Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: S3 E3

I feel I must preface this week’s wrap up with a warning: We might be losing our precious Paloma. Yes, our little girl might be slipping away…. More on that later. I’m just warning you in advance, so you won’t be too shocked later on.

So, we kick off this week's episode, as always, with a flashback to last week's elimination, in which bushie baker Cassandra was sent back to boganville while Queen Paloma settled in for a nice nap on her laurels. But not before making sure everyone knows SHE knows she's awesome.

"I knew that I was staying, and if I wasn't then this obviously would be a competition I wouldn't want to be in," she says.

This philosophy is in keeping with Paloma's habit of only entering competitions she is guaranteed to win, such as “Biggest Bitch 2005" and the "Most Striking Likeness to a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel Award".

But enough musing on the past, let's get into it: It's morning, and Jod-hello and Pease Porridge have rocked up at model mansion at 8.12am, which obviously in model land is the equivalent of 3am as all the girls stagger out of bed looking like extras from Dawn of the Dead.

Jod-hello barks that being a model is "all about being a model 24-7!" and my heart leaps at the thought of Pease springing a photo shoot on them RIGHT NOW in their K mart pyjamas with drool on their faces. But alas, no. Instead, this meddling duo demands to inspect all their toe and fingernails, tut-tutting at any bitten nails or dodgy polish. Jod-g'day almost has a fit when she sees a bruise on Angry Jane's big toe.

"You know what you'd have to do? You'd have to go get an acrylic toenail, AS A MODEL," she frets.

"If you were modelling a hot pair of Manolo Blahniks, it's like, so disrespectful to Manolo not to have a pedicure."

Paloma smirks and for once, I agree with her. Jod-hello then takes off her shoes to give everyone a good old look at her PERFECT FEET. The models are suitably unexcited. Who can blame them?

And suddenly it's the moment we've all been waiting for - Pease Porridge announces they're all off to the (ad) GHD SALON (/ad), meaning TEARS, PANIC ATTACKS AND SHOCKING NEW HAIRCUTS ARE IMMINENT. WOO!

First cab off the rank is Sophie; Pease asks her to describe her look.

"Um, natural?" she says.

"Yeah, we'd like to take you further towards Elle McPherson," says Pease.

So, a 40-something has-been, then? Great. Much better than just boring old "natural".

Pease announces Angry Jane is going to get a Sarah O'Hare style pixie-cut, and no one knows what he means considering she doesn't HAVE a pixie cut. But hey, score one for the Murdochs.

Next up is Danika, who is to be Nicky Hilton.

"Alriiiight..." she says.

"Does that scare you?" asks Pease excitedly.

"No...." she says.

Scared? More like confused. What kind of celebrity do is that? Who the fuck knows what Nicky Hilton looks like? Who cares?

Pease then announces Alice is to be Gwyneth Paltrow-ish, Steph F is to become Cameron Diaz, Kara will be Jennifer Aniston, Jordan will become Gisele Bundchen... It becomes quite obvious at about this time that Pease is just picking random celebrities with vaguely the same hair as the models already have. The hairdresser offers to do Pease's like one of the members of Franz Ferdinand, but then realises that's already been taken care of.



Celebrity do? Check.


Clearly NO ONE will get a radical haircut this season.

But then along comes Anika (my favourite model with the E cup bazoingas) and Pease tells her she's in for "a really drastic change". WOO! What will it be? A buzz cut? An afro? Tattooed-on hair in a houndstooth pattern?

"It's going red," says Pease.

Red? Wow. How exciting. Yawn.

But don't fret, gentle reader, there's always Paloma. Surely we'll get some panic attack action with this one.

"We need to pull back the curtain Paloma is hiding behind," says Pease.

Her face drains as he thrusts a magazine into her face - on the cover is a girl with the kind of hairdo that makes people say "G'day mate, how can I help you tod…oh, sorry MISS...how embarrassing."

We immediately cut to Paloma on the street, freaking out, stream-of-consciousness style:
"THEY'RE CUTTING THE WHOLE THING it's gonna be like THIS I'm gonna have no hair they showed me a picture and oh my gooooood no I knew they were going to do that leave me to last and then do the most drastic thing to me!"

