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The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

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Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

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YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Junk mail round up Vol 5

It's taken almost six weeks of rocking back and forth in the corner of a darkened room, clutching my limited edition Matt Corby pillow (which I bought with my Matt Corby novelty dollars) and wailing "WHY MATT, WHY NOT YOOOOU?" but I'm finally feeling ready to blog again post-Idol.

And what better way to bounce back in '08 than with a good old junk mail round up?

Let's kick off with this flyer for a local private school. The school in question shall remain nameless, but it's fair to say it's the type of establishment that rich mummies and daddies send children with names like Hugh, Oscar and Max to. And it doubles as a detention centre on the weekends, evidently.


Perhaps you'd like a closer look at that?


"Mummmy let me ouuuut!!! I promise I won't eat all the truffles again!"


What better way to advertise your school than by getting your students to do an impression of the latest arrivals at Baxter? Obviously "The journey starts here" isn't just an inspirational tag line - IT'S A CHALLENGE.

Let's move on to something even more cheery, this decidedly sadistic flyer for telecommunications giant Optus.


Who do they think they are, bloody Tony Soprano? ("Hey boss, you want I should er, 'get rid' of that fluffy bunny rabbit?")

PS: THANKS FOR THE MULTIPLE CHOICE, OPTUS. Do we get a choice of weapon as well? Chainsaw? Mallet? Blender? Creeps.

You know, lately every time I fry sausages I just feel so ... I dunno, DAGGY. I just can't shake the feeling that there's a more, well, TRENDY way to do it...


HALLELUJAH!


I knew it! For just $1.50 I can get myself some TRENDY TABLE TONGS (that, strangely enough, look just like NORMAL TABLE TONGS) and start living life in the fast lane! Thanks, Cheap as Chips!

But why stop there? If I head down to GO-LO I can ramp the trendiness level up another notch by purchasing one of these spiffy shirts:


Shall we assume this is the photographer's cousin?


Look at the GREAT CHOICE OF COLOURS! There are five! And they're all vaguely the same! Why not buy the whole set and confuse your neighbours?

Now that we're rollin' like true playas with our trendy tongs and our great coloured shirts, it might be time to sell up the old pad and move into a more suitable suburb. I reckon this lady can help us out:



IF SHE'S NOT TOO BUSY BEING POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL:


I'm not responsible for any criminal acts you may commit if you stare at this too long.


Disappointingly, she has neglected to include the line "NOT REAL CURRENCY - NO MONETARY VALUE" anywhere on this flyer. I hope this means that some poor confused person thought it was a Christmas present from Aunty Flo and tried to do their shopping with it. How I would have laughed.

Speaking of Christmas presents, I do hope you chose to do your holiday shopping at Smokemart. They have such a good range to choose from, and the whole family can shop there - this little girl is trying to decide what to get her daddy:


Thoughtfully, her daddy has left a whole range of post-it note suggestions for her to choose from. What a good daddy. I wonder what she'll choose?


Hmm.


NAUGHTY STUFF or DRINKING GEAR, it's such a tough choice for an eight year old. No wonder she's having to think about it.

If only she'd gone to My Chemist instead - THEY know how to do a classy flyer.


Now, isn't this the true spirit of Christmas?


Merry new year everybody.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: THE GRAND FINAL

This is it, people. After weeks and weeks of late nights...


This is approximately how old I was at the beginning of the series


...and hard nights on the couch...


...and pages and pages of notes...


...and WAY too much Marcia and Holden...


...we're FINALLY HERE. Idol's night of nights! THE GRAND FINALE - AUSTRALIA DECIDES!

I have to admit it's lucky I even caught the program at all - I thought they had done a last minute schedule change and shifted the show to the ABC on Saturday night, but it turned out it was just some other show called 'Australia Decides' with less attractive contestants. I couldn't work out why everyone kept whooping and cheering - especially when the nerd with the glasses won. AND he didn't sing ONCE.

Anyway it's Monday now so it's all done and dusted, but to get you back in the mood of Sunday night let's set the scene a bit here: Imagine Marcia is Tina Turner in leather, the Opera House is the Thunderdome and Holden is Mad. Oops, I obviously mean Mad MAX - don't want to make it too easy for you.


Two Idols enter. One Idol leaves. (The other stays in the Thunderdome and enjoys a more successful career.)


Let the not-so-liveblogging BEGIN!

7.30pm: Well, we're here, it's the grand final, and... ARE YOU SERIOUS? ALREADY?


And Corby single-handedly pushes the Stevie count into double figures - WOO! Does this mean he's won? Oh, it doesn't. Never mind.

7.35: The Idol producers, clearly rueing the lack of sweat and grease in this year's grand final show, get Chris "contractual obligations" Murphy back to interview some "celebrities" (ie: people you may recognise but can't actually name) on the "red carpet" (ie: whatever bit of material was left over from the ARIAs). This includes such famous identities as: That Girl From Neighbours, That Other Girl From Neighbours and That Random American Guy. And Brett Lee.

7.40: Tim Bailey (otherwise known as That Guy Who Crops Up On Channel 10 Every Year Or So To Do A Spot Of Filler) is coming in LIVE from La Gauci's home town of... who knows. Who cares? For some reason the Consul General of Malta is there - I like to think that he's there by accident after a case of mistaken identity at the airport, and he's standing there waving and smiling thinking "This doesn't look like the Confederation of Goat Farmers trade conference..."

7.41: One of Nat's relatives starts playing the accordion and everyone starts dancing. It's like a Fasta Pasta ad.

7.42: Andrew G has REALLY taken Movember too far.

7.43: "Is that Ben Cousins?" shrieks Raoul Duke. No, it's someone called "Labrat". So, same thing really. He's hanging out with Le Corby's friends in his hometown. Wherever that is.

7.45: Back at the Thunderdome and Tina, Max and the others are sitting on a couch with Monkey Boy. Dicko's got his best leathers on (could this be a nod to our leather-loving lady, La Gauci?) while Max is dressed in his best Sergeant Peppers outfit. Which, funnily enough, is actually one of his worst.

7.47: "Well I said TURN ME LOOSE, TURN ME LOOSE..." and so on and so on.

7.51: Damien "Diddle-dee-dee" Leith has taken some time out from guarding his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to come and perform his new single All I Want Is You. Weird - I seem to remember some other Irish singer doing something like that before...

7.55: Time for the obligatory flashback of the last 20 years. Or however long this series has been running now. We are all reminded of Breanna, Holly, Jacob and OH MY GOD I'D TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT


IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!!


While we're flashbacking, here's what the BC said about both contenders in their first auditions, way back when:

"He's followed by Natalie who, fortunately, doesn't look a thing like Michael Keaton but does seem to own the ugliest vinyl jacket in Australia. This wouldn't really be a problem, except that she happens to be wearing it. She also happens to own the biggest electric keyboard in Australia, and once the semi trailer carrying it has dropped it off in the audition room and it has been winched into place, she starts doing an Alicia Keys impression on it. Apparently it's an original song. Apparently this is also the performance that has been touted on the ads all week as having taken the judges' collective breath away. Unfortunately not away for long enough to hospitalise Kyle for the rest of the series, but enough to make Dicko pull out the "I think you can win this competition" line for the first time this year. He follows it up by saying she's the "total package". Oh no. Kiss of death for Natalie, buh-bye!"


Ah La Gauci. She kept that whole vinyl jacket thing up though, didn't she? Bless her. And the other guy?

"Anyway it's finally time for our last auditionee for 2007! Hurrah! Meet 16 year old Matt, who looks like a cross between Dean Geyer and Hamish Blake. Which, as we know, equals HOTT and CUTE! Matt brings the "grrr" and "awww" factors together in a way science previously never thought possible. And guess what song he does?

Yes. Oh yes he does.


I AM starting to get a bit superstitious now...

But it's not all tragic - he plays it on his guitar, and he's a pretty hot guitarist for 16. Oh Matt, oh yeah.

Clearly Matt's already won this whole thing so there's probably no point in coming back for the next episode...but I shall anyway! Onward and upward, and thank GOD for Sydney!"


8.00: "Alright Australia, for the first time in 20 years, THE DIVINYLS!!" Thousands of confused teenagers think "That old chick's doing Natalie Gauci" as Chrissie and the gang launch into Boys in Town. Sadly there is no piano standing though.

8.02: "Too much too young! Woo! Too much too... er... where'd the picture go?" Instead of watching the Divinyls whip the end of the song into oblivion, we're treated to a delightful ad for some new Channel 10 show called Don't Forget the Lyrics, which appears to be a none-too-subtle rip off of Channel 9's The Singing Bee, but worse BECAUSE IT'S INTERRUPTING THE DIVYNLS. Clearly the work experience kid has tripped over a cable and sent the network into meltdown.

"How classic," yips Raoul. "The Divinyls agree to do this shit show for publicity and then Channel 10 fucks it up."

8.03:

Petstarr: "I can't believe they fucked up the end of that song."

Raoul Duke: "I can't believe they're getting all these old Idols no one cares about to do Pascall ads."

Petstarr: "Good point."


8.05: "Alright Australia, for the first time in five minutes, THE DIVINYLS!" Chrissie and the gang have another crack at Boys in Town. As Channel 10 is so fond of saying: Seriously. In the background you can just hear the distant sounds of someone getting the sack.

8.06: "I must have been desperate, I must have been pretty low..." Yep, those lyrics would seem to be fairly appropriate for thie evening, Chrissie.

8.07: Andrew G announces The Divinyls' new single is Don't Wanna Do This. That would also seem to be fairly appropriate.

8.25: Shannon Noll wears a vest with cut off sleeves and screams like Jimmy Barnes.

8.36: Channel 10 confuses one pointless talent contest with another and gets "20 of Australia's best dancers" on stage to promote So You Think You Can Dance?. So you think you can last the full three hours of this shit?

8.38: So, like, where are Matt and Nat?

8.39: More dancing. Some people are dressed in twigs. Considering half of the Idol cast spent the last 12 weeks dressed by Sheridan Tyler, I think we can safely say this is an improvement.

8.41: Someone's mum gets on stage to sing Who's Loving You. Not us, by the looks of it.

8.43: More flashbackery - we get to see Casey Donovan's audition tape from 2005 in which she's sporting dodgy plaited hair, jumbo shorts and a horrid grey sweater. Actually, IS that her audition tape, or footage of her at the ARIAs this year?

8.48: Raoul Duke: "DO THIS IN AN HOUR, YOU BASTARDS!"

8.49: Natalie Bassingthwaighghhghhte tears in on the back of a motorbike with a JBF hairdo (actualy, it's more like a JBFVVH - work that one out for yourselves) and starts singing whatever crap single the Rogue Traders are trying to pass off as music this week. Everyone prays for the work experience kid to come back and breakdance across the broadcast room.

8.50: "I never liked you and I won't pretend to!" she sings. Again, like the Divinyls, an INSPIRED song choice.

8.51: A bunch of ninjas rush on to the stage, but instead of swarming on Natalie and throwing her into the harbour they just do a bit of dancing. Sigh.

8.58: A stretch Porsche rolls up, escorted by a team of rollerbladers with flaming wrists. Either a bunch of waitresses has gotten caught in a tragic kitchen fire at a Johnny Rockets and is skating towards the Harbour to cool off, or the IDOLS HAVE ARRIVED!

