Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S3 E2

As the dust settles on Jaimi's SHOCK DEPARTURE from episode one and Cobi's SHOCK ELIMINATION (well, it wasn't THAT shocking, she DID look like something off The Muppet Show) it's time for another hour of ANTM magic, which this week is kicked off by a Paloma moment - a "Paloment", as I like to call it.

"If she did get eliminated and like, Cassandra and like, Sophie were still here I would have been so, so angry. Cassandra is just wrong altogether."

Um, newsflash Paloma - she DID get eliminated, and like, Cassandra and like, Sophie ARE still there. So does that mean you're like, so, so angry?

We meet Jaimi Mark II, who calls herself Kara. She's 19, comes from NSW and, like Paloma, has a masterful command of the English language.

"Walking in there was like, hell scary," she says.

Paloma offers her opinion on the matter, even though no one asked.

"The new girl seems like, nice and stuff, but she's got waaaaaay too much supehhdechjjje," she garbles, leaving everyone confused as to what Kara supposedly has way too much of. Human kindness? Oxygen in her lungs? Rational thought processes?

"It will be interesting to see who she gets along with."

No prizes for guessing who she WON'T get along with.

Back at the massive model mansion Dagika has taken it upon herself to clean up the massive model mess that's swamping the kitchen. For some reason Cassandra's been on the piss, and Jordan disgustedly labels her "an alcoholic". Cassandra pours herself another vodka.

"I've been drinking all day!" she yells.

Jordan takes some more crazy pills and launches into a rant about accidentally leaving her milo on the bench due to some sort of anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are the new black in model mansion, with at least one of the girls having one every few hours. Talking in a taxi, milo, dropping toast buttered-side down on the floor - anything can set these fragile princesses off.

"There's no way in fucking hell you'd have a panic attack over milo," slurs Cassandra, before she vomits up her last 10 vodka shots, falls over and passes out next to the dishwasher.

"Ooooh she's a bit Lindsay LO-Han!" shrieks Identity from the judges' batcave.

It's the morning after, and Jod-hello has rocked up to have a little chat with the girls.

"We're here to talk about your bodies," she says, seriously.

Alice looks undead. I mean uneasy.

"There's models that make entire careers out of having a fantastic body," Jod-g'day continues.

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME. REALLY? Hard to believe, I know, but Jod-hello assures us it's true, citing Heidi Klum and Elle McPherson as examples. I Googled both of those women and you know what - she's right, they DO seem to make money off having good bodies. Not just a pretty face, our Jodhi.

She introduces Andreas, the girls' new personal trainer who conveniently used to be a model and so is a bit on the cute side. All the girls go gooey for his Ken Doll looks. Danika melts for his "Swedish" accent, which actually is South African. Good one Danika.

"Ok gulls, wir going to chuck your haht ind your wit," he says, worrying several of the girls who don't have any wit at all.

But of course he meant WEIGHT, so all the girls stand on the scales (not together, obviously)(although if they had they might have come up with a figure closer to a normal human weight reading) and get measured up to determine their BMI. Alice has to wait for a bit while the producers source some precision laboratory scales that can weigh her in grams. It is then determined that she has a BMI of 15.3 which, according to this BMI calculator, is totally fine - FOR A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD.

Not surprisingly she has the lowest BMI of all the models, and is presented with a meat tray by Jodhi and Jonathon Pease. Angry Jane gets even angrier that she just missed out with a BMI of 15.6.

"I farken wanted those rissoles," she snarls.

Then Andreas announces he's going to whip them all into shape, and whisks them off to the park for a bit of a run around. Angry Jane is the first to come out with the typical "I eat shit food and don't exercise" model cliche, proving once and for all that she is a complete genetic freak of nature.

"I haven't exercised in like, two years. The most I do is walk from the couch to the fridge."

OH JANE - YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD IS MCDONALDS AND YOU NEVER EXERCISE, YOU ARE SO AWESOME. Yawn.

