Thursday, May 03, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Six

Welcome back to ANTM: The land of the long, white girl, the longest and whitest of which is, of course, Alice. But apparently her long, thin, white look is starting to be a problem for the judges, who are pretending to not be completely awestruck by her obviously supermodel appearance so as not to appear pro-eating disorder on national television.

Not content to simply be "The guest judge in episode five that brings along a puppy", Thorpey gets his Dolly Doctor on and sits down for a nice, girly chat with Alice about her diet. Or complete lack of one.

"What I really think you need to be able to do is have a diet that releases energy slower," he enthuses, as she tries to support the weight of her own head on her spindle thin neck.

"Standing up there, you looked a little frail," he continues, as UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR flashes in big red letters across the top of the screen.

Stay tuned for eipsode seven, in which Thorpey talks to the girls about personal hygiene and "becoming a woman".

Back in the model mansion, Jod-hello and Pease Ferdinand have rocked up to do a quick impression of Glenn Ridge and Joh Bailey a la Sale of the Century and test the girls on their fashion knowledge. Danika manages to show her mastery of Year 10 French by knowing that haute couture means "high fashion", and gets things off to a good start. But things fall apart when Ferdy asks a question about Annie Leibovitz (insert blank model look here) and Jod-hello demands to know what houndstooth is. Despite Alice-rexia correctly describing Megan Gale's Alex Perry dress at the David Jones fashion launch two episodes ago AS HOUNDSTOOTH, she keeps her mouth shut. This is in direct violation of Thorpey's new dieting rules which involve keeping one's mouth open, and receptive to food, at all times. He runs on and shoves a steak in it, poses with a puppy, and runs off again.

There are more deep and complex questions about magazines and one on culottes, which Jod-hello seems to think is essential fashion knowledge and Jordan thinks is some type of shoe, then Paloma wins the fast money while Alice picks the home viewer and has to go home with a BBQ set.

"We haven't been reading Vogue in the house. We looked at the pictures, but we haven't read any articles," whinges Sophie, in an exact reversal of what every man has ever said about Playboy since the dawn of time.

Unhappy with their result (four out of 17 for anyone who cares), Jod-hello sends them off to the nearest TAFE for re education. Yes, TAFE. I was hoping she'd send them to the WEA instead so they could do some courses like "Hello - And Then What?" or "Making the Most of Your Hair", but never mind. They meet the head of design who gives them a crash course in pattern making, designing, not sitting on your arse backstage when wearing silk and just generally having a flamboyant sense of personal style.

"As soon as you walked in you could tell he knew fashion because they way he was dressed, and the amount of jewellery he had on," says Steph H.

You mean HE WAS GAY, love. THAT'S what you mean.

Then a cockney bootblack turns up and offers to shine all the girls' shoes, as well as clean out the chimneys... oh no wait, it's actually fashion designer Wayne Cooper, and actually he's going to make each girl put on an outfit and "interpret" it. Given that Danika was the only one who could interpret basic French, it seems unlikely they'll do much better with a piece of fabric, but there you are.

Sophie puts on a red dress and interprets it as "young, playful, kinda sexy". So, really stepping outside the square there. Good to see you try something new and challenging, Soph. Although she does resist the urge to whip her boosies out or pash the nearest cameraman, so I guess she IS trying something new. In any case Wayno says she walks like she's going to Coles.

Interpretation challenge in a nutshell: Danika comes out in a dramatic ball gown and Wayno says she's lacking in "poise and dignity" (which I prefer to INTERPRET as "poison dignity"); Wayno covers up Anika's E cup bazoingas in a black zip up jumper and then criticises her for being "androgynous"; Steph H puts on a dreadful white cape and comes out looking like a poor man's Holly Valance, which apparently Wayne INTERPRETS as innocence; Alice manages to make a designer jacket look like a circus tent; Paloma's outfit makes her look like an extra from The Matrix's low budget porn remake, The Matrix - Recocked and loaded. Wayno tells her she should have INTERPRETED the black PVC coat and mini skirt as a fun, sixties sort of thing, rather than a tough streetwalker who'll stab you in the thigh for your last cigarette sort of thing. Paloma's response: "BULLSHIT this is sixties!" That's my girl.

No one loses, no one wins - it's just yet another bullshit challenge in ANTM land. But they do get a Jodhi mail out of it, which sends them off to the Vogue offices (it also includes a Collins Dictionary definition of "vogue", just in case any of the models were confused).

Despite not even knowing who the editor of the magazine was 10 minutes ago, Paloma begins spouting off about how she's "always wanted to be in Vogue" and how it's her childhood dream, yada yada yada.