8.59: WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Her breasts look enormous, mainly because they're being squeezed so hard by that ill-fitting bodice that they've started to do a fairly passable impression of the BOOBA book shelf from Ikea. And that dreadful toilet roll holder white tulle skirt makes her look... well...

9.00: Honestly, is Natalie pregnant? Raoul suggests that perhaps she has "some weird extra body part they have to disguise". Like a penis? "Exactly like a penis." On the other hand, she's DRIPPING in diamonds, of which I approve.

9.01: Oh look, Matt's wearing a blue suit. SERIOUSLY, COULD SHE BE PREGNANT?

9.03: Brianna, Jacob, Werewolf and the rest of the gang come back on stage to show us exactly we why voted them out WEEKS AGO. Luckily the fireworks are there to drown them out. They're doing Lionel Richie's All Night Long - another appropriate song choice, as that's the approximate running length of tonight's show.

9.08: OH MY GOD IT'S BLOODY LIONEL RICHIE! This must be a high point of his career, performing alongside Brianna Carpenter.

9.17: More flashbacks. I don't know what of, I'm too lost in my own flashback, back to an hour and a half ago when I was enthusiastic, full of beans, awake...

9.21: Ok, so they've cut the Divinyls off half way through, they've had rollerbladers with third degree burns and they've had Lionel Richie - I really don't see how they can spin this out for a whole other hour.

9.22: Oh. With interpretive dance.

9.23: Thank GOD Natalie got changed!

9.24: Hang on, is that a fur bolero? Sigh.

9.25: Matt has obviously been caught napping through all those boring flashbacks and has had to dash on stage with only a moment's notice, as he appears to have arrived on stage wrapped only in his bedclothes. If only Matt slept naked. Sigh.

9.26: And so commences the dodgiest Idol final 12 medley in the history of medleys. Come to think of it, has a medley EVER been good, in the history of medleys? Actually, yes.


9.27: Oh dear. The Beach Boys + Smash Mouth + M People + Fatboy Slim = WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME, JUST MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ALREADY FOR F*CK'S SAKE.

9.28: "Who do you think you are? Stop acting like some kind of staa-aaar!" sings Brianna. Truer words were never sung. Actually, THOSE words were never sung either, given that they were delivered by Brianna. It's a bit like this:


9.37: The eternal mystery of why it is so difficult to dress Natalie Gauci in a decent outfit continues, as she rocks on stage in a tight, white evening gown straight from the budget rack at Gilly and Graham's Bridal Barn.

9.42: The cutest grandparents in the world, Corrado and Pasqualina, give their best wishes to Natalie. This segment contains the phrase "We see you in the TV tonight, we wish you win." I secretly hope that Corrado and Pasqualina win the competition instead.

9.47: La Gauci puts on a performance of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror. If only she'd listened to that man a bit more instead of Sheridan Tyler, we'd all be listening intently instead of shielding our eyes from the fashion abomination she's currently traipsing around in.

9.55: Not one to be outdone in the stupid fashion stakes, Matt Corby turns up in a pair of spray on maroon velveteen pants that make him look like he's been out ridin' steeds for the past 48 hours. Riding something, at any rate. "I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS!" yells Monkey Boy for no apparent reason. Perhaps he was talking to Sheridan.

9.56: Another flashback, and... Oh. Yay.


10.02: One of Matt's friends is selling his old monkey patterned pyjamas on Ebay for charity. "Remember when you wore these, Matty?" she laughs. "He wore those last week," guffaws Raoul.

10.04: Matt sings Bittersweet Symphony Ben McKenzie style. What, no Immigrant Song?

10.12: "We have a winner," announces Monkey Boy. Oh GOODY, because it's only taken THREE FUCKING HOURS. They called Bennelong earlier than this.

10.14: ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP PERFORMANCE. WHY DON'T THEY JUST GIVE US ALL THE FINGER WHILE SINGING "SCREW YOU, AUSTRALIA" HUH? HUH?

10.15: I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? It's some disgusting $19.95 patterned top from Deborah Kay, or Kath & Kim's costume department. Are we allowed to have an Idol who clearly can't dress herself? Is that against the rules? Although I guess that would rule out both contenders, so we'd better just go with it...

10.16: One of the Idols is about to win a car. "I hope it's Jacob so he can FUCK OFF," screams Raoul. It's Holly. Oh well, at least she can drive back to Mildura, and obscurity, in it.

10.22: ARE WE THERE YET? We must be nearing the end, Natalie's made her final horrific costume change, this time into a very unforgiving red satin sheath and choker circa 1992, plus a pair of elbow-length black leather gloves. Um, what? Yes, that's right.


Pic source: The Age


Matt, on the other hand, has clearly borrowed his outfit for the evening: The suit from Carl Risely and the shoes from Natalie. If he clicks his heels three times he'll go home to Oyster Bay.

10.23: And the winner is... NATALIE GAUCI! Cue screaming, wailing, dancing in the aisles and people throwing themselves into the Harbour.

10.24: "I'm so happy for Nat," says Matt. "She's awesome, she's just gonna blow everyone.


Away."

10.25: Really, WHO told her to put those gloves on? She looks like a diamond thief. Well that explains her earlier outfit, then.

10.27: Here I Am. Here She Is. Here I Go - to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

10.29: Fireworks, explosions, power notes and five thousand tonnes of confetti conclude the proceedings. Fortunately Nat has her industrial gloves on so she can help with the clean up.

10.30: Goodnight Australia. It's been fun. Next time I decide to ruin my sleep, health and social life by blogging a TV show, I do hope you'll join me.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

20 minutes in to the Australian Idol Grand Finale: A snapshot

PETSTARR: I said won't you turn me loose, WOO! TURN ME LOOSE! Wow, those Young Divas would be great for a wedding.

RAOUL DUKE: Mmm. I am pretending to be interested.

PETSTARR: *checking tv guide on computer* Er, honey... You know this goes for three hours...?

RAOUL DUKE: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?

PETSTARR: Er, no. It finishes at 10.30.

RAOUL DUKE: What the HELL? Why don't they just GET ON WITH IT? This is RIDICULOUS. SERIOUSLY. Three HOURS? etc. etc. etc.


I'll have the wrap up done Monday, kids.

If you're looking for a tip - it's a TOUGH CALL, but I think our favourite might fall at the last hurdle, so my money's on Natalie.

Or maybe Maxine McCue will turn up and surprise us all.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Current Affair, the butt of the joke again

So I just finished watching an EXTREMELY SHOCKING report that EVERY PARENT SHOULD SEE on that bastion of journalistic integrity, A Current Affair, and thought it deserved a mention here.

If you can be bothered, you can watch the report here:

Computer game outrage
Computer game outrage


But basically the gist of it is this:

  • Young boy goes to school.


  • Young boy's mate shows him a slightly rude Flash game on the internet in the computer labs at lunch.


  • Both boys think they, and it, are mutually hilarious.


  • Boy goes home, gets on internet, plays hilarious game again.


  • Boy's mother freaks the fuck out, calls A Current Affair.


Of course there's much gnashing of teeth and hysterical cries of "CHILD PORNOGRAPHY" and "OUR YOUNG MINDS ARE BEING CORRUPTED" and "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN AT A SCHOOL?" etc. etc. and calls to hang the Principal up by the bollocks and all that sort of thing.

So what exactly is this X RATED GAME that's caused such an uproar to warrant a five minute report on national television?

Well, it's called Butt Hunter, and it's a cartoonish shoot-em-up game in which you roam a forest shooting naked men hiding in the bushes (which, strangely enough, is an activity most ACA watchers would usually support). Obviously this already sounds SERIOUS enough, but wait: If you miss one, and they catch you, they give you a good old rogering, cartoon style.

Not convinced? SEE THE HORROR FOR YOURSELF HERE.

My favourite part of the ACA "report" was when they showed a blurred-out screen grab from the game, and said ominously: "The animation of this CRIMINAL ACT is SO SICKENINGLY GRAPHIC we could never show you in this story. The main objective? PREYING ON LITTLE BOYS."

Fortunately here in the BC I'm not bound by such censorship, and I CAN show you:


Actual size.


What's that? Whaddya MEAN you coudn't see the X RATED, FULLY HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHIC ACTION? Try this:


Pixelated porno.


Onya ACA. Even with the advantages of full colour and fluid movement this game is about as sexually explicit as Leisure Suit Larry.

Wait until some schoolkid logs on to Two Girls One Cup, ACA will dedicate their entire show to it. We hope.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Final Two

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod.

We are like, SO down to the final two, and HOW FRICKIN' EXCITED ARE WE?


STOKED.


As Christopher Lambert once famously said: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, so tonight it's up to either Matt or Natalie to get out their broadsword and hack the other's head off. Or you know, just outsing them or something.

They're certainly dressed for a fight - Nat's sporting some fetching bondage gear while Matt's already loosened his tie. GAME ON, MOLLS. Forget Gladiators, THIS will be the deathmatch to end all deathmatches. Let's have a look at our final two, shall we?




As you can see, there's barely anything in it. Christ, there are more points of difference between Rudd and Howard right now.

Back to the show: Monkey Boy informs us that there'll be no judging tonight as they're "Going to leave it up to the people to decide".


Still, it's lucky the judges have turned up anyway, as everyone wants to have a go at Dicko for some comment he made in the newspaper about the winner's single being a pile of crap. I haven't read the article and I haven't heard the song, but stuff it: I'M WITH DICKO. Let's face it: Odds are that it will be crap, and even if it isn't it probably will be after we're all forced to listen to it on every Channel 10 promo over and over again for the next six months.

Then there's a big video package detailing Matt and Natalie's "journeys" up to this point, which in both cases has consisted of one flight to Sydney. So don't expect too many frequent flyer points on that one. There's also some footage of Matt's parents explaining they knew he was destined to be a star when they saw him rocking back and forth next to the television when he was two. ROCKING. BACK AND FORTH. THAT IS STAR QUALITY RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE.

It's clear there's going to be a lot of flashbackery this episode, so let's take a look at some of the BC's favourite Idol moments this year:

  • "It must make you proud to have everyone in this room do this to you while your mum's watching." - Ken Doll to Tarisai about her touchdown on Britpop night.


  • "If you call Tarisai Tiramisu one more time I'm going to punch you in the throat." - Monkey Boy to Holden.


  • Jacob Butler singing Oasis at every opportunity EXCEPT for on Britpop night, where, of course, it would have been highly inappropriate.


  • Carl Risely attempting a swing version of that #1 pop classic, Waltzing Matilda.


  • Anything ever sung by Brianna Carpenter.


  • Brianna Carpenter admitting to being totally deaf in one ear. Australia slapping its collective forehead in sudden understanding.


  • Scarves. Tight black jeans. Scarves. Stupid hair. Scarves.


  • And of course, the infamous Rock Night


There are SO many more but there's no time for that now - THE DEATHMATCH HAS BEGUN!

Matt's first up and he's launching straight into the winner's single that Dicko is so enamoured of, Here I Am. Wow. Catchy title. They could have gone with Here I Are or Here You Am, but I think the final decision was the right one.