Yeah, we all knew too, MATE.

Surprisingly though, Miss P doesn’t cry ONCE, OR throw a hissy when the big snip snips go cutty-cut. In fact, she’s more normal and likeable than ever. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE? IS OUR LITTLE GIRL GROWING UP? Where the hell’s Jordan? We need some crazy up in here.

Instead we cut (har har, I am so punny) to Alice-rexia who is frustrated that her “Gwyneth Paltrow” look isn’t giving her “a drastic change”. Um, Alice? Want a drastic change? EAT DINNER.

Pease asks her what she’d rather have, and Alice shrugs.

“Just something differenter,” she mews. Then cries at her appalling lack of basic English.

As a side note – Alice-rexia does tend to whine. A LOT. Her face is permanently like this:




Still, if you subsisted on oxygen and the occasional Vita Weat you’d probably be pissed off too.

Cut to Paloma, whose new hair is HOT HOT HOT. Smoking hot in fact. It’s a funky, shagged-up short do, and she looks awesome. Damn that scrag, I’m starting to like her. She spends the next few hours tossing her head and smiling at herself in the mirror. Yes, smiling. No, I didn’t think it was possible either.

“They cut off all my hair and I feel like all my baggage and all my shit is gone,” she squeals.

Good god – I pity the poor leukaemia kiddie that gets Paloma’s offcuts. They’ll need years of therapy after donning that psycho wig.

Despite her whingeing, Alice-rexia looks quite lovely with her new copper tresses. It’s nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow, but then again, she did want something “more differenter” so that’s ok. Anika’s dye job isn’t nearly as good – she looks like a rebellious teenager who's spent her last $5 on a box of Napro Livecolour and dyed her hair in the school toilets. Clearly Angry Jane joined her, as she’s sporting an atrocious mahogany coloured 80s crew cut straight from Top Gun. Which obviously now makes her GI Jane. Vive les new nicknames! Meanwhile, Pease knows he actually has the best hairdo.



Oh yeah.


After all of this hair fun, Sophie (the one who likes to get her tits out at eliminations to remind the judges that she’s edgy and bohemian) confesses that she’s “kinda getting over Steph H”, because she’s an “attention seeking cocky little snotty … I dunno.” Clearly the models have been studying their dictionaries lately - the vocabulary featured this week has been nothing short of impressive.

This is followed by a bitch session in the car in which Sophie, GI Jane and various others whinge about having to compete with “the underagers” who are SO IMMATURE OMG WTF!!1oneoneeleven11!

“If only they could just be, I dunno, more differenter,” says Alice-rexia.

Back at model mansion there’s another J-Mail waiting for them, and obviously Jod-hello is up to ‘L’ in her Big Book of Quotes, as this time there’s a random quote about beauty from Martin Luther. As per last week’s wrap up, I’d like to offer an alternative Martin Luther quote I’d rather she’d have used:
“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Anyway, the models are scurried off to Napoleon Perdis’ makeup salon for their “style challenge”, which is ironic because many of them are rather style challenged already. THEY ALL WIN! Actually no, Napoleon wins:



This man is an authority on beauty.


Napoleon tells the models that makeup is all about “telling a story”, before systematically shooting down each of the girls’ own efforts, including the memorable line “Steph, that’s too much eyeliner. If you turned up like that I’d think ‘she’s some Bulgarian yodeller trying too hard’.”

Everyone resists the urge to tell Napoleon he looks like some Bulgarian weightlifter trying too hard.

However, none of this puts GI Jane off, who blurts out “I LOVE Napoleon. I would MARRY him he’s so farken funny.” Everyone resists the urge to tell her…. Oh never mind.

Then it’s time for the STYLE CHALLENGE in which the models each have 15 minutes to grab clothes and do their hair and makeup before being judged by Pease, the resident style guru.

“Everyone was just rush, rush, rush, and it was really hard to remember things while everyone was running around,” whinges Sophie.

Clothes, hair makeup. I can see how that would have been difficult to remember.

