"Give in to the moment... I FEEE-EEEL THE CHAY-AAAYYYYYYYNGE..."
As the strains of whatever the hell song that is fill the air, and images of girls we'll never hear from again are flashed up on the screen (hello Cobi, Cassandra, Kara) we're back (albeit several days late) at the start of another action-packed episode of ANTM. GAME ON! Or whatever stupid phrase they're using this year.
The girls have all been told to wear their "best dress" and gather in a movie theatre somewhere on the Fox Studios backlot. Jod-hello has clearly not got the dress memo, as she rocks up in a wine coloured toga style gown (ew, soooo 90s) that makes her look like an extra from the Athens Olympics bid performance.
"I've brought you here because I want you to experience some of the hottest models in the world," she says.
They're going to "experience" some hot models? Just as we're all pondering exactly what KIND of theatre this is, Jod-hello ruins the fantasies of teenage boys everywhere by announcing they'll be watching videos of models STRUTTING on the catwalk. Ahhhh. THAT kind of experience.
Luckily, smart Sophie explains the situation again for anyone who's still confused.
"I think Jodhi took us to the cinema to give us all a big smack in the face," she says.
Again - exactly WHAT theatre is this? Never mind, the videos have started, and all the girls watch random excerpts of Fashion TV while nodding and furrowing their brows to look like they're really FEELING it. Despite having a face like a fish, Danika proclaims that she can definitely see herself on the international runway, no problems at all, cos she has an amazing walk and runway is her THING, man.
So is looking like a fish.
Speaking of looking like things, I'm finally beginning to see the Rex-icelli / Gwyneth Paltrow thing now.
Not married to Chris Martin. Yet.
Jod-hello gives the usual wank about runway being hard work and how difficult it is to walk and breathe at the same time, and sends them off to see a "catwalk coach" called Mink.
They arrive in a studio that is doing a very good impression of a firetrap, with red velvet on the walls and candles and incense burning in every available corner. It looks like an S&M parlour, and we soon discover why: Put a whip in her hand and handcuffs in the other, and Mink could be Madame Lash.
Oh, sorry hon - did I get you blinking? Let's try another one...
Whoops! Not your lucky day, is it, pet?
"Hello LADIES," she says, while simultaneously raising an eyebrow and looking down her nose at everyone.
"She's definitely attractive," says Paloma, in that slightly retarded five-year-old voice she's developed lately.
"For someone who's 30, she's amazing."
"You're gunna get up on this runway and you're gunna blow me away," Mink rasps.
"You've got 10 seconds to show me what you've got - if you don't have it, don't bother getting up."
Surprisingly, all the models actually DO get up (I think Fishika could have stayed seated, personally) and begin to strut their stuff. Mink's job as "catwalk coach" seems to be to stand at the end of the runway and bark abuse at them, which she does.
"Don't clomp. NEXT! You look really bored, darl. You look dead in the face. NEXT! Like a pony! Windmill arms! Don't stomp, I HATE that. You look vacuous. You look dead. NEXT!"
The abuse session over, the girls slump, defeated, on the studio floor while Mink continues to berate them for not delivering the goods on the catwalk.
"I'm going to introduce you to someone who OWNS the catwalk," she spits.
Oh no, the owner? Will she be pissed off about the scratch marks? But no, it turns out Mink was just being creatively FIERCE with language, as out comes supermodel LAUREN G!
Come on everyone - LAUREN G! Lauren G? Anyone?
Well anyway, apparently "G" has "one of the best walks in the industry" (you think YOU can walk from A to B - watch THIS chick), which she demonstrates to the girls. Actually, she demonstrates a whole variety of walks, including "The Naomi Campbell" (in which you knock someone unconscious with a mobile phone half way down the runway), "The Heidi Klum" (in which you marry an ugly 90s pop star half way down the runway) and "The Pony" (in which you take a crap half way down the runway).
All the while, Mink continues to bark on about how difficult it is to master walking up and down a long plank.