It's a very boy-friendly single, all about "now I've found a place to land" and "I've waited all my life" and "blah blah blah yooooooou" - sorry I couldn't get all the lyrics down, they were extremely complex and besides, I was distracted for most of the song by Matt's teeth, which are exceptionally straight and white. This is obviously the reason the poor boy was forced to wear tea towels for half the season - he spent all his money on orthodontics. Poor lad.

And the judges say... NOTHING. Because they're not allowed to. But let's just imagine they did anyway: Holden says "YOWZA!", Dicko says "Collywobbles!", Marcia says "Mmm-hmm!" and Kyle says "Not lame."

Moving on to Natalie Gauci's video package, in which her parents say something like "Natalie always used to say she's be famous one day, blah blah blah, she's always been a star in our family, yada yada yada, she always stood on pianos at home, etc. etc. etc." Honestly, one day I would just love to hear some Idol's parents go "Nah, she never had that much interest in music, she actually really wanted to be an accountant. We can't understand why she's even bothering with this show."

Anyway, on with the show. Natalie's decided to perform some obscure Timbaland song called Apologise, which is quite appropriate as she really SHOULD be sorry for that awful outfit she's in: A black vinyl mini dress with a shiny red belt and black leather gloves. She looks like a pantomime cat burglar caught mid-crime. Couple this fashion craziness with the psychedelic camerawork that places three close-up shots of her face on screen at the same time, and you've got one surefire recipe for FREAKING ME OUT. I imagine she sang the song rather well, but honestly, who would know? During the few moments in which I'm not distracted by her crazy gloves, I'm blinded by the light reflecting off of Matt Corby's teeth backstage. Seriously - they could just hang a mirrorball in front of that guy's face and Channel 10 would save hundreds on lighting bills.

Speaking of mirrorball Matt, he appears to actually be wearing one around his neck for his second performance. The undone silver sequinned bow tie is very "Studio 54 Morning After" - I approve. He's chosen to do Radiohead's High and Dry as done by Jamie Cullum. So what, that's like Radiohead to the power of 3? Or negative 6? Whatever - I bet Carl's jealous Matt got to stick around and do a jazzy interpretation number as his final performance. Somewhere, Carl turns up his Great Anthems of the World - SWING STYLE! CD to mask the sound of his weeping.

NEXT! It's La Gauci again, with a surefire suicide call: Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. IS SHE MAD? Not even Kate Bush can make that song sound good. No, seriously, this is ridiculous. NO ONE CAN SING THIS SONG. I know, I tried it on Singstar last weekend and almost melted my own vocal chords.

Her performance is not helped by another seriously dodgy dominatrix outfit - a black leather jacket that Sheridan Tyler has attacked with a Bedazzler and black lycra leggings with the biggest crotch you've ever seen. But shit, the girl is doing Kate Bush. And she's actually rocking it. This is good. THIS IS GREAT. It's a damn shame there's no piano for her to stand on as a grand finale, but nevertheless, it's a hot performance.

After the adbreak (in which Channel 10 pretends that bringing Friends back to TV is the really exciting, bold move we've all been waiting for rather than just a cynical move to resurrect a show everyone's seen a million times on Foxtel already in a pathetic attempt to engender loyalty in its Gen X audience) it's time for Matt Corby's third song. Which is Wolfmother's Mind's Eye. The only thing I remember about this is Matt's ridiculous "glasses" print T shirt, which is the last thing I saw before I threw my half eaten dinner at my television and stalked out of the room in disgust, muttering something about "Led Zeppelin" and "White Stripes" and "rip offs".

It's about this time that I realise Matt Corby looks a lot like supermodel Miranda Kerr.


So, which one is going out with Orlando Bloom then?


NEXT! La Gauci is back, and this time she's singing the winner's single, Here I Am. So here she is. Or there she is. Whatever.

Clearly Sheridan Tyler has it in for her tonight, as her third outfit is even worse than the first two. A bright red satin sheath that's as unforgiving as ... well, something really unforgiving. Like an anti Jesus. This dress shows every bump - not just the good ones. NATALIE MY LOVE, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS PRETEND TO BE CHUNKY? We know you're not, so stop it.

And so concludes the snooze fest. BUT HOWEVER WILL WE CHOOSE? I hear you scream.

Look, when it comes down to it, the final two are like a Gillette razor: They're essentially exactly the same products, it's just that one looks girlier. And I'm not talking about Natalie.

Good luck, my darling Idolites. May the best girl win.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Final Two - DELAYED!

Hey peeps - sorry to do this to you but you'll have to wait a little longer than usual for your Idol recap this week. I'm not going to give a reason, cos that's how I roll, but you can expect a brand new wrap up some time on Monday evening (I'll guesstimate about 8pm CST).

And remember: your vote is a valuable thing. Make it count.

(What, there's TWO elections on this weekend?)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Audience Choice Night RESULTS

What a RIPPER of a show tonight was, ladies and gentlemen! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Being the totally impartial commentator that I am (go Matt) I can safely say I was barracking for all three finalists (it's in the bag, Corby) evenly. (Matt! Woo!)

Speaking of Matt, a work colleague of mine apparently spent the weekend musing on what Matt would look like if he was 20% Holden. Or, perhaps more accurately, what the Idol-spawn of Matt and Holden would turn out like. Apparently, this is it.


Bizarre social experiment, or hot? You decide.


Perhaps you need to watch that otter film again now.


Ok this is the second to last BIG ANNOUNCEMENT so let's not dick around here. Let's cut straight to the chase with QUICKNEWS:

  • Ken Doll tries to outdo Matt Corby in the ridiculous hair stakes by sporting a dirty great porn 'stache and scaring off half of the 12-24 female demographic.


  • Delta Goodrem rocks up to promote her new single, turns up looking like Shakira crossed with a giant poodle. In a muu-muu.


    Pardon?


    I mean, I know everyone says Delta would look good in a potato sack, but did she have to take them literally? While she wails at her piano (and I wail on the couch) a lost rock and roll eisteddfod troupe shuffles awkwardly behind her. "GOD THIS IS INTERMINABLE!" I yell, just as it finishes. Thank God for that.



  • Holden gives everyone a Blair Witch style backstage tour, which seems to focus rather heavily on plates of old chops and snags (so THAT'S where Carl's vocal chops got to)


  • Marcia raids Delta's wardrobe, dons a matronly purple dress to sing a nasally version of REM's Everybody Hurts. For the first time, the lyrics make sense. The three remaining Idols try to look interested from the sidelines, which results in Natalie Gauci looking more than slightly awkward. My mother informs me her dress is actually in a shade known as "menopause blue". You learn something new every day. And sometimes things you didn't want to.


And then it comes to results time, and Matt, Natalie and Carl are ALL IN THE BOTTOM THREE. OH MY GOD. THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.

Natalie is the first to be sent back to the couch. Damn, there goes my tip. Speaking of tips - since when has she had a nose stud? Have I missed this small detail for the entire series, or is she just feeling reckless enough to wear it for the first time tonight? Makes a change from the ginormous earrings.

"I can't believe this is happening!" she squeals. To be honest neither can I, after last night's performance.

So it's down to Matt and Carl. I think we all know what's going to happen here. But just in case you're wondering who the favourite is, the judges are here to remind you.

"Surely Matt can't go, SURELY?" shrieks Dicko.

"We just can't imagine that MATT would go," sobs Marcia.

"This is STRESSIN' ME OUT!" yells Holden.

"My whole family loves Carl," says Kyle, finally adding a bit of balance to the discussion.

"But to me, Matt is the bomb."

Ah. Oh well.

Meanwhile poor unwanted loser reject Carl who no one likes is desperately fighting back tears as those bastards Ken Doll and Monkey Boy throw to another ad break. Will he make it through another adbreak? Will WE?

As it turns out, we don't have to, as here in Adelaide Telstra has kindly decided to broadcast a commercial that ruins the entire surprise.

"WANT TO GO TO THE OPERA HOUSE FOR THE LIVE IDOL FINALE?" it screams, while flashing up photos and the names MATT .... NATALIE.

THANKS A FUCKING LOT, TELSTRA. We're not ALL on Eastern Standard Time you know, you bastards. Way to ruin the moment. I can only hope they do that for the grand finale as well, and really ruin the whole series for me.

So we get back from the adbreak and who cares anymore - the real winner of the night is Telstra. Carl is obviously given the boot, which we already know because TELSTRA TOLD US FIVE MINUTES AGO. He looks supremely depressed, which is the perfect mood for him to be in to sing us whatever song it was that he sang last night that people obviously didn't like enough to vote for him. Depression all round, including in camp Corby where it's raining tears.

Kyle wraps up the show with an insult to diggers everywhere by playing the last post on Carl's trumpet (so to speak), before saying "We'll miss you mate, we'll miss you so much". But Matt's THE BOMB, right Kyle?

And so we say farewell to Carl, the Trumpet Crumpet, and hello to a FULL ON, HARDCORE GAUCI V CORBY FINAL. Who will win the crown, and who will be destined to spend the rest of their on-screen career spuriking Clinkers? Only time will tell...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Audience Choice Night

Well we're on the home stretch now, kids! Nine down and three to go, and what better way to whittle the Idols down even further than with "Audience Choice Night", otherwise known as "Stalker Fans From Nowhere Fuck Up Everyone's Chances of Getting to the Opera House Night".

It's also clearly fancy dress night again, with Ken Doll and Monkey Boy coming as Mr White and Mr Red from Reservoir Dogs. Dicko has also joined in the fun by pulling another Achy Breaky shirt out of his seemingly endless collection of Billy Ray Cyrus themed attire.


Dicko sucks up to America again.


Tonight each of our remaining Idols has had a song chosen for them by a random fan from nowhere. Somehow it seems slightly unfair that a complete stranger who may or may not have any musical taste whatsoever should get to decide their favourite Idol's fate simply because they sent in 20 Pascall's wrappers or whatever it is they had to do. Then again it does make things so much more exciting, doesn't it! I sort of wish I'd entered now, so I could have made Matt Corby sing this:


And so we meet Chris the male nurse from Townsville, who clearly hates Natalie Gauci's guts as he's chosen Madonna's Ray of Light for her to sing.

Look - before we get into this, I should probably just state at the outset that the whole thing is a debacle. I mean really, it's a serious, SERIOUS dog's breakfast of the highest order. It's an absolute arse of a performance. I was going to link to the video for those of you who may have missed it, but on reflection I think it's probably better if you just watch this instead and go to your happy place.


Right, now that we're all relaxed and in happy otters-ville, let's take a look at Nat's performance.

Dressed in jeans and a zipper-front jumper, she looks like she's just gotten home from uni and is about to decide between chicken or beef Maggi noodles for dinner. As you may have guessed, it's a far from glamorous look. But all that is eclipsed when she starts singing. Screeching, actually.

"And I FEEEEEEEEEEEL like I just got home, and I FEEEEEEEEEELOOOOHHHHAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYY!!!!!" she shrieks. The CEOs of the earplug companies that went out of business when Tarisai was voted off start dancing for joy and posting out their latest catalogues.

"Fuck, I just saw that dangly thing at the back of her throat," says my shocked Idol sidecar Raoul Duke.

Dear Chris from Townsville: Thanks a lot, loser. Regards, Natalie Gauci's former fans.

