Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Seven

Her skin still burning from the honey/salt cocktail T Unit spread in her bed last week, Paloma gets this week's episode off to a fine start, confirming all those rumours about her being Buddhist (well she's always so calm and controlled and live and let DIE YOU FAT SIZE 16 DERRO BITCH!, isn't she?) by announcing that Sophie's elimination was an example of karma.

Anika helpfully reminds us all that Sophie will no longer be able to fulfil her dream of reaching the top two (you know, now that she's no longer in the competition and everything), and then fulfils every teenage boy's fantasy by declaring that she and Sophie used to "do everything together", including shower. God knows how you'd manage to get another person in a shower with Anika AND her boobs, but anyway.

With everything flowing so well and making sense, it's about time some of that good old Aussie editing kicked in - and SNAP! Suddenly we cut to a clip of Jordan hanging her arse out of a car window. Hardly shocking behaviour, to be honest, considering we all saw her G-string on Day One.

Anal floss.

Jordan then gives us all the preliminary lecture in her new WEA course, How to Hang Your Bum Out of a Car Window 101, which goes something along the lines of "Put your bum against the window and pull down your pants". Thanks for that Jordan, never would have worked that one out on our own.

Next morning at the model mansion Jod-hello and Identity rock up to talk to the girls about "model behaviour" which, as we all know, looks a little something like this:

Model Behaviour 101

My heart leaps at the thought of Identity screaming "YOU SHOULD ALL BE ACTING LIKE PROFESSIONAL MODELS!" while racking up some lines as Jod-hello rolls up a few minties. But alas, it's some bloody lecture about being a proper lady and all that when out in public. Jordan's all "Yeah, OI KNOW how to do a bum press already - can oi be excused?"

"If you do win this and you become a famous model, your life will suddenly be under the microscope. You will be scrutinised and evaluated with every move you make," Jod-hello warns, like a 1950s high school instructional video.

Um, see this blog here, Jodhi? Too late, I'm afraid.

Identity then reminds us all of what she's actually ever done in life, which is apparently work on a few magazines like New Idea and Woman's Day, and comes over all MEDIA GURU as she tells the girls how to avoid getting trashed in the tabloids. This includes such sage advice as not letting the paparazzi get photos of your wobbly thighs, and not letting your tits fall out of your top. Sounds like common sense to me, but clearly it didn't sink in for ALL the models...

Onya, Jordan. Image from Perez Hilton. Obviously.

Jod-hello's one piece of advice is not to drink at parties, because "it's better to be known as a bore than a lush". Really? What about on TV, Jodhi? Is it better to be known as a bore on TV, too?

Identity tells the girls they're not allowed to be too thin, either, and everyone looks at Alice, who is still deathly thin despite having been on the Thorpey Super Diet all last week. Remember that scene in Schindler's List where the concentration camp victims prick their thumbs and rub blood on their cheeks in an effort to look healthy?

That's what I think when I look at this.

Identity shows them various paparazzi shots of celebs looking awful, including one of Heath Ledger giving the photographer the finger. Identity warns them against such uncouth acts, and Jod-hello tries to be everyone's totally super-cool awesome big sister by giggling "I've done that!"

"SHUT UP!" yells Jordan. "How good is that?!"

Identity continues her "what good models don't do" lecture with a flashcard of Paris Hilton, and is delighted when it's generally agreed upon that Paris is trash. Generally agreed upon by everyone except Paloma, that is, who harbours secret desires of one day becoming Miss Hilton's friend.

"To be honest, I've wanted to be her friend for awhile. I think it would be fun to go out with Paris Hilton, she looks like she'd be fun," she giggles.

Silly Paloma - if Paris was going to be friends with anyone in the Model Mansion it would clearly have to be Jordan - they both enjoy flashing their private parts in cars. And on catwalks. And just, you know, wherever.

This particular point is emphasised when Identity shows her next aptly named "flashcard", which contains a giant photo of Paris Hilton's minge.

"So wrong dot com," says Jod-hello, who is either trying to outdo herself with "cool youth phrases" this series or simply telling us where she got the photo from.

She then continues her 1950s instructional video style tirade by concluding "Drugs. That's what happens when you start taking drugs." IT'S TRUE - one joint and you'll never wear knickers again, girls, TAKE HEED!

Steph H then comes up with the latest top ANTM quote: "I'm definitely going to be wearing underwear from now on, everywhere I go." Well Jodhi, you know what they say: If you only get through to ONE person, it's worth it...

The girls get packed off to some room somewhere where they meet some columnist and some fashion designer who are to teach them such complicated feats of etiquette as shaking hands with someone when you're holding a glass of champagne AND a cocktail spring roll at the same time.

"I've been well brought up with my family, which I've been very privileged of," says Anika, proving that while she may have been taught which cutlery to use at the dinner table, she still might have a way to go with actually mastering English.