Andreas tells all the girls to open their packages and get out their strap ons. Pardon? Ohhh a strap on HEART MONITOR, right. Thought for a minute there it was going to get exciting.

Andreas tells them to strap their monitors to their chests. Just in case they've forgotten what a chest is, he helpfully takes off his shirt to remind them.



Helpful, verrrry helpful.


Two minutes of jogging around later and OOPS! Panic attack! Good thing too, it was getting overdue. For the second time this episode it's Jordan, who is gradually turning out to be wackier than Paloma.

And for the second Aphex Twin Come to Daddy reference in as many weeks, I give you Jordan:


Tell me you see it too.


Anika the Dag is the only one of the models with an ounce of fitness, and happily jogs around with sexy Andreas while the other girls sprawl under a tree, panting and wheezing like a bunch of pensioners. I hereby declare Anika my favourite model.

Next the models are shuffled off to a yoga studio, which they wrongly assume will mean an hour of relaxing meditation for them. They're actually there for a bit of Bikram, otherwise known as "pulling ridiculous poses covered in sweat in a bloody hot room".

"OH MY GOD IT SMELLS," scowls Paloma in her usual polite, well-mannered way.


THIS one's going in the portfolio.


Presumably the producers thought that getting a bunch of models to perspire together would make for some sexy television. They were wrong.


Hip bones you can slice cheese on.


Back at the mansion there's a Jodhi Mail waiting for them, which for some reason contains a quote by Frank Zappa.

"Beauty knows no pain, so what you crying about girl?" it says.

I would have preferred this one:
"I have a message to deliver to the cute people of the world - if you're cute, or maybe you're beautiful, there's more of us ugly motherfuckers out there than you are, so watch out."

But oh well.

The girls then discover a bikini waxer in their loungeroom, who promises to give them all Brazilians. Predictably enough all the girls mince about as if this is the SCARIEST THING THEY'VE EVER HAD TO DO OMG WTF!!11!ONEONEELEVEN and we are treated to a good 5 minutes of footage of screwed up faces and squeals, not to mention this classy shot.


The definition of "too much information".


Then it's time to head off to this week's challenge, and DING! DING! DING! Time for a panic attack! This time it's taken care of by Paloma, who is refusing to get out of bed because someone told someone else a secret and they didn't tell her. Or something. She's crying, anyway, but that's practically a given. Hurrah, another Paloment!

"WHY IS EVERYONE ANGRY AT ME? I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!" she screams through her tears as everyone wonders what the hell is going on exactly.

After regaining her composure, Paloma sums up the situation nicely: "I have a bad way of coping with things." Nicely said.

As a result of all this helpful self-analysis all the models are two hours late to the challenge, which doesn't really seem to bother anyone. Perhaps because the challenge is a totally concocted bit of toss in a Foxtel backlot somewhere for some fashion label no one's ever heard of that only Foxtel staff have been invited to. Perhaps.

Actually I'm wrong, it's a totally concocted bit of toss for a LINGERIE label no one's ever heard of. The label's spokesperson reveals the HIGHLY ORIGINAL plan to get the girls to strike poses on podiums "like pieces of art" while party guests mill around them. How very America's Next Top Model cycle ALL.

As the girls get lingeried, haired and make-upped, Pease Porridge pulls Cassandra the Bush Moll aside for a bit of a chat - apparently she's been sneaking out at night to root her boyfriend in the bushes.

"I thought a model's life was just all photos, sleeping in and partying," she says despondently.

"I've realised being a baker is so much easier."

Yeah - getting up at 3am to make dough and slaving in frnot of a hot oven for hours is way easier than getting your makeup done and standing in front of a camera for a bit before walking away with thousands of dollars. I can see why she's disappointed.

Speaking of Pease - I know I've said this before but seriousy. Franz Ferdinand.


Well do ya, do ya do ya wanna get your makeup done?