Holden makes the most obvious call he can, saying Natalie is a ray of light who has improved at the speed of light. Then he cracks a light beer and lights up a cigarette while spreading light Philadelphia on a light bulb. Then he says the song was "a half step too high" - pity she didn't bring along that ladder she used to climb on the piano the other week. Dicko brands her performance a bit dull, complains that she's reverted to being mundane and suburban, and then describes her as an "energy saving ray of light". So at least she's good for the environment. Kyle labels it a disaster that was way too high and "Probably the worst thing I've seen you do", while Marcia says a cryptic "Everything I spoke to you about you did". We can only assume then that Marcia told Natalie to awkwardly shriek off key for three minutes in a really boring outfit.

Moving on to Carl Risely, aka the Trumpet Crumpet, who is being forced to do James Morrisson's You Give Me Something by someone called Casey.

"It'll be interesting to see him sing something a bit different," she says before assigning Carl a cruisy, jazzy, romantic ballad to sing.

Carl rocks on stage in a white shirt with a big black panel on the front, which is oddly reminiscent of one of those 1980s tuxedo T shirts.

He cruises through the song without really trying too hard, singing off key for a bit before getting to the end, bouncing up and down and baring his teeth. It's like some kind of weird naval trumpeter mating ritual.

Dicko calls him Mr Entertainment and then says "collywobbles". I'm sure it was in context somehow but it's much funnier if we pretend he just randomly burst out with it. Holden brands Carl "really smart" - so watch out for the Channel 10 cross promotion when Carl stars on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. And PS Rove, it's YEAR FUCKING FIVE, not "5th Grade". I know you want to be Conan O'Brien but do you have to turn the rest of us American as well? Kyle tells Carl he's always of a "constant standard" and you know what you're going to get with him.

"Yeah, it's like putting a turd in a plastic bag," shrieks Raoul from the couch. I have no idea what this means.

"Australia, if you could get Matt Corby to sing whatever song you wanted, what would it be?" asks Ken Doll.

Hmm, what's the song that goes "My phone number is oh-four ohhhhh-woahhhhh one one..." ? There isn't one? Damn.

Some bird called Linda from Perth has chosen Matt's song this week, and she's picked Evermore's Too Late. Hmm. Not a bad choice, really.

Despite pulling a bit of a Ben Mackenzie on the vocals (remember him? I'm sure he wouldn't actually mind being pulled by Matt Corby), he sounds quite poppy and good. You could imagine him being somewhere in the Top 40 charts.

Clearly he's been taking didgeridoo or scuba diving lessons, as he seems to have perfected the technique of breathing out and in at the same time - he uses this to great effect in this performance by holding on to the end note of every line until the audience passes out from boredom.

"Ride onnnnnnnnn, ride 'til early morning sunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, it's too laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate..."

For about the seventh week in a row he's wearing those skin tight black jeans, which makes me think the poor buger is actually physically unable to take them off. They're clearly so damn tight they need to be surgically removed, and what with all the rehearsals and hanging out with sick kids and the hours he has to spend doing his hair every day, he just hasn't had time to get to the doctor. Poor guy. Maybe they could donate a portion of the funds raised through audience votes towards a "Get Matt out of his jeans fund" - I'm sure there'd be many people happy to donate to that.

Marcia enters herself in the "Most frequent use of the word 'incredibly' awards" by saying Matt's performance was "Incredibly good and incredibly exciting and incredibly well sung". Kyle declares Matt the best on the show, while Holden announces it was Matt's birthday this week and he's 17 now. FINALLY the boy is legal. The crowd launches into a spontaneous rendition of Happy Birthday, which actually sounds better than Natalie Gauci's performance. Dicko concludes the pat on the back festival by saying it was a perfect song.

DING! DING! Round two. Natalie's back to pick up the pieces of her shattered Idol career with Pink's Nobody Knows. How true that is - I don't know this song from shit.

But first we get to see a video of the photo shoot for Natalie's potential album cover. She looks pretty amazing, bless her.

"Her eyes, God, they just tear your head off," enthuses the photographer. The Idol confidence coaches might want to work on that - I can see it being a potential problem at concerts.

"Just thinking my face could be on an album, wow!" squeals Natalie. Don't worry dear, after tonight's performance there's no fear of that happening.

Back on stage and Nat's tried a bit harder with her second outfit of tight black pants, white shirt and black leather vest - even if she has just done a clotheswap with Matt Corby. Still, after her first fiasco we needed a showstopper song and this really isn't it.

"Nobody knows, nobody cares," she sings. Truer words were never spoken.

Kyle declares it "much, much better", despite her wearing "chicken looking shoes". I concur that the shoes are totally tragic, but I'm not sure where the chicken reference comes in. Even if chickens wore shoes, they'd steer clear of fashion abominations like these. Holden calls it "a cracking performance", as opposed to a crack whore performance. Dicko says she really pulled a rabbit out of her jacksy. I must have missed that bit. And just quietly, I think that on a family show "hat" might have been a more appropriate word to use there. She pulled a HAT out of her jacksy. Jeez, Dicko.

Moving back to Carl again, who has joined in the dress up party and come as Jacob Butler.


Everyone wants to be just like Jacob.


He's chosen to do Stevie Wonder's For Once in My Life - normally that means I'd put the Stevie Wonder count up by one, but I'm blogging from Raoul's place tonight and I don't have the image file on me. So you'll just have to imagine it.

As with Natalie we get to see a short video on "the making of" Carl's potential bin liner album cover, in which it is revealed that he is overly sensitive to light. It's all the photographer can do to get a shot where he's not squinting, shielding his eyes, or cowering in the corner screaming "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" Is Carl a vampire? Who cares, let's start that rumour anyway.

Of course there are the ubiquitous photos of Carl farting about with his trumpet, including one rather fetching shot of him in a yellow trenchcoat haning around Sydney Harbour. Not sure if they were intentionally going for the "dirty old perve" look there but they succeeded, so well done.

"Carl Risely Blows, that should be the title of his album," quips Raoul.

As it turns out, that would be quite an appropriate title - this is a very weak performance that's barely half a step up from karaoke.

"For once in my life I have someone who neeeds.... who neeeeeeds..." he sings.

"Singing lessons," finishes Raoul.

Holden tells Carl his vocal chops are not where he wants them to be, which is on the Idol backstage bbq where they belong. Dicko says "tonight is do or die" for about the five millionth time this evening, before saying he expected more from all the Idols tonight. "For someone who’s on E, you were going through the motions, I’m afraid," he says. Pardon? Carl is on E and he's still lacking energy? Maybe he should switch to Bindeez. Kyle tells him he needs to learn some Justin Timberlake dance moves, at which point Carl promptly spins around, almost falls over, and ultimately demonstrates why that's actually a really bad idea.

Finally we get to our last performance for the evening, Matt Corby with The Beatles' Across the Universe, a song that everyone across the universe is thoroughly sick of.

But first, the photo shoot. The photographer mentions how he's trying to capture Matt's "fashion sense", while SONY BMG reps stand in the background wailing "Nooooooooooooooo!" Sadly the Lego shirt does not make a reappearance, although we do get to see footage of Matt getting undressed in the back of a car. Come to think of it, THAT should really be the album cover.

They clearly haven't been able to get a locum out to remove those black jeans during the adbreak as he's still in them, plus a black shirt and black fedora. He looks like a funky cat burglar. He sits on a stool to deliver this high energy, showstopper song. It sounds quite nice but djka%^&$6tdf5d6w567&^%. Whoops, sorry! I think my head hit the keyboard there. It's ok, I'm awake now.

Dicko says Matt's gone from a member of the Bolshoi ballet to a Peter Doherty tribute band in one evening. Still not as good as our magician Natalie, who can apparently pull small forest animals out of her nether regions. Then he tells Matt to make sure he can walk before he runs - although in those jeans it's doubtful he could do either. Marcia says he's "bulletproof" - Christ, he can sing, he's good looking, and now he's a superhero too. Is there anything this kid can't do? Kyle labels him a "straighty 180" and basically outs him as a virgin on national TV. Guess all those after show orgies backstage weren't as spicy as we thought they were. Then he says Matt is the "best we've got" - so everyone else can basically get fucked.

Well there you have it kids, our final three. What an exciting bunch. Marcia, how would you sum up the situation?

"You are the top three."

Well said.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Swing Night RESULTS

I was planning to sneakily skip writing about Monday night's results show, as I (believe it or not) didn't watch it. Such was my confidence in Marty being voted off that I decided to forego my Monday night Idol ritual in favour of attending the premiere of the new Elizabeth film with Cate Blanchett. Ok, I didn't GO with Cate Blanchett, I meant... never mind.

In any case, my summary of the film is thus: There is but one good reason to see it.


And yea verrily, the reason is Clive.


However it seems that you lot have been coming here in droves expecting to read a Monday night wrap up, so I've had a look at the videos on the Idol website and I must say - I'm a bit miffed I missed what appears to have been a cracker of an episode. I actually laughed out loud at least five times watching the video playback. Typical.

Anyway, in QUICKNEWS format:

  • Kyle proves Marcia and Holden aren't the only judges who can't sing by having a crack at Just a Gigolo. Resident cowboy Dicko strengthens his resolve to do Achy Breaky Heart next week.


  • Actually, if i'm being honest, Kyle was probably better than half of the top 24.


  • He was at least better than Brianna Carpenter.


  • There's an extended debate about Matt Corby's alien Elvis/Hasidic Jew hairstyle, in which Dicko declares Matt to look like his aunty Brenda, and Dicko's daughter Edie declares Dicko to be jealous, which leads to this hilarious bit of Photoshopping:


    So hot right now.


  • The Idols visit some school somewhere, and predictably enough sing Robbie & Kylie's Kids, despite several of them still actually being in school themselves.


  • There's a tragic group performance of I Saw Her Standing There - SWING STYLE! Cos you can never have enough swing. Actually yes, yes you can. And we have. So has Marty it seems, who barely makes it through the one line he has to sing.


  • There's a particularly weird moment when Natalie spontaneously changes the lyrics to "And my heart went boom when I saw that room" - is IKEA sponsoring this bit then?


  • Carl and Marty hit the bottom two, OH MY GOD, NOT ON SWING NIGHT, NOT CARL! But not to worry, it's Marty's time to get the boot. AND NOT BEFORE TIME EITHER.


  • Everyone looks shocked - SHOCKED THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN WEEKS AGO.


  • Everyone looks sad - SAD WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM SING LIGHT MY FIRE AGAIN.


And there you have it kids. Aggro Q. Eyebrows is gone - who will be next on the chopping block? Most are calling a Mattalie final, but I wouldn't quite discount Mr Schwing yet...

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Swing Night

So here we are - eight down and four to go, and it's already time for "Swing Night".


Oooh, kinky!


No, not SWINGERS night - that's what happens every Sunday at 9pm at Holden's house. I said SWING night, otherwise known as "Jazz night", the "Free kick to Carl Risely night" or the "Anyone with a half decent voice can sing this shit night".