While Anika decides to bring her girls along to judging in an unfortunately low cut dress…



Yep, they’re E cups alright.


Steph H completely freaks out and tries on every piece of clothing in the room, ultimately leaving herself 90 clear seconds to do her hair and makeup. Who needs makeup? It’s not as though Napoleon Perdis is going to judge you on how you applied it or anything. Oh, hang on…

Alice-rexia comes out in the usual boho-vintage lace number she wears all the time and puts on her whingey face again when the judges criticise her for not trying something new.

“I was very happy with my look,” she says.
“It was very me. That might have been part of the problem.”

Sigh. Sometimes I don’t even have to make this shit up.

GI Jane looks awesome in opaque stockings and a kicky little spotted dress, which she is obviously proud of.

“I felt like I looked like the biggest wank stain, but I thought that was probably the look that Jonathon wanted me to go for," she enthuses.

Seriously, I don’t even have to try anymore.

Paloma has come up with a bizarre look of cowboy boots and white overalls over a black t shirt.

“There’s a story there, I get it, I want to know more,” gushes Pease.

Clearly the story is about a nomadic cowgirl housepainter who roams from town to town, offering her services to those in need. It would be called Paloma, Get Your Paintbrush.

Pease decries Steph H’s makeup-less fashion statement as making her look like “the town virgin”. She cries. Sophie the bitch gloats. So does GI Jane.

“It was cool to see her fuck up today,” she says, sympathetically.

Paloma and GI Jane are declared the winners, and their prize is to attend a red carpet event at some “infamous celebrity hang out” that no one’s ever heard of. This requires them to go shopping for some swishy new dresses, which Jane is clearly unimpressed by.



”My little brother and I need to buy some formal attire, can you help?”.


Paloma turns the cute up to 11 and gushes about getting to “brush shoulders” with A listers at the event. I am disturbed at how normal she’s being. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER?

Meanwhile the “losers” back at model mansion are told they have to help cater the event, and are given a swag of slutty ye-olde-wild-west prostitute costumes to wear. So – they get to strut around in underwear and have first access to the food and drink? I think I know who’s going to have more fun at this shindig.

The venue, called Ruby Rabbit, is ultra classy – it looks like a dressed up Hog’s Breath Café with underwear hanging from the ceiling. The models rock up and the lone, Foxtel-paid paparazzo starts flashing his camera to make them feel important.

“It made me feel famous,” gushes Paloma.
“I mean, I’m famous in Newcastle, but that doesn’t matter.”

Was that a cute, self-deprecating joke? Jesus – someone stop this woman, we’re losing her altogether!

Jordan squeals about all the celebrities she got to meet, including Miss Australia, “some surf guy” and OMG! JONATHON PEASE!!11!

“We were introduced to sooooo many people,” she says.
“I got to meet Krystle off Big Brother with big tits”.

She ACTUALLY says this. COME ON ANTM producers, you’re making this too easy...

Speaking of like, um, like, um, Krystle - it would appear from this shot in ANTM that she may have stacked it on a little since leaving the BB house. Scuse me for feeling smug about that.



And is that a NIPPLE?


Back at model mansion and there’s another love letter from Jod-hello instructing them to get to some random photo studio for another shoot. This time the girls are to do a beauty shot, which usually means they get to wear not much makeup and stare dreamily into the camera.

“I’m not sure if they want us to be happy…or sad…they mentioned dreamy so I’ll have to work with that,” ponders Alice-rexia.

Or whingey. You could try whingey.

“I’ve seen a lot of personalities in Jane over the weeks – who will we get today?” asks Pease of GI Jane.

“Who would you like?” she responds.

“The lady,” he says, flatly.

She is crushed that he didn’t request the knife-wielding psycho killer she’s been practising lately. She does some typically angry shots for the camera, but then Pease tells her to “visualise a crush she has back home” to soften her face a bit. He positively explodes with delight at the resulting “softness” she evokes.



One is angry, one is soft. Spot the difference.