Soon they're all ready to go and the models spill out into the party to take up their positions on the podiums. They have to hold a giant picture frame and pose creatively with it. Some poses work, others don't.


Hmm.


Cassandra clearly thinks she's still in the Bikram class as she gets down on all fours, straddles the frame and sticks her leg out, causing her to sweat profusely. She sweats so much that a party guest begins fanning her with the catalogue.


WTF?


Not surprisingly, this pose is labelled "unflattering". Although not quite as unflattering as this one:


Dear God.


Sophie manages to make her brand new Brazilian more of a talking point than the lingerie, prompting Pease to label the effort "A bit disappointing."

"NOT FROM THIS ANGLE!" someone shouts off screen.

Paloma sticks a finger in her mouth and does her best men's mag impression, which earns much kudos from the judges. Paloma later gushes about how it's easy for her to hold a pose because she has good balance. It may be the only time in her life she'll be praised for being a balanced individual.

Steph H wins the challenge and scores $1000 worth of lingerie, which probably equates to half a bra. For the life of me I can't understand why Alice didn't win.


Ohhh THAT'S right.


Back to the mansion and it's time for this week's DUD BOYFRIEND CALL! This time Cassandra steps up to the plate.
Cassandra: "It came out that I sneak out and shit like that."
Boyfriend: "Roolly?"

C: "Yeah they do know that I saw you as well. And they do know we had sex."

B: "Roolly?"

C: "They were gunna kick me out."

B: "Roolly?"

Yup, roolly. Then there's another Jodhi Mail with yet another cryptic quote, this time from Hippocrates (or if you're Danika, "Hippo-krayts"), which commands the girls to cook a whole baked snapper and salad.

Danika declares the fish "feral" and then decides the fresh chives "smell like dirty socks", so clearly she's one of those girls who lives on Vegemite sandwiches and tinned spaghetti. I HATE those girls. I do not like Danika.

Anika complains that Paloma isn't joining in the fun fish-cooking party, and that all the girls are disappointed. I can understand why - it would have been the perfect opportunity to accidentally get her hair caught in the food disposal or stab her with a fish knife. Never mind.

The trademark ANTM emotional guitar music starts playing and we see Alice in her bedroom looking forlorn, so we know something along the lines of "I'm a self harmer" or "I really miss my mum" is about to transpire.

"It's really hard, coming here..." she starts, as expected, "...because I'm not used to having to cook and the other girls aren't either."

WHAT THE HELL? Not knowing how to cook does NOT require the emotional guitar music, ANTM producers! She continues:

"It's a lot easier to reach for the chocolate bars and the cake and the puddings in the fridge," she says.

DOUBLE WHAT THE HELL? Firstly - I'd be surprised if Alice has ever been within three feet of a chocolate bar in her life, and secondly - what the FUCK are chocolates, cakes and PUDDINGS doing in their bloody fridge anyway? I HATE THESE GIRLS THAT CAN EAT THIS CRAP AND STILL LOOK HOT. THEY SHOULD ALL DIE. Except Anika, she's cool.

Moving on, it's the 57th Jodhi Mail for this episode and this time she's outdone herself with a quote from Wittgenstein. Of course all the models are extremely excited at this, and launch into a lengthy discussion about transcendentality and the philosophy of mind which only ends when Paloma screams "WE CAN'T MEANINGFULLY DISCUSS THAT WHICH WE CAN'T EXPRESS!" Everyone agrees. Cassandra has another vodka.

Later, Paloma tells everyone she has depression and anxiety, so they shouldn't take it personally when she calls them a fucking size 16 derro. This basically gives her a license to be a bitch for the entire series. Excellent. Stephanie commends her for being brave and gives her a hug, prompting someone to yell out "Awwww GROUP HUG EVERYONE!"

No one joins in.

Then it's off to the shoot - a big, fat ad for Jod-hello's swimwear label Tigerlily. It's a pity, then, that Alice has dressed for a Heroin Junkies Anonymous meeting in the Alps.