It's also traditionally the night that all the boys get dressed up in Oceans 11 style suits and pretend to be George Clooney for an hour - Holden has obliged by throwing on his renta-tux from the ARIAs (might as well get your money's worth, right?) and flipping up his shirt collar to give it a modern, youthful edge (and to prove that he tied a REAL tie, not one of those cheater's elastic ones).

Meanwhile, Dicko has intelligently decided that the most appropriate outfit for an evening celebrating jazz and swing music is a wild west cowboy shirt with two giant arrows demonstrating the position of his nipples. Maybe it IS swingers' night...

"I frigging hate big band," spews Kyle.

"It's probably a good night for Carl, but we don't need it, it's a waste of time."

Hear, bloody hear. We're down to the final four now, we want to see some BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS, not Buble, swing and jazz.

Speaking of Buble, first up is Carl "Boogie woogie Buble boy" Risely with a rendition of Me and Mrs Jones. Or actually, the Michael Buble version of Me and Mrs Jones. Michael Buble? What a grand idea! Why hasn't Carl done more songs by him this series?

Carl rocks up on stage with his shirt open and his tie undone - jeez Carl, why don't you make yourself at home? It's his best George-Clooney-in-Ocean's-11-post-several-martinis look. Or actually, his best Mark-Holden-at-the-ARIAs-post-several-ginger-beers look. Sadly the four inches of neck flesh he's showing is the most exciting part of this performance, which is more big BLAND than big BAND. Still, while it's as boring as Buble on valium, it's still a fairly solid performance. And talk about surprising - who knew Carl could sing jazz? Apparently he can play the trumpet too! So many hidden talents, he should really capitalise on this stuff.

Holden says a lot of ladies got off on his lyric. And he should know all about that, after all, he once sizzled all the ladies' shemizzles with those sexy lyrics about a white sport coat and a red carnation. Dicko says he was concerned about Carl doing a ballad, but he didn't drop a banana skin and fall on his face, so it was awesome. Mm I agree - that bit of choreography just would NOT have worked. Kyle says it was really romantic and he's with Dicko.


Yep,it seems I was right the first time.


Moving on to Marty "My eyebrows have more stage presence than I do" Simpson, who admits he's never heard of big band before or listened to any big band songs. As it turns out, big band, along with much of the rest of the country, has never heard of Marty before either, so the disregard is mutual.

"You're going to see me swing as much as I can," says Marty , which doesn't do much to fill anyone with confidence. Particularly when he announces he's singing Dave Matthews Band's American Baby.

Apart from the fact that I absolutely detest Dave Matthews Band with every fibre of my being, it's actually not a terrible performance. Its connection to big band and swing is about as tenuous as Britney Spears' connection to good taste, but it's alright.

Dicko does a grand impression of Waldorf from The Muppet Show by calling Marty a fish out of water, then saying he didn't expect him to excel, and it was bizarrely uncomforable to watch, and he thought it would fall apart but it never did and it was strangely engaging, and actually he really loved it. Marcia is less enthusiastic with a resoundingly positive "At least you're trying", while Kyle comes straight out and brands the whole performance "ridiculous".

"I don't know why you just didn't sing 'doo bee doo bee doo'," says Holden, making about as much sense as usual.

Although come to think of it, that actually WOULD have been more entertaining.

On to Matt "Check my new haircut" Corby, who has dressed up as an alien Elvis to deliver Carl Risely's Michael Buble's version of How Sweet It Is.

His 1950s style metallic jacket, skinny tie and Elvis hairdo are so bizarre they're even enough to distract me from playing "pin the nipple on Dicko" for a few minutes.

"I wanna stop... and get a haircut..." sings my Idol sidecar Raoul Duke.

One GOOD point about the strange hairdo - and my inner nanna is coming out when I say this - it's finally got that bloody awful fringe out of his face. GOODNESS he looks a damn sight better without all that HAIR in his face. Now I've got that out of system I'll have another shortbread biscuit and plough on.

Marcia's inner nanna clearly agrees with me, as she yells "That's what I'm talkin' 'BOUT!" Kyle demands to know what happened to Matt's "lego hair". No one demands to know what happened to Matt's "lego shirt".


Holden steals my joke by saying Matt looks like a hasidic Elvis, forcing me to say Matt looks like an alien Elvis, and thousands of young schoolgirls to wonder how Holden knows what Matt's pH level is in the first place.

Our final performer for the evening is Natalie "I'm gonna win this thing, you see if I don't" Gauci with Natalie Cole's version of Orange Coloured Sky.

Once again she's smiley and charming and gorgeous, although she unfortunately happens to have been poured into a dress that someone has fashioned from a deconstructed bee costume.

"Crazh! Bam! Alacazam!" she trills, punching her first triumphantly into the air.

Er... Natalie, I've got just two words for you.


Julia Roberts.


Ok so maybe it wasn't THAT bad. But seriously, forget Head and Shoulders. Idol needs to do a contra deal with Gilette.

Dr Kyle gets out his stethoscope and diagnoses Natalie as suffering from "Clothesorexia". Ten bucks says you see this word on the cover of the next Cosmo/Marie Claire/Madison. Then he brands the outfit "disgusting". A bit harsh, but maybe he's got something against bees. Holden does the obvious by yelling "Wham bam, thank you ma'am!" while Dicko labels her "playful, naughty, and very, very sexy". Then he mentions 24 carrots, which is possibly all Natalie has eaten this week in order to squeeze into this bee outfit.

Back to square one - that's right, they're each doing TWO performances this week. Yes, TWO lots of swing for each Idol. That's EIGHT whole doses of swing in the one hour. Nursing homes around the country must be in overdrive right now.

Carl's reached into his ever decreasing bag of unsurprising tricks and pulled out a Harry Connick Jr song, Just Kiss Me. We all wait for the inevitable announcement that it will be the Michel Buble version, but sadly it seems Carl's opted to do the original. OH MY GOD, HOW WILL AUSTRALIA COPE?

Not well, it seems - this is a mess. It's so fast, and there are so many lyrics, it's like being lectured by an overly musical ice addict.

The brass bangs its way into our brains as Carl starts slurring "Rrrrrippit! Rippit!" Ribbit? What is this, a Kermit impression? I thought John Foreman was the only one who did that around here.

"Come onnn CARL!" yells the band, in a totally spontaneous bit of unscripted wackiness. Sigh. If Carl's going to pull this shit every week Idol's going to turn into Blanketty Blanks before we even get to the Opera House.

Holden calls him "Mr Entertainment", Dicko commends him on his hair, and Kyle slags off the band.

Let's move on to the next trainwreck, Marty Simpson, who's bought a one-way ticket to Crashandburnsville by electing to do The Doors' Light My Fire, swing style. This immediately takes everyone back to 1996 when it was mandatory to own at least one compilation CD titled something along the lines of Ultimate Lounge, Loungadelica, Loungeapalooza or Cocktail Shake-Up!, which featured "cool" 1960s hotel lobby versions of rock songs. It also takes everyone back to the beginning of this year's Idol finals, when it was mandatory for Carl Risely to take every possible theme night and turn it into swing night.

This performance is dire, there's no getting around it. It's terrible. Marty basically takes Jim Morrison's cold, dead corpse, chucks it in a martini glass and sticks a coloured umbrella in his ear. Needless to say it's not a great look. Speaking of looks, I do have to admit that Marty is getting rather more attractive every week. Sadly this seems to have had some odd mathematical effect on his singing ability - obviously his sexual appeal is inversely proportional to his ability to sing a song without sounding like a nob. Oh well, swings and roundabouts I guess.

Dicko enters the biggest understatement of the year award by saying Marty didn't really enter into the spirit of big band night, before nailing the performance right on the head with this piece of constructive criticism: "It was awkward, laboured and largely pointless."

"But having said that," says Marcia, experiencing a glitch in the Matrix and reverting to last week, when she also forgot that it was Dicko that said that, not her.

"You've made a new genre," says Kyle, neglecting to point out that the name of this new genre sounds a lot like "shite".

"That was like trying to light a fire with a wet match," says Holden, making the most sense he's made all night.

Matt Corby's up next, with Beyond the Sea. Well SOMEONE had to do it, I guess.

He's wearing braces over a white shirt, which is very Oceans 11. I approve. Although as Ken Doll points out later, they're completely useless, as his pants are tighter than Tarisai's jeans after washing day.

He seems to have gotten his mojo back from wherever it went last week, and he's showing off his charisma once again. Not to mention his new Barry White-esque lower register - since when has Matt Corby been able to sing that low? He should get extra points for pulling that off in those tight pants, too.

Marcia channels Destiny's Child circa Charlie's Angels and says "Question!" I have no idea what she said after that, I was too distracted by Matt's forehead, which is making its stunning debut this evening. Holden praises him for bringing his "own laid back style to the genre" - as opposed to the high energy punk style of Bobby Darin's original. Kyle says something, Dicko says something else, who cares, pop the rest of your heart medication love and let's sail on into the final performance by Natalie Gauci, with Ella Fitzgerald's How High the Moon.

Praise the lord, she's dropped the bee tuxedo dress in favour of an utterly fabulous red cocktail number, with a super tight bodice with a plunging neckline and a ruffled skirt. Red lips complete the look, which has VA VA VA VOOM written all over it. Yeeeow! I never thought I'd say this, but - SNAPS TO SHERIDAN TYLER.

"I didn't know she had breasts before," gasps Raoul, clearly smitten by the new Natalie. When she gets it right, the girl gets it right.

It's a superb performance, a perfect song for Natalie and she sounds a million dollars - she even scats in the middle, and it sounds fabulous. No, really. No, HONESTLY, the girl scats good. Where has this Natalie come from? I DON'T CARE, I LOVE HER.

Kyle says he gets a vibe from Natalie's dress that Christmas is coming, and he needs to put the presents under the tree. No one is sure whether he's giving her a compliment, or if he's genuinely just remembered that he needs to do his Christmas shopping. Holden picks his jaw up off the floor and starts yabbering about how Natalie moves through the beats, in front of them, behind them, on top of them UNDERNEATH THEM OH GOD YES! YES! YESSSSSSS! TOUCHDOWWWWWWN! Dicko finishes up by saying Natalie revealed her major star this evening - I blame the split in the front of the bee dress.

And so concludes another night of G rated family fun from our final four. Any final words from our judges?

Kyle: "I might be slightly bent."

Indeed. See you tomorrow night, kids - my money's on Marty to get the boot.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Pointless television shows #224: 'Friday Night Download'

"Hey boss, we need to do something about our Friday night program line-up. It's just not attracting that lucrative youth demographic anymore."

"Hmm, I suppose all the young people go out on Friday nights and play Twister or knucklebones, do they? Hmmm. Well, what do young people LIKE?"

"Twister? Knucklebones?"

"No no, we need something MODERN and EXCITING. Come on, think!"

"Erm... the internet?"

"GREAT IDEA! Take all the cool videos off the internet that everyone's seen a million times already because people keep forwarding them the same fucking emails at work, and patch them together into a show. Then get three totally inane people to host it and throw in some canned laughter. RIPPER! I'm off to play Twister."

And thus Friday Night Download was born.

Did it ever occur to Channel 10 that the only people sitting around at home at 7.30 on a Friday night are a) old people, who can't stand Fitzy's dreadful accent or Bree's hyper enthusiasm and who certainly don't give a shit about the internet, and b) nerds with no lives who spend all their time on the internet and thus have already seen all these videos anyway?

