Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Incredible Inedibles: Lucky Charms

Ever since I was blacklisted by Australian customs after my trip to Vietnam earlier this year (you really should declare wooden items, kiddies) I have made it my mission to fly home as much contraband from around the globe as possible without being fined and/or thrown in jail. My usual tactic is to act stupid and declare something completely innocuous ("I've just got these dirty socks - are they ok? It is FOREIGN dirt...") in the hope of distracting the customs officials while all my precious seeds, berries and wooden sculptures go undetected through the scanner.

From my last trip to the USA I managed to bring home a small box of Lucky Charms - genUine American cereal (the kind they eat on sitcoms!) - and was most disappointed when customs gave not a shit about it. Well, as disappointed as you can be for not being fined and arrested. I have now realised that this because Lucky Charms is not technically food.

Why the hell is he so bloody happy?

Manufactured by General Mills, the box promises "frosted toasted oat cereal with marshmallows". Another way to describe it would be "nuclear coloured sugary hell". This shit looks like it has a half life of 10,000 years.

Chernobyl Charms.

Just quietly, before I get into eating this crap for your reading pleasure - what the HELL is the deal with Americans and marshmallows? They have them in mashed sweet potato for Thanksgiving, in nuclear chicken form for Easter, and seem to enjoy torturing themselves all year round with Marshmallow fluff... I mean, GET OVER IT. Given George W's apparent love of the stuff I wouldn't be at all surprised to know that he invaded Iraq to search for Weapons of Marshmallow Destruction. "Marshmallows are a sacred right of the Amurrcan people. We will not allow them to be destroyed by terrists. THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

Despite the distinctly pagan iconography of the cereal's mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, not to mention the whole idea of eating this much sugar at breakfast in the first place (sounds un-Christian to me, anyway) I also wouldn't be surprised to find out that George W was using Lucky Charms as some sort of nationwide Christian mind control device. Sound crazy?

No, it's not the new Playstation controller.

What's this then? Could it be A CHRISTMAS TREE, A FISH AND A CROSS? I THINK IT COULD. That's right - General Mills (if that IS his real name) is pumping kids full of sugary Christian symbols every morning so they'll support the war on terror, keep abortion illegal and get ADD and variants thereof. Talk about crafty.

And so I pour my milk, grab my spoon and throw myself into a bowl of multicoloured pain...

As soon as the milk hits the bowl the cereal goes to work on sucking the health and nutrition out of it, turning it a bizarre shade of grey. I close my eyes and think of Weetbix... but actually, it's not that bad. It reminds me of Nutrigrain, but without all the healthy ironman references. It's like - if you eat Nutrigrain you can be a surf-lifesaving muscle man, but if you eat Lucky Charms you can be a paranoid dwarf in a funny hat who's always worried about getting his possessions stolen! You choose! The marshmallow pieces have an unpleasant texture, rather like pieces of chalk covered in pond slime. They remind me of death. Death in a bowl. By bowl's end I want to join them. The grey milk and the technicolour slimy-chalk pieces are sloshing in my stomach and I know the true meaning of depression.

I vow to become bulimic by day's end.


  1. You know that all the "pretty" "on screen" people havent been able to follow the "marshmellow in everything" diet cos all of those middle aged "trailer" ladies have scoffed the lot to fill out their fashion leggins--

  2. damn.. and THIS is why KRAMER got so fucked up recently, he got hooked on JERRY's cereal fixation and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!! (and lets not mention JASON ALEXANDER, JULIE LOUISE DRYFUS's or fuckit, even JERRY's career since.. yeeeouch!)

    hmmmm.. I wonder.. ever since the 1920's when they had to take all the cocaine out of COCA COLA.. did it all just go into the cereals instead? where peeps would least expect it!!? creating generation after generation of consumerist zombies who obey your every lunatic fashion whim? whoaaaaa.. we're thru the looking glass here peeps..

  3. Mind Control Lucky Charms? That must be my problem... must... support... war... must... proclaim Republican greatness :)

    Honestly, I thought these type of cereals made it to 'OZ... I mean all our other sugar-based products have made it, though it took years to get Dr. Pepper over there :)

    Hope you had a great New Year's.

  4. Marty - not sure I follow the cut of your jib there, old chum, but thanks for stopping by.

    Spoz - Charlie Charms, now THERE'S an idea!

    Jedimerc - nope, I don't believe we have ANY marshmallow enhanced cereals over here. We certainly don't have Marshmallow Fluff! And you may be interested to know, jm, that I procured this mini box of Lucky Charms in Fort Worth - from the hotel I was staying at, Etta's Place. Which I highly recommend.

  5. Wow, the things you do for us, Pet. There are just two places for marshmallows - melting in hot chocolate on a cold day or poked on sticks and being toasted over an open fire. WTF thought of putting them in cereal? Where will it end? As a sauce for steak, perhaps? In sushi? A dip for french fries?

    Oh, and sorry to rain on your parade, but you can get Fluff here. They sell it at Coles. You too can have a fluffernutter anytime you like. Which would probably be never.

  6. Marshmallow dip for french fries...you know, I can actually see that happening. People already dip chips in their sundaes - it's time to take it to the next level. Fuck that, why not a whole marshmallow burger? The bacon double mallow burger! The Big Mallow! The Quarter Mallow! Cheese Mallow? Ok, now I'm going to be sick.

  7. And actually if you go to www.usafoods.com.au you can buy a hell of a lot of American foods that you wouldn't otherwise be able to get.

    pop tarts anyone?

    (this isn't spam I promise. I jsut love that site. Pop tarts rule and cherry coke is awesome. And most of their cereals make great desserts)

  8. Yeah, what's the deal with dipping fries in sundaes and thickshakes? OK, they're roughly the same colour as mayonnaise, but they're no substitute for the real thing. Mmm, chips and mayonnaise... ~drool~

  9. I've seen the marshmallow-spread that comes in a jar at the supermarket before... And your description of lucky charms sounds awfully familiar... I reckon i had a similar cereal when i was younger, but by a different name. It was horrible...but dad made me finish the box :(

  10. When one of my friends went to Vegas, they spent the whole day eating deep fried cheese. They sent me a picture, and...well, it made me feel sick. And did you hear about deep fried coke?

    I'm surprised Pizza Hut hasn't tried to put deep fried cheese in it's crust.

  11. "Mmm, chips and mayonnaise... ~drool~"

    Chips and mayonnaise. Fat on fat baby. The best kind...

    Meanwhile, you switched to beta? In dumbledore's name woman, why?!!

  12. Pizza hut does put deep fried cheese in it's crust... the stuffed cheese pizza, and fried cheese...mmm... fried..er, yeah. Actually, I've had fried brie before, really better than I thought it would be. Though the fried coke is too much for me :)

  13. oh you've gotta love the stuff they try to pass of as food. I enjoy it from a bizarre "is this the point we're at in human evolution" standpoint.

  14. Christ goddammit, they're always after me Lucky Charms!

  15. *looks ashamed* Man, I loved those things growing up overseas- my housemate just went to the US for six weeks and I specially requested a box!

    It's like sugary sugary death for breakfast!


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