Beauty shoot in a nutshell: Alice-rexia looks lovely; Steph F looks angry but cute (prompting Paloma to run over afterwards squealing “You looked soooo good!” – WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO OUR PALOMA?); Paloma SMILES for the camera (even Pease looks confused); Jordan gives up her iced coffee for blueberries and stains her teeth and lips purple, prompting Pease to have a total breakdown and Jordan to shout out the best ANTM quote so far: “FUCKING BLUEBERRIES!”; Kara is boring and Pease shows off his comedy skills by quipping “The next time I go to New York, I’m actually not going to take sleeping pills – I’m going to take Kara, COS I RECKON I’D GET A FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP!” Zing!



Seriously, I don't know what's gotten into her...


And then it’s time to head to the elimination warehouse, where old models are crushed up in machines and manufactured into boxes, sort of like that shredder in Mannequin.

And because we haven’t had enough CHALLENGES this week, it’s time for ANOTHER CHALLENGE, which this time involves telling Napoleon Perdis how his makeup makes you feel.

“Significantly poorer,” would have been an apt response, I feel, but alas, all the models go for trite little taglines about feeling like a woman and being beautiful yada yada yada.

Except for GI Jane, who gets straight to the point with “I fucken love Napoleon Perdis cosmetics.” The judges laugh uproariously. Napoleon proposes.

The second greatest ANTM quote is born in this segment too, when boring Kara’s attempt at appearing funny and flirty falls horribly flat.

“Napoleon Perdis makes me feel like a real model, even when I’m in my trackies,” she giggles, a lame comment that is accompanied by complete silence and a few tumbleweeds rolling through the studio.

“You know, you’ve got great legs,” says Napoleon.

Zing!

Paloma gets a temporary pass back on the crazy train and does a little dance, singing about how Napoleon makes her “fee-ee-eel beee-ayyy-oooo-tiful!”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PALOMA?” shrieks Identity Dawson.

A very good question. But an even better one would be WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I’m thinking David Bowie, this week.



She’s taking those eyebrows for granted.


And actually, she does a striking impression of Danika:



Well, DUH.


The judges deliberate over the photos, which are by and large pretty awful – Paloma looks bung-eyed, Steph F looks angry and confused, Jane looks like a dead fish, Danika looks like a deader fish, and Jordan looks like Paris Hilton and Steven Tyler’s love child. They make a decision, and Mr Perry’s not happy – why, are they voting HIM off? COULD THEY?

Alas, no, it’s goodbye to boring Kara, although it’s not clear whether she’s aware, as she grins inanely while Jordan cries. Again.



So, who's going this week exactly?

---

Go back to EPISODE TWO... or go on to EPISODE FOUR...



18 comments :

  1. Several disjointed points:

    What do you mean red isn't exciting? Hrrmph. Red is ALWAYS exciting. Unless it's on Gwynneth Paltry.

    Napoleon Whatsisname spends more time on his eyebrows than I do. And, by the lascivious look on his porky little face, also more time thinking about cock, but that's beside the point.

    The E-cups look like one espresso and one cappucino, from that angle.

    Doesn't every gal long to look like a wank stain? I know that's the look I have in mind when I dress in the morning.

    Yes, that does look like a nipple. A hideously overtanned one, but a nipple nonetheless.

    GI Jane looks like Ben Mendelsohn while Paloma pulls off an excellent like a Stepford Wife. Do you think she's been substituted for a femmebot?

    And, last but not least, don't you think that Kara looks like a certain little personality vacuum who got your old job when you did't want it nomore?

    OK, seven, not several. But at least They start with the same letters.

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  2. Sorry, that would be "an excellent Stepford Wife". Mehh. I've had a shite day.

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  3. Sorry Redcap - red IS exciting, but not AS exciting as a buzz cut. Or a mohawk. Or dreadlocks. Or ANYTHING.

    Re: The Ben Mendehlson call - that is spot on. Brilliant stuff! Could also be Noah Taylor, at a stretch.

    As for Paloma being substituted by a fembot - highly likely. It's the only logical explanation for how she's suddenly gotten so nice. Unless the film editor who hated her guts was suddenly taken ill and the rest of the series was cut more sympathetically by someone who actually liked her. WHO IS THE REAL PALOMA? We may never know.