These are some of the HILARIOUS, WACKY, TOTALLY CRAZY internet vids they showed off on the first episode. Hands up who HASN'T yet seen:

  • The folding Bangkok market on the train tracks


  • The Dove viral campaign


  • The Dove viral campaign parody


  • That Japanese toilet training video


  • That guy catching his sunglasses on his face


  • Little Superstar


EXCUSE ME, BUT IF I WANTED TO SEE A VIDEO OF A BREAKDANCING INDIAN MIDGET I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN A TIME MACHINE AND GONE BACK TO BLAND CANYON A WHOLE FRICKIN YEAR AGO.


THEY HAVE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET NOW? Oh hang on, of course they do. Actually, some of those videos have been forwarded to me even more times than this fucking "surprised monkey" photo.


They even showed the Chris Crocker Britney Spears video - I mean COME ON! Even my grandpa's seen that one, and he still uses dialup.

It's likely this show is going to go gentle into that good night and no one will even notice, but I propose that if they're going to get axed, they might as well go out with a bang and show the video from two girls one cup dot com.*

*PetStarr recommends you never, under any circumstances, visit this site ever, ever, EVER. And if you must, CERTAINLY not at work. Or on a full stomach.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Aussie Hits Night RESULTS

Welcome to the Monday night pad-fest, kids!

All the Idols are looking a bit worse for wear after last night's ARIA awards, at which (if my mate Scootikins who was actually there is to be believed) Mr Marty Simpson got a bit tipsy. Ok, so he got shitfaced. Allegedly. I wonder if he started belting out "Thi-is night turned out nothing like I had plaaaaaaned" when he woke up in a dumpster under the Harbour Bridge.

Tonight appears to be fancy dress night in the Idol studio: Holden's come as a cowwboy, Marcia's dressed as a nun, Dicko's a private school boy at a boat race and Kyle... well, who's looking at Kyle? Let's just thank the lord Matt Corby has fended off Sheridan Tyler long enough to put something semi decent on. What is it? I don't know, who cares, all I know is it's NOT a nightie with lego men all over it.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase here. Some stuff happens, Ricki Lee shows off her thighs, they show footage of Tarisai doing her nut at Holden in a very Jerry Springer-esque way, more stuff happens, blah blah blah.

Tarisai and Marty are first into the bottom three. Surprise, surprise. Natalie, Carl and Matt are left on the bench - my money's on Matt to be rounding out the numbers.

Lucky then I'm not a betting girl, as Natalie's the last to be called into the bottom three. Bugger. ARE YOU SERIOUS? No really, are you?


YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!


Bastard Monkey Boy throws to a break - NO YOU SCUM, JUST TELL US THE RESULT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

"We should press on," says Ken Doll when he comes back from the break. YOU THINK?

"Going home tonight is... Tarisai Vushe."

OH THANK THE LORD ABOVE. Natalie is safe, the Bratz doll hits the road, earplug companies all around Australia instantly go out of business.

And to conclude tonight's results show wrap up, a quote from my Idol sidecar Raoul Duke.

"Bloody hell she's small! Sure it's Tarisai? More like BONSAI."


Bye, Bonsai.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Aussie Hits Night

So it's ARIAs time again, the Australian music industry's night of nights. I only half watched it, but it probably went something like this:

  • Rove delivers an unfunny monologue and attempts to connect with "the kids" by quoting a few Sneaky Sound System songs


  • James Matheson tries to chat up The Veronicas


  • A former Idol wins the award for the highest selling something or other


  • Someone wins "Best Breakthrough Artist" despite having already released 11 albums over the past 15 years


  • Missy. Bernard. Delta.


  • Hamish Blake wears a suit, looks completely hot


  • Someone gets their cock out and


  • Daniel Johns shows how shit his voice is these days by boldly attempting to sing one of his own songs.


Of course, when it comes to Idol, the arrival of the ARIAs night can only mean one thing - AUSSIE MUSIC NIGHT. Or actually, "Aussie hits night" which, as it turns out, is a rather generous title - Thirsty Merc, anyone?

But first, QUICKNEWS:

  • Holden gives Matt Corby a bit of performance advice which basically amounts to "Be more like Shane Warne". Women around the country excitedly check their mobile phones for incoming text messages.


  • Natalie Gauci shows off the new skills she's learned in her recent WEA course, "Furniture climbing for beginners".


  • Marty Simpson continues to delve deep into his past and dig up painful family memories to reenact in order to keep Holden happy.


  • Tarisai Vushe pouts, whines and bitches excessively about being called "fake" on the radio, and in so doing proves that her "real" self is a pouting, whining bitch.


  • Carl Risely achieves two seemingly impossible feats by a) making Little River Band sexy, and b) getting through an entire performance without getting out his trumpet. Unlike Axel Whitehead at last year's ARIAs.


So let's get straight into it then with some HOT, FLAMIN', 100% AUSSIE GOLD, courtesy of Matt "Maybe I'm not such a dead cert to win this thing after all, eh Natalie Gauci?" Corby.

Matt's obviously misheard the evening's theme as "Aussie Shits" night, and chosen Thirsty Merc's 20 Good Reasons. I'll give you one good reason not to sing that song Matt - it's crap. But we press on.

All the Idols have been working with Holden this week under the mistaken notion that it will actually help their performances. This basically amounts to a lot of footage of Holden sitting at a big mixing desk furrowing his brow while intermittently exclaiming "HARMONICS!", "PHRASING!", "PITCH!". It's all very Spinal Tap - we keep waiting for him to flick a few switches and mix the vocals in Dobbly.

"He really needs to cut through with that wa-a-a-a-ah," says Holden, while Matt sits in the background, busily sharpening his wa-a-a-a-ah so it will cut through better.

"You know Shane Warne? All I would say is be Warney about it, mate," says Holden, before continuing his cricket analogy by telling Matt to get out his googlies and polish his balls.

Back on stage, and Matt's scored the holy nanna trinity by getting his hair cut, putting on a nice, smart jacket and sitting at the piano to give us all a sing song. Don't get me wrong, I personally would have LOVED to have seen him in that natty Lego man dress from last week's verdict show - it was just so manly and flattering.


But a change is as good as a holiday.

Matt proves why he actually has more fans than Thirsty Merc by doing a superb version of an extremely crap song - it's full of emotion and it's beautifully sung. Not to mention his wa-a-a-a-ah which cuts through like a hot knife in butter. He still doesn't look up at the audience at all, but they couldn't give a toss. Except for one person who gives a bunch of roses a toss right onto the stage. What is he, Dame Nellie Melba? He sang Phantom LAST week, loser.

Dicko says if Matt stitched together all of his Idol performances so far, he could make a nice big blanket they could auction off for charity to donate to kids with cancer. Alternatively, he could turn it into a tablecloth and wear it around his neck like in the good old days.

"Having said that," says Marcia, forgetting that it was actually Dicko that said that, not her.

"You were singing about something very sad there," she continues, clearly talking about Rai Thistlethwayte's career.


And it started with such promise, too.


"Are you alright? You look upset to me," says Kyle. He's just sung Thirsty Merc on national TV for goodness' sake, give him a break.

Matt mumbles something in monotone about his fingers not working on the piano. I think we can all safely assume it's not a build up of charisma that caused the problem.

Moving right along to Natalie "That's right bitches, y'all better watch out" Gauci who takes over the piano to sing The Divinyls' Boys in Town. She's got her black leather jacket on so it's cledar she means business, not to mention the biggest earring known to humankind which is jutting out the right side of her head like a Foxtel satellite dish. She should get extra points for that - it must be hard to concentrate on your performance when you're getting Martha Stewart's cooking show broadcast straight into your brain.


I wonder if she gets the movie channels on that thing.


Suddenly she abandons the piano and struts out onto the stage, screaming about how she's just a red brassiere to all the boys in town. Yeeow, Natalie! Bring it, girl! Just as I'm musing on how much she looks like the long lost third Veronica, she mounts her Bunnings budget step ladder ($39.95 in this month's catalogue) and all of a sudden she's on top of the piano, yelling and looking hot. Everyone holds their breath for the moment of tragic irony where the piano collapses and sends her flying into the front row just as she's singing about how she musta been pretty low, but fortunately this never happens, and she pulls off a triumphant finish. A touchdown is surely imminent.

Dicko starts the praise fest off well by congratulating Holden. He then tells Natalie she's so good lately because she's been channelling all her heartbreak and tragedy of recent times into emotionally charged performances. So if she ever gets over that breakup she's going to have to push a family member under a bus or run over her own dog or something to help her get to the opera house. Marcia says she's incredible. She says Natalie is alright too. Kyle comes out with a classic quote:

"I've heard the rumours for years that one session with Mark Holden will change your life forever."


"YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA!" shrieks Holden in response, which surprises no one. Then he gives Natalie a touchdown, which is even less surprising.

Could it be possible? Could Natalie actually steal the thorny Idol crown from Matt Corby? It doesn't matter how sharp he gets his wa-a-a-a-a-ah, SHE STOOD ON THE PIANO. Game, set, match, Gauci.

Moving on to Marty "Can you believe I'm in the top 5?" Simpson, whose version of Powderfinger's These Days sounds dire even in the pre-performance montage. Poor Marty's stuck in a studio with Holden, trying desperately to dig up more painful memories in a desperate attempt to show some emotion.

"Um, my family had some problems with money a few years ago, that might work...? Or actually my dog died when I was 12, I could think of that. Oh hang on, a friend of a friend had an ingrown toenail once. Well she wasn't really a friend, I just knew her through Facebook..."

Eventually they settle on some sort of family tragedy that is evidently going to make Powderfinger's song really POP.

"I get it, I get the pain of your mother in there!" exclaims Holden, slightly more excited than he probably should be.

Back on stage and Marty's got his guitar out, so his big, scary hands won't attack and kill him when he's not watching. He's taken These Days and slowed it right down, and kept every line in exactly the same meter so he can keep in time. GOD it's slow. Christ, it'll be These Weeks by the time he's done with it.

Kyle says he nearly cried a little tear during the performance - so he was bored to tears too? Holden says he's proud of him. And proud of Marty too (SNAP! Same joke twice in one recap!). Dicko gives him a backhander by saying he's in the top five despite his performances rather than because of them, and then comes out with the biggest dad joke of the evening: "You've turned it into Idle Australian instead of Australian Idol."

Moving along to Tarisai "If I yell loud enough I will drown out the voices in my head" Vushe with The Veronicas' When it all Falls Apart. How prophetic that song title will turn out to be in about five minutes' time.

She's rocking a new hairdo tonight - a Beyonce style straight fringe cut. It looks hot. It also looks like if it got too hot, it would melt. Honestly, is it synthetic, or have they just spent the last three days straightening her hair?

Speaking of synthetic, apparently a caller branded Tarisai "fake" on Kyle's radio show this week, and she's not happy about it. Instead of NOT GIVING A TOSS like everyone else in the nation, Tarisai spends her whole video package pouting, whining and bitching to Holden about how real she is. Don't worry Miss T - we can all see the REAL you now. And to be honest, we preferred the fake version.