But actually, it turns out that even cutlery eludes her, as she attempts to eat a bowl of spaghetti with a KNIFE AND FORK. She then cements her fate as loser of whatever crap etiquette challenge they're going to have in this episode by laughing in the face of the fashion designer who is pretending to be John Howard, meeting her at a pretend party. Jordan reclaims some Bland Canyon brownie points by exclaiming "I'd probably do the same thing if I met John Howard, I think he's a twat." Now, if only she could get into Kirribilli with some honey and salt...

Back at the Model Mansion, all the girls are vaguely grieving the death of their beloved pet fish, named Fatty - rather ironically, considering he actually WAS fatter than any of the girls in the house. Paloma makes him a little crucifix and they plan a special funeral where they will all wear black, and they're all so sad, jeez they loved that fish so much, he was such a EXCUSE ME BUT WHO THE FUCK IS FATTY THE FISH? Did anyone even know they HAD a fish? All we find out about Fatty was that Paloma named him on the first day in the house, because he was "abnormally fatter than the other fish". Obviously she hadn't thought of "FAT SIZE 16 DERRO MOLL" by that stage, or he would have been called Cassandra.

Then the girls are lured to Bondi for a "play day" with Jodhi, only the bitch has double crossed them again - they're actually there to be photographed by a sniper papparazzo and, presumably, ridiculed later in the episode. Excellent. Jodhi is the meanest big sister ever. I wouldn't be surprised if she was a founding member of T Unit.

The tog snaps various photos of them looking awful while eating breakfast, but mostly of Danika looking awful while eating breakfast, because apparently she's fat now. Paloma declares Danika to have "obvious weight", and Danika admits she's stacking it on a bit, although she's "not overweight - yet". Meanwhile, Alice cries as she chows down on a stack of pancakes, whimpering "BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD!"

Then some random old guy successfully manages to get all the models to follow him to the beach with the unremarkable pick up line "Which one of you chickalings DOESN'T want to come surfing?". It's not quite as good as "You must be tired, cos you were running through my dreams all last night", but it seems to do the trick. The paparazzi merrily snap away as they break all of Identity Dawson's golden rules about wobbly bits and boobs.

The girls start to suss our intrepid tog out, so he throws on his utterly realistic and devilishly clever Johnathan Pease disguise:

I'm Pease. Johnathan Pease.

Anika mistakes all the Foxtel-funded paparazzi attention for ACTUAL celebrity, and muses on how the photographers found out they were all going out to lunch that day. I am losing faith in Anika as the smart one of the bunch. For some reason Alice is the only one with the one eighth of a brain required to work out that it's all part of this week's challenge, leaving the other models surprised out of their tiny minds when they get home to find the paparazzo seated with Identity Dawson in their living room. "Ohhhhh! So we're not REALLY celebrities at all! I get it!"

"This is the only time we're going to sit down and laugh about these photos, because the next time it could be for real," says Dawson, seemingly ignoring the fact that she's still about to broadcast these photos on national TV, and so actually, it kind of IS for real RIGHT NOW.

Not surprisingly, the photos are all awful - particularly the ones of Steph H inelegantly slapping a G-string on her muff after her surfing expedition. Well, she did say she was going to wear underwear EVERYWHERE now. Somehow, changing into a G-string on the side of a busy beachside esplanade is quite acceptable in Steph's world, but getting photographed while doing it is SO EMBARRASSING.

"If that photo was in a magazine I'd be DEVASTATED," she says.

Oh good, lucky it's only been shown to millions of Pay TV subscribers then. This segment also explains why I've been getting all those hits for "Australia's next top model steph h minge" all day. I can only assume I'll get even more now.

Dawson announces the prize for the challenge is a VIP seat at an Anthony Mundine boxing match. All the models look as though they've just been offered the chance to spend the evening studying each other's belly button fluff, except for Anika, who almost jumps out of her pants with excitement.

"NO WOBBLY BITS!" screams Dawson.

Fortunately for everyone, Anika wins, although she's slightly less excited about the prize when she discovers she has to share the evening with Jod-hello and the captain of the Sydney Swans.

"SHUT UP! How good is that?" yells Jodhi from off set.

Anika chooses Alice to share the prize with her, and Alice thanks her by calling her the wrong name. Ahh, friendship.

The boxing prize segment is boring enough not to mention, except for the part in which Paloma confesses she wanted to be a boxer when she was young but gave up on it because she's too nice (we're not sure whether this precedes her childhood dream of being in Vogue), and also to say that Jodhi obviously thinks she is Kevin Federline:

Drugs. That's what happens when you start taking drugs.

Bet the punters behind her were REAL happy about that hat.

Photo shoot time, and this week the girls are asked to "get physical" in a shot which they will share with another person. Unlike in the better, overseas version of this show (the ones with hosts with names that start in "Ty" and end in "ra Banks"), the girls won't get to pose with any sexy male models - instead, they have to pose with their mums, "in honour of mother's day". Yaaaaaaaawn. All the mums look fairly normal and unremarkable, except for Jordan's mum who manages to upstage Jordan simply by standing next to her and breathing, and Alice's mum who looks teeny tiny next to her beanpole of a daughter. How did THAT happen? Explain THAT, genetics.