"I never read Vogue, I just look at the pictures, I swear!" screams Sophie.

They all troop into the office behind Pease Ferdinand and his magic golden Converse sneakers, and Jordan shares how she's keen to make a good impression on editor in chief, Kirstie Clements, who is, in Jordan's words: "The chick of chicks in fashion in Australia".

What a title.

Stunningly elegant and groomed to perfection, Clements addresses the models like the rag tag, be-jeaned bunch of misfits they are, reminding them that it's a privilege to even breathe the same air as her and stand on the same square mile of earth she's occupying. The girls look on with slouching indifference as she takes them through the current office collection of designer goodies, pausing occasionally to allow them to look stupid.

"Does anyone know who's designing for Chanel these days?" she asks casually, as if it doesn't really matter if they know or not. They don't. And it does.

"Karl Lagerfeld - only one of the greats," she withers, with a look on her face of pure distilled despair.

"I've only just started reading Vogue and that since Oi've been in the house," slags Jordan, before anyone gets a chance to shut her stupid mouth and save her from the inevitable beating Clements is about to give her. Lucky for Alice Thorpey's already stuck a cream bun in hers, and she's unable to say anything at all.

"What magazines were you reading before that?" Clements asks, knowing she's probably not about to hear any sentence involving the words "Harpers", "Vanity", "Tatler", "Bazaar" or "Fair".

"Um, New Weekly?" Jordan tries.

Jordan fails.

For anyone who's seen The Devil Wears Prada, the resulting reaction from Clements is something akin to this:

"That's all."

Noticing the chill in the room, Pease decides to whisk the girls back to the mansion before Clements gets a chance to notice his ridiculous sneakers and rip his legs off, and the girls leave the devil's lair wistfully unaware of how close they all came to being eaten alive.

Back at the mansion, the girls call a meeting of "T Unit", a group that apparently everyone in the house is a member of except Paloma and her vice bitch, Steph H. Quite convenient, that, as the topic up for discussion is "Paloma".

Paloma bitch session in a nutshell: Jordan relives the glory of winning the Impulse challenge and making Paloma suffer; Alice declares that Paloma "says really fucked up stuff" (no arguments there) and Sophie says "My name is Sophie Wittingslow. Paloma killed my father. Prepare to die."

Spearheaded by Jordan, Sophie and Anika, T Unit (not to be confused with Eminem's overweight gangsta rap crew, G Unit) decides to play some pranks on Paloma and Steph involving honey, whipped cream and eggs, all of which leads Sophie to say the wittiest thing she's possibly ever said: "We're going to make a Paloma pavlova."

Cue zany music and shenanigans: T Unit puts honey and salt in Stephoma's sheets and whipped cream and eggs inside the pillow cases. That's one hell of a bed pavlova.

Danika explains the purpose of the prank: "I think it's to bring Paloma to breaking point," she says.

And a good thing, too - we haven't had a panic attack in WEEKS.

"If they want to do that, I can be so much meaner," says Paloma, as she pulls back her pillowcase to reveal half of the local supermarket's dairy cabinet.

But in the end Stephoma takes the Buddhist approach, remaining zen in the face of a storm (and, more importantly, not punching anyone), while Jordan shows her acting skills haven't developed past "New York City SASS" by doing a bad impression of a Bond villain in the kitchen.

"LADIES, what are we gunna do next?" she snarls as she attempts to simultaneously raise an eyebrow and tap her fingers.

"I wouldn't say it's bullying, it's just a muck around, and it's a competition, you know. GAME ON MOLL."

Yeah, Jordan, see - that catchphrase was cute LAST week. Now we're just over it. You don't fight bitchery with bitchery - Anika and Jordan zoom straight to the bottom of my favourite model list.

New day, new crap challenge - this time the girls have 10 minutes to grab an outfit in David Jones that represents their personal style AND the latest fashion trends as dictated by Fuhrer Clements von Vogue. Pease knows HE'LL win with his Converse sneakers - metallics are SO IN this season!

