career no one could have called him good looking without having undergone a full frontal lobotomy first. But now - something's happened to Angus. He's lost weight, gained some artistic facial hair, and started doing SERIOUS ACTING. And goodness, I'm finding him rather dashing. Even in this photo, where he looks like he's about to eat the chair he's sitting on.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Salad recipe book of disappointment

Regular readers of the BC (and indeed, Triple J listeners) might remember my rant about the Salad of Disappointment which managed to earn the lofty title of Triple J's "Friday F***wit" a few weeks ago.

Well hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen, because I've found the grandmammy of salad disappointments - CONSOLIDATED INTO ONE BOOK!


Doesn't that boiled egg look lonely?


Yes, it's a whole disappointing salad recipe book from that doyenne of salad making, Ethel Brice.

What - you've never heard of her? Surely you jest. To jog your memory:


Ethel, Queen of Salads
and      cold        savoury        dishes


She looks like she'd know how to make vinaigrette, doesn't she?*

According to the book's foreword, Ethel is "Australia's foremost cooking expert" and her name "is a byword in kitchens from Cairns to Kalgoorlie, from Auckland to Invercargill". Auckland to WHERE? Somewhere they no longer eat a lot of salad, I'm assuming. The foreword mentions that the book is the first of a series by Ethel, covering everything from breakfast to barbecues and even "cooking in the foreign manner". Oooh THE foreign manner? Of course, there is only one.

Anyway I found this gem of a booklet at a market recently, and I felt I should share some of dear old Ethel's salads with you.

Let's start with a classic - tuna and beans.


Mmm, chunks - in TECHNICOLOUR!


Mmmm doesn't that just get your mouth watering? For the record, this salad also contains onions, capsicum and celery. And if you're wondering what the stuff in the other bowls is, it's apple and orange slices with walnuts. According to Ethel "it is said among cooks that those who have not tasted this kind of salad have never really lived". I would suggest that those who HAVE tasted Ethel's tuna and bean salad might have limited TIME to live, but moving on...


Pig nipples, anyone?


These delightful little blobs are "Beetroot Shapes". I like how Ethel has gone for a general word like "shape". It gives you room to move if you're a beginner and you don't have that exact mould. In any case, these are made from beetroot, celery, vinegar and red jelly mix. Ethel recommends you serve them with cold meats. I recommend you never serve them at all.


Nice and organised...


This, Ethel describes as "an attractive chilled vegetable platter". Mmmm, because there's nothing better than cold, boiled peas, is there? Not to mention corn, beans, carrots and celery. Perhaps Ethel is being sponsored by the celery board. Clearly her oven is on the blink (maybe that's why she came up with this book in the first place) because she once again recommends that we serve this with cold meats. She gives no clue as to what the 'F' is for. "Fucking awful", is my guess.


I have no words...


Proving conclusively that she hasn't paid her gas bill, Ethel serves us up a slice of CHILLED upside down meat loaf, "flavoured deliciously with pineapple". I don't even think celery could save this one.


Now, what would Ethel call this?


So, this is a "Fish Shape". That's actually what it's called. My guess is you'll be vomiting fish shapes when you hear what's in it: gelatine, tomato juice, canned salmon, cucumber, milk, evaporated milk, cottage cheese and mayonnaise. Oh, and celery. Can't forget the celery. An interesting point is that Ethel instructs us to pour the mixture into a fish shaped mould, "Or any other fancy mould". WELL THEN IT'S NOT A FUCKING FISH SHAPE, IS IT, ETHEL? As a side note, this recipe is featured directly above one called "Jellied Veal". Perhaps she's being sponsored by the celery board AND the gelatine board.

And lastly:


The horror, the horror...


Looking incredibly like the inflatable rings you buy for haemorrhoids, it's Ethel's unfortunately named "Corned Beef Ring". With cabbage and shredded corned beef set in tomato flavoured aspic, this dish has absolutely nothing to recommend it. Except for perhaps the fact that it allows me to imagine Ethel inviting friends over to nibble her ring.

*Incidentally, Ethel has no idea how to make vinaigrette, as this is her recipe:

  • 1 hard boiled egg
  • 1 tsp chopped parsley
  • 1 tsp chopped gherkin
  • 1/2 tsp capers
  • 1 tsp chopped capsicum
  • 1/2 cup French dressing