The mum shoot is ENTIRELY boring. Really. Nobody does anything interesting or scandalous AT ALL, save for Alice's mum who takes over their entire shoot and starts shouting out stage directions at the photographer which almost leads to Alice's first ANTM panic attack. Anika says it's nice to have her mum on set "for support", which is funny considering she seems to have more than enough of that in the front of her dress:

She has my full support.

After the shoot they all get shunted off for drinks and dinner as a big group together, which totally kills any possibility of six separate, juicy bitch sessions involving the words "Paloma", "is", "such a" and "cow". Well, five anyway.

"You'll eat like queens and revolve at the same time," enthuses Pease, which makes me think they're going to eat on the stage of a transgender strip club, but no - they're all off to a revolving restaurant.


Anyway - dinner, dinner, mums, dinner, blah blah.

And after an entire episode OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING WHATSOEVER, it's off to elimination. Jodhi's got her boosies tucked safely away for once, and Alice is dressed like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds (her role would be something like "Nerd in Toilet 3") in a 1980s tuxedo shirt print T shirt. Actually, she looks kinda cool, but let's not tell her that.

Because the girls haven't been humiliated enough this episode, Jod-hello gets out the old paparazzi shots again for another good old belly laugh. It's amazing how VERY unstriking all of the girls are in these unstyled happy snaps - particularly Danika, who was clearly telling the truth about her little weight gain.

Not the best face to pull in front of a pack of togs.

"See, it's OBVIOUS," yells Paloma.

The ghost of Fatty the fish continues to haunt the elimination room, as the guest judge points at Anika's (quite nice) photo and exclaims "There's a touch of the Sarah Fergusons about THAT!" Anika immediately runs to the toilets with Danika to purge in unison.

Mum shoot photo judging in a nutshell: Alice looks like someone stuffed her corpse and propped it up against the chair her mum is sitting on; Steph looks just like a Dolly covergirl should look - so smiley you could punch her; Identity Dawson tells Danika she's stacked on the weight (ALRIGHT, for Christ's sake, enough already!) and makes her cry, causing Non Identity Jez Smith to try and reel it all back in by making some lame comment about being healthy, when in reality no one would give a shit if she ate donuts for breakfast and heroin for dinner if she managed to keep a hot body; and Paloma's mum looks set to take out the entire competition by looking much better than her daughter and almost anyone else on set.

Jodhi does the maths - six girls, only five places - and after a few minutes deduces that ONE OF THE GIRLS WILL HAVE TO BE ELIMINATED.

This week it comes down to Danika (who's put on a bit of weight lately, in case you hadn't heard) and Paloma. What? Seriously? Yep - bitch is on the way OUT.

It suddenly strikes me how much prettier Danika is than Paloma, who looks decidedly witchlike without her makeup and styling - but it's too late, our little donut girl is given her marching orders. She walks down the runway, out of the warehouse and straight to the nearest Jenny Craig.


  1. Such a good recap I want to press my arse against the car window.

    But I won't. Out of respect for Fatty.

  2. Shut up! The best recap dot com ever.

    Loving your work.

  3. Jo - Up until he died, I was betting on Fatty to take out this competition. But it's clear now that Paloma's mum will, so that's ok.

    Makeitwork - PLEASE tell me your nickname has something to do witht he glorious Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame! Please tell me that you ARE Tim Gunn! And if you are, do you remember me? I'm the girl who accosted you on the streets of Chicago outside Macy's and pressured you for a photograph. Good times, good times.

  4. PS: HENRY!! If you come back here... I know who you work for now!! Tee hee!! Does it start with a G? :)

  5. Alas I am not TG but am super duper jealous you had your photo taken with him.

    He didn't happen to ask you "Where's Andre?" did he? Just thinking about that line still cracks me up....

  6. Makeitwork - Do you KNOW I actually DID ask him "What happened to ANDRE?" and he said "Well actually, Andre has a full head of hair now! Truly!"

    Honest to GOD he did. Ha ha ha!

  7. I didn't need to read on after "Paris Hilton's minge". That pretty much did it for me. Minge, minge, minge. He he he.

  8. I'm surprised you didn't put up a picture of Danika in the surf.. maybe it was too easy, I don't know, but I actually thought of this site when I was watching this episode.

  9. Yeah, agreed - about 5 mins before the end of this episode i suddenly found Danika to be ten times prettier than Paloma...and most of these girls. If only she wasn't SUCH a fatty bombatty maybe she would have made it. Pffff, yeah fat, whatever... Anika's boobs still weigh more than her.

    Please allow me a moment of feminism to say how GREAT this show has been lately for promoting a healthy body image. Paloma looks like a "sack 'o' walnuts"? Jeez, If that's the case then Alice had better lay off the dried fruit - she seems to be gaining too much wrist fat.


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