Alice thinks she's a five year old child going to the Royal Show fireworks and looks for a "parka" and Jordan picks random clothes off the racks while Paloma and Steph try to find things that go with honey and salt. Then they all head back to Vogue to have Clements look down her nose at them, AND BE BLOODY HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Ten minute style challenge in a nutshell: Paloma gives up on her childhood dream of appearing in Vogue after pretty much everyone bags her outfit of a silver jersey knit dress - Pease says she looks like "a sack of walnuts", Clements tells her her legs aren't her best feature and Jordan describes her outfit as a "tragedy". Paloma hears all of this as "You are fat" and starts asking Alice for dieting tips. Wearing nothing but a cheesecloth shirt and a black leather belt, Steph H looks like she's woken up after a one night stand with nothing to wear on the ride home but her sequinned ballgown from the night before, and has instead gotten inventive with her date's wardrobe. Clements dismisses her attempt as "clueless", before spitting fire at her and singeing her hair. Steph disses Alice's parka/silk dress/black stocking/glitter shoes ensemble seconds before Clements explodes with delight at how wonderful she looks and how she's made a Witchery parka look like Prada. Sorry, but I'm with Steph on this one - it's a sacky, sorry affair, except for the shoes which are completely DARLING. Jordan looks a mess and Anika's shoes are proclaimed "a disaster" - so obviously Alice wins, and as a prize she gets to hang out with Alex Perry. Awesome, cos they don't all get to do that every week anyway.

Blah blah blah - they hang out with Alex Perry and play with his clothes and have lunch - blah blah blah - the losers do some random punishment that's only a punishment if your idea of hard work is doing anything more than breathing - blah blah blah.

Then there's another T Unit meeting, as called by T Unit Pres, Jordan. Jordan feels it's time the Unit instigated their withdrawal strategy vis a vis the Stephoma situation, in light of Paloma's birthday coming up. At the very least, she wants a ceasefire. Corporals Anika and Sophie refuse to sign the treaty, but Jordan ends the attacks, saying it's about time Stephoma started establishing its own form of government anyway.

New day, new Jodhi Mail, new photo shoot assignment. Jez Smith (otherwise known as the poor woman's Nigel Barker) is to photograph the girls in ridiculous haute couture outfits that they have to INTERPRET - HOORAY! He's worried the girls won't "understand" the clothes. Why, what language do they speak, Jez?

As it turns out, the clothes speak PURE CRAZY. They plonk Anika in what looks like something a Shakespearean jester would wear if he were being sent into outer space, but that also conveniently allows her boobs to flop out. She describes it as "a French kitten". I think it's safe to say everyone else in the known world will describe it as "utterly awful".

Don't blame the French for this.

Speaking of French letters (were we?) Sophie gets put into a giant pleated silk condom with a 45RPM record stuck to her forehead and says she feels like a "something mermaid". A ridiculously stupid looking mermaid, maybe? Steph does a top job interpreting a "daddy long legs", despite having to wear a yellow ruffled thing, black underpants and a lego man hairstyle; Danika channels a praying mantis and actually kinda rocks it; Jordan gets on the insect bandwagon and impresses everyone by being a pretty sexy tarantula; Paloma comes out looking like Betty Rubble in a pebble-textured dress that looks like part of the ground coverings exhibit at the 2007 Greater Gardens Expo, and decides to do the character of "Paloma"; Alice decides to show off her exuberant personality by putting on a cream silk sheath and acting out the character of "a silkworm". This leads Pease to blurt out the new BEST ANTM QUOTE EVER: "I'd rather see more silkworm. I'm not really feeling silkworm, personally." This is topped by Alice seconds later with "I don't think I'm naturally wormlike. It's probably something I have to work on."

Alice is my new favourite model. But not for Pease, who grumbles: "Her performance was shit. No energy, no silkworm, nothing." Swap Alice for Ben Stiller and you'd swear this was all a deleted scene from the Zoolander DVD.

Blah blah blah - Jodhi Mail - blah blah blah - random quote from Dr Seuss - blah blah blah - elimination.

This week's elimination is sadly Thorpey and puppy free (unless you count the ones that are bursting out of Jodhi's dress). Instead, Fraulein von Bitchface is sitting on the panel as guest judge, and aren't the girls excited about that? Not one to be outbitched, Jod-hello starts ranting at the girls about T Unit, declaring thatthe only unit being run around here is J Unit - ohhhh CLASSIC, Jodhi! I mean really, SHUT UP! How good is that?

Identity reiterates that they should all be acting like professional models. Yeah, like this:

She's just cleaning up the salt she spilled after that prank...with her nose...

Dawson goes right off at the models over the T Unit scandal, calling them all, variously: molls, morons, bigger morons, bitches and stupid. It's a pleasure to see someone telling them what we've all been thinking for weeks.

Diatribe over and it's time for YET ANOTHER BLOODY CHALLENGE: The models have 20 minutes to create a "street couture" look from a singlet top and some ribbons, paint, safety pins, toilet rolls and pipe cleaners. Should be interesting. May I remind you of this:

Yes, that's right, she WON.