Australia's Most Wanted is possibly more appropriate..


The girls pour themselves into more spandex and lycra, while Pease coos more ANTM cliches like "I think it's FIERCE". But then Jordan orders an iced coffee.

"WHO ORDERED THIS? Do you think that's a good decision before a shoot?" he barks.

"I wasn't going to eat the cream," she whimpers.

"Right, this is confiscated," he snaps and whisks the offending beverage away to pour down Alice's feeding tube.

So, the photo shoot: Anika looks hot as hell in a red gingham bikini (and believe me, that's difficult) and Jod-hello proclaims her as having "a body built for sin"; Stephanie does a shit job and has to be reshot; Steph H rocks the house and sends Joh-hello into rapture; Paloma thrashes about like she's on ecstasy; everyone else is boring.

And it's back to the mansion and YET ANOTHER JODHI MAIL, this time with a totally random quote from Matt Stone and Trey Parker that has absolutely nothing to do with South Park or ANTM and is therefore completely irrelevant. Hopefully Jod-hello's obsession with the Big Book of Quotes she got for Christmas will have worn off by the next episode and we won't have to suffer this anymore.

Paloma shows her total lack of self-awareness by saying "Everyone's hoping it will be Cassandra that leaves". Ahh, sweet, sweet denial.

In the judging room we get the usual palaver about the prizes and yada yada yada, and Identity Dawson does her best Ozzy Osbourne impression:


Spot the difference.


She busts out a bit of Sabbath on air guitar but before she gets to her finale of biting the head off a bat, it's time for YET ANOTHER GOD DAMN CHALLENGE.

Although given all the girls have to do is put on a pair of jeans and "pose" in them, it hardly seems much of a challenge at all. In fact it's utterly unexciting, until Sophie spontaneously rips her top off and shows everyone her boosies, prompting Jod-hello to strip Anika of her "every man's fantasy" title and bestow it on Le Soph.

Then it's time for the individual evaluations: Paloma gives her "depression and anxiety" song one more go for the judges, then has a cry; Anika looks awesomely awesomicious but that doesn't stop the judges criticising her hands (yeah, cos she's wearing a bikini and everyone's looking at her HANDS); Identity tells Steph her photo doesn't even look like her which is GREAT; Alice, surprisingly, looks amazing; and ultimately Identity is disappointed that none of the photos sucked.

Identity Dawson and Mr Perry have another bizarre exchange a la the first episode in which Dawson made a joke about "turkey neck" which no one got.

"I swear there's something in those eyes," Dawson says about Cassandra.
"As long as there's something in those THIGHS!" cracks Perry, and everyone laughs.

What?

And then it's time for the execution - Paloma scowls in disbelief as she is shafted to the bottom two with Cassandra, the fat size 16 derro.

"Cassandra, you're full of warmth and spunk," Jod-g'day says.

We all want her to continue "Paloma, you're full of shit" but she doesn't, instead she gives Cassandra the arse, sending the bush moll back to her Emu Creek bakery.

Time for a drink - it's what Cassandra would have wanted.

---

Go back to EPISODE ONE ... or go on to EPISODE THREE...



15 comments :

  1. Paloma was always going to be clearly safe until the haircutting episode when she will hopefully freak the fuck out.

    So far the only thing I'm really liking about this season is the judging warehouse. That set is cool. The girls are a bit annoying, and it seems so laboured and fake. I mean moreso. I mean, blowing up Jordan for having a coffee? Whatever, faux-bitchy homo.

    I do quite like Jordan and, oddly, Jane.

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  2. Wait - where are your abusive comments from all the models' friends? I'm getting a bunch for my 'Ready... Set... SCRAG!' post. I'm wearing the accusation that I'm a 'maingy dog' (sic) with true pride.

    Brilliant post Pet.

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  3. Love it. I'm housesitting until next Monday and the house I'm in has Foxtel, after which I shall be without ANTM so your recaps will be all I have to keep me going.