Holden tells Tarisai to put all of her anger into her performance - so just for something different, she'll yell, look pissed off and stalk around. How novel.

Out on stage she scowls at the cameras, barks out the lyrics, throws the mic stand to the ground and gives the entire nation the evil eye. Fuck - vote Tarisai or she'll come round to your place and fuck you up.


"DON'T MESS WITH ME, BEEYATCH!"


Secretly she wishes she had a piano to stand on. And then set fire to.

"Yesssss YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, noooooo oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," she screams, confirming all those rumours about her having a split personality.

Kyle tells Tarisai to get used to the fact that not everyone is going to like her, and that people aren't going to care. Right on, man. She continues her pout campaign until he tells her she's a "bit of a nutter", which seems to delight her. So questioning her mental stability is fine, just don't call her fake. Holden and Dicko continue stirring the pot by starting a discussion about whether Tarisai is fake or real - can't someone just get up there and bite her or something? It works for gold. Holden concludes she's fake, and Dicko concurs, prompting Tarisai to launch into a Summer Heights High Ja'mie routine.

"I'm absolutely offended. I am SO not joking here. I am not fake and that was not fake," she spits.

Not to be outdone, Dicko comes up with a trump quote:

"You were like an angry Bratz doll."


Oh SNAP!

Tarisai keeps protesting, but Dicko brings the smackdown.

"You only hear what you want to hear, you never listen to us," he complains.

"We could be slagging you off and you stand there and say 'thank you' like it's some beauty pageant. That's got to stop."

"I have been showing myself, I'm being real. There's nothing I can do about that," whinges Tarisai, as the rest of Australia is all "Seriously, WTF is going on here?"

There's only one way to save a debate of this type - Marcia?

"There's really nothing I can say," Marcia says.

Christ. When it all falls apart indeed.

Better move along to Carl "Admit it - you kind of like me now, don't you?" Risely, who announces he's doing Reminiscing by... oh for god's sake, LITTLE RIVER BAND? What the HELL, man?

"I'm actually surprised by Carl," says Holden as he shifts a few sliders on the mixing desk and blows up a small nuclear sub station in China. So are we, Holden - is he still really there?

"There's so much more to this whole singing thing than I ever thought there would be," enthuses Carl. It's crazy isn't it - you have to hold the microphone, sing into it, and sometimes walk around a bit. Unless you're in the advanced classes with Natalie Gauci in which case you have to stand on a few musical instruments too.

On stage and Carl's looking sharp in a black jacket and black open necked shirt, only slightly ruined by a few too many strange chains around his neck. Come on Carl, you're not a soccer player, leave the bling at home. He's channelling Bobby Flynn again with his epileptic hand movements, but apart from the fidgeting it's a very good performance. He's oozing confidence on stage now, and it's all very cruisy and sexy. Yes, Little River Band can be sexy. I think we've all learned something tonight, don't you?

Holden says it's a genuine challenge watching Carl pleasure himself every week. Whoops, sorry - I mean it's a genuine PLEASURE watching Carl CHALLENGE himself every week. Sorry. Then he channels Marcia and calls Carl a "real entertaining entertainer". Dicko says women at home are just hanging for Carl's date to come on sale. I could try and interpret that but I think it's best left as is. Marcia says he's never afraid to come out here - good thing, that, or it wouldn't be much of a show - and Kyle once again shows off his impeccable taste in music by branding Carl "one of my favourite artists of the year". Stay tuned for the ARIAs, in which Carl wins the Kyle's Choice Award - you don't get a trophy, but you do get unlimited access to Kyle's dressing room...

Be sure to come back for the results show wrap up - maybe this week Matt Corby will come out in a ballgown and ugg boots.


Hey, it'd still be an improvement.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Judges' Choice RESULTS

There's been a bit of chatter in the mee-jah recently about how Idol's Monday night verdict shows have been, well, REALLY FUCKING BORING of late, with too much G-RATED PADDING and not enough ARSE KICKING. Hear hear. So it's nice to see the Idols take a well deserved break tonight from visiting children with cancer / raising money for charity / rescuing babies from burning buildings to instead hang around backstage during their rehearsals and bitch and complain about things. And it's even nicer to see it was all caught on camera for our amusement.

If this is all part of Dicko's grand plan to spice up the show - huzzah, say I.
Enough of the Brady Bunch group singing - give us more backstage bitching and side of stage snarking!

Aside from all these fun and games tonight's verdict show also yielded the following nuggets of TV gold:

  • Matt Corby triumphantly rises above last night's combo vest-jacket fashion mistake by converting a K Mart toddler's nightie into a fetching T shirt:


    Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH IDOL FASHION THIS YEAR?


  • Kate "It's pronounced derouge" De Araouguoou shows off the most impressive Idol cleavage since Lavina Williams on disco night when she sings her new single with the rest of The Boring Divas. She is only JUST outdone by an obese rapper with E cups.


  • Marcia reveals that where she comes from, her butt "is her calling card". I think we can leave that there.


"BUT WHAT OF THE RESULTS?" I hear you scream.

Tarisai, Marty and Mifdud make up the bottom three - no surprises there. Once again Marty's guardian angel refuses to give him a break by sending him back to the safety couch first. Seriously, what does this guy have to do to get voted out for god's sake?

Who will it be: Screamy or Scarfey? Whitney or Julio? Big Hair or Bigger Hair?

The vote is cast, the announcement is made, it's Dan. Ken Doll asks him to do one more performance of Fragile but it's too late - he's already started ripping his clothes off and howling at the lighting rig. Soon the transformation is complete, and he scampers off stage to join his werewolf brethren attacking tourists in the streets of Sydney.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Judge's Choice Night

WELL!

WHAT A RIPPER NIGHT OF TELEVISION IT'S BEEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

I think I can safely say without any hint of hyperbole whatsoever that tonight Australia saw its best evening of televisual delights since Bert Newton called Muhammad Ali a boy at The Logies, or since that dog took a crap on Graham Kennedy's leg (or whatever the hell that clip is they keep dragging up every three years as if it's still funny).

On Channel 7 we had the country's biggest bingo game (BINGO! On TV! Can you imagine it? I can't!) while on Nine two old men argued over a worm and talked about tax reform. THRILLS, SPILLS, EXCITEMENT! But it didn't stop there - the ABC had a documentary about two geese migrating from Tibet to Nepal (if only they could have shared that worm with those two old geezers they might have made it) and SBS ran something on volcanoes. EXPLOSIVE! But all of that, of course, pales into insignificance when compared to the sheer thrill of seeing six NICE, MODERATELY TALENTED YOUNG PEOPLE singing 90-second versions of SEMI-POPULAR MUSIC for AN HOUR AND A HALF that was tonight's Australian Idol: Judges' Choice night.

Monkey Boy announces that for even further excitement, you can tune your wireless into Idol FM for a stereo simulcast. It seems tonight's fashion is also simulcast in stereo, as he and Ken Doll have both rocked up wearing exactly the same thing:


I think we can safely assume this is not the price of their outfits tonight.


Thank goodness Marcia is creating a point of difference, by dressing as Russell Crowe from Gladiator:


The judge who became a gladiator. The gladiator who became an emperor.


Kyle expresses his sadness over Ben Mackenzie-ayy-ayyyy-yayyeah being "arseholed" last week - I think I missed that part of the show (maybe you had to tune into the simulcast?), Holden says he wants "more kapow" and less "da doing", which makes about as much sense as usual, while Dicko announces he's looking for some entertainment tonight. Maybe he could try turning over to Channel Nine, I hear there's a couple of guys fighting over a worm on there.

Someone declares they're sending Tarisai home, and for a moment I know what true happiness is. Then I realise they've just sent her home for a day or two to videotape her gadding about with her family and such, in a last ditch attempt to prove she has some sort of personality. Sigh. There's always next week, anyway.

Marcia announces that she's chosen Taramasalata's song tonight, and it's Barry White's Can't Get Enough of Your Love Baby - excellent, because we all know how WONDERFUL Tarisai's lower register sounds.

Miss T comes out dressed in a delicious little sparkly black spiderwebby shrug that makes her look like a disco-fied prawn caught in a sequinned net. She's also wearing those tighter than tight jeans she wore a few weeks back (maybe she just hasn't been able to take them off yet). Seriously, why are those jeans so tight? Perhaps poor Tarisai has been horribly burned in a tragic stir fry accident in the Idol mansion, and has been forced to wear a burns bandage suit for the past three weeks which Sheridan Tyler has painted to resemble denim. Poor Tarisai.

It's a pretty sassy performance, even if she doesn't move much (although given she's caught in a prawn net and wearing surgical jeans we probably can't blame her for that). When she finishes she even says "Thank you" like a normal person - no head canting, no breathy, humble whispers. GO TARISAI!

Let's see what the official BC Idol worm thinks:


Impressive.


Holden says Tarisai's is an arousing opening. Christ, I know her jeans are tight but they're not THAT... oh wait. He said it was "a rousing opening to the show". Gotcha. Dicko checks his Idol meter and does a reading of Tarisai's tank, which he deems to contain 20% more. So what, she's keeping some in reserve - have you seen petrol prices these days? Marcia says "girlfriend 100%" (seriously, she does) while Kyle tells her she's got a sexy face and "a little head thing happening". Great, 10 minutes in and I've already made two obscene references. THANKS GUYS.

Let us move on to our next contestant, Marty Simpson.


Hmm.


Marcia has also chosen Marty's song tonight, and she's gone for the completely unobvious choice of Bob Marley's No Woman No Cry. Marty has matched this totally mind blowingly surprising song choice with an outfit straight out of left field - a brown Jay Jay's shirt and jeans.

He taps his foot incessantly throughout the performance - he's not keeping in time, he's actually sending a morse code signal to his fans saying F-O-R T-H-E L-O-V-E O-F G-O-D S-T-O-P V-O-T-I-N-G F-O-R M-E. And the performance itself? Put it this way - it was the 90 second version, and it was still too long.

Dicko comes out with the first top quote of the evening: "That had all the choreographic zest of a dole queue," which is, ironically, probably where Marty will be heading sometime next week. Marcia says the performance was "just fine", Kyle says he loved it, and Holden says Marty has a problem with his emotions. So, just the usual post-Marty run down then.

"How would you react if Daniel Mifsud turned up at your school?" asks Monkey Boy, apropos of nothing.


A bit like this, I'd imagine.


But then we see a short video of Mr Mifdud going back to the school where he works and his family home, checking out his bedroom covered in Australian Idol posters and pretending he hasn't been there for weeks, etc. etc. It's all very sweet. Until Holden announces he's chosen his song, and it's the Julio Iglesias version of Sting's Fragile. JULIO IGLESIAS? Actually, now that you mention it...


Spot the difference.


To be honest, Mr Mifsud is looking pretty fine tonight in a sharp, tailored jacket - and has he had a haircut? We approve, Mr M. Except all of that is negated when he breathes all the way through his performance perched on top of a stool. You can hardly hear him over the bloody bongoes - and if you're being outperformed by a set of bongoes you're in trouble. We keep waiting for him to dig his heels in and really kick the song off - but it never goes anywhere, it just meanders along on the dirt track to almost greatness.