"Some designers will say 'I want smiles', some will say 'I don't want you to smile', some will say 'I want you to pout', some will say 'I don't', so you need to change your WALK in accordance to what the designer wants to project," screams Mink.
Not sure how you're getting YOUR walk to pout and smile Mink, but perhaps we don't want to know. Pease appears and announces a Zoolander style catwalk-off, in which the models must adopt two distinct "walks" - "sexy gypsy"...
... and "street creature".
Catwalk off in a nutshell: Anika draws gasps of admiration from the judges; Paloma nails the street creature thing by looking drunk and/or stoned and confused; Alice is criticised for having her legs too far apart. Insert humourous line here. Sophie is ranked at the bottom of the pile, Danika at the top. Paloma is pissed off, Danika feels justified in continuing to crow about how catwalk is "her thing".
Pease whips out a Jodhi Mail which this week are obviously going to be pop music-themed, as this one is headed by a quote from Madonna - "What are you looking at?" It's a quote that could just as easily have been attributed to the drunk bloke at the local after closing time last night, but Madonna it is. The mail announces the girls will be heading to the QVB for a real, live catwalk challenge in front of a real, live audience. Woo! It's a slight step up from Westfield, anyway.
Back stage at the QVB ANTM official acronym catwalk, everyone is getting their hair and makeup done next to a sign that reads "Every woman in the room wants to be you, and every man wants to be with you!" It's clearly supposed to be inspirational, but taking a look at the blokes on offer outside I'd say it's more demotivational:
In case you haven't already guessed, it's the least glamorous catwalk ever, surrounded on both sides by schoolgirls and old people who've taken time out from shopping for new slippers to enjoy a nice sit down and maybe get their face on telly. The girls have to cope with remembering how to walk IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS (while breathing), and some have problems - Steph H stumbles off the end and has to get back on, Steph F swings her head around like she's watching the tennis and Jordan's shoe comes off. Alice "tries to think neutral thoughts" but says she can't because her hair is too tight. Anika's bazoingas take centre stage again, thanks to another unflattering dress, and starts to rival Rexi-celli for resembling Gwyneth Paltrow:
Admittedly, one's pregnant here...
Paloma is distracted by some schoolgirls in the front row, as she explains:
"I heard some schoolgirls saying really rude things to us, and I think they were jealous cos they were obviously probably the fat ones that didn't get in."
Well said. Have a random Steph H picture to celebrate:
It's time for the judging, and Danika continues to blather on about how good her walk is, despite all video evidence to the contrary: "Everyone else knows it, this is my time to shine, this is my thingy," she says. Yes, she says thingy.
Pease, Identity Dawson and Jod-hello read out the prizes, which includes an invite to the David Jones fashion launch (yawwwwn, says PetStarr, who already gets to go to them), an Alex Perry frock and some pearl earrings.
Oh, and a new pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. To Keep.
"SHUT UP!" yells Jod-hello, in a lame attempt to appear sisterly and cool by using a "youthful" expression she picked up from reruns of Friends on Arena.
Everyone's a bit taken aback, especially considering no one was actually saying anything at the time she told them to shut up.
"How good is that?" she continues, and everyone realises they're supposed to agree, so they do.
Despite walking like Frankenstein (and looking a bit like him too), Alice wins the challenge. No one knows why. The emotional guitar music kicks in as Danika does an impression of a whingey, whiny sore loser brat.
"BUT IT WAS MY THINGY!!"
"Being in her position, it would be quite a heartbreaking thing," giggles Paloma, clearly not giving a shit.
Pease tells the losers they have to walk from Oxford St to Circular Quay and... Sorry, I'm a bit distracted. Is it just me, or is Pease starting to look a bit...hot?
So when do we get to see HIS thingy?
Anyway, the losers walk from somewhere to somewhere, the winners (Rex-icelli and Steph F) go to David Jones and meet celebrities like Sarah O'Hare (score two for the Murdochs) and Megan Gale.
"I know it sounds cliched, but up close, she glowed," says Alice.
One of these women doesn't own any fake tan.
