Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Junk mail round up Vol 4

After a spectacular 2006, it seems the flow of interesting and pay-out-worthy junk mail to the Bachelorette pad has stemmed somewhat in the opening months of 2007. Either there's not enough old growth forests left to publish Cheap as Chips catalogues, or all the crap merchants are still on holiday.

But never fear! Your always thrifty PetStarr has skimmed the fat from the catalogue stock over the last few weeks and now I bring you: Junk Mail Round Up Volume 4 - the collectors' edition.

Starting with THE GENERAL TRADER catalogue:

Is YOUR crockery clever?

The crockery so clever, it has an IQ test result of 140. "How is it clever?" I hear you ask. Well, see, because it's painted, it LOOKS full all the time - even when it's empty. It's genius! Can't wait to see what your chicken vindaloo looks like when it's served in that marshmallow bowl, though.

Yo, bitch, check my ice.

I can just see the poor bastard made to write the blurbs for these items.

JADED EX JOURNALIST: Bob, do we really HAVE to write some crap for EVERY one of these things?

BOB: Orders from head office. It makes the catalogue feel more like a magazine, apparently.

JEJ: Well what the fuck am I supposed to write about an ice cube tray?

BOB: Make up some crap about ice looking like diamonds. Isn't that what the kids are calling it now anyway?

JEJ: I suppose it's better than making a drug reference.

It's so EASY!

Ooh, an apple peeling machine! It makes peeling apples as easy as pie!

Am I the only one who thinks this looks REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT? HOW is this contraption in any way easier than just peeling the apple with a normal peeler? Actually though, when you think about it, they're not really even lying - pie is pretty hard.

Moving on to a random flyer:

Only 1001? Have they actually calculated that?

Labels SO AMAZING that even David Beckham, Lizzie McGuire and Johnny Depp use them to label their lunchboxes for school recess. Lizzie's not even REAL, so that PROVES how amazing they are. And sure, Johnny can't spell his own name correctly, but he scores an extra point for opting for the skull and crossbones clipart - very topical.

And on to Cheap as Chips:

Bad hat.

And finally - I don't know what year the people at Cheap as Chips think it is, but I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a dollar like this since about, ooh, 1984?!

100% guaranteed fatal.

Either they're implying that their merchandise is stuck in the 80s, or that they've fixed the flux capacitor on their Delorean and they're not afraid to use it.

Either way, I'm excited.


  1. Brilliant, but next time please include contact details for these fine companies. I want to get a 'Bad Girl' hat and personalise it with a vinyl label.
    And then like, peel it.

  2. That "apple peeler" looks suspiciously like a pencil sharpener.

  3. That apple peeler looks like a tradie got industrious on a building site, got a clamp, turned it upside down, welded it to a stand, fitted a blade and handle and voila - one peeled apple in just 36 hours. By the way, does anyone else think our "bad boy" looks like one South Australian premier?

  4. Holy fucking hell. Who would wear one of those hats?! I notice they're supposed to be "fringe fun", but I'm guessing it means you can put it over your hair if you've got a nasty do. Or perhaps your whole head if you you've got a festy spot on your nose.

    Oh, and stop making fun of jaded ex-journalists, beyatch! You so owe me a drink for that crack.

  5. I own one of those apple machines, but only because it makes an apple into a slinky and I'm all about novelty food.

    It's exceptionally difficult to use, it took about fifteen minutes to set up and learn how to slinky an apple and not just turn into apple mush when it hits the peeler. On mine you can take away the peeler bit and just have it as a slinky though.

    The skin is the best bit of an apple, why would people want to peel it anyways?

  6. I read this post yesterday and last night dreamt that I had a full set of the marshmallow bowls. I thought you should know.

  7. I want that bad girl hat. Nothing says "bad girl" more than a bright red, oversized, goofy as fuck, hat!