RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars season 3 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

RuPaul's Drag Race recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Seasons 6, 7, 8 and a bit of 9 recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Incredible Inedibles: Lucky Charms

Ever since I was blacklisted by Australian customs after my trip to Vietnam earlier this year (you really should declare wooden items, kiddies) I have made it my mission to fly home as much contraband from around the globe as possible without being fined and/or thrown in jail. My usual tactic is to act stupid and declare something completely innocuous ("I've just got these dirty socks - are they ok? It is FOREIGN dirt...") in the hope of distracting the customs officials while all my precious seeds, berries and wooden sculptures go undetected through the scanner.

From my last trip to the USA I managed to bring home a small box of Lucky Charms - genUine American cereal (the kind they eat on sitcoms!) - and was most disappointed when customs gave not a shit about it. Well, as disappointed as you can be for not being fined and arrested. I have now realised that this because Lucky Charms is not technically food.

Why the hell is he so bloody happy?

Manufactured by General Mills, the box promises "frosted toasted oat cereal with marshmallows". Another way to describe it would be "nuclear coloured sugary hell". This shit looks like it has a half life of 10,000 years.

Chernobyl Charms.

Just quietly, before I get into eating this crap for your reading pleasure - what the HELL is the deal with Americans and marshmallows? They have them in mashed sweet potato for Thanksgiving, in nuclear chicken form for Easter, and seem to enjoy torturing themselves all year round with Marshmallow fluff... I mean, GET OVER IT. Given George W's apparent love of the stuff I wouldn't be at all surprised to know that he invaded Iraq to search for Weapons of Marshmallow Destruction. "Marshmallows are a sacred right of the Amurrcan people. We will not allow them to be destroyed by terrists. THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

Despite the distinctly pagan iconography of the cereal's mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, not to mention the whole idea of eating this much sugar at breakfast in the first place (sounds un-Christian to me, anyway) I also wouldn't be surprised to find out that George W was using Lucky Charms as some sort of nationwide Christian mind control device. Sound crazy?

No, it's not the new Playstation controller.

What's this then? Could it be A CHRISTMAS TREE, A FISH AND A CROSS? I THINK IT COULD. That's right - General Mills (if that IS his real name) is pumping kids full of sugary Christian symbols every morning so they'll support the war on terror, keep abortion illegal and get ADD and variants thereof. Talk about crafty.

And so I pour my milk, grab my spoon and throw myself into a bowl of multicoloured pain...

As soon as the milk hits the bowl the cereal goes to work on sucking the health and nutrition out of it, turning it a bizarre shade of grey. I close my eyes and think of Weetbix... but actually, it's not that bad. It reminds me of Nutrigrain, but without all the healthy ironman references. It's like - if you eat Nutrigrain you can be a surf-lifesaving muscle man, but if you eat Lucky Charms you can be a paranoid dwarf in a funny hat who's always worried about getting his possessions stolen! You choose! The marshmallow pieces have an unpleasant texture, rather like pieces of chalk covered in pond slime. They remind me of death. Death in a bowl. By bowl's end I want to join them. The grey milk and the technicolour slimy-chalk pieces are sloshing in my stomach and I know the true meaning of depression.

I vow to become bulimic by day's end.