One of my and my beau's favourite conversations is how he is a guitar-loving, balls-to-the-wall rock and roll fiend, and how I am a wigga. Or rather, it's one of his favourite conversations. Oh, how he does laugh at my hippity hoppity music every time he rides in my car, adding "izzle" to the end of every word and making strange gestures with his hands out of time to the beat. (But he likes to play Sarah Blasko in his car so I get the last laugh.)
I admit that I like to be a little "black on the inside", although this doesn't mean I don't love my rock and roll (and particularly the men of rock and roll - hello Jack White and Julian Casablancas). I love big-ass guitar as much as anyone. But when I hear a fat hip hop beat I just can't control myself. I even start to use words like "fat". The Pharcyde comes on and I just have to turn up the stereo in the Pulsar and pretend I have hydraulics by bouncing up and down in my seat as I cruise down Crenshaw. I mean Rundle.
The problem with this is that a lot of the hip hop I like is sort of ... X Rated. Or at least R. MA15+ at the VERY least. Language warnings don't even come CLOSE to covering some of the shit I like to listen to. It's dirty, it's nasty, it's ultra violent and of course it's misogynistic. All of which adds up to shocked family members, offended friends and appalled anyone who rides in my car with me. Not to mention the RAA man who was blasted with "BITCH, I PUT MY DICK ON YOUR LIPS" at top volume when he went to test my battery. I'm sure he's had stranger offers.
But after watching Chris Rock's Never Scared DVD last night, I realise I am not the anti-feminist misogynist lyric-loving weirdo wigga I thought I was. I think he sums it up best:
"People always say rap music is misogynistic and it's degrading to women, but what I've realised is women that like rap don't give a fuck. Women that like rap don't care what they say - if the beats are right she will dance all night. The nastier the better."
(See the whole routine here.)
Right on, brother. And so I bring to you my shameful list of nasty hip hop favourites, starting with:
High and Mighty, Kool Keith - "Hands on Experience"
Sample lyric: So that's the set up, I tilt my head up / Put my fingers on my nipple, swish around my pre-cum dribble / Rippin' epidermis cause it's easy to be / Shootin loads to go to bed, cause it makes me sleepy / Titties on my mind, close to ejaculation / Anal perspiration, heavy inhalation / I strive for the shoulders, in Boulder Colorado / Shoot on walls and toilet stalls is my motto / It's like that y'all y'all and you don't dare stop stop / I grab my cock until the cum drops.
You've probably gathered by now that this isn't a song about the benefits of workplace apprenticeships. Kool Keith (who will feature several times in this list), Bobbito Garcia and Mr Eon bring us five minutes of pure mastabatory filth, made extra special by the lyric "girls in the back seat with thongs stuck between they boo-boos". Revolting, but how sexy is the backing loop? It makes me want to pole dance. Or form a feminist book club, whatever.
Jedi Mind Tricks - "Heavenly Divine"
Sample lyric: Hologram burn churches / Murders by sticking a crucifix through your cervix / Divine purpose for the Remy thats in my thermos / Wait and see we'll stick you with needles that's hypodermic / You heard the verdict / I'm with Allah cause he chose me / Broke into the Vatican strangled the pope with his rosary.
Jedi Mind Tricks are renowned for producing some of the most violent and vicious rap tracks in the history of the genre. They rap about "murdering faggots" and systematically killing people with razorblades, with lyrics like "We beat skulls in the shape of a wet bag of laundry". AND BLOODY HELL THEY HAVE SOME HOT BEATS. I bought Violent by Design randomly while on holiday in France, having never heard of the group or their music before, and immediately proclaimed it "my dirty little secret". Their lyrics shock me to the core but I just can't help loving it. Hologram carries Remy Martin around in his thermos, for fuck's sake. And it's probably the only time you'll ever hear someone rhyme "crucifix" with "cervix". If you're lucky.
Kool Keith - "Sex Style"
Sample lyric: You want freestyle, that's right, the style is free / Niggas suck my dick and they girls drink my pee / I'm on some S&M shit you can't get with / Pull your panties down on stage and watch you sweat quick / Suckers back to pull their styles transsexual / Lesbians dance with the funky heterosexual / You on the mic, and when you rhyme I start to jerk off / Let my dog lick you, German Shepherd want to bust off.
So, this is one of the dirtiest songs you'll ever hear. In fact just picking a sample lyric was difficult, because the entire song is one big, filthy exclamation mark. Check it out. This song is like the musical version of those scary 1980s hardcore German pornos that sex shops keep BEHIND the counter. There's German Shepherds performing cunnilingus, people drinking urine, people pissing in people's hair, inserting microphones into other people, and my personal favourite, "Bisexuals on stage eating fruit loops". 100% guaranteed to get rid of those boring Christian neighbours who gatecrashed your barbecue.
Kool Keith - "Don't Crush It"
Sample lyric: I’m in the mix, like Funky-Master Flex / I’m shootin jizzum, then after you can pick up next / I watch you shake it, like palm trees in California / Now you a lady, mature and I’m rubbin' on ya / I got my phantom mask, I’m on the dolo / I slipped in my tipton, bonin' sweetie look like yo-yo / She had a good time, knees bent in the chair / She said 'Get wild - I like it when you pull my hair' / I gave her cream, and rubbed it on her black boots / I see a packed house in different color body suits.
Kool Keith makes the list again with one of my favourite sinful songs, which has one of the best duo choruses since Elton John and Kiki Dee did Don't Go Breaking My Heart:
Kool Keith: Yo baby.
Kool Keith: Don't crush it when you sit upon it.
Chick: Yo baby.
Kool Keith: Whassup?
Chick: Don't rush it when I sit upon it.
In fact if anyone felt like remixing Elton and Kiki's video with Kool Keith's audio track, it'd be the next big thing on YouTube.
Gravediggaz - "1800 Suicide"
Sample lyric: Put a slug in your mug, overdose on a drug / Wet your hair, stick a knife in the plug / Or be like Richard Pryor - set your balls on fire /Better yet, go hang yourself with a barbed wire.
Just your every day hip hop guide to topping yourself. Nothing to be concerned about. What do you expect from a group called Gravediggaz? Sunshine and lollipops? I love the slinky, mellowed out bass loop.
The Pharcyde - "On the DL"
Sample lyric: I woke up in the morning to a girl whose butt's soft / Gotta brush my teeth, clean my nuts off / Put on the gear that I'm-a wear throughout my day / But before I take a shower I ain't ashamed to say / When I think of the night before, and the heat of passion / Your big brown booty, my mind starts flashin' / I'm lookin in the mirror with my cock on rock / Should I pursue to do you or just stroke my knot?
Ok so compared to Kool Keith's efforts this is pretty tame, but that's like comparing a rabid African mountain lion to a hamster. (Or, possibly more appropriately, a gerbil). The Pharcyde's debut 1992 album Bizarre Ride is an absolute classic and must-own for any hip hop fan. Fans will find their jokes about fat women, ladyboys and masturbation hilarious. Others will be brutally offended and never come to a party at your house again. Probably the same Christian people who forgave you for the Kool Keith indescretion at your last barbecue.
So - anyone else got any dirty musical secrets?