    Gah. Paloma. HATE.

    I was very sad to see the derro moll leave. I was hoping to see a punch-on at some point. You know it would have happened eventually.

    Urgh, Pease looks like a Ken doll.

    [/random]

    Keep up the good work. :)

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  4. Jo - are you seriously getting hate mail from the models' friends? I wonder why I have been spared... Maybe it's my talent for constructive criticism (cough cough)

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  5. They'll find you. They're wily little buggers with high disposable income and Daddy's modem. They'll find you.

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  6. "Cassandra, you're full of warmth and spunk," Jod-g'day says.

    Heh, full of spunk. Stating the obvious. Isn't that why she was kicked out?

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  7. Even if I was still living in Australia I wouldn't watch it, but the recaps are strangely compelling.
    Have a friend in LA who edited the first few series of 'America's Top Model', she showed us a few bits of it. Caught between wanting to slap them or hand them some carbs, probably both.

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  8. Thank you for explaining why I wouldn't watch that show for 10 seconds.

    I came here because I read about you in the Melbourne Age today - Dan Silkstone, in The Blogs That Ate Cyberspace says that post is very amusing.

    It was certainly better than the show.
    He came here via link at Jabberwocky

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  9. I was just about to comment re: the article...!

    I crossposted it here .

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  10. On the right side of the page is a list of about 50 other blogs she endorses. I think about choosing Lady Pirates but instead select Jabberwocky, which transports me to an account of a recent trip to Teotihuacan, Mexico: "I've quit my job, kissed my boy goodbye and I'm off … on the other side of the world."

    From the list of recommended blogs, I opt for Bland Canyon — "ravings and whingeing from a 26-year-old girl who spends far too much time surfing the interweb and watching TV".
    "
    Here I find a surprisingly funny dissection of the TV show Next Top Model as well as an amusing summary of the junk mail in the writer's mailbox. From Bland Canyon I jump again, via the recommended list to Much Ado about Sumthin, "Gobsmackingly banal rantings, of a vapid, attention seeking, famewhore". Said famewhore writes vividly about coming home from a weekend wedding to find her cousin asleep on her couch and vomit all over her bed. Suddenly I wish I'd chosen the lady pirates."

    Congrats!

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  11. Yay for The Age!!!

    mskp: If you mean Nikki Taylor then I'm worried about Paloma's safety in those taxis...

    Dawei: I can't WAIT for the haircutting episode. Usually they do that shit in ep 1 to weed out the girls from the GRRRRRLS. I can't WAIT for Paloma to get a pixie cut or an afro or something.

    Anonymous: Thanks for stopping by and enjoying!

    Jo: No nasty messages yet. Frowny face.

    Jusy Jay: I wish I'd thought of that line.

    CoazlCoatl: You got to see UNCUT ANTM? Oh pleeeease say there were some hilarious off-camera moments - like Miss Jay cracking open a coldie and letting his gut hang out when he thinks no one's watching. Or something like that.

    Goawayplease: Thanks for making the effort to find me after reading The Age. Pretty excited to be in there!

    Ms Smack & Enny: Yay me! :) How bizarre, though.

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  12. I'm not going to bother watching anymore. I'll just read your recaps. They're way more entertaining than the show.
    Oh, and please post hate mail, WITH the return addresses. Kthanx.

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  13. Andreas is Swedish not south african though he used to live in NZ hence the weird accent.

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  14. Hey Petstarr,

    Congrats on being in The Age on Saturday (which takes me 4 days to read, hence the late comment.)

    The author of the article didn't seem to think much of your employer, though...

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  15. omg i am not usually an angry person but DANIKA f**kin pisses me off.. that bitch should be gone already.. her jaw is wider than her hips.. and she is so cocky, "oohh im the best at runway" then she doesnt win the runway competition and goes and has a cry, get over it you dumb, hideous beast!!!

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