    As to how often Napoleon thinks about cock I've no idea. I'm sure he thinks about poultry just the same amount as everyone else.

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  4. Somebody PLEASE replace Paloma's lithium with sugar pills - I want my psycho bitch back.

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  5. I agree, Jo. Unless Jordan puts on her crazy boots and laces them up REAL GOOD we might not get to see any more panic attacks for the rest of the season. There wasn't even ONE this episode! For shame!

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  6. In the whole wide world, is there another head of an international cosmetics company who looks like a pensioned-off Bulgarian weightlifter? Pet you are so right.

    Another thing: if the winner becomes 'the face of Napoleon Perdis' (will certainly be an improvement on his present one), has anyone spotted Gemma the manic depressive who won last year's ANTM in any NP ads or promotions? Or in ANY modelling gig? Or is she still in rehab?

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  7. This is easily my favourite show at the moment, purely because of these wrap ups!

    I was so disappointed in Paloma, why does she has to go and be all human now, she was doing such a wonderful job of being a painful teen angst queen. I particularly like how having her hair cut got rid of "all her baggage and all her shit", as a middle class, 16 year old from Newcastle, I imagine she is just swimming in things to have baggage about.

    I still love Alice the most, she seems to be the only girl who cries at least once an episode but on one seems to notice. I don't know why they don't just take her out of the competition and fly her straight to Paris or Milan, she needs no work at all, except maybe a good thickshake and a donut.

    Can't wait for next week!

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  8. So, Gemma won series one of AusNTM, not the last series - she has been, well, nowhere to be seen, except to be confused with Gemma Ward on the vogue.com.au blog! Outrageous! As for the last AusNTM cycle winner, Eboni (charming monosyllabic lass from Tassie), she was last seen being tossed out of the Phoenix nightclub in Oxford St for being in some scrag fight - and let me tell you, that place is REALLY hard to get chucked out of! BTW, PetStarr's ANTM reviews are super - let they never be differenter!

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  9. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you: Mail Order Gemma! http://www.ezibuy.com.au/Womens/Urban.html
    There. In the middle. Being a bit shit.

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  10. So Gemma's scored some catalogue work. Classy! Well worth suffering through 14 weeks of meltdowns in the model house. You can see she's working with some top photographers... Love that disembodied arm seemingly reaching out of the brick wall.

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  11. Petstarr, are you aware of the search for the next Pussycat Doll? Two episodes have already been on but I think they could be really improved with your searing observations!!

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  12. The Jump the Shark website now has a recommendation for your incisive blog for all ANTM viewers interested in reading about a show far far funnier than the US original.

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  13. Just.. Awesome..

    I'm glad that someone else thinks that it is the height of irony that someone as.. well.. bleah.. as Napoleon Perdis is the authority on what looks good.

    He's beyond any help that makeup would give him.

    And redheads are the best! My finace is a readhead.

    Looking forward to the next recap!

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  14. Dear Blog Bird

    Since I don't watch this show, can you please just print the screen caps of all E cup shenanigans on Bland Canyon to prevent me missing out on modular titilation?

    Takk.

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  15. Jo - is that REALLY our Generic Gemma? How ever did you find that?

    Anonymous - I wish I had started blogging America's Next Top Slut when it started, as it's turned out to be even more entertaining than ANTM. But now we're three episodes in and I don't feel I can do justice to the complex plot lines and in-depth charaterisation that form the basis of the show.

    Anonymous II - Woo! Does this mean the BC has finally jumped the shark??

    Jake the Peg - Love your name, arrr! Much better than Napoleon.

    Scootikins - I'm sure there'll be much more "e cup action" in the next few episodes, so stick around.

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  16. Now I know I am a mere straight male, and there's much we straight males don't understand about what makes young women look good, but I happen to think Kara was about the hottest thing this series had. Those long long legs and short short dresses. Someone this easy on the eye is never boring.

    Fish

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  17. Paloma is most definitely, like, famous in Newcastle...you know how there's always that one year 7 (grade 7 if you're Rove) girl with D-cups? Yup, Paloma. Pride of Newcastle.

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