Marcia says it was dynamite, and Kyle says he agrees with tomato. Tomato? Is that Marcia's new nickname now? Then Kyle says he thought the whole thing was really boring, so christ knows WHAT he's on about. Holden says it was a vulnerable, heartfelt performance with profound lyrics and HE BELIEVED IT, HALLELUJAH! Then Dicko ruins the moment by describing it as a "gaylord song", and everyone realises he's right.

Next up is Carl, who is shown going back to the navy to visit his old navy buddies in the navy where he played trumpet in the navy in the band with his trumpet. Trumpet, trumpet trumpet, navy navy trumpet navy. Trumpet.

Dicko has selected his song tonight, and it is to be Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual. Which, ironically, IS sort of unusual. Except it's not. But it is.

"Iiiiit's noooot unuuuuuuuusual," breathes Carl, as he kickstarts another of his slow, boring swingified numbers.

Australia picks up the nearest object and is poised to throw it at the television while shouting "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE" when suddenly:

"Whoaaaah, stop!" shouts Carl.

Pardon?

"That'll never work," he says.

Say what?

"Whaddya reckon, John?" he asks the Foreman, who responds by kicking into a top gear, whizzbang, brassy version of the song. Wooot! A bit of comedy, eh? Clearly Carl got confused and thought tonight's theme was VAUDEVILLE NIGHT. But snaps to the C Man, it worked, it was cute, we likey muchly.


Carl's worm turns.


It's so cute we don't even mind when he finishes with a trumpet solo. Again.

Kyle declares him the frontrunner, Holden gives him a touchdown, Marcia reveals her after show plans by saying something about smashing and grabbing, and Dicko bemoans the distinct lack of undies on the stage (but fortunately doesn't offer to throw his own in to the ring).

Moving along to Matt Corby


who will be doing Holden's choice of The Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera.


But first we're subjected to a short video of him going home to visit his family and schoolmates, for which he has thoughtfully dressed up as Worzel Gummidge:


Spot the difference.


Back to the stage, and it's Phantom time. Ok. This is either going to be an earth-shattering Anthony Callea The Prayer kind of moment


or it's going to be a Daniel Belle Rock DJ kind of moment


I know I know, we've all seen it before, but FUCK isn't it great?


As it turns out, it's somewhere in between. Corby's crisp, gorgeous, poppy upper register is battling for supremacy with his underdeveloped lower register - it's a bit like Pavarotti and James Blunt in a bar fight. (For the record - Pavarotti's dead and I'd still back him.) There's a triumphant finish, but it's not enough to distract us all from the truly tragic semi-lederhosen costume he's got on.


"Hallo, mein name ist Hans - you have sausage I might slap, ja?"


Holden goes on for about 20 minutes about how he posed that song as a CHALLENGE and it was so admirable that Matt took up the CHALLENGE because it was really CHALLENGING to sing something so different and CHALLENGING. Then he gives him a touchdown. Yawn - those things are a dime a dozen these days. Dicko says it was an idiotic song choice and he can't believe Matt agreed to do it. Holden retaliates by saying this was a good song choice, as Matt always chooses left of centre songs - yeah, like PHIL COLLINS, COLDPLAY, STEVIE WONDER. Come ON Dicko. Marcia praises Matt for his "vers-A-tility". Mmm-HMM. 100%, boyfriend. Kyle says he's not sure what bondage gear Matt's wearing but he likes it, and the orgy door is always open for him, he knows that, he just has to do the special knock...

Bringing up the rear (so to speak) is Natalie Gauci, with a song Marcia picked for her - Prince's Nothing Compares 2 U.

PRAISE THE LORD, SOMEBODY IS DOING THIS SONG. It should have been Matt Corby, as I suggested last week but never mind. It's hot, and someone should have done it earlier. MARCIA, YOU RULE.


"I know."


Sadly, Natalie's outfit is not quite as hot as her song choice. Actually, it's not hot at all. In fact, it's so far from hot, it could be an icy moon circling an as yet undiscovered planet on the outer edges of the universe.


Natalie is so far from the sun in this photograph, it had to be taken with an infra red camera at NASA headquarters.


Fortunately Natalie's own heavenly body and gorgeous face is enough to distract us from this hideous blue-1960s-mini-dress-patterned-tights fashion abortion. And of course there's always her voice - sublime, gorgeous, beautiful, she pulls out an absolute ripper of a performance. GO TEAM GAUCI!


The dip accounts for the 15 seconds in which the entire country went "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT OUTFIT?"


Dicko and Marcia both say they believed every single word of it, especially the line about "This bloody outfit is really un-FLAAAAA-ttering!!!" Kyle blurts out to the entire nation that Natalie is suffering over a bad breakup (go on, just expose her pain why don't you), then says it would have been better if she'd cried a bit, and then tops it all off with the "fuck you" cherry by telling her her bum looks big on television. He does sort of have a point about the dress though - it's possibly the worst Idol costume to feature in any of the five series. The only thing that even comes close is Paulini's infamous gold dress of yore:


Does this mean we'll get to see Kyle in a blue minidress in the pages of WHO magazine this Christmas? I bloody well hope not.


So that's six finalists and six performances down. What, you think that's it? SUCKED IN, THERE'S MORE. That's right, this week each Idol does TWO performances. Sigh. Here's the rest, in a slightly more condensed form:

Tarisai Take II whips out the Whitney for one more thrashing, meaning I can finally do this again:


I don't know what song she does, it's some bloody Whitney thing about "lerrrrve", that's all you need to know. To be honest I don't think anyone is paying attention to her singing either - everyone's distracted by the weird skin-tight sheath dress she's got on.


Clearly I was right with my surgial clothing theory.


There's a lot of wide-eyed Whitney shouting and some more low-register baying, and then it's back to the depressed, overly humble Tarisai we've come to know and ignore in previous weeks.


Boo.


Marcia said she was waiting for Tarisai to use that extra 20% Dicko said she had in her tank. Tarisai says something completely bereft of charm or personality. No one is surprised. Kyle says she's a superstar, blah blah blah, she's amazing, blah blah blah, she's his favourite, blah blah. Then he injects a small shot of reality into the proceedings by declaring her dress "a tragedy" and saying she looks "just dodge". Holden says he wanted "more more more" - yeah, a bit more material on that dress wouldn't have gone astray. Dicko comes out with his second cracker comment for the evening:

"You look like a badly packed oven-ready turkey."


Oh, snap!

Moving on to Marty, who's back with his second serving of dullness with Pearl Jam's Last Kiss - oh goody, one of the most boring contestants in the whole competition is going to sing one of the most boring songs in the whole world. Still, there's only about three notes in it so hopefully he'll do ok.

He channels Johnny Cash by dressing all in black, sitting on a stool and playing his guitar. I flip over to Channel Nine and find myself mildly more entertained by watching John Howard talking about Workplace Relations.

I flip back just in time to hear Kyle come out with what is possibly the best quote of the entire Idol series anywhere in the universe:

"Trust a boy from the coast to get some fingerbanging action."


Um, some WHAT? For the confused: here. For the record: I think he was actually talking about Marty drumming his fingers on his guitar. I THINK.

Holden asks Marty if he related to the song, and Marty chirps up like a schoolboy who's just been asked the exam question he's been rehearsing for all morning, merrily telling Holden all about how his friend died in a motorbike accident and how he was able to use that as emotional inspiration in his performance. Did I get an A, sir? Did I? Did I?

"Nothing like a bit of last minute emotion to give a song some resonance Marty," snarks Dicko.

Let's move on to Daniel Mifsud, with the worst performance ever of Eskimo Joe's From the Sea. Oh, sorry, did I just give away that it was THE WORST PERFORMANCE EVER?

"Hello helOOOOOOOO!!" he cracks, as his falsetto barely makes it to the top note. Not even the Mark Da Costa tight black jeans are helping this week (and come on Mifsud, surely it's someone else's turn already?)

"Goodbye, goodbye," texts my sadly absent Idol sidecar Raoul Duke. I feel he may have a point.

Holden says it's like Daniel is choosing songs that he wants to sing, but he doesn't quite have the chops to sing. No Holden, it IS that. Marcia says what she dug about Daniel's performance was his performance, which makes total sense as usual, while Kyle says it's lucky Daniel's popular, because that was pants. And not the tight Mark Da Costa kind either.

Next up is Carl, with Jealous Guy. With what? Jealous Guy. What's that? I dunno, I think I've heard it before on Mix FM or something, don't worry about it, it's late, just keep going.

It's heavy on the drums, and even heavier on the emotion - Carl's centre stage pulling more faces and emoting harder than the local butcher playing the title role in the local Theatre Guild's Christmas production of Hamlet. Having said that, it's a pretty solid performance, even if he doesn't go for the high notes.

Dicko says Carl is turning into "the housewives' choice" - I thought Mortein was the housewives' choice. Or was it Glen 20? Kyle says Carl used to be underdone but now he's turned up the heat and cooked himself. Perhaps by next week he'll be medium rare.

Second to last is Matt Corby again, showing he is actually a modern, cool, young person by dropping the Lloyd Webber in favour of Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism.

It starts with him seated at the piano, and WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? A piano?


Since when does Matt Corby know how to play the piano? WHO CARES, IT'S HOT. Fortunately he's also dumped the German bondage gear he was in before for the tried and true hoodie-over-suit-jacket-combo. All in all it's a great performance - although it wouldn't hurt if you'd look up once in a while, dear.

Marcia says it's the third time she's heard that song AND SHE'S ALREADY SICK OF IT, RARRR!


She's turning green again!


Kyle says Matt could "sing songs from the Satanic Verses of Satan and I'd still love it" - as opposed to that best selling tome, The Satanic Verses of Jesus. And in any case - would anyone actually be surprised if Kyle enjoyed that anyway? Dicko says it was absolutely sublime, the entire world agrees, let's move on to our final performer for the evening, Natalie Gauci, who is taking over the piano to do her version of Rihanna's Umbrella. Ella. Ella. Eh. Eh. Eh.

She's gotten rid of that fashion tragedy from before, but she's gone and replaced it with a painting smock made out of her grandma's tablecloth from 1976. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL? Are stylists just like kryptonite to her? Still, she's got such a lovely face and voice I guess we can forgive her.

For some reason she's stripped the only bit of the song that anyone likes ("ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh,") right out of it, and turned it into a strangely lilting piano ballad, but somehow it works. It really does. TEAM GAUCI SCORES AGAIN!

Kyle attempts to make up for previously crushing Natalie's self esteem and breaking her spirit on national television by telling her she looks the best she's ever looked, which is PLAINLY UNTRUE (and actually sort of insulting). But then he declares Umbrella to be one of his "favourite songs", and everyone realises he knows nothing about music and ergo probably less about fashion, so it's all good. Holden says there was something magical about the performance, before going through his touchdown pantomime for the third time this evening.

"Hey Rove, should I give her a touchdown?" he yells, to which the response off camera is probably something like "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, YOU'RE RUNNING 15 MINUTES OVERTIME INTO MY SHOW, JUST HURRY THE FUCK UP."

Dicko says it was perfect, and Marcia concludes the evening by saying it was a really interesting risk to take, given Rihanna is so large at the moment.

"NOT AS LARGE AS NATALIE'S ARSE!" yells Kyle.

Stay tuned for Monday's results. My money's on Mr Mifsud.