They all look so utterly, UTTERLY crap it's really not even worth commenting on, except to say that Danika pours blue paint all over herself, which I find mildly amusing. Dawson slams Jordan as "boring", and knowing that her head's on the chopping block for leading the T Unit army into war against the Stephoma axis of evil, Jordan breaks down in a bit of a guilt cry in an attempt to save her arse at judging.

Photo judging in a nutshell: Jordan loses her neck; Sophie loses her face; Paloma looks like a bull; Alice doesn't turn out her inner worm but turns out a great shot anyway, and for once, Danika fails to look like a fish, but Clements is unimpressed. Apparently there are "a squazillion" other models like her. See, there really ARE plenty more fish in the sea.

Not surprisingly Bitchen von Voguenberg's favourite model is Alice, because as anybody with half a brain can see, she's the only one of the lot that actually looks like a Vogue model. The judges continue to discuss the merits of the other models while Clements looks on with a bemused expression, wondering why the hell they're bothering. According to the judges: Jordan's too short, Paloma's bad but not as bad as some of the others and Sophie doesn't have a high fashion face - although it could be as high as 17 hands, according to Mr Perry, who describes her as looking like a horse.

And so it comes down to Anika and Sophie. Anika starts crying before she's even hit the runway and Sophie is so upset she can barely summon the energy to pull up her top and get her boosies out. But in the end - Anika gets to live one more day, and Sophie the horse face is booted out. She throws her head back, stamps her foot and canters on outta there, into the sunset.


  1. Totally awesome recap! Best yet but they just keep getting better.

    ".. Thorpey talks to the girls about personal hygiene and "becoming a woman"."

    Made me ROFL.. and I'm at work. Needless to say I got some funny looks.

    Keep up the good work.

  2. Thanks Arnie! I love to imagine people reading my recaps at work and spraying coffee all over their keyboards. :)

  3. hello again Petstarr-

    At the risk of these communications become a 21st century game of cat and mouse, which in film form would probably end up being some generic rom-com AKA "You've Got Mail 2: ANTM boogaloo", i actually can't reveal which office i work in as it has an association with the show. I know that sounds lame but them's the breaks.

    On other matters, did you hear that Tyra introduced this cycle's America's NTM contestants (currently being shot in Sydney during Fashion Week) to "Australian Super Model" Erika Heynatz, or as i like to call her, Generica Heinous. If that woman is the ambassador for beauty in this country i'm moving to NZ (now that it's rid of Identity Dawson that is)


    - Henry

  4. Hey Henry - so you work at Foxtel then eh? Intruiging! I'm pleased to know the powers that be are enjoying my ANTM love.

    Can't believe Scarica Bignutz is being paraded around on the US show - who is she anyway? Still, I sort of preferred her to Jod-hello. She wasn't a "big sister" type but at least she wasn't boring as bat shite.

    And anyway - isn't Napoleon Perdis Australia's ambassador for beauty?

  5. I dig your T-Unit theory.
    Workmates thought that perhaps instead of "tits", the T stood for "twat".

    I fully support that theory also.

  6. Ha! Twat unit! I quite like that, too.

    All in all it just goes to show, once again, how high Australian TV production standards are. "Let's not bother explaining this whole 'T Unit' thing, let's just cobble some clips together and let them work it out."


  7. And there was I, thinking Erica Heynatz had really hit the big time, doing that bullshit tell a secret thing on Triple M. If I wanted to do myself an injury by listening to some of those things, they would be blog fodder gold. But I don't, so I won't.

  8. I feel if I was Anika I would have walked out this week. The dress thing they put her in was plain cruel, she'd never be chosen to actually shoot in a garment like that because people don't want to see giant under-boob-creases in Vogue. Poor Love.

    Alice is fantastic, but I already believed that. Go Alice!

  9. Have you SEEN Jordan's New York Sass commercial running on TV?
    The Big Apple should sue.

  10. Delightfuljen - You're absolutely right about the boob crease. Fashion demands surfboards, not funbags. Unfortunately I think Anika and her big bazoingas are destined for the pages of swimwear catalogues and FHM centrespreads, rather than the catwalks of Milan. Pity, cos I think she's fab. Except for last week's episode in which she was a bitch.

    Anonymous - I have been waiting with bated breath for the NYC ASS commercial, to no avail. Unfortunately I can't find it on the web either... If anyone has a copy, put it on You Tube for GOD'S sake.

  11. Oh my god - strike that. Someone HAS put it on You Tube. I love the combination of bored people with no lives + technology.