SHE glowed? Alice is so freaking luminous you could use her for a bedside lamp, for god's sake.
Back at the model mansion and the girls have been sent presents from home. Paloma gets a Family Guy board game, which makes me like her just that little bit more. Damn you Paloma, turning all normal and fun on us like that! Alice gets tupperware filled with cashews and apricots and actually looks happy about it. Danika gets a letter from her parents in which her dad spells her name wrong. Seriously.
The emotional guitar music kicks in again, and we head to the phone room with Jane, where she's crying to her mum.
"There's no one to hug here," she cries.
"Oh sweetie, just imagine. Close your eyes and think about hopping into bed with me and snuggling in..." says mum.
Um - what now? To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "So THAT'S how it is in their family."
There's another Jodhi Mail, this time with a quote from Britney Spears - "Oops, I did it again" - making me think the girls might be forced to do an upskirt video shoot for Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild.
But no, they're all packed off to a nightclub for another catwalk session - only this time they'll be shot when they get to the end. Mink offers to take care of it with her semi-automatic, but is disappointed when they tell her they meant a PHOTO shoot.
Alice complains that her hair is making her sick, which makes me wonder if she's gotten a weave of Paloma's devil offcuts from episode three, but apparently it's the high ponytail that's hurting her.
"It's pulling REALLY really badly and it's causing a lot of discomfort," she moans, for about the 50th time this episode.
"It was putting all this pressure on this really unusual part of my head, and the pain started to make me feel nauseous."
Everyone starts to consider putting pressure on another unusual part of her - say her mouth, with a pillow.
The audience starts to file in and Pease constructs a sentence using the phrases "fashion elite", "make or break your career" and "time to shine". And then it's GAME ON. Again.
Aside from all the blah-blahing about Rexi-celli looking so New York/Paris/Milan/Gucci/whatever, it's pretty dull. ALthough clearly the Franciscan monk look is back in this season, if Steph F's hair is anything to go by:
When it's over, the girls are given ONE pair of 10.5cm heels to take home and practice walking in. That'll be useful. Then Jordan has a birthday, turns 18 and moves into the "over 18s" pad. Hoorah.
The final Jodhi Mail arrives, completing the pop quote triptych with a line from Destiny's Child - "Say my name, say my name". Ohhh that's SO clever! See what they did there? Because it's elimination, and you want Jodhi to SAY YOUR NAME so you don't get eliminated? Genius.
Elimination in a nutshell: Shoe designer Terry Biviano is guest judge, and all the girls are forced to walk around in their 10.5cm heels (which, FYI, isn't actually that fucking hard). Danika somehow makes Biviano feel "car sick"; Steph F falls over about five times; Angry Jane walks like a drunk Frankenrobot, and Identity Dawson declares Jordan "a bit g-g-g-g-g-GANGSTA!" No one has any idea what she means, but she continues to show off her dazzling range of impressions by doing Batman's The Joker for us all:
As for the photos, they're all pretty boring (think the type of catwalk shots you see in newspapers and magazines - it's about the clothes, not the models). Identity criticises Rex-icelli for still looking too thin, and she protests "But I've been trying so hard!" Yeah - what about all those cashews she ate yesterday? Lay off, Dawson. Steph H looks fabulous, Angry Jane looks angry, Sophie loses her waist and Paloma has a hair-tastrophe:
See, that trend really IS catching on.
The judges sort through the photos, putting Anika, Steph H and Rexi-celli in the top three, and Steph F, Jane and Danika in the bottom three. Identity Dawson gets one last bizarre comment in before the segment ends by yelling "Jordan's not that unextraordinary!"
The deal is done: Steph F is booted out, and Angry Jane lives to be mad at another day. For some reason Paloma is in absolute hysterics at Steph leaving, despite there being no evidence of any friendship between them prior to this. Good one, ANTM editors. And look, it's another Gwyneth reference!
"I'd like to thank the Academy..."
And with that, the episode ends and there's nothing more to say.
Except maybe this: